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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Relationships

he cant say sorry for anything

87 replies

Yorkshirelass2016 · 29/01/2017 18:44

Had a bad argument with my partner and now hes left and dont know where he is.

I went to my mums for a day trip ysterday and returned home late last night. I rang my partner before driving home and asked if he wanted me to pick something up for our tea, he said no he would. Got back and found out he had had been out and had food but hadnt got anything for me. I said I would go but he said he would, but he then didnt go for about another hour to pick something up, he returned with a meat dish as a veggie I couldnt eat it. I may have rolled my eyes like he said at the situation as it was now quite late and one of us would have to go out again as he hadnt done any shopping, but thats all, he didnt like me rolling my eyes, even thought I tried to explain I was tired. He then got into an argument with me, saying I was making him feel bad he had tried to do soemthing nice for me. I asked him a few times to stop arguing with me but he wouldnt and kept picking at things. I went upstairs to bed to stop the row without anything to eat, I was upset. Today I woke up angry it felt like he was looking to row with me, I had had a long day and was looking forward to seeig him and as soon as i got home he made me feel rubbish, all I wanted was for him to say sorry to acknowledge my feelings but he wouldnt. He never does, hes so stubborn. He can roll his eyes at me or tell me hes doesnt like this or that. But I cant say anything to him, cant critique him at all, made to feel I have no voice, I have no right to say anything, I cant have an opinion. I know this is a petty argument about a meal, but things like that are important when you have had a long busy week at work. I had been over to see my mum which is 2.5 hrs away and she is elderly so trying to juggle seeing and supporting her with having a relationship and home life. last thng you want to come into is a petty argument, I had asked him if he wanted me to pick something up and he said no he would. But because he had already eaten he made me feel like it was an effort to go out and buy me something. I just dont get it I try to be a good girlfriend to him but I always end up being in the wrong. He smashed up his phone before he left, because I was upset he wouldnt talk to me all I wanted was for him to listen to me and talk to me, but as soon as I went out the room he was chatting to his friends. Felt like his mum, so said why can you talk to them and not me. Anyway he smashed up his phone and now hasnt been back for 6 hours. I feel rubbish that it has led to all this, I didnt want us to argue like this, this isnt the relationship I wanted and dont know how I got here.

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Thattimeofyearagain · 30/01/2017 12:26

Fucking hell op, this man is a cunt. Get rid NOW.

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PollytheDolly · 30/01/2017 12:27

Tough shit if he's got nowhere to go. Stop overthinking all this and trying to justify things. There is no justification. You need to get him out, asap. Flowers

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HecateAntaia · 30/01/2017 12:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Yorkshirelass2016 · 30/01/2017 12:30

I feel so full of guilt because I know he has no where to go and I honestly don't want to seem him loose everything over all this. He's already talking about giving up his job. His dad was abusive to his mum and she left him in the end. His dad became a recluse and then disappeared he re-appeared somewhere else in a hospital miles and miles away and sadly died before my partner saw him. My partner then had a string of abusive step fathers bringing him up (she was married a number of times) so his life has not been easy and he has still managed to make something of himself. I think we both carry with us this wreckage of our childhoods and unfortunately in a relationship argument he has no way of controlling his temper and it escalates quickly. He doesn't talk about his childhood very much at all, the only things I know are mainly from his mum telling me stories of him walking in on his mum getting hit by some bloke as a kid and him diving in to help her. He had to survive alone. I don't think either of us know what abnormal argument or quarrel should look like or how to be in a relationship. X

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Yorkshirelass2016 · 30/01/2017 12:32

I know. I think that is all that can happen we can't carry on as we are. I just have to be brace enough to go through with it. Thank you

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BeMorePanda · 30/01/2017 12:37

there are red flags waving all around you. Don't waste any more of you life ignoring them.

Why don't you take responsibility for yourself and leave him to take responsibility for himself - he is a grown adult after all.

His actions are telling you very clearly that he does not love you and he does not respect or care for you.

Be careful as he may ramp up his behavior now once he detects a change in you.

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BeMorePanda · 30/01/2017 12:38

it's your house! If you feel afraid, change the locks and don't let him in again.

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HebeJeeby · 30/01/2017 12:40

Hello, I don't often post but you seem so sad and I want to echo what everyone else has said and I think you know deep down yourself. You need to end the relationship for your own safety. I do understand your need to have 'someone' but he's such a negative force in your life that you will never find someone who will treat you with respect if you stay with him. Things are getting worse not better, during the course of your thread he has gone from smashing up your phone to pushing you in the face. What will he do tomorrow?

Please tell your friend and think about how you cen become strong enough to end things with him. Would counselling help you to address some of your feelings of being alone etc...?

Oh, and don't worry about him having nowhere to go, that's his problem, as if he had chosen to behave like a caring partner he wouldn't be a risk of you throwing him out - his needs do not trump your need to be safe and treated with respect. I'm a big believer in cause and consequence - he caused this by his behaviour now he has to accept the consequences (possible homelessness).

Please look after yourself and don't let him treat you like this, you are worth so much more.

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Hullygully · 30/01/2017 12:42

Your pity for him and understanding of his past and how it affects him are why you stay, but it is damaging for both of you. Your pasts and learned behaviours are playing into each other and you are damaging each other. He needs to "fix" himself, you can't do it and meanwhile you are being destroyed piece by piece.

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Gallavich · 30/01/2017 12:45

There's always a sad childhood story. I don't mean that sarcastically, there is. But it doesn't matter. A sad childhood isn't a reason or an excuse to abuse your partner and that's what he's doing. He's a horrible, twisted man and you need to get away.

