Husband resents me

[alisonis48]

Here's the situation. Hubby earns good money in city and resents me earning small money for working 2 days a week locally. But he earns double what we need to live on, we have no mortgage and my job means we have no childcare issues, and I can look after house, do all housework cooking etc and be there 100% for our son. Is he being unreasonable to resent me? He says I don't earn enough.

What's the betting he won't step up to housework and parenting if OP gets a full time job and expect her to sort it all?

OP, is your husband aware that he would become equally responsible for housework and childcare if you work full time too?

Why doesn't he change jobs if he's earning so much but seemingly unhappy. I don't see a problem with you earning less if you don't need to but is work the only place your husband resents you how is your relationship generally? From what you've said about your need to be there for your child is there any chance he's feeling a bit neglected?

I'm sorry, I also don't understand the concept of "women's work" . For us our home and child was both our responsibility. I see none of it as "women's work"

A lot of men still have this patriarchal view even if it's a difficult concept to comprehend.

You're missing the point Bluntness.

By "women's work" I mean "the work women do, which is unpaid, invisible and unvalued". Not "work women should do" which is obviously something only an idiot would characterise it as.

Men claim to do an equal share of it, but research shows over and over again, that they don't. Couples over-estimate how much housework men do. There was a very interesting study years ago. When asked, the man claimed to be doing about 50% of the housework, the women claimed, no, he only does about 35% and when the researchers actually observed the reality, it turned out the men only did about 20-20%. So both women and men over-estimated how much men did.

Bamboozled is right, the problem is that a lot of men don't even realise they have this view.

It only comes to the fore once children come along, so by then, women are stuck with a man whose unacknowledged latent sexism means that he doesn't pull his weight in the home.

Telegraph article

Time article

Slate article

I could understand his position if you didn't have enough money to live on as a family. But it seems that isn't the case.

I could also understand it if he hated his job and wanted to go part time and spend more time at home. But it seems like that isn't the case either?

So I don't really get what the issue is. He is just being critical for the sake of it. And the way he speaks to you does not sound very supportive or respectful.

Good point ^

OP, what are his good points?

If he's gearing up to leave, then the OP is in quite a good position.

Mortgage paid off, could probably get a smaller place with split, two day a week job, no whingeing husband.

Win win.

(To Fidelia)

I earned 10x my husband (we both worked full time and of course in fair marriages like that you don't have women's and men's work). The point is before we got engaged we talked about who would look after children, fairness at home, feminism and that kind of thing. People should agree it. Eg he could easily have just dated female bankers or lawyers. Indeed that is the trend these days - high earning men and women tend to marry someone similar to them - Oxbridge marries Oxbridge etc - it's one reason social mobility is harder. Secondly he could have said before you got engaged when we have children you will be back at full time work within 3 months or I will not marry you. Did he?

If you died tomorrow, how would he organise his childcare and domestic labour commitments?
Here is what would happen -- he'd hire nannies, cleaners and other domestic help. He earns enough. Also maybe find a new wife.
But what would the OP do if he died/had a nervous breakdown/lost his job -- who would fund her "whatever makes you happy" lifestyle?

There are a lot of factors here.

Firstly, how old is your child? Secondly, do you have a cleaner/home help?

I think the idea that, unless you are both happy with a different arrangement, you should both have the same amount of leisure time, is a fair one. Of course, that won't happen every month or even every year, but it should happen over the long term.

Finally he may not feel that secure in a high earning city career. Typically they do come to an abrupt end in people's 40s. Have you both got a plan if that happens?

He earns double what they & they've paid off their mortgage. Of course he has other options
He is being disgustingly disrepectful; if he has genuine concerns, he can discuss it without name calling and with an acknowledgement of the additional cost of before and after school care, cleaning & who will be doing the shopping.
Sounds like he's thinking of leaving and making it all your fault, OP.

