Hurt that my 35-year best friend has chosen my other best friend as her maid of honour. Devastated 😪

[Nixnoks]

Hi ladies, I'm looking for some advice in a situation I never through I'd be in.

I'll try and keep it as short and to the point as possible - not easy though!

My bestie and I have been best friends for 35 years, since we were 11. During that time, of course there have been times and years when we weren't as close as children, jobs etc can take over, BUT, there's never been a break in the friendship. She's been married twice, I was bridesmaid to first wedding (her second wedding just contained their daughters). She was bridesmaid at my first wedding (second wedding, I had none). I'm god mother to her children and her to my one. We have gone through soooooooo much together and literally know everything about each other, we talk everyday on message and see each other at least twice a month. I have included her in my world of friends and this is where she met my other best friend (of 15 years). Two years ago she divorced second Husband and immediately got with a mutual friend of mine and OBF (other best friend). So she only knows her fiancé and my OBF through me, absolutely no problem at all.

During the last 3 years, my life has been devastating, I literally nearly died of Bowel cancer, have done 8 months of chemo, I've had a colostomy bag, I've had 3 major ops and 12 not so major, and because of a rare complication, I, until recently, have been in agonising daily pain. I've also nearly died twice since then. So putting it mildly I've had a tough time, but my outlook has always been extremely positive and upbeat. I say all this , not for sympathy, but because despite going through all this, this situation has devastated and affected me more than the above!

Fast forward, she's now getting married again. Sooooo pleased for my bestie and her fiancé (whom I've known for 15 years). They are also spending weekends, nights out and holidays with OBF ( with no invite for us, despite being free and able to get babysitter, hurtful but have let it go).

I then get told, on a drunken girls night out after 2 wines to "not be upset", but she's asked my OBF to be her maid of honour when she gets married. I was absolutely devastated and felt suckerpunched 😪😪 she then proceeded to say "it just feels like the right thing to do as her husband is the best man, plus they are coming out for the 2 week holiday. You have a little girl to concentrate on and the hotel is adults only, and you need to concentrate on your health. I feel bad because I know what you've gone through but it just makes sense to have OBF". Aaarrrrrrgggghhhhh😡😡😡😡😡😡😡

I was so gobsmacked, as she brought my daughter into it (when I had already told her we'd attend her wedding abroad for a week (not 2)), and patronising me about my health when I'm currently in a good place. To top it all, all our girlfriends knew before me 😰 I told her it was up to her and left it.

Since then I've said nothing to her about her decision, as it is her decision after all. I've been to her engagement party, been on a few nights out and tried to keep our friendship and relationship on the same basis, but the truth is I just can't. I'm absolutely devastated, hurt, humiliatated and feel betrayed 😪😪

Everyone that's found out has been literally open mouthed and dumbstruck because we are literally like sisters, which does validate my feelings. Humiliating 😫

It's now at the point where I'm answering her texts in one word answers, I'm stony and moody if I've seen her and I've been in too raw an emotional state to talk to her about it. She is emotional dramatic and never wants to take critiscm or responsibility for doing anything wrong, which makes it difficult to have a frank and open conversation. She absolutely knows something's wrong, and unless she's living in a cave she knows exactly what's wrong but refuses to ask me if it's her and what's happened.

I asked to meet her last week, but apparently she was 'busy', even after I told her I was in a deep depression 😒. She's chasing me with messages, photos, positive messages, but I can't even reply to most of them because I don't see why she should have the 9/10 I've been giving for 35 years, when she's hurt me so badly. To make things worse, the friendship she has with my OBF is so superficial, it's bordering on offensive to what's happened.

I'm now meeting her tomorrow night and although I know what I want to say, I'd love some advice. Thanks for listening x

Are you still a bridesmaid, just not
MOH?

I'm also in the middle of planning my wedding and had something similar. I have a lot of very close female friends and thought one in particular would be better suited to give a reading. Therefore I could make other friends bridesmaids and involve as many people as I could in my wedding.

BUT she got unbelievably offended and asked her what she'd done wrong and why I hadn't chosen her and it what was the most awkward conversation ever.

