A woman's perspective on my predicament please...

[Blueeyedstranger]

Hi,
It’s a first for me posting my problems online... but tbh I’m at the end of my tether and need to vent/get stuff off my chest to someone/anyone.

I'm posting here as i'm trying to get an idea whether my predicament is normal for a 21 year relationship and wanting advice on what to do.

The long and short of my problems is that I’ve been in a relationship to my childhood sweet heart for 21 years, I’m 38, we have two children, live in our own 3 bed house and gradually over the years i have been worn down with weekly major arguments, but i feel like i cant leave her because...

• I feel like I’d be making my kids’ lives a mess.

• It would be a real struggle for me financially leaving with nothing but debt, and very depressing living in a little rented sh&t hole. (she can’t afford to take the mortgage on and pay me out)

• I feel like if I get with someone else I might be in the same predicament in x years’ time.... because it's human nature to get bored.

I decided to write a list of my gripes ... The list below is 100% true, i am not perfect by any means and can leave things out/ be a scruffy bugger sometimes..... but I’m a positive happy fun bloke to be around, no anger issues, faithful and will always help anyone out.

So, here's my list of errrm... problems, in no particular order. :)

1. I always make the first move sexually ... if I don’t, it doesn’t happen. ( I do everything when we do ... literally no effort put in on her part)
   (been like this for the past 15 years.... once every month or so)

2. She is never happy with what she has and always wants more. She is jealous of friends who are living in bigger better 250k+ houses .....
   (but doesn’t/won’t do anything to earn any more to make it possible. It's my job to find a better job paying more money.... she has mentioned...why don’t i go working away to earn more??!!) (i earn 37k a year which i think is pretty good considering I’m home to pick the kids up every day)

3. I do things off the cuff and the action is never reciprocated..... making breakfast in bed on a weekend, back massages, kisses etc.

4. She belittles me for trying to make money and think of business idea's. (I’m always giving something a go because i think i can make something of myself)

5. She has very little drive and self-motivation.

6. I pick the kids up every day from school & make tea 5 nights a week and 95% of the time i usually end up cleaning up afterwards.

7. All my effort goes unnoticed.

8. She has turned my kids against my mother (my mums not perfect... but should keep thoughts to herself)

9. Expects me to take on any sort of finance on in my soul name.... she has no debt/credit cards or loans.

10. Will never admit when she's in the wrong or answer an awkward question.... and always follows up a question with a 'statement' about something shitty I’ve done or said in the past. (she would make a good politician!)

11. She NEVER EVER apologises. (it's usually left to me, even if I’m not in the wrong... otherwise we don’t speak)

12. Refuses to do my ironing...but irons kids and her cloths. (because i once made a jibe about going to work looking like I’ve been in a train accident with all tram lines on my shirts and work pants)

I have been 100% faithful in 21 years and can count my sexual conquests on two fingers.
We are not married, mainly due to cost.
In my eye's i make all the effort and it feels like one way traffic, but I’m that used to it now, it's kind of become the norm for me.

Any advice for my predicament?

Cheers

'All my effort goes unnoticed'

What effort?? You make tea and clean up! And you complain about her not ironing your clothes!! Who buys the clothes, washes the clothes, dries the clothes, puts them away? Who cleans the bathroom? Who hoovers/dusts/wipes? Who cuts the children's nails and takes them for haircuts?

Also I find it pretty disgusting that you have sex with someone who clearly has no interest.

I was with you until the ironing. You're a grown adult and responsible for how you look and how you groom yourself.

It sounds like you're stuck in a rut and there isn't a lot of love going on between you.

This is when it pays not to be married, as you won't have a messy divorce. Sounds like she sees it as your job to provide for her.

When she asks you to get a higher paying job, do you tell her she could also do that?

Does your DP see a problem with your relationship? Or is she happy with the status quo? If you can discuss your feelings with her, you should, in a calm and non accusatory manner.

See if you can access relationship counselling. If she's agreeable, but money is a problem, PM me and I have information on a place that can help. Money isn't their primary concern, building successful relationships is.

Bear in mind what you're seeing is who she is and you won't be able to change her. In which case, put a plan in place to pay off the debts and it will be easier to leave.

There's no point in being unhappy, but doing nothing about it.

You mentioned twice that you've been faithful and once that you haven't had many sexual conquests (nice phrase). And your number one gripe was about sex.

Are you regretting not shagging more before marriage, perchance?

I must admit the ironing comment is terrible 😬🙈

Also, you pick the kids up every day, great, what are her working hours? Assume she drops them off?

If she's picking up on your dislike for her it's not really surprising that she doesn't want sex. You say she doesn't initate and sex only happens once a month when you initiate, and even then she's passive. You've been having sex once a month with a woman who's given you signals she doesn't want to be having sex. For fifteen years?

