Husband resents me

[alisonis48]

Here's the situation. Hubby earns good money in city and resents me earning small money for working 2 days a week locally. But he earns double what we need to live on, we have no mortgage and my job means we have no childcare issues, and I can look after house, do all housework cooking etc and be there 100% for our son. Is he being unreasonable to resent me? He says I don't earn enough.

[christmaswreaths]

An ambitious man doesn't mean a man that doesn't chip in.

I work for a number of executives, most of their wives work full time and they do school runs etc.. Even our Ceo has been seen on school runs.

On the other hand I have men working for me who are sexist and hide under the guise of their long hours and ambition to do nothing at home and their wives are sahm.

I guess it whatever works for you, but you can be an ambitious, very senior executive and do your fair share at home.

[Dadaist]

Yes he's being unreasonable. I would love to earn enough that my wonderful wife would never have to think about what she earns and not work at all unless she wanted to. A little work can be good for us though. I'd say get part time job one or two days a week. Tell him what won't get done while you're in work - and see if he shares the extra burden?

[NickyEds]

Questions you need to ask your dh:

• When are you available to interview cleaners. How many hours a week do you think you will need to cover your share?
  
• When are you available to interview childminders? How many hours a week do you think you will need to cover your share? Will you be doing pick ups or drop offs on the days I work?
  

-How flexible will your work be when ds is ill and you have to leave at 10 am to pick him up?
-I do gym once a week so you do pub once a week. You will need to home to do cooking on the other days. Have you accounted for this?

Give me a minute and I could think of a dozen others. I bet you all if the money in my purse he hasn't even considered one.

I think your other r issue is hard. Dp and I have always agreed (since way before dc came along) that we don't want them in childcare. It's just something on which we agree. I think it's hard to put a value on it for someone who doesn't get it.

[badabing36]

It seems to me like making more money has become goal in and of itself, without any reference to how much you actually need.

You say he could retire tomorrow and he earns twice the amount you need to live on and yet he's upset that you won't be earning enough? Sounds like your priorities have shifted since having a child and his haven't.

Are his friends like this too? Or are they very competitive at work?

He sounds a bit of a prick to me if I'm honest.

[omnishamblesssssssssssssss]

Does he value your input at all? Does he value your child being nurtured with your wrap around care?

[HerOtherHalf]

Honestly, I would stick to your guns. If he's trying to compare your respective contributions to the family in financial terms he will always see you as the underdog. Even if you get a part time job, your financial contribution will still be much lower than his and he will still hold it against you if that is how his mind works. Whereas, with any part time commitment, the reduction in care of your child will be massively disproportionate to the monetary benefits. He should be sodding grateful his child has a father who can cover all the financial requirements and a mother who is willing to be a full-time parent. I'd also like to point out, seeing as childcare, nannies etc have been mentioned in the thread, you can outsource care but good luck trying to outsource a mother's love.

[aln48]

Wow herotherhalf wish you could talk some sense into my dh your words are refreshing.
I'm in my late fourties my ds is 6, I want to enjoy him, and be there for him, it took years of fertility issues to have him. Dh is very ambitious he would never consider reducing his hours so it's hard to work out what he wants sometimes. Like someone said I need to find something that works for me as I'll still have to balance everything else. Thanks for all your words.

[teawamutu]

Oh, and no ringing you and bleating that he doesn't know how to pack a lunchbox or find clean pjs. On those days, not your circus, not your monkeys.

[teawamutu]

Do not take this job if there's even the slightest chance that your husband will assume you're going to do the increased hours and commute + everything you used to do= same life for him + more £££

He sounds exactly the type. Sit him down with a rota. Ask which pub days he'll be giving up in order to do bedtime and cook your dinner. Have a list of pe and activity days. Divvy up the housework.

Let us know if he still sounds keen

[corythatwas]

Have you spelled out to your husband that if you take a ft job he will have to do half of the responsibility for childcare, housekeeping and admin?

That does not necessarily mean he physically has to do every single job: as EnormousTiger suggests, you can both outsource. But it does mean that he has to be equally responsible in thinking about it, planning it and paying for it. I

Don't let yourself be led into some feeble "oh us women end up doing it all anyway". Make it totally clear that this is how it will be and stick to it.

[HerOtherHalf]

Maybe he needs to be helped a little to think through the real value you are contributing to the family, and more specifically your child. I've been the primary earner since we got together. My wife was a SAHM for the first 12-15 years, only taking up paid work again when our youngest was in her teens. For me, the real value she brought to the table was not the general housework and so I did not value her contribution in terms of the cost of a cleaner or home help. The value was that our children had someone who loved them to get them fed and ready in the morning, pick them up and drop them off as required, be there for them pretty much all the time to ensure their logistical, emotional and practical needs were met. You can't put a value on that and as an investment in their development and long-term prospects I personally think it is priceless. My wife has contributed a fraction of what I have financially but she has been primarily responsible for making our family a success and our children the confident, caring, well-rounded adults they've grown up to be. I just paid the bills, she did the real heavy lifting.

