Husband resents me

[alisonis48]

Here's the situation. Hubby earns good money in city and resents me earning small money for working 2 days a week locally. But he earns double what we need to live on, we have no mortgage and my job means we have no childcare issues, and I can look after house, do all housework cooking etc and be there 100% for our son. Is he being unreasonable to resent me? He says I don't earn enough.

[category12]

Thing is, he probably wouldn't pick up half the housework and childcare, if she worked full time.

Op, not sure where you go from here - he seems to resort to shouting you down, which isn't nice or normal. I don't think it's unreasonable for him not to want to be the main breadwinner if it's not something you both agreed beforehand. Neither are you unreasonable for wanting the less ambitious route. How you reconcile these two is the difficulty. I think it very much depends on the rest of the relationship.

[SandyY2K]

Depends on if your child is in school and you could work more hours.

Also depends on the cost of childcare, if applicable.

I worked part time when my DH were younger. I sometimes detected resentment, but it came out more when I complained about not having enough money. (separate finances), I was told to step up my hours if I wanted more money and that he would also be broke if he worked part time, but the bills had to be paid.

I personally wanted to spend time my DC and enjoy the early years, not working full time and rushing home and still having to do the cooking and other child related care.

I remember telling him that if we both worked all the hours going in the city, with a long commute, we'd hardly see our DC because someone else was looking after them and I didn't have DC to dump them on someone else for hours on end, at an early age.

Thank goodness those days are behind is. My DC are teens and I work full time. Have done for the last 5 years.

[AskBasil]

"Anyone would be struggling on 2 days a week in a low paid job even if they don't have a mortgage! Get real here."

I am real. I did it for about 8 years (with a small mortgage). It's perfectly doable. I didn't struggle. Yes, I had to budget carefully, yes, it took excellent money management and planning skills and no, I didn't have posh holidays or Mumsnet necessities like Waitrose deliveries, but it is possible and women should know that if their marriages are unacceptable, they have that option. They do not have to put up with men who don't deserve them, because of the fear of poverty.

"The concept of "women's work" are things that women do on their own accord and then moan that nobody appreciates them."
No, that is not what women's work is, that is a sneering put-down of women's unpaid invisible labour. HTH.

[aln48]

Selfishly what I really want to do is carry on working locally part time for less money during school hours and spend as much time as possible with ds. And ideally train to do something else so I can increase my hours when he's older and needs me less. But none of this is geared by earning potential and I think that drives him mad as I'm putting ds first. No I can't see an easy solution either!

[Bambamrubblesmum]

Can you find a working at home source of income using your previous skill set?

[Hermonie2016]

Ok, so he does have a financial goal of early retirement.That's understandable.

Have you sat down and run the numbers so there is a view of what would be achieveable if you stayed in lower paid work vs if you earned higher salary?

I think you should have an open mind rather than take your approach as that would not be in the spirit of partnership.

It is fair that he asks for help in achieving early retirement especially if he has spent his life working in stressful careers.

[smilingsarahb]

They are only little once...another 6 years and your child will be quite pleased to have a bit of space from mum (despite still neededing a lot of support) why not just show a plan for how much the loss for 6 years is ie the salary you would earn less the childcare, cleaning and commute costs) it might not be as huge as he thinks. He can still retire early and you work a bit beyond him to make up the shortfall

[RandomMess]

Perhaps sit down and do the maths for him, including buying in all housekeeping work that you currently do, commuting, work clothes. Show him that you wouldn't be that much better off plus he would have to do more - cook meals, take time off when DS sick etc.

[hippyhippyshake]

He doesn't realise that without you making his home life simple and worry-free he wouldn't be a 'high-flyer' with early retirement on the horizon. You work two days a week and I bet you still do 100% home and childcare. At what point would the balance shift? I'm a bit worried for you that his pension is looking good. Does he pay into an ISA or equivalent for you while you are making his life comfortable?

[aln48]

Thank you sarah good suggestion. Hermoine he could retire tomorrow...but he is very ambitious and is always moving the goalposts. Unfortunately I have seen too many people close to me die young and I think enjoy it while you can and be happy. Hence my different attitude. But I am in a marriage so need to consider dhs ambitions also and not be selfish. I will work the sums.

[kaitlinktm]

Would you both have equal leisure time if you worked FT? I know that you could employ cleaners and childcare etc and outsource other things like ironing, but I would bet that organising all these people would be your job, not his.

What would happen in an emergency (say if the nanny was ill)? Would he be prepared to take equal time of with you? Again, I would bet not.

Is there any chance you could do your old profession on a PT basis?

[kaitlinktm]

Sorry - time off (not of - grr).

[Crispsheets]

This sounds like my ex. I worked part time and he liked the fact he "allowed" me to have a "little" job.
He never recognised all the child care/ housekeeping I did....And 3 years post divorce is still bleating on about how I contributed nothing to our marriage.
Emotional abuse at its best

[Nataleejah]

You seem to be stuck in the 1950s Nata - no one does that now. Your comments are ridiculous and offensive.
Some still do, sadly. There only is a new coating to it. Think everything eco-organic, home grown, home schooled, 'commercial' baby food means lazy parenting, etc.

I'm not offensive. I just feel sorry for the guy.

[Fleurchamp]

my situation is very similar - no mortgage, DH earns a very good wage and I have returned to work two days' a week.

