Wife just isn't going to work... Please help.

[freezerspol]

Hi, my wife works in a supermarket as a team leader, her pay isn't great. I also have a similar job (working in a restaurant) we are both full-time as we really need the money. Our daughter is 4. She is in Reception.

My wife has been fine lately, no other issues, apart from constantly being off work with 'sickness'. She openly admits that it's because she doesn't feel up to it. The thing is, I do sympathise, but this is for our daughter. I have tried speaking to her and have told her that if there are any problems, we will work through it (even if that means her going part-time) I would try my best to pick up some overtime at the weekend. We only live in a 2 bed flat, so can't downsize.

She thinks I'm being unfair! As her 'offer' is she will do all the housework and other household chores (we currently split these) but the thing is, that's not costing us any money to do that, so we literally would just be losing the whole of her income.

Like I say, going part time would be fine, I'll do my best to work weekends too, but not to just stop all together. At this rate, she will lose her job. Constantly taking 2 weeks off at a time without a sick note and so she gets a disciplinary.

Any advice?

[ElspethFlashman]

Yes I would be very afraid that once she quits work, that would be IT.

For life!

[Offred]

I think finding out about the actual financial picture (secretly) if she does just quit and finding out exactly why she wants to leave work.

I don't know a single person who actually does it who enjoys being at home without work. Every person I know is utterly utterly depressed about how boring and demeaning a life it is but they are trapped in it also by finances or disabilities.

[SandyY2K]

No, but equally you can't make someone irresponsible be responsible either.

I fully agree with you on this, but you can decide you won't be with such a person anymore.

Freeze

This subject is a bit close to home, because my Ex SIL (brother's Ex wife) did exactly this. Except she came home from work one day and said that "Oh, by the way, the I've resigned". Just like that.

She'd already gone part time, which he was fine with.

Slightly in her favour, was the fact that she was starting up a business and said she'd still pay her share of the bills... And she did... Until she couldn't.

My DB was so angry and resentful that he was the only one with a guaranteed income and that she ran up credit card debts trying to keep the business afloat.

He would find her crying in a dark room and when he asked what was wrong, she pulled out a cc bill. So he paid it off because he didn't want her upset. Then it happened again and again and again.

This was one of the main reasons he gave for divorcing her. He just got so resentful of her unilateral decision to resign without considering the impact on the family and the feeling of being used like a walking wallet.

[Offred]

Has she considered that she may well find it incredibly unfulfilling and depressing, that once she leaves she will find it increasingly hard to actually go back, even when DC is grown up etc.

Grass always seems greener on the other side when you are unhappy with your life but very very rarely are things made better by just throwing in the towel on things and hiding from life.

[Lweji]

I'd be telling her that I didn't feel like working either and I'd rather stay at home. Then what?

She may well be at the onset of depression, anxiety issues, or have serious problems at work (bullying, harassment, ?), but then she needs to address whatever it is. It's not fair to rely on a single partner for income.

Unless you do nothing at home and that's her telling you that then, she'd rather be at home. :)

[Offred]

For instance if you find out that you will be up shit creek financially and would need to go back to crazy working and not seeing your DD then you know your position on it absolutely has to be 'this is an absolute deal breaker for me and if you quit working completely you need to be aware that I will leave'

If you find out her leaving work completely would be OK financially you have the option of; deal breaker or give it a try but you expect her to have really thought hard about the impacts on the whole family of her sabotaging a career.

[blueshoes]

Sandy, what were the consequences in your DB's situation of divorcing his wife?

If finances were tight before divorce because she unilaterally gave up her stable job, would they not be tighter even after divorce since he would have to pay child support and maintenance. Did he end up still pulling the financial load and then seeing even less of his children because of the split households. I don't understand how divorce solves the issue besides your DB not having to see her everyday and seethe.

[ElspethFlashman]

Send this to her:

"Actually I've been thinking about it and I think you're on to something, love. I may join you! I'd be able to share the housework and the (definitely not online) shopping and we both get to be around more for DD!"

[SlankyBodger]

Have you done the sums? I mean done the sums together, so she sees in black and white how losing her salary is simply not going to work. Any respoil adult, married, unmarried, childless or otherwise, has to do the sums to see how they are going to live on what they have.

She sounds immature. Was she living with her parents until you started living together? She sounds like she's never had to work out the priorities of making your income cover your outgoings.

[Fluffycloudland77]

She can't expect you to work 7 days a week just so she can go food shopping, it's not fair.

[freezerspol]

@Lweji of course I help out at home like I said in my OP, we spilt it.

She knows we wouldn't cope, but never seems to say much more about the situation.

Thank you for all the really helpful comments!

[WhereYouLeftIt]

When you point out that you cannot earn enough to pay the rent, the bills, put food on the table - how does she respond?

