A woman's perspective on my predicament please...

[Blueeyedstranger]

Hi,
It’s a first for me posting my problems online... but tbh I’m at the end of my tether and need to vent/get stuff off my chest to someone/anyone.

I'm posting here as i'm trying to get an idea whether my predicament is normal for a 21 year relationship and wanting advice on what to do.

The long and short of my problems is that I’ve been in a relationship to my childhood sweet heart for 21 years, I’m 38, we have two children, live in our own 3 bed house and gradually over the years i have been worn down with weekly major arguments, but i feel like i cant leave her because...

• I feel like I’d be making my kids’ lives a mess.

• It would be a real struggle for me financially leaving with nothing but debt, and very depressing living in a little rented sh&t hole. (she can’t afford to take the mortgage on and pay me out)

• I feel like if I get with someone else I might be in the same predicament in x years’ time.... because it's human nature to get bored.

I decided to write a list of my gripes ... The list below is 100% true, i am not perfect by any means and can leave things out/ be a scruffy bugger sometimes..... but I’m a positive happy fun bloke to be around, no anger issues, faithful and will always help anyone out.

So, here's my list of errrm... problems, in no particular order. :)

1. I always make the first move sexually ... if I don’t, it doesn’t happen. ( I do everything when we do ... literally no effort put in on her part)
   (been like this for the past 15 years.... once every month or so)

2. She is never happy with what she has and always wants more. She is jealous of friends who are living in bigger better 250k+ houses .....
   (but doesn’t/won’t do anything to earn any more to make it possible. It's my job to find a better job paying more money.... she has mentioned...why don’t i go working away to earn more??!!) (i earn 37k a year which i think is pretty good considering I’m home to pick the kids up every day)

3. I do things off the cuff and the action is never reciprocated..... making breakfast in bed on a weekend, back massages, kisses etc.

4. She belittles me for trying to make money and think of business idea's. (I’m always giving something a go because i think i can make something of myself)

5. She has very little drive and self-motivation.

6. I pick the kids up every day from school & make tea 5 nights a week and 95% of the time i usually end up cleaning up afterwards.

7. All my effort goes unnoticed.

8. She has turned my kids against my mother (my mums not perfect... but should keep thoughts to herself)

9. Expects me to take on any sort of finance on in my soul name.... she has no debt/credit cards or loans.

10. Will never admit when she's in the wrong or answer an awkward question.... and always follows up a question with a 'statement' about something shitty I’ve done or said in the past. (she would make a good politician!)

11. She NEVER EVER apologises. (it's usually left to me, even if I’m not in the wrong... otherwise we don’t speak)

12. Refuses to do my ironing...but irons kids and her cloths. (because i once made a jibe about going to work looking like I’ve been in a train accident with all tram lines on my shirts and work pants)

I have been 100% faithful in 21 years and can count my sexual conquests on two fingers.
We are not married, mainly due to cost.
In my eye's i make all the effort and it feels like one way traffic, but I’m that used to it now, it's kind of become the norm for me.

Any advice for my predicament?

Cheers

Jibe means to insult or taunt. Not a joke.

OP hasn't come back for a while, anyway.

First go and see a solicitor and find out what the financial situation would be if you split. Possibly, as a single resident parent, she would be ok on her own with the DCs. You might be left with the debts, can you pay them off if you have to pay maintenance?

Once you know how that would pan out. Speak to DWife. You sound fed up with each other. Sex once a month is not very close. I suspect she could see massages etc as foreplay and if she isn't interested she isn't interested.
Counselling might be the answer. But I would work out what the situation is if you split first. Do you need counselling because you can't afford to separate?, or because she doesn't want to split? or because you both would like to make a go of things. That will make a big difference to the result imo.

Jibe means to insult or taunt. Not a joke.

or a sarcastic remark, it really depends on person, I wouldn't use it as a term to describe a joke but the explanation sounds like a tongue in cheek sarcastic comment, to me at least.

It doesn't depend on the person. Words have meanings. He used the word jibe.

it does depend on the person, if they think they know the meaning of a word they are using (but are wrong).

In the absence of a correction from the poster who has used a word, I tend to assume they mean the actual definition of the word.

I think with the ironing thing we're over focusing on a very small part of what he wrote. I think for someone who does the ironing, it is petty to iron everything except your husbands. What he said sounded light hearted and is just a very small part of the overall story.

Yes it might have hurt her and made her feel under valued but this is the same as he's feeling now. You need to get it all out on the table and see if you can get the love back, the respect back and try to appreciate one another again. Can you set time aside every week or fortnight to do something coupley?

The overall story is that she seems to do everything in the house and with the children other than his ironing and picking the kids up from school, giving them tea and sometimes clearing up.

And he thinks he's the one who is under-valued and unappreciated.

It doesn't depend on the person. Words have meanings. He used the word jibe.

Well I thought that it was spelled gibe anyway so go figure.....

It isn't spelt gibe.

Ironing is very different to cooking. Cooking 3 portions of pasta or 4 is the same effort. Ironing 5 work tops is less than half as much work as 5 work tops and 5 work shirts. Kids' ironing (we don't bother in our house) is way less work, IMO, as tends to be easicare fabric.

The overall story is that she seems to do everything in the house and with the children other than his ironing and picking the kids up from school, giving them tea and sometimes clearing up

You must be new to MN Somerville.
Once DCs are at school SAHM lead the life of Riley! And certainly shouldn't expect help with cooking etc !

As far as I can gather the Ops partner isn't a SAHM, she works earning around 20k.

This ironing thing has taken on a life of it's own.

If a Mum came on here and said 'My partner criticises me for not earning enough, has insisted I take out joint debt in my sole name when we aren't married and has turned the children against my Mother' what would the general reaction be?

Suspect OP didn't get what he wanted and won't be back...

Bluntly, it's over. Been there...and you are right, be careful about going there a second time with a new partner.

If a Mum came on here and said 'My partner criticises me for not earning enough, has insisted I take out joint debt in my sole name when we aren't married and has turned the children against my Mother' what would the general reaction be

And also said that she was very supportive because she picked the children up after school and that he no longer ironed her clothes because she complained about his ironing?

I'd say the same, the OP obviously doesn't love her spouse and the marriage is over.