he cant say sorry for anything

[Yorkshirelass2016]

Had a bad argument with my partner and now hes left and dont know where he is.

I went to my mums for a day trip ysterday and returned home late last night. I rang my partner before driving home and asked if he wanted me to pick something up for our tea, he said no he would. Got back and found out he had had been out and had food but hadnt got anything for me. I said I would go but he said he would, but he then didnt go for about another hour to pick something up, he returned with a meat dish as a veggie I couldnt eat it. I may have rolled my eyes like he said at the situation as it was now quite late and one of us would have to go out again as he hadnt done any shopping, but thats all, he didnt like me rolling my eyes, even thought I tried to explain I was tired. He then got into an argument with me, saying I was making him feel bad he had tried to do soemthing nice for me. I asked him a few times to stop arguing with me but he wouldnt and kept picking at things. I went upstairs to bed to stop the row without anything to eat, I was upset. Today I woke up angry it felt like he was looking to row with me, I had had a long day and was looking forward to seeig him and as soon as i got home he made me feel rubbish, all I wanted was for him to say sorry to acknowledge my feelings but he wouldnt. He never does, hes so stubborn. He can roll his eyes at me or tell me hes doesnt like this or that. But I cant say anything to him, cant critique him at all, made to feel I have no voice, I have no right to say anything, I cant have an opinion. I know this is a petty argument about a meal, but things like that are important when you have had a long busy week at work. I had been over to see my mum which is 2.5 hrs away and she is elderly so trying to juggle seeing and supporting her with having a relationship and home life. last thng you want to come into is a petty argument, I had asked him if he wanted me to pick something up and he said no he would. But because he had already eaten he made me feel like it was an effort to go out and buy me something. I just dont get it I try to be a good girlfriend to him but I always end up being in the wrong. He smashed up his phone before he left, because I was upset he wouldnt talk to me all I wanted was for him to listen to me and talk to me, but as soon as I went out the room he was chatting to his friends. Felt like his mum, so said why can you talk to them and not me. Anyway he smashed up his phone and now hasnt been back for 6 hours. I feel rubbish that it has led to all this, I didnt want us to argue like this, this isnt the relationship I wanted and dont know how I got here.

[CupOfTeaAndAbiscuitPlease]

OP - it's draining reading this let alone actually living this. This relationship is not normal and nothing you do will make it so.

If you can continue like this then stay but if not then end the relationship as it will not change.

There are many similar threads on here that you can read and gain clarity from.

I hope for your sake you end this but only you can decide what you want your life to be.

If you choose him, then that's fine but what you have posted about will become the norm and you have to accept that. If you don't want that then end the relationship.

[PollytheDolly]

Get rid of this fucknugget for your own sanity. Emotional abuse. He's a nasty piece of work isn't he.

The meat dish (amongst all the other stuff) is so so cruel.

Take control of your life OP, there's so so much better out there

[Ineedmorelemonpledge]

Smashing up his phone, refusing to apologise and then stonewalling you are all forms of control.

Making my you feel bad for his bad behaviour is a form of control.

You specifically told him you could pick up food and he clearly told you he'd deal with it. Then he fucks up and its all your fault?

Perhaps he feels insecure because it's your house. But that's his problem to address and not yours.

He sounds like a complete manchild.

I'd be shouting up to him that it would be a rash idea to resign, as he'll need a regular income to fund his own place. Suggest he packs all his belongings while he's dramatically opening all the drawers, it'll save him time.

Get him the hell out.

Take in a lodger or a housemate, they'll treat you and your place better.

[Bluntness100]

WTAF. Honestly, you'll have more confidence without this absuve twat. His abuse is what's making you lack confidence .

Whys he going to give up his job? That makes no sense.

And to agree to buy food, then just eat himself, then go and buy a veggie a meat dish is beyond bizzare as well. Then to smash up his phone.

It's such terrible out of control. Weird, bullying, abusice, total nut job behaviour, honestly. Get him gone, your life will be so much better without this drama and abuse.

[Nellyphants]

Please be careful too. He's already shown violent tendancies by smashing his phone. I think I'd pack up his stuff while he's at work & change the locks.

There is no reasoning with this man, you'll never find the answer to why he is the way he is. You'll drive yourself mad trying

[AhYerWill]

Every behaviour you've described is stuff my abusive ex used to do. I put up with it cos I loved him. It got worse though and 8 years in he was physically attacking me. I left because he was pushing for us to have kids and I realised he'd scare them too and they'd grow up feeling stressed and on edge all the time. I decide I'd rather be alone than choose a horrible father for my kids.