When you ask her what sort of life she expects you to live, working every hour available so that you're either working or sleeping, never getting to see your daughter - how does she respond?

[Lweji]

Sorry I missed that bit. I wasn't assuming you didn't, though. Just in case. Because it would be the only instance I can think that she wouldn't be unreasonable.

[Dragongirl10]

She is being very unreasonable, l say do a budget go through it with her and ask how you are going to pay the bills if she gets herself fired....tell her you could be unable to meet your rent and be evicted..

She has to continue till she finds a part time job or a better paid job, or one she likes more....

Lots of people don't like their jobs, but it is up to them to either find another , retrain in the evenings and move up in their chosen career.

For those who said look into benefits SHAME ON YOU...unless she is ill or has MH problems she should pay her own bills...benefits are not for those too lazy to work but for those in real need.

The world does not owe her a living.

[Offred]

Divorce does usually solve the issue slightly as courts don't usually order spousal maintenance now if the SAHP could work. They usually expect the SAHP to go and get a job.

[harrypotternerd]

I have been in both situations. At one point, with my ex, I was working two jobs while he sat around and did nothing. With my current partner i was in a job i despised and had a sick child who was in and out of hospital. I would call in sick because i hated my job, my boss was a bully and i was physically and emotionally exhausted. My partner noticed the change in me and we had a long conversation. It ended up with me leaving my job and looking after my daughter fulltime. I am also studying to get into a different industry part time and now ny daughter is on the mend i am looking for a part time job. Has your wife considered working part time and using her extra time to study to get into a different industry? Will your finances allow for that?

[Offred]

Ok so the op should just let his dd starve/be evicted/go without heat just because he has an irresponsible wife? Or maybe you think he should try going back to the ridiculous working hours and never seeing his daughter just because he has an irresponsible wife?

[SandyY2K]

Sandy, what were the consequences in your DB's situation of divorcing his wife?

Blue,

Finances weren't exactly tight, but it was her decision to just resign that made him feel he was being used. His earnings are in the 6 figure region.

He does earn a very good salary, but he was kind of a self employed/ independent consultant, meaning his work wasn't guaranteed, so her job was meant to be what kept them going if his contract work ended. That's what they agreed, until she just decided to quit.

So even though divorce does cost, he thought with constantly having to bail her and her parents out, he'd still be better off and he love soon turned to a strong dislike and feeling of being taken for a fool.

And I think one of the final kicker, was her looking for them to buy a bigger house with swimming pool, but still not wanting to work.

He left the house for her and he still pays the mortgage, because he doesn't want a repossession and doesn't trust her not to default on payment.

Once the youngest child is 18, it either gets sold and they split the proceeds or she buys him out.

They have joint custody, so no child support is paid.

She has gone back to work since the divorce, after realising that the business wasn't going to be enough and the walking wallet had gone.

She's not a bad person, but she's terrible with money. Spending way above what she can afford.

He's remarried and has bought a house with his wife.

[OnionKnight]

Do not up your hours or look into benefits OP, not that your wife would be entitled to much if she willingly resigns anyway.

Your wife wants to quit, she needs to figure out how she'll make up the shortfall if she can't do that...

Your wife needs to be an adult and work, there's no reason for her not to because your child is at school five days of the week.

[Lweji]

Divorce does usually solve the issue slightly as courts don't usually order spousal maintenance now if the SAHP could work. They usually expect the SAHP to go and get a job.

I can't see any reasonable judge awarding spousal maintenance when the reason for divorce is that the resident parent has decided to stop working.
She will also have trouble getting benefits. Certainly not job seekers allowance, as if she's let off it will be due to her behaviour.

[Offred]

How the wife is going to suggest the shortfall is made up is by applying for/informing benefits so they increase...

That's why I'm suggesting the OP prempts this blantantly obvious next step of his wife's. So he is fully informed about the whole situation and one step ahead of what she is clearly planning to do.

If you are on two low incomes then sometimes you end up better off financially when your top up benefits rise because only one of you is in work. If this is the case for them and she is going to bring this out when he says 'how are you planning to make up the shortfall?!' He will rather have scuppered his whole argument...

[Offred]

And shock horror... on two low incomes they probably are already needing top ups from tax credits...

[Offred]

Plus generally it easier to resolve conflicts by actually listening to and taking the other person seriously. People who feel they have actually been listened to are usually much more amenable to compromise or backing down too.

[Offred]

(And yes, even if you think they are being ridiculous)

[gillybeanz]

it sounds like you are both on a min wage or pretty low wage, you should be entitled to tax credits if she gives up her job or goes part time. you also need to add up how much her working actually costs as well.
Sometimes you aren't much worse off or better off working depending on your outgoings.
Do you pay for childcare, working clothes, transport to work etc.
These are all costs you wouldn't have if your dw was at home, or less if she was part time.