Hurt that my 35-year best friend has chosen my other best friend as her maid of honour. Devastated 😪

[Nixnoks]

Hi ladies, I'm looking for some advice in a situation I never through I'd be in.

I'll try and keep it as short and to the point as possible - not easy though!

My bestie and I have been best friends for 35 years, since we were 11. During that time, of course there have been times and years when we weren't as close as children, jobs etc can take over, BUT, there's never been a break in the friendship. She's been married twice, I was bridesmaid to first wedding (her second wedding just contained their daughters). She was bridesmaid at my first wedding (second wedding, I had none). I'm god mother to her children and her to my one. We have gone through soooooooo much together and literally know everything about each other, we talk everyday on message and see each other at least twice a month. I have included her in my world of friends and this is where she met my other best friend (of 15 years). Two years ago she divorced second Husband and immediately got with a mutual friend of mine and OBF (other best friend). So she only knows her fiancé and my OBF through me, absolutely no problem at all.

During the last 3 years, my life has been devastating, I literally nearly died of Bowel cancer, have done 8 months of chemo, I've had a colostomy bag, I've had 3 major ops and 12 not so major, and because of a rare complication, I, until recently, have been in agonising daily pain. I've also nearly died twice since then. So putting it mildly I've had a tough time, but my outlook has always been extremely positive and upbeat. I say all this , not for sympathy, but because despite going through all this, this situation has devastated and affected me more than the above!

Fast forward, she's now getting married again. Sooooo pleased for my bestie and her fiancé (whom I've known for 15 years). They are also spending weekends, nights out and holidays with OBF ( with no invite for us, despite being free and able to get babysitter, hurtful but have let it go).

I then get told, on a drunken girls night out after 2 wines to "not be upset", but she's asked my OBF to be her maid of honour when she gets married. I was absolutely devastated and felt suckerpunched 😪😪 she then proceeded to say "it just feels like the right thing to do as her husband is the best man, plus they are coming out for the 2 week holiday. You have a little girl to concentrate on and the hotel is adults only, and you need to concentrate on your health. I feel bad because I know what you've gone through but it just makes sense to have OBF". Aaarrrrrrgggghhhhh😡😡😡😡😡😡😡

I was so gobsmacked, as she brought my daughter into it (when I had already told her we'd attend her wedding abroad for a week (not 2)), and patronising me about my health when I'm currently in a good place. To top it all, all our girlfriends knew before me 😰 I told her it was up to her and left it.

Since then I've said nothing to her about her decision, as it is her decision after all. I've been to her engagement party, been on a few nights out and tried to keep our friendship and relationship on the same basis, but the truth is I just can't. I'm absolutely devastated, hurt, humiliatated and feel betrayed 😪😪

Everyone that's found out has been literally open mouthed and dumbstruck because we are literally like sisters, which does validate my feelings. Humiliating 😫

It's now at the point where I'm answering her texts in one word answers, I'm stony and moody if I've seen her and I've been in too raw an emotional state to talk to her about it. She is emotional dramatic and never wants to take critiscm or responsibility for doing anything wrong, which makes it difficult to have a frank and open conversation. She absolutely knows something's wrong, and unless she's living in a cave she knows exactly what's wrong but refuses to ask me if it's her and what's happened.

I asked to meet her last week, but apparently she was 'busy', even after I told her I was in a deep depression 😒. She's chasing me with messages, photos, positive messages, but I can't even reply to most of them because I don't see why she should have the 9/10 I've been giving for 35 years, when she's hurt me so badly. To make things worse, the friendship she has with my OBF is so superficial, it's bordering on offensive to what's happened.

I'm now meeting her tomorrow night and although I know what I want to say, I'd love some advice. Thanks for listening x

Maybe you'll get a chance at wedding number 4? . helpful....

I think that all you need to say to her tomorrow, is good luck. Wouldn't sweat it on this

You must be incredibly hurt by all this and I don't blame you at all - because you have been such close friends for all this time, I'd have to tell her outright how you're feeling so that she can understand what it would have meant to you ... if you don't, it will fester and you will resent her even more. I don't understand the posters who think it's okay and not hurtful and that OP shouldn't feel betrayed in a way - does nobody ever put themselves in someone else's situation? If they were actual sisters it would be frowned upon, so to be such good friends as close as sisters is just as relevant

Was she there for you when you went through all your challenges?

Imo, that would be the test of a friendship.

This sounds more like something convenient. They are close friends as 2 couples, it's not really as major when it's your third time round, so it's maybe not such a big deal to her as it is to you.

I can understand why you feel hurt and upset, but you're making this much more than it really is. As others have said, she's allowed to move away from the intensity of your friendship and spend time with others. She's clearly at a stage in her life when her "other" best friend is someone she enjoys spending time with a bit more than you.