You can leave this relationship, but if you have kids with him, they'll never be able to have a kind and loving dad. I didn't think I deserved to be treated better, but I sure as hell knew my (future) kids did.

[Zaphodsotherhead]

He wants to hurt you. You know that, don't you? He WANTS you to feel sad, upset, confused, unable to function. That is why is behaviour is so so crazy, even HE doesn't know what he's going to do next. As long as it makes you react, destabilises you. It's a game, it's about control. If he gives up his job, you will have to support him financially, and he can sit at home and criticise your every move - that's his end game. And then he'll be screwing around while you're at work, but you'll be 'mad' for even suggesting he might..I dunno, do a load of laundry or something.

That is your future if you stay with him. Please don't. Life alone, even at its worst, will be better than that.

[Cricrichan]

He's giving up his job because you weren't grateful that he got you a meat dish?

Luckily, it's an easy decision for you. You've no kids, it's your house and he's a horrible and pathetic bully. Kick him out today. Especially if he's giving up his job he'll guilt you into keeping him housed. You owe him nothing.

[ElspethFlashman]

So basically you prefer to be abused from a height than being single?

Then that is your choice. But I would urge you to reconsider it.

This is never ever ever going to get any better.

[happymumof4crazykids]

He's a knob! You live together have been together for a while and he goes out and buys you a meat dish knowing full well you are a vegetarian. He then gets upset because you rolled your eyes and refuses to speak to you. Causes a big argument and smashes up his phone! I have never said this on here before but you need to LTB.

[ReySkywalker]

Do you think that if you explain correctly and he understands how upset you are that he'll change or get it?
He knows you're upset because that was his aim. He got you the meat dish to upset you, then mess with your head. He prefers you sad and on the back foot.
If you can't find it in yourself to throw him out yet at least don't apologise.
Ignore the tantrum and attention seeking.
Don't get in a discussion, if he keeps going on about it, just repeat 'ok, it's your choice, whatever you want' in a bored tone of voice

[Dancingtothemusicoftime]

OP, please, please read the link posted earlier by KatarinaRosalie
//www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html

A perfect description of your partner and his behaviours. Please don"t waste a single minute more of your precious life trying to appease this knob - he'll never be the man, or the partner, you want him to be. Just get him out and find you again

[Yorkshirelass2016]

He tells me what he will tell people about me, but I don't know what to do I just touched him (literally I promise touched him on the arm) I was looking for some contact from him to say everything was okay. But he pushed me in the face with his hand and told me not to touch him. I have a responsible job, but I don't feel confident in myself, don't feel happy. He just came in and started calling me names and insulting me, saying what happened in a different way so it was all my fault and not his. He just gave me a barrage of insults and told me how awful I was. I can't remember any of it properly anymore what started it all, maybe it was all my fault I should have just eaten the stupid meal like he said. I'm just ungrateful. I just think I stay with him because he gives me security like someone to come home to. But then he makes me feel like this and how shit Iam as a person and I'm not strong enough to stand up to him and I should be. I don't have a way out. Sometimes he can be really nice and caring but then he can turn into this. When we go out with my friends or even his family he won't talk to them he won't speak to anyone. It can be awkward sometimes only person he will talk to is me. He's just really quiet I think but he's really controlling. Really I'm asking for it, Is it really his fault then ? Im just pathetic and can't get out of this trap I'm in. I'm going to my friends house tonight actually, been thinking all day whether or not to tell her. She just wants to have a few glasses of prosecco and something to eat does she really want to hear all this. What will she think of me putting up with it all this time ? But I had a lot going on when I met him and just came out of another failed relationship I didn't see who he was at the time I didn't see this side of him.

[broodybrooder]

Yes please tell her OP! If he won't speak to your friends, chances are she's clocked he's a nasty weirdo anyway!

He pushed your face away? This bloke is getting scary. Please don't question it being his fault, focus on getting away safely. Your friend will absolutely want to hear about it. Wouldn't you?

[tobedo]

He treats you like dirt. You know what you have to do.

Get the ball rolling by telling your friend, she would want you to tell her.

[petalsandstars]

Tell your friend- he is highly likely the reason you have no confidence. He's physically and emotionally abusive - kick him out while your in a strong position- you are it's your house and no kids to tie you together.

Could you imagine your kids witnessing this and learning this is how to behave? Don't let it happen!