[omnishamblesssssssssssssss]

Hes working away, he won't be able to take on his half of the childcare/chores. So basicly you will end up doing everything. While he only works.

[picklemepopcorn]

What Nicky said!!

[NickyEds]

Congratulations on the job offer op!

Your dh really doesn't get it does he? So he's leaving it up to you to decide if it's worth it? What he needs to consider is how is he going to get back in time 2 days a week? How is he going to arrange flexible childcare cover for whilst he's abroad for days at a time?

[omnishamblesssssssssssssss]

Sorry just read update. Wait for something that's closer maybe. Everything will be on your shoulders so you need to make sure it works for you.

[omnishamblesssssssssssssss]

How old is your DC?

Is he planning to do half the housework?

Does he appreciate what you do?

I think you need to work out the cost of cleaners, tidying, childcare, covering night wakes/illness, having meals cooked/eating out, time given to arranging family stuff/holidays/ gifts/ food shopping

I think he's being particularly unessessarily pedantic. You have no mortgage. Why wouldn't he put his child's needs first? Why would he want a balanced life to be out of kilter? Why does he want you to be unhappy?

[christmaswreaths]

Ps Dh says the reason he pushed me so hard was that he knew me very well and was certain I would regret giving up.my career. My parents also pushed me hard at the time I felt really got at.. But looking back they were all right and had my best interests at heart.

[christmaswreaths]

I think you should go for it, you could always resign.

My Dh and I were equal earners and when the DCs were young I was desperate to be a sahm. I was for a time, then Dh really pushed me hard to go back, we had some terrible rows and I was so exhausted (but we did have four kids).

Money wasn't the issue by the way as we were also mortgage free and he earned 6 figure salary.

Roll on a few years, I am really glad he pushed me. My career is flying again and although sometimes it's still a juggle, and I do get stressed, I am.a lot happier. I really love my job and it feels great I will have my career in 10 years time when all the kids have left home.. My eldest is 12 and it's scary how fast it's gone, 6 years and she will be an adult whilst I still have 20 years plus to work!!

[aln48]

Hi your message really intrigued me as it sounds like you totally get my point and have a similar struggle yourself. So the update is within one week of having all this discussion/feeling like crap I got an interview and was offered a higher paying job on the spot. 4 days a week but the commute is a bugger, 50 mins drive each way without traffic. Three times the low wage I'm on now but will mean childcare and I'm not convinced commute will work. Hubby was I think a bit shocked i managed to secure a job offer so fast and hopefully a little bit proud, he's been abroad this week with work but said work it all out and it's up to you see if it's worth it. After trying the drive there and back I'm thinking I should hang on until I find something more local as will be forever stressing I'll never make it back in time, and will be just as much in Diesel/traveling time as a train fare to london and the whole point was we didn't want both of us working in london, so difficult to know what to do.

[Velvian]

How are you, op?

[Proseccoisthenewlambrini]

He sounds like an egotistical twat! He wouldn't be where he is now without you. In my experience it will take slot of drip feeding to get him to see your point of view if he ever will. Chances are he knows how you feel he just doesn't give a shit.
for you, I bet he never buys you any.

[aln48]

My point exactly, I thought we were a team, I've made so many sacrifices for us as a family. I know he's worked really hard and saved loads but I think he's too ambitious and it puts too much stress on us that we don't need. I think the issue is more that I'm happy settling for far less money than I'm capable of earning and that's what infuriates him.

[imjessie]

What an arse !!! I don't work and my dh 'carries ' us but he doesn't mind . We are a team . He works and I did everything else !! He has even offered to pay for a cleaner ( I declined ) often in sat on the sofa and we joke about it but we are happy . Whatever I earn won't touch the side of what he does so it's how it is ... we have always shared everything though so I'm guessing you don't and didn't before children .

[aln48]

Also in terms of leisure time hubby only comes home for child's bedtime on Wednesdays when I have a gym class, the other nights he calls in at the pub on the way home and comes back at around 8 to a home made dinner. The house is always tidy and clean, food in fridge, shirts ironed, admin sorted etc so he just relaxes. So maybe that goes towards explaining my attitude also, I'm fully aware that if I worked longer hours the only difference would be we'd have a childminder and a cleaner.

[aln48]

Notinagreatplace fair point although for the record the part time job I'm doing is what I'm qualified in just on a much lower salary than I'd get in london. I'm accepting it for now and will make an effort to find other part time work for the other days and or better paid money then present hubby with comparison so we can jointly decide. In the meantime what I earn although not enough to pay all the bills will cover 1/3 of what we spend each month.
It made me laugh when someone on this thread commented on my non working days as days off, yeah right if you count days off as spent cleaning ironing food shopping clearing admin etc etc! (I'm not counting childcare). I'm sure we'd all love to have proper days off!