Wife just isn't going to work... Please help.

[freezerspol]

Hi, my wife works in a supermarket as a team leader, her pay isn't great. I also have a similar job (working in a restaurant) we are both full-time as we really need the money. Our daughter is 4. She is in Reception.

My wife has been fine lately, no other issues, apart from constantly being off work with 'sickness'. She openly admits that it's because she doesn't feel up to it. The thing is, I do sympathise, but this is for our daughter. I have tried speaking to her and have told her that if there are any problems, we will work through it (even if that means her going part-time) I would try my best to pick up some overtime at the weekend. We only live in a 2 bed flat, so can't downsize.

She thinks I'm being unfair! As her 'offer' is she will do all the housework and other household chores (we currently split these) but the thing is, that's not costing us any money to do that, so we literally would just be losing the whole of her income.

Like I say, going part time would be fine, I'll do my best to work weekends too, but not to just stop all together. At this rate, she will lose her job. Constantly taking 2 weeks off at a time without a sick note and so she gets a disciplinary.

Any advice?

Plus generally it easier to resolve conflicts by actually listening to and taking the other person seriously. People who feel they have actually been listened to are usually much more amenable to compromise or backing down too.

I agree. That's why I think you, OP, should try and get to the bottom of the issue with her job. But she will need to open up to you and recognise if she has a problem, whatever it is.

It's not normal to just want to stay at home. So, she is either taking the piss, or she has issues that should be addressed.

I doubt if a couple with one school age child would be better off or the same if one gave up work Gilly

I don't think money just now is the only consideration though really.

If leaving a low income retail job to be a SAHP that has impacts on the now as well as the future.

Perfectly fine for the OP to be unhappy being the only wage earner even if they would be better off (though with one dc possibly not), perfectly fine for him to be concerned about the impact on her future earning capacity and the missed out career progression for example or for him to not want to have a traditional household with male wage earner/female dependent/skivvy.

So it doesn't all come down to money necessarily. If he goes in with the money 'how are you going to fund it?!' argument it will become all about that but there are a lot of things to consider and really although either of them might prefer (or think they do) to be a SAHP you can't just hold your partner to ransom over it, it has to be a joint decision both are happy with and have considered fully.

Especially because you just cannot walk into jobs nowadays.

MrsDV

Every situation is different though, we were much better of with me not working for many years, irrespective of whether we had one, two, or three dc at the time.

it does have to be a joint decision though, so the other doesn't become resentful.
I disagree it's not normal to want to be a sahm, we are all different.
I couldn't have worked when ours were little, it just wasn't on my horizon at all.
Luckily I had a dh who was happy for us to do this and it worked out fine for us.

If your incomes has reduced check if you are entitled to more tax credits and housing benefit - you can phone them with a change in circumstances. You may also get some working tax credit. Play about with amount of hours and income on the directgov or tunrn2us calculators to see the relative effect of cutting back on hours. Could your wife do a college admin course and go into admin work. Lots of reception positions pay as much as retail and value the customer facing skills and experience your wife will have but would be less physically gruelling.

Could one of you look to retrain to boost your long term income? Student finance loans are available for access and uni courses and you can still get child tax credits etc as the loan/grants are not seen as"income" for that purpose.

Could she be suffering with morning sickness?

less physically gruelling come on. Shes hardly breaking rocks in the hot sun.

This poor guy is try all ways to be reasonable. Helps round the house, has offered her part time and offered to up her hours. She needs to ADULT. I think it may be only 10% of the population that spring out of bed fully wowed and excited by their. But they go - because thats real life and what has to be done!

If the genders were reversed this thread would be lit up with 'LTB'

Can she find work to do from home?
Child minding springs to mind but there must be other options ?

That is true Gilly but going on the information here I doubt if the OP's family would fit into the catagory of better off.

One child means a small amount of TC. She is school age and the OP doesn't mention childcare.
We are on a low income so my overheads for work are also low. Packed lunch and no expensive business clothes.
Unless the OP's wife was spending an awful lot in travel its unlikely giving up work will make them better off or keep them on the same income.

Besides that, the wife has no reason to be at home other than she wants to. Her child is in school. Its fine to be a sahp with school age children if you can afford it and the other parents agrees but this is not the case here.
She would be giving up her job because she didn't want to work.
I have sympathy. Most of us feel that way at some point but what can you do?

Perhaps about £240 a year better off in work if they live in my area.

Sounds like you need to be firmer with her. Get her motivated to find another job or different role.

I think you need to sit down together with the figures. Don't forget extra heating etc if she is at home and the loss of any staff discounts.

Then I think it needs to be taken month by month. If she hates her job, what could she do in Feb to change it (look for other work, update her CV, try not to be on rota with someone she hates etc). Maybe a little reward to self for getting through and going in each day. e.g. A DVD at the end of the month

What other work might she like to do? Could she work towards training or volunteering in that?

Etc.

This sounds very infantilising but if she is normally reasonable, perhaps it is a feeling of being trapped causing this, which a structured plan could help with.

What has brought this change about? I think you need to get to the bottom of it.

Another one suggesting you don't increase days/hours etc

It will exhaust you and make you more susceptible to illness which will add extra burden if you need to be off work

It might affect your relationship with your daughter as you'll see her less and likely affect your wife's attitude toward you as she'll see you going to work and coming home/doing 'nothing' around the house

She needs to start communicating the real issue and looking for an alternative solution that still supports the family's finances

You sound lovely and supportive but you need to protect your health and wellbeing too

I mean it might just be the appeal of staying at home and doing all the things around the home like shopping etc?im sure it would soon wear off.

Unfortunately working is just a thing you have to do these days to live and I don't think it's very fair the pressure she is putting on you?Everyone is very quick to label it a mental health problem.

Wow! She can't just say "I'm not working anymore, you are supporting us now"! Imagine if you both did that??

I'm assuming you pay for childcare so there would be a saving of some sort if she wasn't working outside of school hours. But really she can't just OP out of paying her bills and living costs. Especially when you are just about managing as it is.

Would she consider working from home during school hours?

Why not suggest to her to find a job to do that she could work from home such as a childminder ? Perhaps taking children before and after school which frees her up in the day if that's what she wants .

OP are you sure there isn't some problem at her work that she isn't telling you about which is making her not want to go? Bullying, sexual harassment etc? Probably not very likely but it is a possibility that there is something like this and she doesn't want to tell you in case you perhaps go storming in there or don't believe her or think she most have done something to encourage it.

Sorry I'm in a bit of a rush and have skimmed through the rest of the thread so ignore me if I'm repeating what someone else has already said.

What are the reasons she gives you for wanting to stop working?

You say she's not depressed (as you've asked her this and she says not).
She is not genuinely ill I take it - phoning in sick to just take time off rather than actually having a chronic illness?
Is she a selfish person in other ways? Is this part of a bigger picture? Do you think you are being financially abused by her? Do you feel she cares about the impact on you and the huge strain you'll be under?

Sandy, thanks for explaining. I can see how divorce has worked out for your DB.