[Hullygully]

He's a total cunt.

Get rid.

[Cakingbad]

Please tell your friend.

She probably won't be surprised.

She can help you tell him to leave.

He smashed his phone, he pushed your face. He is a violent, aggressive man. He is going to get worse. You will be much happier when he is gone.

[Hullygully]

And TELL YOUR FRIEND. Get it out there, make it real, get support.

[PollytheDolly]

But he pushed me in the face with his hand and told me not to touch him


The End.

Make it so.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

YorkshireLass

What did you learn about relationships when growing up?.

What do you get out of this still, something still keeps you with this person so what is it?. Your fear of being alone?. If you want something to come home to then I would get a goldfish; it would be better company for you than this abusive individual who amongst other things gave you a meat dish, deliberately I might add.

Your parents taught you a lot of damaging stuff about relationships which you have simply now gone onto replicate in your daily life now with this individual. The cycle of abuse here is all too apparent; this bloke targeted you and deliberately so because he has seen something in you he can and has indeed exploited. He is destroying you from the inside out.

You are right in one important respect; you really do not know what a normal (i.e. emotionally healthy) relationship is and that is because no-one ever bothered to show you what that is like. its certainly not with this individual you are currently shackled to.

You say that you're afraid of being on your own; you're pretty much alone now within this. What you are describing here is abuse from him; this is like death from 1000 cuts.

Where do you see yourself in say six months time; still with this person?. He is dragging you down with him into his pit.

Please call Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247. They can and will help you here. All is not lost; you have posted here so on some level you know this is wrong. If you remain with him your hopes of having a nice life with him at all will be in vain.

[Zaphodsotherhead]

He says he will tell people about you? What will he tell them, exactly? And, more importantly - why the hell should you care what some pathetic bloke who can only keep a woman by bullying her into submission, says?

Please, please, walk away. It really isn't you. It is him.

[honeyroar]

If you tell your friend, and other friends and family I think you'd find that they probably already know and will be happy to help you. If he ignores them when you're out they probably don't think much of him.

And every time he shouts at you or does something abusive repeat to yourself in your head "I don't deserve this. I am worth much more than this" until you are confident enough to say it to him.

[Yorkshirelass2016]

He's says he will tell them I'm making it up about him hurting me. He said they won't believe me and they will believe him. But to be honest I wasn't planning on telling loads of people we know anyway. I'm ashamed as a woman I have stayed with him all this time and put up with it, i don't plan on advertising it anyway. I'm working from home today, I couldn't face work in case someone picked up something was wrong haven't slept very well for past couple of nights. He is going to work later so tried to talk to him this morning and tell him how his actions made me felt. he started saying I was 'playing the victim' and that it's both our faults not just his. He does pick fights with me over nothing and then turn the tables on me. Nothing is ever good enough, he corrects things I say and when we are out he's always pointing out something on my clothes, that would be nice if someone did that every so often but he does it all the time, every time we go out or go anywhere even in front of people. In a conversation in front of people he always belittles me or makes me feel like I'm too loud or too this or too that. but in a way he's right it is my fault because I stay with him.. he does all these things and I still stay. To answer your question I think I stay, because my mum was always busy with my dad arguing or rushing around for him. He was a dominant figure in the house and pretty cruel to my mum I moved out as a teenager. I just think because he's giving me attention it's like making up for all that. But it isn't really everything I thought I didn't want growing up unknowingly I have fallen into. I don't know how I got here I was so confident before when I look back it's like looking back at another person though all that has gone and my inner confidence has been taken away. I just want to wake up and it's over. I tried to tell him all this this morning he started trying to argue again but he has said maybe we need a break and he will move out for a while today but that he still wants to be together. I don't know what to do he has no where to go. His family history himself is very unhappy and that's partly probably why we stay together to have each other. I feel so bad that all this has happened.

[Cricrichan]

Tell your friend and then kick him out. You don't need to discuss anything with him or convince him. You have no ties to him so don't waste anymore of your time with him. Like you said he's allowed to show displeasure but if you even hint that you're not estatic at him not thinking about you then you get in trouble. Also he DELIBERATELY bought you a meat dish so he could start an argument. Even if youdo everything you think he wants and how he wants it, he will always find a way to trip you up. He quit his job because you weren't jumping for joy at getting a meat dish. You won't be allowed to show your emotions and he'll ground you down even more.

Kick him out now. Get your friend to come and support you, don't do it alone . My guess he's a cowardly twat and will be Meeker if you've got someone with you.