To be honest it massively pissed me off. Not to sound like a Bridezilla but it's MY wedding and MY decision. Why people think they have a say in what I choose to do is beyond me as I have never interfered in their weddings or demanded a role (how arrogant is that?!).

I appreciate you're upset but you have have to respect her choices.

What Slide said.

OP - you are a 46 year old woman talking about "bestie presents"!! Come on - grow up, suck it up, and get on with your life.

I wish you well.

Could you approach the moh and offer your help
Moh is a massive job She might appreciate it and you might feel like you helped in some small way

Another one that hates the "best friend" thing. I have a twin and we always had a group of mates growing up, so I've never had one "best mate". Well, apart from DP who I do refer to ironically as my best bud. But it's healthy to have people who care about you, and I think perhaps you might have put too much reliance on one relationship which in itself is quite intense.

You say that you've introduced her to your group of friends and I think that commendable. But it's not for you to decide how close your friend is allowed to get with these new people. It may well be that new friend and her just 'clicked'- I met one of my BMs only three years ago, got on instantly and she's been the most supportive/useful throughout the wedding process. How do you know they only text once a week? That's entirely normal for most adult friendships, and those exchanges might be more meaningful despite being less frequent. Who knows?

As this is wedding no. 3 she may not want to have repeat bridesmaids (she's not asking her DDs either, is she?) or maybe new friend is genuinely enthusiastic because, to be frank, this is the first wedding of DF's that she will have been too. I think if you're going to have words you need to focus on the fact that she essentially asked you and then rescinded the offer, before failing to do you the courtesy of telling you in private and explaining why she felt it was ok to go back on what she said. I'm completely behind you on that being an unreasonable way to behave, but I don't think it would be fair to your DF to act huffy simply because she didn't choose you.

Also, who asks someone to be BM because they can go out for the whole two weeks? Who wants other people there for the entirety of your honeymoon? I'm going to join some other PP's and say your DF might have bigger concerns than who to have as a BM and perhaps this wedding is simply serving as a distraction.

Also, who asks someone to be BM because they can go out for the whole two weeks? Who wants other people there for the entirety of your honeymoon?

Someone who is getting married for the 3rd time and dances the thought of a two week holiday with their new husband and their friends. I'm think it's not the least bit odd. The 'bride' is in her mid forties and is probably doing what she wants without worrying about convention.

She messed up by telling the OP that she would be bridesmaid but she may genuinely have forgotten. I don't think She was even engaged when she that to the OP.

OP
I have heard her reasons and accepted them, hence not speaking of my hurt.

But you say you've made it clear to her that you are hurt by being stony and moody. OP you are not being honest with yourself about this.

I had something a bit similar when my best friend of 26 yrs and i were both planning our daughters weddings . We have had a lot to do with each others families and my daughter naturally wanted them there and yet in return we werent even invited to their evening do never mind the wedding! It was a big wedding (300 people) and I had the humiliation of everyone talking about it afterwards and asking me what i had thought of the day and I had to admit i hadnt actually been there!
Mutual friends couldnt believe it and it was made worse when i rose above it and txt before wedding saying have a great day etc but got no response at all. The first i heard from my (allegedly )best friend was a txt a week after the event to say it had been a great day but it was the same generic text sent to everyone!
I am still v hurt but have never broached the subject with my friend but it is still a bit awkward whenever the topic of the weddings comes up.
So i understand your hurt op and i dont think you are overreacting at all.
I guess all you can do is try to let it go and move on in your life but i doubt you will ever feel quite the same towards your friend,
I am truly sorry for your hurt and for the terrible time you have had. I hope things get better for you x

You're a 46 y/o mother who nearly died last year and you're going on as if you're 14. Seriously. Let it go.

In the way that it really shouldn't matter that much.

I'm about to marry someone who's been married before and he didn't ask his best friend to be best man again. Seemed wrong having the same best man second time around. People have all sorts of reasons for things they do and don't do at their weddings. Just chalk it up and stop being so moody with your poor friend who's done nothing wrong

It's a third wedding / you're in your 40's. Are things like this really still issues at this point?

