Hurt that my 35-year best friend has chosen my other best friend as her maid of honour. Devastated 😪

[Nixnoks]

Hi ladies, I'm looking for some advice in a situation I never through I'd be in.

I'll try and keep it as short and to the point as possible - not easy though!

My bestie and I have been best friends for 35 years, since we were 11. During that time, of course there have been times and years when we weren't as close as children, jobs etc can take over, BUT, there's never been a break in the friendship. She's been married twice, I was bridesmaid to first wedding (her second wedding just contained their daughters). She was bridesmaid at my first wedding (second wedding, I had none). I'm god mother to her children and her to my one. We have gone through soooooooo much together and literally know everything about each other, we talk everyday on message and see each other at least twice a month. I have included her in my world of friends and this is where she met my other best friend (of 15 years). Two years ago she divorced second Husband and immediately got with a mutual friend of mine and OBF (other best friend). So she only knows her fiancé and my OBF through me, absolutely no problem at all.

During the last 3 years, my life has been devastating, I literally nearly died of Bowel cancer, have done 8 months of chemo, I've had a colostomy bag, I've had 3 major ops and 12 not so major, and because of a rare complication, I, until recently, have been in agonising daily pain. I've also nearly died twice since then. So putting it mildly I've had a tough time, but my outlook has always been extremely positive and upbeat. I say all this , not for sympathy, but because despite going through all this, this situation has devastated and affected me more than the above!

Fast forward, she's now getting married again. Sooooo pleased for my bestie and her fiancé (whom I've known for 15 years). They are also spending weekends, nights out and holidays with OBF ( with no invite for us, despite being free and able to get babysitter, hurtful but have let it go).

I then get told, on a drunken girls night out after 2 wines to "not be upset", but she's asked my OBF to be her maid of honour when she gets married. I was absolutely devastated and felt suckerpunched 😪😪 she then proceeded to say "it just feels like the right thing to do as her husband is the best man, plus they are coming out for the 2 week holiday. You have a little girl to concentrate on and the hotel is adults only, and you need to concentrate on your health. I feel bad because I know what you've gone through but it just makes sense to have OBF". Aaarrrrrrgggghhhhh😡😡😡😡😡😡😡

I was so gobsmacked, as she brought my daughter into it (when I had already told her we'd attend her wedding abroad for a week (not 2)), and patronising me about my health when I'm currently in a good place. To top it all, all our girlfriends knew before me 😰 I told her it was up to her and left it.

Since then I've said nothing to her about her decision, as it is her decision after all. I've been to her engagement party, been on a few nights out and tried to keep our friendship and relationship on the same basis, but the truth is I just can't. I'm absolutely devastated, hurt, humiliatated and feel betrayed 😪😪

Everyone that's found out has been literally open mouthed and dumbstruck because we are literally like sisters, which does validate my feelings. Humiliating 😫

It's now at the point where I'm answering her texts in one word answers, I'm stony and moody if I've seen her and I've been in too raw an emotional state to talk to her about it. She is emotional dramatic and never wants to take critiscm or responsibility for doing anything wrong, which makes it difficult to have a frank and open conversation. She absolutely knows something's wrong, and unless she's living in a cave she knows exactly what's wrong but refuses to ask me if it's her and what's happened.

I asked to meet her last week, but apparently she was 'busy', even after I told her I was in a deep depression 😒. She's chasing me with messages, photos, positive messages, but I can't even reply to most of them because I don't see why she should have the 9/10 I've been giving for 35 years, when she's hurt me so badly. To make things worse, the friendship she has with my OBF is so superficial, it's bordering on offensive to what's happened.

I'm now meeting her tomorrow night and although I know what I want to say, I'd love some advice. Thanks for listening x

It must just be me, but why on earth is there so much understanding and sympathy for the BF? Her behaviour is awful, the OP is not being dramatic. She's not being accused of being a Bridezilla, but a really crappy friend.

So she's maybe worried her friend but not be fit enough on the day, and now she's all happy happy with the other couple? These aren't good enough reasons to not ask her. It's patronising to have other people decide whether you're up to something healthwise. And what, she's got new friends so the old ones have to take a back seat? How old is she, 6?