BUT my DH is completely supportive and tbh would probably prefer me not to work (he doesn't like sending DS to nursery). However, it is important to me to keep the embers of my career alive and also to have some financial independence - no one can/should take for granted that their OH will not leave.

Another reason for me returning to work is that DH works in the City too and the job situation is precarious at the best of times and is currently very bleak. At least what I earn would pay the essential bills and if necessary I could increase my hours - not have the stress of us both looking for work.

So, I do agree that perhaps you should work but the comments about the number of days and pay seems a little out of order. I assume you haven't worked for 6 years? It would be so hard to just walk back into your old career. Plus, things are different now, would he take his share in school runs and other chores? DH freely admits that he could not do his job and look after a child, the hours don't work, he has to travel short notice etc. Like other users have said - work out the costs of childminders/after school care, cleaner etc. your DH might be quite surprised....

So, I guess we have made the decision that DH will work in that industry for as long as possible, save as much as we can and in the meantime I keep my job ticking over so that if/when the time comes I can step up to FT work.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

I would call this emotional abuse from him.

How much does he expect you to earn now?. I cannot see this individual stepping up any more with parenting even if you were to increase your hours. I am wondering if he really want you to quit thereby making yourself completely dependent on him.

He resents the fact that you put your son first with the subtext to that being you are supposed to put him as The Big Man first. He also hates the fact you have a part time job outside the home and is not recognising anything you do within the home.

Such men do not change. You can only change how you react to him.

[Ohdearducks]

He sounds fucking horrible! He's totally dissmissive of your other contribution because there's no monetary value attached to being there for your son or taking care of the home. Are you seriously happy with someone who has such lack of respect he calls you lazy?

[Marilynsbigsister]

Would your DH perhaps like the luxury of spending time with your child by working less ? Or is that not a choice open to him ?
If this is a pure financial decision that you can discuss then the decision should be simple.
Put very crudely, is your earning potential greater than that of a cleaner (2/3 times a week) laundry/ironing service and childminder before and after school. ? If so does that earning potential far outweigh these costs. ? If so, then he has a point.

The decision for one parent to stay at home because they unilaterally choose to is simply not fair regardless of which sex is making the decision. Marriage is a partnership, these decisions need to be agreed together.
In my family two of my siblings have ended their marriages because of their spouses insistence that they had 'chosen' to be SAHP without any discussion. In the case of one, the sole child was 13 yrs old and apparently still 'needing her parent at home all day' (actually out with mates/indulging in hobby that was about to start bringing in money any moment...) That is called taking the piss and leaving your spouse with all the financial stress on their shoulders. This is not a partnership if it's not by agreement.

If I were you OP, I would be careful and listen to his concern. If he decides to leave, can you house yourself and manage on half the value of house money, 15 % of his residual income for maintenance and half the savings. With your 2 days a week earnings. ? If the answer is yes and you value being a sahm/pt local worker above your marriage, then your best bet is to LTB as amicably as possible.

[Mils45]

Have you asked him what he wants? Does he want you earning X amount, or is it that he wants you working FT, etc. Once you determine this, you can then work out how you will both work this around looking after your son. He may realise you are not any better off working FT plus childcare.

What are you doing on your 3 days off if your son is at school now? I know a few men who get really pissed off about their wives not working and financially inputting yet spending money on non essentials like clothes and ladies lunches. I wouldn't be suprised if he wants you to become more independent, not saying he wants to leave, but it isn't nice feeling like you can't leave because partner can't look after themself.

[Velvian]

Op says DH could retire tomorrow. He's doing exactly what he wants, which is earning lots of money. As they do not need him to to do this, it seems rather selfish on his part that he is not around to participate in family life.

[aln48]

Mils I definitely am not a lady who lunches trust me. Nor do I spend my life shopping! I've been working 5 days a week for last two months in a temporary role. Please don't infer I'm a wag, far from it.

[Olswitcharoo]

3 days off? I bet that would be lovely, I work part time and On my days off I do washing, ironing, school runs, after school clubs, clean the house, prepare and cook meals, food shopping, anything else shopping, post office trips. I can honestly say there is never a time when I get a day off. I wouldn't swap it at all as I love spending time with the kids, but why is one role worse/better Or more/less important than the other? Both roles are equally important!

[BamboozledByPaperClips]

I'm sorry but it sounds like the DH is more than capable of doing the maths. Why should she present to him the facts.

I would up your hours, if you're able to. Or certainly have a medium to long term plan.

I've had this problem myself, amongst other undesirable attitudes and behaviours. I'm divorcing him.

[smilingsarahb]

Velvian I agree..They have no mortgage, he has a pension that he can retire on tomorrow and OP does earn money too. The conflict seems to be DH is ambitious and wants to be very wealthy but OP wants a simpler life and to spend time with her child while its young. Neither is wrong they just don't agree what's important in life.

[BlackeyedSusan]

Ex came back from visiting in-laws who had got into his ear about me working.

Fine I said, but he would have to drop at nnurserty and do pick ps. he would have to cook the evening meal and shop as I would be working longer hours than he would be doing. he would have to take on 50% of the cleaning. HE would have to contribute to the cost of full time childcare and after school care.

he went off the idea rapidly.

I would make a list of all the things that would need doing IF I went out to work. (make it as detailed as possible: eg wipe out fridge shelves. clean sink everyday, cost everything: convenience food verses choopping your own veg etc cost of child care. that he needs to organise days off to cover sick children. he needs to cover some of the holidays for childcare.)