A woman's perspective on my predicament please...

[Blueeyedstranger]

Hi,
It’s a first for me posting my problems online... but tbh I’m at the end of my tether and need to vent/get stuff off my chest to someone/anyone.

I'm posting here as i'm trying to get an idea whether my predicament is normal for a 21 year relationship and wanting advice on what to do.

The long and short of my problems is that I’ve been in a relationship to my childhood sweet heart for 21 years, I’m 38, we have two children, live in our own 3 bed house and gradually over the years i have been worn down with weekly major arguments, but i feel like i cant leave her because...

• I feel like I’d be making my kids’ lives a mess.

• It would be a real struggle for me financially leaving with nothing but debt, and very depressing living in a little rented sh&t hole. (she can’t afford to take the mortgage on and pay me out)

• I feel like if I get with someone else I might be in the same predicament in x years’ time.... because it's human nature to get bored.

I decided to write a list of my gripes ... The list below is 100% true, i am not perfect by any means and can leave things out/ be a scruffy bugger sometimes..... but I’m a positive happy fun bloke to be around, no anger issues, faithful and will always help anyone out.

So, here's my list of errrm... problems, in no particular order. :)

1. I always make the first move sexually ... if I don’t, it doesn’t happen. ( I do everything when we do ... literally no effort put in on her part)
   (been like this for the past 15 years.... once every month or so)

2. She is never happy with what she has and always wants more. She is jealous of friends who are living in bigger better 250k+ houses .....
   (but doesn’t/won’t do anything to earn any more to make it possible. It's my job to find a better job paying more money.... she has mentioned...why don’t i go working away to earn more??!!) (i earn 37k a year which i think is pretty good considering I’m home to pick the kids up every day)

3. I do things off the cuff and the action is never reciprocated..... making breakfast in bed on a weekend, back massages, kisses etc.

4. She belittles me for trying to make money and think of business idea's. (I’m always giving something a go because i think i can make something of myself)

5. She has very little drive and self-motivation.

6. I pick the kids up every day from school & make tea 5 nights a week and 95% of the time i usually end up cleaning up afterwards.

7. All my effort goes unnoticed.

8. She has turned my kids against my mother (my mums not perfect... but should keep thoughts to herself)

9. Expects me to take on any sort of finance on in my soul name.... she has no debt/credit cards or loans.

10. Will never admit when she's in the wrong or answer an awkward question.... and always follows up a question with a 'statement' about something shitty I’ve done or said in the past. (she would make a good politician!)

11. She NEVER EVER apologises. (it's usually left to me, even if I’m not in the wrong... otherwise we don’t speak)

12. Refuses to do my ironing...but irons kids and her cloths. (because i once made a jibe about going to work looking like I’ve been in a train accident with all tram lines on my shirts and work pants)

I have been 100% faithful in 21 years and can count my sexual conquests on two fingers.
We are not married, mainly due to cost.
In my eye's i make all the effort and it feels like one way traffic, but I’m that used to it now, it's kind of become the norm for me.

Any advice for my predicament?

Cheers

I'm seperating from DH well attempting to he is in denial and we have never had an issue with sex. The women I know that go off sex it's almost always because they have gone off their partner.

He did a lot of school drops offs and does stuff and is a great Dad but you know people are allowed to fall out of love.

I feel like you need to take some time for each other. It kind of sounds like you're just going through the motions. Take a holiday without the kids if you can, go somewhere lovely where you can reconnect. You need to talk to your wife without accusing her of being the bad guy if that makes sense. We all do it, think it's the OHs fault but often fail to see our own faults. Communication is key! And if you need to do it through a therapist to make it worth while then it'd be a good idea to looking into that before speaking to your wife. It's not hopeless, you obviously don't hate each other or you'd already be apart. Good luck!

Another thing is the more my present partner does around the house the more I am up for sex.
Sex shouldn't be a reward based thing in return for carrying out chores.

It's not about reward. It's about feeling respected and equal, not like a slice,

Slice = skivvy

I agree with Goosey - you really need to talk to her. You're childhood sweethearts, you've been together for 21 years - I don't think you should give up on it just yet. Talk to her, tell her how you feel (but try not to be too moany or accusing - I'm sure she has a long list of complaints about you too).
It's difficult to know what to advise without knowing you both, but I reckon you could have many happy years ahead with her yet - relationships just aren't perfect all of the time.

Another thing is the more my present partner does around the house the more I am up for sex.

Sex shouldn't be a reward based thing in return for carrying out chores.

How strangely you've interpreted the first comment, HarmlessChap. Like HelenDenver, to me it doesn't imply sex as a reward (WTF?) at all. Many women find it massively unattractive when their partner doesn't pull their weight around the home. As a result, they don't feel like having much sex with them. (Women often work much longer hours than men; fitting more household work around paid employment and with fewer leisure activities, so they're more tired at bedtime too.)

The concept of sex as a reward makes me want to throw up, frankly.

