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Original poster

End of an affair

102 replies

Userr123 · 29/01/2017 18:43

Hi,
I am a happily married mom of 2, have been with H for 10 years.
6 months ago I started an affair with a work colleague, the connection between us has been incredible, we talk for hours each day, and have met up 4 times for sex, which has been amazing. I feel he could be my soul mate.
2 months into the affair I discovered his wife was pregnant, he already has a 1 year old. I was shocked, but we both agreed to stay together but would end it before his son was due in Feb.
Well that's now come, and we've put an end to it.
I am literally devastated.
He still wants to speak like before (on our commutes into work), but no more physical contact. But I know it will be too hard as I still want so much more.
I know it will be difficult as we do work together, however, not too closely.
Do I need to break off all contact?

OP posts:
TheNaze73 · 29/01/2017 23:00

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AddToBasket · 29/01/2017 23:04

OP, I hope you are alright. People have their own reasons for lashing out on threads like this.

Clearly, you are in a pickle and could use somewhere to sort your thoughts out and get support to get through it. Bit of a shame MN isn't the place for that.

twattymctwatterson · 29/01/2017 23:07
Biscuit
Ohyesiam · 29/01/2017 23:17

Forbidden fruit always tastes sooooooo sweet. It's hard to get perspective when you are obsessed, but cold Turkey is the only way.
No judgement here, we make real messes at times, but for your Own sanity, cut contact and put energy into your own marriage.

RubyBluesey · 29/01/2017 23:21

I don't get why you would do this if you are really a 'happily married mom of 2'?

Beelzebop · 30/01/2017 00:10

OP, morals aside, I really think that of you carry this on one day you will be the pregnant one and a vacancy will be created. End it now for everyone's sake.

scottishdiem · 30/01/2017 00:15

I am usually quite tolerant of the differences in how people approach sex, intimacy and relationships and the various solutions people use to deal with them and their problems. However, I am a little [hmmm] at you OP.

You do not appear to have given your husband one jot of thought. You dont seem to care or feel guilty. If this is the case, your marriage is probably over even if you dont realise it.

You do not appear to have understood some of the motivations of the man you were having an affair with. Certainly for the pregnancy, you were used by him as a non-pregnant sex partner. If he can give you up the moment the baby came, he could have given you up at any point. He had different feelings than you about the relationship.

You do not appear to understand the impact that this could have on other people. The mother and new baby if things were found out, for example. What about the impact on your own children.

You really need to stop seeing this man, speaking to this man etc. Its up to you about how you feel about your marriage but your lies now and lies in the years and decades ahead will be hard to bare. You will appear sad and a bit lonely to your husband - what are you going to say if he asks why? What if your kids do the same?

You have been selfish and now is the time to stop.

Christmasmice · 30/01/2017 01:14

Everything about how affairs work make them feel exhilarating and special. It's not this man, it's the situation. Once you realise that you can cut off from the feelings a little.

His poor wife, watching her bump grow, feeling excited and happy and secure. Her husband has shit all over her really and she's oblivious

janaus · 30/01/2017 02:51

Your husband deserves better.

Kateallison16 · 30/01/2017 04:04

There is no point listing all the things about this that are wrong.

There is no point explaining to you how unfair you are to your DH, or how the decent thing would be to let him find a better woman.

So let's just skip to the part you care about-

This om has not chosen you over his wife. He doesn't want you.
Rightly or wrongly he has chosen to use the new baby as a fresh start for him and his wife. He wants them.
You were a distraction for a little while. That's over now.
hangin around hoping he will notice you will not result in "so much more"
He doesn't want you. You were just somebody he used to flirt with, use as a ti on and pound now and again.

Grab your last shreds of gnity off the floor. Pull your knickers up and walk away - he already has.

Chops2016 · 30/01/2017 08:57

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AddToBasket · 30/01/2017 10:50

I've reported this thread.

Oh the irony of taking the time to tell someone looking for help that they are 'vile'. Take your own hurt and anger out elsewhere.

Original poster
Userr123 · 30/01/2017 11:01

There's no need AddToBasket, but I appreciate your compassion.
I know what I have done is wrong, I appreciate the people taking their time to give me a stern word, and all my common sense has been lost somehow.
Thanks

OP posts:
AddToBasket · 30/01/2017 11:04

Ok Smile
Glad you are feeling strong enough. Lots of people in your situation might not do.

I hate it when threads get like that because it might put people off posting and getting useful support if they think they'll get bile.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 30/01/2017 11:06

Oh the irony of taking the time to tell someone looking for help

Many would reserve their 'help' for the innocent parties ie her DH and her shag buddies pregnant DW tbf.

AddToBasket · 30/01/2017 11:09

There is a difference between 'reserving help' and taking time to come onto a thread to give the poster a kicking, though, isn't there?