Sorry OP, but it happens. You either let it bother you enough to destroy the friendship or you move past it, your decision.

With all my sympathies for how utterly rubbish a year you have had: this is all intensely dramatic. I agree with OurBlanche about how you should move forwards.

I'd also flag that she has been friends with the other BF for 15 years. It's not like this is a new friendship and at some stage who introduced who to who really needs to stop mattering.

Deep breath, big smile, have a think about why this matter so much, and let it go.

Feel for you. Sometimes when our confidence is low we rely on other people too much to make us feel better.

Perhaps it might be an idea try to shift the focus back to yourself and try to work on becoming a bit more self reliant. I think it's a warning sign that you are too reliant on her if her actions can make you feel so devastated (though I really do sympathise and understand why you feel so awful).

Maybe you need to cancel for now and give yourself some space until it starts to feel less raw - and it will over time. Be compassionate to yourself - you have been through the mill by the sound of it. xx

I think it's completely understandable that you feel as you do. She's your best friend. You've been through a devastating experience, this is a happy occasion when you could have supported her as it would appear she has supported you. Instead, she's been thoughtless, unkind and underhand - in not telling you first.

Yes, she can have who she likes as her bridesmaid. But in choosing the OBF, in the circumstances detailed, you're entitled to feel the way you do. I think you should be totally honest with her about how you feel. If she can't, or won't, take it, then it sounds like a friendship you can do without.

I wish I could be surprised. I've spent the day with my elderly father who was royally shafted by his BF of over 60 years. The effect on him has been devastating. I'm probably not therefore a very good person to be objective just now. But a so called friend should never cause another person to feel compelled to post the above. I'm so sorry that you've been so badly treated.

It sounds to me like the MOH business is just the final culmination of this massive love-in between bestie and OBF over the last few years. Fair enough that she has decided to have a different line-up at each of her weddings and her explanations are reasonable - and I suspect that you wouldn't mind were it not for bestie, OBF and partners spending so much time together and not asking you along as well. So that's what I'd probably address with bestie, rather than the MOH situation.

phew! lots going on here......maybe talk it through with a professional. I have the feeling not being chief BM is poking at a load of stuff underneath.

Would you feel better if you had been chosen? In what way?

I can quite see how devastating it is for you, and I do sympathise. You're right, there's not a great deal you can do, but if you want to remain close to her it seems like you'll have to tell her sometime how deeply she has upset you. You can do it the way suggested upthread, which is to the point, pulls no punches and will get it over quickly, or you can try to get on tiptoes and make it sensitive which will draw it out and probably make it a bigger 'thing' than it already is.

Personally, I would do it by text, using LesisMis' words, but follow up with a lighthearted "at least I'll be free to actually enjoy your wedding without having to be hampered with the stress of arrangements etc" or something like that. From that pov, she's done you a favour.

I completely feel for you OP, but you need to lay your cards on the table and be honest. Tell her exactly how she's made you feel, yes, it's her day, but the way she told you has knocked you sideways.

This is a horrible situation for you.

It is her wedding so you have to except her decision. It looks like the other best friend has taken your place. Looks like they go out in couples and have become closer.

Personally I think she thinks your illness & past health issues are too much trouble for her. She wants a perfect wedding and that includes not having you who may upstage her - shocking really.

Tomorrow smile, say you understand, have a drink. But to be honest I suspect your relationship will never be the same.

PS don't spend much on the present, get drunk at the wedding and snog the best man/waiter/groomsman (whoever is the better looking) and dance on the tables - your lucky to be alive, so celebrate. You never know you might be MOH at her next wedding (I know I am such a bitch).

"I then get told.....not....to be upset"

I think this is the bit I couldn't come back from. So, she's made a decision knowing it'll upset you. But then tells you how you should feel about it. What she's actually saying is I'm going to upset you, but don't show it or make it my problem.

Of course the original hurt is about the OBF being chosen as the MOH. But it's everything around it that makes it so hurtful for the OP.

A third wedding? hardly exciting enough to buy a new dress for, let alone get in a state about not being MoH.

Thanks for all your advice, and I would say to OurBlanche , whilst your comments say I'm sucking the life out of her wedding, I totally disagree, in fact this happened 3 months ago and I've only just started being moody. I've encouraged her to talk about her wedding, never mentioning my hurt, and in 35 years I've never been jealous or restrictive in our friendship, in fact it's been the other way around.

To those who say she's closer to my OBF than me, once again, I disagree. I know exactly what their friendship is about, how deep, because my OBF has told me, once a week they text!