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BantyCustards · 30/01/2017 12:49

He pushed you in the face?

Lovely, please believe me when I say that this is escalating rapidly.

Call a locksmith and arrange for them to come over tomorrow after he's gone to work. Wait until he's gone to work, pack up his stuff, get the locks changed. Leave his stuff in the doorstep. Call the police, report his abuse, let them know what you have done and tell them you are afraid of what he may do when he returns to find what you've done.

Can you stay at your friend's house tonight?

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Zaphodsotherhead · 30/01/2017 12:50

He can afford a Premier Inn, surely?

Yes, sad background, a lot of us have those, but we don't all go on to be utter cunts to people who just want to love us. And be careful of him saying he will move out but he still wants to 'be together'. That means he wants to reserve the right to come round, bang on your door, get fed, stop you meeting anyone else (anyone better), and still behave like a bastard.

Cut all ties. Get a dog. That will adore you unconditionally and get you out into the fresh air. It will also break things, but hey, at least it will be sorry about it!

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tobedo · 30/01/2017 13:13

He will hit you soon, if he hasn't already.

There is a happier life waiting for you elsewhere, choose that one.

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honeyroar · 30/01/2017 13:15

He's an adult with a good job. He can find somewhere else to stay or rent. He would be alright. He finds somewhere to go when he flounces off, doesn't he! It's not your problem. Your problem is trying to get yourself safe and back on your own feet.

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 30/01/2017 13:28

"I feel so full of guilt because I know he has no where to go and I honestly don't want to seem him loose everything over all this"

Where he goes is not your problem. It really is not. He is responsible for his own actions.

He saw violence within the home and has become controlling and violent himself. Such men like this hate women, all of them.

Not all people who had abusive childhoods go on to repeat the abusive behaviours they themselves saw. You also saw your own parents terrible relationship with threats and violence; what you learnt from seeing them has led you into being with this individual now. He is doing to you what your dad did to your mother. You are a match made in hell.

You are not responsible for him; the above thought of yours to me is indicative of co-dependency. You keep on putting his needs above yours whilst he clearly cares not a jot for you.

You need to deal with your co-dependency via counselling along with enrolling on Womens Aid Freedom Programme. Your last relationship was also awful and this is not surprising really when you state that you do not know what a normal relationship actually is. All this now has to be properly addressed by you if you do want an emotionally healthy relationship going forward.

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 30/01/2017 13:29

And what Hullygully wrote earlier as well.

He will destroy you utterly if you stay with him.

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MrsArthurShappey · 30/01/2017 13:30

His dad became a recluse and then disappeared he re-appeared somewhere else in a hospital miles and miles away and sadly died before my partner saw him

Boo fucking Hoo!

so his life has not been easy and he has still managed to make something of himself

Yes, he's managed to make himself an abusive bully - good for him!

You have ALL THE POWER here - you can kick him out and change the locks. You can report him to the police for his abuse. YOU CAN BE HAPPY!! You deserve to be happy, please believe that. You owe him absolutely nothing. Nothing. And you don't need his permission to end the relationship. You don't need to enter into negotiations. You are not happy, and it sounds like he isn't either. All he does is tell you how awful you are. Why would he want to be with you? Because he feels like he can bully you and feel like a big man.

No doubt he is incredibly fucked up by his childhood. It sounds like you are too. But you know what, you have a big enough job getting over YOUR issues of self-worth, you don't need to fix his too. That is not your responsibility.

Big unMumsnetty hugs to you {{{{{{{xxx}}}}}}}

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KatharinaRosalie · 30/01/2017 13:33

It's really not your problem where he stays. Does he care? If he did, he would be nice to you.

You are saying you like the security. But think about it - when you're at work, and think about going home, what are your thoughts? Are you thinking that you can't wait to see your loving partner, can't wait to spend a nice, relaxing evening with a person who makes you feel treasured and loved? Safe?

Or are you rather worrying about in what mood he is again. What have you done 'wrong' this time? What else has upset him? Will you have a nice evening for a change, oh the relief, or will you spend it walking on eggshells.

Can you call Women's Aid? It does not mean you have to do anything straight away, but they can be very helpful if you just want to talk things through.

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Bluntness100 · 30/01/2017 13:35

Yes, you do need to go through with it, I'm sorry but you do. Your life will be so much better once you have, you will be able to relax, no one will be insulting you, hurting you, abusing you, you won't be walking on eggshells, and you'll be able to start to rebuild your confidence and uour self worth.

Text him if you have to but tell him you agree, he needs to move out that it's over. And then do not engage in his negotiating. Just do it. Now.

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Yorkshirelass2016 · 30/01/2017 14:00

Okay thank you. I know your right he has said he will move out for a bit.

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Bluntness100 · 30/01/2017 14:04

Not for a bit sweetie, for good, he needs to move out for good.

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FlissMumsnet · 30/01/2017 14:23

Excuse us barging in but we wanted to let you all know we're taking a look at this thread and will be deleting any posts reported to us which break our TGs.

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Gallavich · 30/01/2017 14:27

What do you mean @flissmumsnet? There are no PAs and no troll hunting. What a bizarre post! All you have done is cast doubt on the op which is kind of like...troll hunting?

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HecateAntaia · 30/01/2017 14:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Yorkshirelass2016 · 30/01/2017 14:39

Sorry what have I said that's wrong ? I just needed some advice. It has been hard to talk about things and at moment I feel very down and alone.

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