I earn twice that of my husband. My job means that taking short notice holiday to cover childcare emergencies is impossible. I am very stressed by all the pressure on me to 'provide'.
My husband works 2 days a week 9:30-3:30 as a teaching assistant . He doesn't want to work more as he says he has too much to do at home. He has the skills and qualifications to earn a lot more but likes his lifestyle. ( he used to earn the same as me and despite being out of his industry for a while, could still earn a good wage) If he worked more we could retire years earlier or I could step back to a less pressured role or also part time.
Two decent wages would more than cover a cleaner and childcare.
Should my husband give up what he believes to be the best lifestyle for our child. ?

I earn twice that of my husband. My job means that taking short notice holiday to cover childcare emergencies is impossible. I am very stressed by all the pressure on me to 'provide'.
My husband works 2 days a week 9:30-3:30 as a teaching assistant . He doesn't want to work more as he says he has too much to do at home. He has the skills and qualifications to earn a lot more but likes his lifestyle. ( he used to earn the same as me and despite being out of his industry for a while, could still earn a good wage) If he worked more we could retire years earlier or I could step back to a less pressured role or also part time.
Two decent wages would more than cover a cleaner and childcare.
Should my husband give up what he believes to be the best lifestyle for our child. ?

I think I am going to get slated here, but I don't think men place no value on housework and raising the children...I think they can clinically think we can buy these services for less than you can earn and don't place much value on an you doing the day to day care over a nanny and cleaner Traditionally they've had to delegate that to their wives anyway, so delegating to paid employees is just a tiny step. A lot of men feel they have a good relationship with their children so don't feel their wife would be sacrificing anything by working full time. Most people end up just doing what finances dictate as for many families mum or dad is cheaper than a cleaner and a nanny.

"But what would the OP do if he died/had a nervous breakdown/lost his job -- who would fund her "whatever makes you happy" lifestyle?"

She has a 2 day a week job with no mortgage or a tiny mortgage.

That's perfectly doable. She can up her hours as the kid gets older.

Depends upon their lifestyle Basil, would her wage cover:

Food
Council tax
Insurance
Pension/savings
Utilities
Child schooling (if they choose to go private due to large salary)
Activities
Clothes
Car and running costs
And so on.

Suspect she would have to downsize and up her hours, therefore her lifestyle would change.

Op is it possible his job is at risk? Alot of my city friends are constantly worried about losing their job which puts a lot of pressure on them.

The concept of "women's work" are things that women do on their own accord and then moan that nobody appreciates them. For example, my own DGM used to mop floors twice a day, cook 3-course dinners from scratch, and oh she resented washing machines and microwave was a thing invented by satan himself.

Anyone would be struggling on 2 days a week in a low paid job even if they don't have a mortgage! Get real here.

His attitude stinks - he sounds borderline abusive - but your attitude is putting you in a potentially dangerous situation op. It's really not a good idea to be (almost) totally financially dependent on someone else, especially someone like your dh who obviously doesn't think he should support you and your dc.

You seem to be stuck in the 1950s Nata - no one does that now. Your comments are ridiculous and offensive.

I think the OPs DH would notice when there was no food in the fridge, the washing hadn't been done or school were expecting him to leave work at 11 am because his DS was throwing up everywhere, so he should appreciate that he doesn't have to currently worry about these things.

I agree that some people do certain housework jobs far more than is strictly necessary, as evidenced by all the daily bathroom cleaners and towel washers on here, but even if the OP has comparitviely relaxed standards, it is likely that having to do half of what she currently does, if the OP worked full time would be a big shock to the DH.

Our child is 6, at school. The point is he wants us to save as much as possible so he can retire early, I do understand that but we are in a good position already and I think a happy home life is more important, especially when our child is young, after all we never thought we'd have children. Think it's more he thinks I could earn more part time which I probably could but he hasn't thought the potential negative impact on us as a family, i.e. Me stressed out, having less time to look after house, us both commuting, childcare costs. Dont get me wrong I know I'm lucky and lots of people have to balance two careers and family, I respect that but that's the point we don't. I'd love to be non financially dependent like I used to be but can't see how I can without a detrimental effect on our child. Maybe I'm not being flexible enough and it's me being selfish but I want to do the childcare, and I know it's hard to have both.

I think he sounds awful because it doesn't seem to be a discussion just misogynistic bullying. I think I would suggest divorcing him!