Catherinebee85 · 30/01/2017 11:19

I'm pregnant and granted I feel ill most of the time anyway but the thought of my DP having sex with another woman up until the point I give birth makes me feel sick. Why not just carry on. Like you're doing her a favour by giving her husband back in time for the birth.

You need to fix things with your husband or leave him. The OM doesn't want to be with you. He's had unprotected sex with his wife whilst having sex with you too. He's voted with his feet. You can't have it all x

HelenaGWells · 30/01/2017 11:36

I am a happily married mom of 2, have been with H for 10 years.

I've NEVER met anyone who is happily married AND shagging around. The two are mutually exclusive in my book.

Try and remove yourself from the situation and think about what you would say if you best friend said this to you. Would you tell her she's being ridiculous and selfish? You are happily shagging away but whilst you do so you are basically devastating two families, your own and his.

Either leave your husband or get your big girl pants on, admit you made a mistake and throw everything you have into your marriage. Having an affair NEVER solves a problem and there is NEVER room for "an extra" in a marriage.

Man the fuck up and sort your life out. You can do this but you have to want to. Hanging around waiting for him to cheat on his wife again so you can cheat on your husband is NOT a sensible option.

Chops2016 · 30/01/2017 11:52

Oh the irony of taking the time to tell someone looking for help that they are 'vile'. Take your own hurt and anger out elsewhere.

Had the op showed a shred of remorse or any intention do to the right thing from now on she would not have had the "kicking" she has received in this thread.

The op needs to realise how selfish her decisions have been and how they affect other people. Of she wakes up to this reality it would be "helpful" for her. Many posters, myself included, didn't sugar coat their attempt to convey this. No anger, no hurt, just disgust.

SarcasmMode · 30/01/2017 12:02

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MovingForwardSlowly · 30/01/2017 12:07

Some harsh replies. Look you must know the fall out from this will be massive. I say will because you probably will get caught out. There will massive hurt all round and you may well loose both men.
If you are prepared to risk it then kept contact going. Its a tough call. We all human.

Adora10 · 30/01/2017 12:18

Happily married - oh the irony.

OP, what you are doing is the scummiest thing possible; you've now refrained from shagging him because his gf is pregnant, no more likely he's backed off from you.

What advice do you want, there's two choices here:

  1. Carry on being a complete disgrace
  2. Find your moral backbone/conscience and stop being complicit in the betrayal of two innocent people

I think he'll be in touch and things will carry on just as they have been, sneaking about, having secret shags then you going home to your happily married life - but you will both I hope to god pay for your behaviour, at your age you surely know the difference between right or wrong; it's choice you are making so you better live with the consequences.

You actually make me feel a little sick coming on here looking for actual sympathy.

thisisrealrose · 30/01/2017 13:02

Hope you are ok OP, there have been a lot of judgemental people on this thread and let's hope they are back in their ivory towers now in their 'perfect worlds'. But this isn't about them this is you asking for help so let's give it.

We're not in a position to judge what other mans wife has been like he is clearly not happy hence affair. Let's stop looking through rose tinted glasses.

These things happen you've met someone you have chemistry with maybe in love you have a great connection but not right time or place. You've done the right thing in ceasing physical as obviously there are small children involved.

You say you are happily married, can you see a way through so getting on track and fully investing in your marriage. Do you have a deep love and can imagine being together forever without ever doing this again? if not perhaps deep down you want more and to be happy you should really think about this. If he is a good man there could be a future if the marriage can give you everything you need. If not it's not fair on your DH or you to live a life like that.

The question about ceasing contact, it will be difficult as you have strong feelings and I guess you will feel an urge to see him and be with him. But I think it would be better mentally for you both if you did. If you love him you will let him go, it will be too messy otherwise. See this as an opportunity to understand what you need and try to let him go and do the right thing.

I do understand this must be difficult and hard emotionally for you and it will be difficult at first but give yourself some space and time, let him go do what he needs to do and you have a think about what's missing and what you really need and want.

Also to clarify I have not or been on the receiving end of an affair but can see how these attractions happen sometimes we're all human!

Good luck op.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 30/01/2017 13:19

there have been a lot of judgemental people on this thread and let's hope they are back in their ivory towers now in their 'perfect worlds

Oh that line that gets trotted out.

I don't live in an ivory tower, nor do I live in a perfect world.

I wouldn't however state I was 'happily married' then shag someone else.

Adora10 · 30/01/2017 13:20

there have been a lot of judgemental people on this thread and let's hope they are back in their ivory towers now in their 'perfect worlds'.

Keep your own judgmental views to yourself then too; we are entitled to give an opinion, if you think this is normal behaviour then you are just as bad.

I'm telling the OP exactly what I would tell any other female, and yes even a friend, what else do you want us to say, a lie?