Wife just isn't going to work... Please help.

[freezerspol]

Hi, my wife works in a supermarket as a team leader, her pay isn't great. I also have a similar job (working in a restaurant) we are both full-time as we really need the money. Our daughter is 4. She is in Reception.

My wife has been fine lately, no other issues, apart from constantly being off work with 'sickness'. She openly admits that it's because she doesn't feel up to it. The thing is, I do sympathise, but this is for our daughter. I have tried speaking to her and have told her that if there are any problems, we will work through it (even if that means her going part-time) I would try my best to pick up some overtime at the weekend. We only live in a 2 bed flat, so can't downsize.

She thinks I'm being unfair! As her 'offer' is she will do all the housework and other household chores (we currently split these) but the thing is, that's not costing us any money to do that, so we literally would just be losing the whole of her income.

Like I say, going part time would be fine, I'll do my best to work weekends too, but not to just stop all together. At this rate, she will lose her job. Constantly taking 2 weeks off at a time without a sick note and so she gets a disciplinary.

Any advice?

[GimmeeMoore]

As a couple with financial responsibilities to share yes,she should work if able to
You'll not find a go our able audience here tbh,many will feel she's entitled to be at home
No doubt you'll be advised to cut down,eke out the mn chicken that feeds 6 for 18days

But yes she should work.a preference to be at home can't be maintained if can't afford it
She's not entitled to be at home,it's a desire not a right,time she looked at the financial facts

[GimmeeMoore]

As a couple with financial responsibilities to share yes,she should work if able to
You'll not find a good audience here tbh,many will feel she's entitled to be at home
No doubt you'll be advised to cut down,eke out the mn chicken that feeds 6 for 18days

But yes she should work.a preference to be at home can't be maintained if can't afford it
She's not entitled to be at home,it's a desire not a right,time she looked at the financial facts

[ImperialBlether]

So she wants to be at home all day when your daughter's in school? Well we'd all like that, wouldn't we?!

[ElspethFlashman]

She can't just opt out cos her job is crap. It's called Adulting.

And a two bedroom flat doesn't generate enough housework to justify it when the child isn't even there. She would have a lot of downtime.

However it sounds as if she is quite determined to lose her job, isn't she? And it also sounds like part time hasn't even been considered.

I would give her an ultimatum that you will NOT be increasing your hours. And she can come up with the financial solution. Why should you have to be the adult who solves this?

Bat it back into her court. She may find its easier to keep her job than have to solve the families financial shortfall.

[DoItTooJulia]

Crikey, what a mess.

How involved is she with family finances? I'm struggling to understand (from what you've written) why she is behaving like this. There must be more to it-do you have any idea what could be behind it all?

[Brokenbiscuit]

It isn't fair for her to just opt out. However, the reality is, you can't actually force her to work. I guess you need to consider if you want to stay in a relationship with someone who clearly isn't willing to pull her weight.

It does sound like she is depressed though. Would be worth encouraging her to talk to her GP if you can persuade her.

[Offred]

Eesh... I hate being home all day....

I would give my right arm for my ASD daughter to go to school and to not have MS and be able to actually do something productive with my time.

Don't think she realises how utterly utterly grindingly depressing being an unpaid skivvy actually is.

[GimmeeMoore]

theres no compelling reason to be home if child school age.its a big doss
What will she be doing as child at school?

[SandyY2K]

I mean ultimately it is her life and her job. You can't just tell her it isn't possible and expect her to comply.

A responsible adult with a child and home to run, doesn't just decide to quit and become financially dependent.

Your child is in school, so she doesn't need to be at home full time. If she doesn't like this job, she should look for another one, but just to quit is unacceptable, leaving the entire household expenses on your head.

If you start doing overtime, that means less time at home. Less time with your wife and daughter and less time to rest, impacting on your relationship.

Then as often happens in these situations, the wife goes and has an affair, claiming she was neglected and wasn't getting any attention from her husband.

Or the husband is so resentful of the wife for having to carry everything and when he sees a woman who works/has ambition and pays him some attention... same thing... He falls for her, loosing desire for the wife who in essence can seem like another child, because of the dependency situation, even when the children have long left home.

If it was because she wanted to look after a preschool child I would understand. If she wanted to return to study, I'd have some understanding, but she isn't going to be spending 36 hours a week cleaning a 2 bed flat.

If you split, because she's not had a job, if you end up paying alimony and child support to her, with EOW visitation.

Part time is a good compromise. How old is she to think this is right?

If my husband decided to quit work, with no back up plan he'd be my Ex husband pretty quickly.

[Offred]

A responsible adult with a child and home to run, doesn't just decide to quit and become financially dependent.

No, but equally you can't make someone irresponsible be responsible either. Unfortunately if you are married to someone irresponsible and selfish or have dc with them you can only really mitigate the effects of their behaviour on you and the dc. You can't make them be a different person.

[EweAreHere]

Work is work. It pays the bills. And you need her working to help pay the bills.

Your child is in school.

She is not being reasonable. You need to sit down with her and have a serious look at your finances and the reality of your situation. She needs to pull herself together, or get help if there's a medical issue, and remember it's not just about what she wants.

[Love51]

I jacked in my job as I couldn't cope, it (and bullying boss) was a major contributing factor in my mental illness. But, I quit THAT job, not every job. Immediately got some office temping, and ended up in a fairly skilled role using my qualifications. I needed almost a year of doing something non-demanding. Would wife consider being a team member, not leader? Perhaps in a different shop?
My youngest goes to school in Sept, I am really looking forward to my 5 hours kid free 38 weeks a year. But, it's a luxury!

