he cant say sorry for anything

[Yorkshirelass2016]

Had a bad argument with my partner and now hes left and dont know where he is.

I went to my mums for a day trip ysterday and returned home late last night. I rang my partner before driving home and asked if he wanted me to pick something up for our tea, he said no he would. Got back and found out he had had been out and had food but hadnt got anything for me. I said I would go but he said he would, but he then didnt go for about another hour to pick something up, he returned with a meat dish as a veggie I couldnt eat it. I may have rolled my eyes like he said at the situation as it was now quite late and one of us would have to go out again as he hadnt done any shopping, but thats all, he didnt like me rolling my eyes, even thought I tried to explain I was tired. He then got into an argument with me, saying I was making him feel bad he had tried to do soemthing nice for me. I asked him a few times to stop arguing with me but he wouldnt and kept picking at things. I went upstairs to bed to stop the row without anything to eat, I was upset. Today I woke up angry it felt like he was looking to row with me, I had had a long day and was looking forward to seeig him and as soon as i got home he made me feel rubbish, all I wanted was for him to say sorry to acknowledge my feelings but he wouldnt. He never does, hes so stubborn. He can roll his eyes at me or tell me hes doesnt like this or that. But I cant say anything to him, cant critique him at all, made to feel I have no voice, I have no right to say anything, I cant have an opinion. I know this is a petty argument about a meal, but things like that are important when you have had a long busy week at work. I had been over to see my mum which is 2.5 hrs away and she is elderly so trying to juggle seeing and supporting her with having a relationship and home life. last thng you want to come into is a petty argument, I had asked him if he wanted me to pick something up and he said no he would. But because he had already eaten he made me feel like it was an effort to go out and buy me something. I just dont get it I try to be a good girlfriend to him but I always end up being in the wrong. He smashed up his phone before he left, because I was upset he wouldnt talk to me all I wanted was for him to listen to me and talk to me, but as soon as I went out the room he was chatting to his friends. Felt like his mum, so said why can you talk to them and not me. Anyway he smashed up his phone and now hasnt been back for 6 hours. I feel rubbish that it has led to all this, I didnt want us to argue like this, this isnt the relationship I wanted and dont know how I got here.

We didn't mean to infer there were any such posts, quite the opposite, that we would take a dim view of anyone who did cast doubt on the OP.

As you were....

That's an odd intervention from MNHQ

Yorkshirelass - it sounds harsh, but your DP's problems are not your responsibility to fix. You deserve better than to be threatened, belittled and controlled. Ask him to leave NOW, before things escalate further or you find yourself pregnant. Start by telling your friend about him and getting some RL support

Abused people don't always end up being abusers. In fact, some of us swing totally the other way and end up being people pleasers.

Abusers look for people pleasers - they want someone who will say sorry to them if they push them around.

Abusers always tell the abused person it's their fault, or that no one will believe them, or that what they did never really happened. And often they do - they tell you and others you are 'controlling'. That's because they want to shut you up and control you.

In fact, everything he does is about controlling you as he is unable to have a normal relationship. He wants to know he is in charge to feel safe in a relationship. That's not something you can change. So he will always use various tactics to control you. One is to be verbally abusive - call you names. Another is to hurt you and scare you into submission. Another is to financially abuse you - move into your home and force you to look afterthem. Another is to say they're doing something nice for you but actually they are punishing you (eg the meat meal was not a kind act - he was punishing you for asking him to help you). It's constant low level bullying punctuated by bigger, more obvious aggression. The smashing up of things is his display of his strength, to frighten you.

This is what you should do:
Take back ownership of YOUR house. Change the locks.
Put all his clothes and belongings into black bags.
When he wants it back, put it out the front but stay inside the house.
Tell him you are not suited. Do not enter into further explanation. There is no point - he does not care about your feelings on this. Do not ask him why he is like it. He does not care about your feelings, so won't give you any honest answer. The honest answer would be 'because I want to control you so you do what I want you to do.'
Stay single for as long as you need to until you have a happy, stable life and then think about allowing someone to compliment that life but not to change it one bit. Don't let anyone move in or get their feet under the table by staying over etc. Keep your house as your space.

You have yourself a gaslighter there. dump this loser.

What MrsArthurShappey said ^^.

You cannot fix this man, you won't change him no matter what you do. You can only save yourself from him.

@flissmumsnet you are the only troll hunter on this thread tbf
Literally nobody has publicly doubted the op and your post has shown that people have reported it, which the op wouldn't have known if you hadn't posted
Way to go

Bin him. What a horrible man.

thank you all for your help with this. But I don't want to continue talking about it, unless you have been unlucky enough to be in these situations, you have no idea how difficult it is to handle and talk about it in your real life and difficult to seek help and support because of this. It's hard to open up about things that are difficult to handle. I haven't had it easy but believe me I try to do the best I can in life and don't wear it as an arm band. I've been lucky enough to make some sort of life for myself (some don't and I'm grateful for that). But I find it hard to talk about things like this, my way of coping has always been to get on with it and make best of things, because you worry what people will think. I feel a bit paranoid even on here now that I can't talk freely about it without being judged whether or not this is all true. You have never walked in my shoes like I have ever walked in yours you have no idea. I will be okay thanks again to everyone for trying to help me I do appreciate it.

OP - please ignore the inference that some have reported this post and please keep talking to us. Many of us here have been through similar ( myself included - a string of abusive controlling men)

We're worried here because we are talking from experience and from a position of having got out and gone in courses like the Freedom Programme and we can see the massive red flags that are indicating he is going to seriously hurt you.

You are in such a position of powers here - use that power.

OP, many people here have been in your shoes. We know. They can really mess you up, those guys - I was actually convinced that I was in a blissfully happy relationship, only thing was that I always managed to do something wrong that spoiled his mood. But when he was in a good mood, it was just amazing. I would have laughed if someone suggested he's abusive and I should leave.

I never told any of my friends.

Only after it had ended I realise what a scared little shadow of myself I had become.

Katharina's experience was very similar to mine. I could have written her post.

Once your eyes start to open its like BOOM - it hits you like the proverbial ton of bricks. And there is no going back from that.