Did you ever discuss her lower libido? Have you ever worked on improving that aspect by asking her what she needs? Sex with a woman who's actions suggest she doesn't want it is dodgy ground and if you know she doesn't want it, then maybe don't initiate. It's normal to want sex with your partner, but it's also ok for one to not want it, you either need to work on it or split up. After fifteen years of having sex she doesn't want may be too late though.

I wouldn't iron anyone's clothes after they've made jokes about it not being how they want stuff ironed either. If her ironing isn't good enough for you then of course you do your own.

A lot of the other things on your list are not anything medal worthy, it's stuff that most parents do, it sounds like you feel you're doing it for her, rather than for your children's needs. I don't thank my dh for taking his daughter to school for eg, as its one if the requirements of being a parent. When she irons the children's clothes, do you see it as her doing it for you? Or for her children?

If you want to share the responsibilities a bit more, again, that's something you need to discuss with her, so if you want her to take DC to school for half the week, you need to talk about she feels about that how it can be achieved, will she need to adjust/reduce working hours etc? It often ends up with one parent doing all the "wife work" as well as housework stuff, organising parties, doctors appointments, after school clubs, birthday cards, Xmas gifts for both sides of families, if she's doing that are you showing her your appreciation? If it's you doing all of it, you need to speak about splitting it so you're both doing a share that's proportion to time at home.

You don't sound happy, and I can't imagine shes having the time of her life either, the children will pick up on it, they really will, and two unhappy parents creating a negative environment with weekly rows and the atmosphere after them can cause as much damage as a bad step parent. Don't stay together for the children, it won't work and will cause them more pain than you both just being single.

Personally I think the ironing thing says a lot - it isn't petty, it's a true indicator.

If a woman doesn't iron anything, or doesn't iron her things, then sure, it doesn't mean anything if she doesn't iron his. They should jointly get someone to do a bit of ironing for £15 a week, problem sorted.

But she DOES iron. She carefully, lovingly irons the kids' clothes, and her own. But she leaves his. I'm an ironer, and I always do kids first, his next, and mine if I can be bothered. I love doing his. I even don't like it if someone else does his. Because it is an extension of caring for him - looking after the one I love.

I think she sounds bloody mean and I wouldn't want her. I think she's complacent, selfish, and has it too good - she is, basically, spoilt.

And I don't think she's got a lower libido - I think she's just lazy. And spoilt again there.

Basically she has got so comfortable in the relationship that you aren't any kind of priority. Which is not great, especially since you do still make an effort for her. Unappreciated.

It's not much of a life. At 38, what have you got to look forward to? If you can face it, I'd probably change it. BUT the kids would rather you stay together, I'm sure. They don't care if she does your ironing or whatever else - so long as you don't fight in front of them, they'll prefer it if you stay. A hard one.

First option: try to sort it with her.

Do you really love her?
If you dont love her then break up with her. In the short term it will be hard but at the end of the day it will be better for everyone involved including your children if you move on alone or create healthier relationships. Dont stay with someone out of obligation or fear, its not fair on anyone.

PS why should she do your ironing?!?!

Try for six months thinking about HER as a person. Not as a wife or mother. But as a person, who is interesting and attractive in HER OWN RIGHT.

Take her on dates. See the good in her. Ask her questions about her goals, her spirit, her opinion.

Give her specific praise. Babe, i love it when you wear that top, it really suits you. Honey, what do you think about this, I really value your opinion.

See if that makes her more responsive to you. I bet it will.

All any woman really wants is to be seen and appreciated.

She sounds lazy and doesn't treat you with much respect at all. Things sound very uneven and unfair. I'd love to see her list about you!

It sounds like you've grown apart and to test whether you can come together again (you obviously share a history and must have got together for good reason) I really think you need to share some of the things on the list. Not just the things but how they leave you feeling.

Ultimately if you're not happy, your children won't thank you for staying together. It will be clear to them the lack of love and warmth which is in some ways worse for them than separated parents.

Wishing you all the best! Xx

Don't leave any relationship (particularly one with kids) until you're sure that you've tried your very hardest to make it work.

I love how because you mentioned she does her own ironing and the kids ironing but not yours, and that she is a good cook, that you are some sort of sexist misogynist! Despite OP stating that he works full time while also picking the kids up from school, cooking 5 nights a week and cleaning 95% of the time.

Lets be honest if a woman wrote this out about her husband, it would be tea and sympathy for her.

You state that she belittles you, (if you were a woman that would be abuse on this forum), she has no motivation to improve her situation, she expects you to take on all of the debts/loans, doesn't apologise ever and doesn't make an effort to make you feel special. yes she might be a good mother and not a horrible, spiteful witch but it doesn't sound like you are a priority to her, you are just something she is used to.