[freezerspol]

Thanks everyone.

Yes, she wants to be at home when daughter is in school, so she can do things like food shopping, etc. but we do that online, so all the stuff she wants to do isn't going to help.

She had a year mat leave and then cut her hours down and when daughter was 2 she went to full time again. That's how I know we wouldn't cope, when she was part time I had to stay late/get there early/do weekends and we were then just about ok, but I was barely seeing our daughter and whenever I was home, I just wanted to sleep, it was a nightmare, but if there was depression or something, of course I would do it, but obviously would rather not just so she could be at home!!

[blueshoes]

This is very difficult. OP, your wife is putting you in such an awkward bind.

Has she ever done anything similar before, as in given up, put both hands to her ears and left it for you and others to sort out.

[Petalbird]

I would say don't up your work to weekends the most important thing for your DC is to spend time with them. Could you sit your wife down and both of you work out the finances and how her not working would effect your dc (and nothing else focus on her) eg food, clothing, Christmas and birthday presents maybe that will get her thinking more

[RandomMess]

I think the reality is that you can't afford it which surely she must be able to grasp.

Is it possible that something has happened at work and she thinks she is going to get the sack and she's desperately avoiding facing up to it?

[ElspethFlashman]

Do not offer to do weekends!!

You would effectively be saying "Go ahead and sacrifice my mental health so you can doss around - I don't mind"

Make it hard for her!!!

[TimeIhadaNameChange]

Do not offer to work any more than you do. That way madness, and sadness, lies.

I'd be tempted to write a list of outgoings and tell her how much per month she needs to cover, and ask for her plan of how she's going to cover that if she's not going to work. Don't tell her she can't give up work, per se, but make it clear there's a certain amount of income she needs to bring into the relationship and it's up to her to decide how she's going to do it.

[Peanutbutterrules]

I'm sorry but she's being both lazy and selfish. She can't just opt out of being a grown up.

She's either depressed, or needs to find a new job that she enjoys a bit more.

Don't work all hours to enable this, I'm afraid you'll need to stand firm. Don't agree. You may have to have a few very hard months financially to show her the consequences but presumably she'll wake up to reality.

[Atenco]

It sounds like she hates her job. But totally uncaring of her to expect you to work seven days a week. That is wholy untenable as a long term solution and when would you get to spend quality time with your dd?

[BrieAndChilli]

She's not being unreasonable to want to be at home, lots of people do but she is being very unreasonable to want to do it at cost to the family's finances without offering up a solution about how to compensate for her lack of income

I work 3 hours a day. All 3 of my kids are in primary school so it probably seems like I live the life of Riley - gym, shopping etc etc
If I worked my job full time I would only bring up pretty much the same amount as I do now working part time as I would be paying tax/NI and after school care for 3 kids.
So for us working part time is the absolutely best option for our whole family

• I can do school run everyday meaning that DH is free to travel with work etc
  
• I can do errands, shopping etc on behalf of the whole family
  
• I can go to the gym etc withou impacting on family time and leaves evenings free for DH to go the gym on way home from work.
  
• kids can have friends over after school
  
• kids can do extra curricular activities after school
  
• I am keeping my Work experience current so that in the future I can more easily find full time work.

[ColdFeetinWinter]

offred
Unfortunately if you are married to someone irresponsible and selfish or have dc with them you can only really mitigate the effects of their behaviour on you

My mitigation was divorce

This may sound flippant but facts are facts...most people have to work to pay bills and mortgages and rent and buy food. Choosing not to and expecting another person to fund you is financial abuse, disrespectful and not the behaviour of a loving partner. It caused me massive stress.

Tolerable short term, if someone is ill, has lost their job accidentally but not if its wilful I don't feel like working

You need to talk and she needs to go to the GP and recognise work is unavoidable.

[Backt0Black]

OP - you seem like a very reasonable guy. But it is not up to one partner to carry both.

My DH had a bout of depression a while back, he is on the mend etc and back in work. While on the mend he decided he didn't like his career and wanted to do 'x' ..... this earned no money and in the end was little more than a diversion to stop going what NEEDED to be done in 'real' life to get by.

What I will tell you is that him being ill and later opting out of a job he 'didn't like' and contributing literally nothing to the bills drove a huge wedge between us... it very nearly ended us and almost drive me to exhaustion and my own bout of depression. You already know how it feels to work many, many hours and not have anything. DO NOT TAKE ON EXTRA HOURS TO PICK UP YOUR WIFES SLACK ON THE BASIS SHE JUST DOESN'T LIKE SOMETHING.

Moreover - whats the long term plan? if DW takes another year off she will struggle to find enjoyable / well paid work even more when she returns. How long would you carry her for?

If you have totally and reliably ruled out depression your wife is being terribly unreasonable and really quite selfish.

[Kewcumber]

YEah well I just want to be at home too but I'm a single parent and the bills need to be paid so surprise surprise I work (and I currently hate my job!)

If you are depressed or anxious and prepared to try to help yourself then having a supportive partner is a god send. But your wife insists this is not the case so what do you do?

Have you sat down and gone through finances with her and worked out how much as an absolute minimum income you eed between you that is sustainable (so for example it isn;t susutainable for you to be working 7 days weeks long term a degree of overtime might be sustainable) and how much she needs to be conributing?

That might focus her mind more - so if she needs to earn less maybe not being a supervisor might improve things or working for a different supermarket or changing her job completely.

[Offred]

Well yeah, divorce/ending the relationship is perfectly desirable mitigation! Who wants to be shackled to someone who drags you down?!