How strangely you've interpreted the first comment, HarmlessChap
Sorry, my experience is that statement has been used as an excuse as when I've taken over the majority of household chores it has made no difference to our relationship, other than enabling her to spend more time on candy crush.

Lovely.

'Sorry, my experience is that statement has been used as an excuse as when I've taken over the majority of household chores it has made no difference to our relationship'

So what's you're saying is that when you step up and do your bit around the house you expect sex and then get stroppy when you don't get it?

Ever heard the one about the plural of anecdote not being data, HarmlessChap?

Here is the data

Sure on an individual level a woman might prefer Candy Crush to her partner. But the latest data on modern relationships shows clearly that: "Heterosexual couples who share household chores have sex more often than couples in which the woman does the bulk of the housework... Egalitarian couples have sex more often because they feel a greater sense of fairness in the relationship and higher satisfaction with its quality."

So what's you're saying is that when you step up and do your bit around the house you expect sex and then get stroppy when you don't get it?

No I was apologizing for projecting. Sex does not happen in my marriage (well 6 times in the last 5 years), TBH its not the most important thing, its that the only affection and intimacy comes from me i.e. she never voluntarily hugs or kisses me and a couple of days ago was the 1st time I can remember that she told me she loves me, unprompted.

Whenever I try to address it I am blamed for inadequacies in this or that but whatever it is I address it it but nothing changes.

She claims to love me, doesn't want to leave and doesn't want me to leave. She is content with an entirely platonic relationship but I'm not.

We are making very slow gradual progress, but if things are the same when the kids are off to Uni in a few years, we won't last much longer.

That sounds hard, chap, sorry. I don't think she's being fair to you at all if she refuses to be affectionate but says she doesn't want to end the relationship. It may be that she has huge resentment towards you and the changes you make don't help with that, but whatever it is, she has no right to keep you hanging around if she doesn't really love you.

Hope you manage to resolve it.

The ironing thing is petty on her part.

Christ I've occasionally pointed out to my DH he hasn't washed some of the pots properly. If he continued doing his and the DCs but refused to wash a mug or plate of mine ever again I'd be pretty darn annoyed.

He has committed the cardinal sin of asking me if I've ironed something of his just after I've done it I ribbed him about it, I still do his ironing (occasionally, I'm an 'it's alright dried flat or tumble dried' person most of the time).

Two things stand out for me. You say you think you've both fallen out of love Op. If that's the case then yes you could both be happier separating while coparenting. Your DCs are just reaching secondary school age, it would be a lot harder to split in a few years when they have important exams.

The finances. You aren't married. Firstly don't take on any more joint debt in your sole name.

Seek advice from a solicitor regarding the house. Are the deeds/mortgage in your sole name or joint names? You say your partner couldn't afford to take on the mortgage, could you afford the house on your wage alone? Or look at what selling would mean for you both, what share of the equity would you be entitled to to help you both start again separately.

I'd feel pretty hacked off if I did pretty much everything around the house and then my husband made a 'joke' about how I didn't iron his shirts properly.

Raisins petty because Op says she makes a point of refusing to do his ironing because of one comment he made.

Nothing to do with ironing being women's work, men's work, I see it as unnecessary work most of the time

Absolutely all for showing appreciation but that works both ways. Not ok that she's belittling the Op for the wage he earns or money making ideas he comes up with. Or that she insists he takes out joint credit card debt in his sole name.

Finances would be my big concern here as however long they've been together they aren't married. Hope the Op's partner is fully aware of what her position is.

It was a hell of a comment though. Not "sweetie, could you do the collars for 30 s longer, thanks?" But a huge criticism.

I think she's only there for the kids, you're a meal ticket. Time to talk and go your separate ways.

What oleoleoleole said ^.

Sounds all about the children (from both parents though).

it was not a hell of a comment. he didnt tear his shirt up and refuse to wear it. he never threw the ironing board across the room. he made a JOKE.

honestly if you burnt dinner and your DP made a joke, would you never cook for them again, only for yourself and DC? would you continue on holding a grudge about a joke for months/years/however long? if you would then you are a sad individual who really knows what to focus on in life

OP what does your wife do around the house, for clarification? because most posters here are under the impression that you only work full time, pick up kids, cook and clean after dinner. does she take kids to school, do laundry, clean house? who does food shopping? what di you do on weekends?

tbh it sounds like you have both fallen out of love, there is a thread on here about people who are leaving their DPs not because of abuse or adultery, but just because they are no longer happy. maybe have a look at that for some insight.

He admits himself it was a jibe.

Sounds like you've outgrown each other. People are getting very het up about the ironing comment because of historic and current gender inequalities in housework, but seriously- if your partner (male or female) did all the washing but not yours, or all the washing up except your plate and cutlery, or tidied the whole house except anything belonging to you, that might make you wonder about your relationship. I never iron, but if I did, it wouldn't occur to me to weed out all dps shirts and then iron everything else.