^^ What ourblanche said.
You've had literally a near death experience, don't sweat the small stuff and maybe take a look at how you've reacted hugely ott and think maybe she has a point? I feel for you, but its her happy day, not 'the day i appease my friend who will kick off and be a drama queen day'.

I think you've had such an emotionally draining, frightening time that it's easier for you to turn all those negative emotions to something which is easier to deal with and has a definite object; that's why you feel so sucker punched, all the other emotions have piled in on top of the perfectly reasonable ones.

Oh OP i completely feel for you and understand how hurtful this is. Im really sorry i dont have much advice other than been there and done that and it sucks. I git married in the summer and had 3 bridesmaids, one of whom is getting married in March and has asked my other 2 bridesmaids to be hers without asking me, no explanation, found out through other bridesmaid. Whilst our rational brains can be the voice of reason and it tell ourself we're in no way entitled to anything, it doesn't stop the hurt or rejection felt. Sorry not much to add other than feeling for you and have a hand hold x

She likes drama and she's on her third marriage? Is it possible that the fact that you've been friends since you were children is blinding you to some emotional unreliability? It sounds like she's been a good friend to you over the years, but if she treats other people in a volatile fashion, she is likely to treat you in the same way at some point.

I would use this as an opportunity to re-evaluate your friendship, not in the sense of sulking or cutting her off, but genuinely thinking through who she is and how she treats people. One of the problems with 'best friends' is how absolute it is - in reality, most friendships have their strong and weak points, most friends have their difficulties.

I think you are right to be hurt - it's thoughtless at best - what would it have cost her to make you both bridesmaids? I wouldn't end such a long friendship over it, but I would be trying to get a more balanced and realistic picture of her, and from that, hopefully, ultimately a better, if less intense, friendship.

My DH was quite hurt a few years back when the person he chose to be his best man at our wedding then chose another friend to be his best man at his wedding. To me it was because the couple spent more time with that couple than with us ( different town...entirely different culture etc). Fast forward 5 years and my DH sees his friend way more than his other friend. It's just a wedding - try not to he caught up in it.

*Oh dear, this is all very dramatic and childish.

I think all the 'bestie' stuff is a bit much when you are 46 *

This.

flapjackfairy

Your hurt is completely understandable.
Not being invited to this wedding, given the circumstances, is definitely not!

Thankyou walking it means a lot to know that I am not being petty x

I have heard her reasons and accepted them, hence not speaking of my hurt. But you haven't accepted them, you want her to explain herself, again. And you have spoken of your hurt, you said you were communicating in single words... for three months it now appears! She knows you are hurt, angry, upset, sulking....

As I've explained, it was the way she's gone about it, she was grabbing at anything and kept telling me not to be upset. Otherwise known as she explained why and you don't like it!

Don't do this to yourself. 3 months of holding all that in is only going to hurt you most!

When you see her be nice, to her and yourself. Or simply walk away.

But please don't escalate all the drama with demands for 'a better explanation!' You're just setting yourself up to be told to fuck off!

That won't help anyone!

I thought you wanted to see her again so she could explain her reasons? Even though she has already told you.

Maybe you are looking for more reasons that are understandable to you. Or she could end up waffling and saying things for the sake of it and make it messier.

Fwiw I think the reasons she gave are fair enough and up to her even if you don't like them.

Sounds like your relationship with her has been in stuck in the childhood phase. Sounds immature and co-dependent, which isn't healthy for either of you.

It's her third wedding and you've already been a bridesmaid once.

I think you need some perspective on this.

I'd be gutted too OP.

Let me get this straight. You have been best friends with someone for 35 years and another person for 15 years but you only introduced them to each other 2 years ago, which coincidentally was the same time she started seeing your OBF partners best friend. Are you sure you are all as close as you think ?

Let me get this straight. You have been best friends with someone for 35 years and another person for 15 years but you only introduced them to each other 2 years ago, which coincidentally was the same time she started seeing your OBF partners best friend. Are you sure you are all as close as you think ?

It does sound a bit like a case of being Wendied.................

Like I said before, step back and do something for yourself. They always say that when you are ill, you find out who your friends are. Also, you find out what your priorities are.