TheSparrowhawk are you joking? if she didn't want to sleep with him she would say no! you make it sound as if he is grooming and raping her. has she ever vocalized that she doesnt want to have sex? or does she just not initiate it? there is a big difference.

another PP stating that OP should make more effort to make her feel special. he already stated he makes her breakfast in bed, gives her kisses etc. and she does none of that back.

jobanana is the only one speaking any sense here

"cooking 5 nights a week and cleaning 95% of the time"

Cleaning up after he cooks 95% of the time. No mention of general cleaning.

He wasn't very loving when he insulted her ironing, was he, jo?

He didn't insult her ironing. He pointed out that one example of her shifting her ass and doing something in the house is the ironing - but she only does it for the kids and her, and doesn't do it for him - whereas he's bringing in all the income, and picking up the kids, and cooking, and cleaning. For everyone. The least she could do would be to do the odd generous thing for him.

Yes, of course, doing someone's ironing is a kind and generous thing to do. No, of course she doesn't HAVE to. In the same way that she doesn't HAVE to show him physical affection, give him the odd kiss, make him feel loved. But if she's not doing that, then it's a bit of a cold and sad world for him, and what's the bloody point? What is he? An operative? Get the cash, get the kids, cook the food, clean, once a month if he's lucky get a little bit of physical warmth, but has to take it from someone who passively allows it - and, get shouted at and told he's rubbish because he doesn't earn enough? She really is mean, I'm sorry.

I know it's not fashionable to talk about things like women doing ironing, but the point here isn't that, really - it's that there are some things people do for each other to show they treasure the other person - and she isn't taking any opportunity to show that she loves him.

I feel really sorry for him. Because the blank truth is that this kind of sad existence is something that often nobody talks about, and one or other partner just gets on with, because they don't want to break up the family. Because they feel precisely that it would be awful to split apart the kids' lives just because of something seemingly small like the ironing ... so they just put up with it, and try to make do on what are very slim emotional and physical pickings.

I know it was a long op, jo, but this is him insulting her ironing:

"because i once made a jibe about going to work looking like I’ve been in a train accident with all tram lines on my shirts and work pants)"

Ah ok I didn't read it properly - yes he DID criticise her ironing - and it wasn't nice.

Ok. Sorry. I take it all back. If someone's doing your ironing, no.1 rule is you can't complain about it. Be grateful for it, even if it's really bad, or do it yourself.

She basically doesn't sound happy at all. She sounds disappointed. But I do get why she doesn't iron. And I'm afraid I do think that's your fault. I think be glad she doesn't iron, because if she did she'd probably be deliberately ironing holes in things ... it was mean to say that to her.

And this, I believe, means he doesn't earn "all of the cash" - he earns 37k and she earns 20k

"but i am being a bit blinkered in my way of thinking considering i earn another 17k a year and we are not married. "

Johanna he cleans up after tea 95% of the time. He makes absolutely no mention (conveniently) of who does all the other cleaning in the house, but I can hazard a guess at who it is, can't you?

I wonder who washes all those clothes that need ironing? I wonder who brings the children to school every morning? I wonder who does the 4,000 other jobs around the house that the OP hasn't mentioned. He cooks 5 days a week (not 7) and cleans up afterwards, that's it. And she's the last one??? Fuck off.

Eskimo I'm guessing that given that the OP seems to have no idea why his wife is so sexually passive, he doesn't really care. He gets his once a month and complains about it. I'd imagine at this stage his wife just gets on with it. A decent person would at least figure out what was going on rather than shagging a totally uninterested person for 15 years.

lazy one

Every human has the right to bodily autonomy. Life is tiring and a sex life takes effort. If she doesn't want to put in effort then she doesn't have to. When you do initiate sex you say she puts in no effort - do you mean she isn't enthusiastically participating but just passively allowing? I think you need to stop initiating then. Enthusiastic desire to participate is the minimum acceptable definition of when sex is fully consensual. Sexual activity that is not fully consensual is abuse.

You are also autonomous and you are perfectly reasonable to not want to go away to earn more. You sound like you have a good work-life balance to contribute equally to raising your kids. You should not have to work more hours or take on debt to fund a more luxurious life.

But you sound like you want a hero's accolade for doing school pickups and daily tea - presumably therefore your DP does daily breakfast and school drop-offs? That sounds fairly balanced and no special praise or acknowledgement is due.

Why the fuck should she do your ironing for you? She isn't a servant. Do it yourself or pay for an ironing service.

Also something no one has mentioned yet... the sex thing. Could it be she doesn't want to as she doesn't enjoy it? could it be whispers the OP's technique or lack of

My ex was so shit in bed it got to the stage where I couldn't bear the thought of it and didn't let him near me. I never had an orgasm with him as he was so selfish in bed

Another thing is the more my present partner does around the house the more I am up for sex. I think there's actually studies been done that show this is the case. So maybe he isn't doing quite as much as he thinks he is 😐

Sorry posted too quick I know that posters have responded to the sex thing I mean no one has asked if ops wife actually enjoys it