The reason I'm so bent out of shape is that she's told me that when her boyfriend proposes, did I want to be a bridesmaid again, of course I said yes, then she asks OBF.

Her actions have been great through my treatment and she buys me bestie presents, cards, flowers and I can't fault her. Her actions and words have obviously given me the wrong impression and that's why I'm so devastated. Two days before telling me, I got the most amazing message telling me I'm literally the only person in the world she trusts unconditionally and how I'm the only person in her life that's ever been there for her and kids.

Can you see why I'm so upset?

I'm not going to end my friendship and of course I'm going to the wedding but this is the first time in 35 years I've not been able to tell her what's wrong.

I know I've had my health problems and the reason this has upset me more I guess is because cancer doesn't discriminate who it chooses, this situation has shown that the one person who I thought (and have been told constantly) has my back, has chosen someone else, and that hurts 😓

I wasn't going to vent all of the above to her, I just want her to explain, again, not drunkenly, why she chose OBF, when telling me I was going to be when the wedding planning happened. I of course accept her decision, and will attend everything, but I'm afraid our friendship has changed in the light of this. Hard to back off after 35 years of behaving in a certain way 😕

Ok. I think you need to take a step back and calm down.

My best friend chose another friend be her MoH. I was quite upset, but I never said anything. I did understand because her other friend is totally lovely and lives down the road from her.

If you aren't careful, with one word texts etc you could drain all the joy out of her preparations and this could end up doing irreparable damage to your friendship.

Take care how you handle this.

I suspect she is deeply unconfortable about your health.
She doesn't want to be involved in it and probably also has the worry that you might not be very well for the wedding (as in you are well now but as you have been so poorly in the last two years, then will it last type of thinking)

As others have said, she also has become a 4some with OBF and her DH so in some ways their friendship has taken priority.

The fact she is now texting you with positive messages etc... actually says a lot. She feels guilty and knows that what she did is crap and hurtful to you.
I think it's up to you if you can put it behind you or not. But I would tell her how hurtful it was for you to learn that you aren't a bridesmaid at her wedding.

Honestly, I can understand what you have posted but isn't it more important that she has been a great support to you through your illness than she has chosen OBF for convenience?

You say you don't think she is pulling away from the friendship and has just chosen OBF for reasons you understand so it doesn't sound like she is trying to communicate that she wants to wind down the friendship so what exactly has hurt you so much?

It is just a wedding... not even her first one...

' in fact this happened 3 months ago and I've only just started being moody.' Sorry, do you want an award for this delay of emotional blackmail? Did you plan to wait three months before you brought out the big guns? You sound like you have had the battle of your life OP, you have had your very existence challenged and you won. Don't let this situation that sounds like a glorified soap-opera bring you down, you have fought the ultimate fight. She is an adult, she has made a choice, albeit she has executed it in a massively patronising way towards you. I wonder if you have grown and changed slightly with all you have been through and perhaps you can't tolerate this playground stuff right now. You are bigger than this.

I think you are right to feel the way you do OP. I would be feeling the same way. I would not meet her but go quiet (so as not to effect her big day and you can't be accused of same) then I would cut her loose. She knows what she has done but shows no remorse= not a friend. Bin her off you will feel better having got rid of the fake friend.

I know you can't help feelings and you are clearly feeling really sad and angry about this but I think you need to unpick and understand them a little bit more, try to get your reactions in proportion a bit more because my take on it is the real friend stuff is the being there for you through illness, weddings are usually about very temporary superficial stuff that doesn't matter.

I totally do understand,I have very close girlfriends...but sometimes it's easy to get over involved in each other's lives,where it's necessary to have a little space from each other...also sometimes the friendship means more to one person than another....I've 4 friends who each refer to themselves as snakes best friend...I'm in my 40s I've no need at my age for a best friend...but I don't say anything,I carry on being a good friend..and really I think that's what you should do....smile and carry on being a good friend...the wedding is one day..you and yr friend have had 35 yrs together...don't let one day spoil that x

I genuinely don't think the MOH thing means as much to her as it does you. If the OBF is more a convenient choice for her logistically (for whatever reason, the holiday, childcare, health, whatever!) then it could be just that. Especially with this being her 3rd wedding, the position of MOH isn't really as much of an "honour", and has probably been decided more with her head than her heart.

I don't think a woman who has been a dear friend for 35 years would intentionally upset you. She likely didn't think it would bother you this much.

Planning a wedding is so stressful (as I'm sure you know) and it really is impossible to please everybody. If she had picked you there would probably have been someone else who would be feeling betrayed.

Isn't she having any bridesmaids as well as a maid of honour?

Please don't fall out with her over it. It really isn't that important compared to a long friendship.