I agree with the poster who said she doesn't feel comfortable about your health. She also has this new foursome to consider and reliable old friends need less effort.

I totally see why you are upset but seeing as this is wedding number three to a man she has known two years I would say she's a bit crap with relationships anyway. Sounds like the decision was based on the ( child free) honeymoon anyway rather than you as a person.

I'm a bit more on the fence than some. The OP has been through a lot lately and is perhaps taking it a bit harder than she might. It's a third wedding and the BF is allowed to have who she likes be MOH. However, we're talking best friends of 35 years and the bride obviously knew that the OP would be upset hence her "don't be upset" comment. And if she knew the OP would be upset, you handle it a damn sight better - like explaining properly to her face, not on a drunken night out, and after everyone else knew.

That's the thing sometimes it's a pickle when you have built the friendship and then get side tracked for the new bff.

She's a sleekit mare; totally out of order; so she's asked OBF because her partner is the Best Man and oh yeah, they don't have kids and can stay for two weeks!

You need to tell her OP how she has made you feel, there was no need for any of it, but be prepared, she will be in a heightened state of stress from wedding arrangements etc but I'd still say my piece and leave it there, just don't labour your point but get it across or it will just fester until you do.

Sorry, I think this is way OTT. She thought about it, she made a choice and she tried to explain her reasons. It sounds as if she is trying to protect you from taking on too much, and whether you think she should or not, that comes from caring about you. At the worst, she has got it wrong from good intentions. Cannot believe all the hysteria here - it's a THIRD wedding!

I can understand why you are upset, I would be too.

I think others are right about being careful how you handle this though.
What are the options from here?

• You guilt trip her into making you MOH
• You make her feel like shit for her choice
• You put on a brave face and hold in a load of resentment
• You tell her that you are really gutted about her decision, but would like to move on from it, but in order to do that you need a discussion.

I suspect that this isn't entirely about this topic. Although you are fair enough in being upset about this, I think other upset (possibly about your health?) is making you feel far worse.
If your friend has been a good friend apart from this, I think you owe it to her not to make her feel shitty and to try to deal with this as best you can.
It was insensitive of her, but she's allowed a few mistakes.

nicenewdusters that's not really fair, the bride should be able to pick whoever she pleases to be MOH/Bridesmaid for whatever reason she deems appropriate. The wedding is for her and her husband, not for pandering to everyone what everyone else wants - where would that end? Nobody is ever entitled to hold a position and somebody else's wedding.

However, that said, it would have been better for the bride to speak to OP about her health before making the decision if that was her main reason for asking OBF instead. I wonder why she didn't.

I would feel completely the same as you OP. Some posters have been a little harsh. These things hurt like hell! Especially when you've been through such a crappy time recently and could do without it.

I don't have advice as such, except to say she sounds like an unhelpful and self-absorbed friend and you might do best by distancing yourself. It's not easy but I did the same a couple of years ago with someone who was previously my BF and let me down in several ways. I still feel sad about it sometimes but overall think I was better off moving on and getting on with my life.

Having said that if it was a one off I would probably give her another chance. Or does she have form for this type of thing?

You could have replied "thanks for letting me know. Yes I feel upset about it and hurt but I understand".

Then move on. All this passive aggressive ignoring bollox is childish. If you tell her how you feel then it would be easier to move on.

Falling out over not bring bridesmaid at a third wedding is daft, maybe it's your turn again at number four. TBH I'd have more concerns over a third set of vows than who is bridesmaid.

I suspect that there was a breakdown in communication/understanding about health issues and the stresses it puts on you OP.

However, she has handled it very badly and should have talked to you about it. You might want to consider writing a letter to her explaining your hurt but you need to be prepared for a negative response.

You cannot go on feeling like this though. Why does being the Maid of Honour matter so much to you at this, her third wedding?

You're right Chops, the bride can of course pick whoever she likes, the day belongs to her and the groom. However, she had previously told the OP that she would be asking her, then told her not to be upset when she upset her. I don't think old friends should be treated with less care. In fact if anything they should be handled like the precious things they are.

I really do understand why you are feeling hurt... but, will pa monosyllabic answers and looking sulky really make her think she may have got it wrong, or will it make her think, 'thank goodness I didn't ask Nix'?

It's done now, so if you think as much of her as you say you do, you need to have a stern talk to yourself and get back to being a good friend.

That way, she's bound to ask you on her fourth jaunt down the aisle .

I think if an old friend has been by your side through such an awful time as the op has had, who they choose for their MOH at their third wedding shouldn't really matter.

That's not to say OP isn't allowed to have feelings, just it would be a shame to let the feelings ruin the friendship.

I think this just demonstrates that her view of the role of the MOH is different from yours

I suspect her choice has more to do with convenience than emotion.

I totally understand your upset. It sounds as if she never meant to upset you, but I also can't really see why she would think you wouldn't be upset.

I appreciate you're upset OP especially after your slightly drip feed comment about her asking if you wanted to be bridesmaid if she got married again.

On the other hand, you have already had the 'honour' of being her bridesmaid at her first wedding. Perhaps she just thought it would be nice for someone else (the OBF) to have the honour this time?

Re: her concerns about your health, when I was MOH I had to do a lot of hard graft helping the bride before and during the wedding. With your recent health problems maybe she thought the workload would be overwhelming for you.

I'm a little confused by "patronising me about my health when I'm currently in a good place" and then saying "I asked to meet her last week, but apparently she was 'busy', even after I told her I was in a deep depression". Being in a deep depression is not what I would call "in a good place".

As I say, I can understand why you are hurt but you've already been there, seen it, done it with the first wedding. Why not just enjoy being invited along as a much wanted guest.

And yes, it's a third wedding. You've been bridesmaid before.

TBH OP, I'd understand your reaction if this was her first wedding but given that it's her third, I'd try and let this go.

Sorry, I think this is way OTT. She thought about it, she made a choice and she tried to explain her reasons

Totally agree with this - she doesn't need to justify herself to the OP, and probably won't want to because of all the hysteria and drama. OP appears to know the ins and outs of the bride and her maid of honour's relationship, perhaps she isn't as clued up as she thinks.

It's a THIRD WEDDING, OP has already been a bridesmaid, the bride may want to give someone else a shot.

OP you need to take a massive step back from this and stop it with the drama. Concentrate on your health and stop dwelling on this supposed massive slight on you which really isn't.

Sorry if this doesn't help but if my best mate had survived cancer, she'd been in prime position at my wedding as I'd be so relieved she was there to celebrate it with me. You could reason that having a MOH at a 3rd wedding is slightly weird, but I totally get where you are coming from OP. It's hurtful behaviour, and you expect better from someone you've known so long. Take it on the chin, and perhaps you need to downgrade your friendship from that of best friend to good friend - she seems to have done this with you, and once you accept she's a good friend, then not being her MOH is easier to take. Friendships do ebb and flow, and it would really sad to throw so many years away.

You are right to be hurt, but I wouldn't confront her about it you'll just come across as desperate and needy.

It just sounds like she wants to be couple friends with this other couple, like a foursome, some people are like that.

I think what is hurtful to the OP is the friend asked her then changed and asked someone else and the OP found out on a drunken night out and didn't say or cause any fuss.

Don't think it matters if it's her hundredth wedding, it's the way she's gone about it.

"You could have replied "thanks for letting me know. Yes I feel upset about it and hurt but I understand".

Then move on. All this passive aggressive ignoring bollox is childish. If you tell her how you feel then it would be easier to move on"

Agree with that, in summary

Oh dear, this is all very dramatic and childish.

I think all the 'bestie' stuff is a bit much when you are 46 . I also think it's a bit questionable to care so much about being MOH for a third wedding. Your friends reasons sound perfectly sound and even if they aren't then it really is up to her who she asks. I'm a bit that you have judged your friends friendship with your OBF - just because they 'just' text once a week doesn't mean they are not very close. You are clearly really close friends but that doesn't mean that she can't be really close friends with someone else even if they haven't known each other for so long.

If I were you I would sincerely apologise for being stony and moody (WTF!!) and say let's forget it ever happened and move on.