Will I ever get over this or will it last for ever until the day I die?

[Britannialia]

I have what I understand is a bad case of limerence (to be kind) or obsession (if less kind). Summary is I have felt that I am overwhelmingly in love with a man for many years, I won't say how many, but lets say 5+ years.

I think it started as a result of some trauma bonding. We were dating and he was really vile and orally abusive to me totally out of the blue and very shocking. After that I think I became obsessed with over coming this nasty and cruel rejection and wanting to prove to him I was worthy of his loved (crazy I know). He remained v. on/off using me for sex etc taking advantage of my love/limerence/how much I liked him.

I have tried everything to get over this - no contact, lots of contact, therapy of various kinds; hypnosis; dating others like a tabloid wannabe;, focusing on my own life, and everything in between.

I still feel this all embracing passion for a man I know to be a nasty piece of work.

He triggers something very deep (and unhealthy) in me and I feel he is my soul mate - especially (But not just) my sexual soul mate. This is entirely one sided.

Do I need to resign myself to the fact that it's how I feel and it won't go away ever?
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Can this kind of "love" (limerence really I get it's not proper love) last forever? Am I doomed?

sorry that should say "shouldn't be a surprise to me that"

All the while you are happy for scraps that's all you will receive. Tell him it's all or nothing and see what happens.

(To be honest you do sound a bit deluded )

You sound almost like you're describing the protagonist in a romance novel, OP. As far as I'm concerned, all of his positive attributes are negated by the way he is treating you. He may be rich, intelligent and charming but bottom line: he's a selfish, manipulative user. Fact is, you know that he doesn't even like you and he's only using you for sex. You teach people how to treat you by what you allow and what you don't. You need to stand up for yourself, you are worth more than this. Think about what your life will be like if you let this continue for another 5 or 10 years. You may never meet a man who ticks all the boxes in your mind, but wouldn't a man with some of the qualities who is kind and treats you with respect be better?

Sounds tough. Suppose it's a bit like having tinnitus? You just have to live with it. I don't see how therapy could ever work, wouldn't that drive you further into thinking about that guy, surely? If you showed me a picture of him, I'm sure I wouldn't find him "mesmerising" at all, the way you describe. Is it Tom Cruise as he was when he did those movies in the eighties? No, you said he was tall... Reminds me of my school friends who had posters of this-or-that artist on their wall, when I was little. (I didn't have any such posters myself.) Anyway, with tinnitus, I guess the trick is to surround yourself with "white noise" to block out the tinnitus sound, in your case you must focus on meeting other people (guys) I guess.... being the expert... eh...

exactly, Chillin - I was saying pretty much the same, OP, that he is NOT amazing if he is being a nasty piece of work (even you put it like that) treating you badly. If he knows that you aer not 'good enough' for him than the nice thing to do was to drop you long time ago, but he is still using you on and off, so being not good enough even is not an excuse for his shoddy behaviour towards you. If you actually actively convinved him that you aer fine with the occasional sex, then ok, he's not being nasty as such - just not very insightful, but I assume you didn't spell it out as you did say he was nasty.
Again agree with Chiilin that why the heck does your man have to be PERFECT?? Surely it's better if he loves you and is genuinely interested in you, and has main qualities you want in a man but not, say, as wealthy or as good looking?
You say, you say 'fear' which means there is some irrational hope there that he does like you - I think if he speeled it out that he doesn't like or respect you, you could move on - I really believe that very very few people would hang on there obsessing about someone if they had evidence of having no hope of being liked/appreciated by them.

Blimey how did you get together with this perfect stud?
Why doesn't his arse hole ness cancel out the perfect studness ?

I really believe that very very few people would hang on there obsessing about someone if they had evidence of having no hope of being liked/appreciated by them.

This is fairly true. It's not like he never acted like he liked me. The process was 1. See him; he's very intense; very acting into me; all good. 2. repeat a few times. 3. Some point of conflict (usually caused by me saying something "critical" - I'd like to see you more/please call me type stuff). 4. Him disappearing. 5. me being distraught at the silence. 6. me being depresse feeling worthless and like no one will ever want me. 7. me (eventually) picking myself up and feeling better. 8. Contact with him in some form - bumping into him, him calling, texting. 9. Him acting more interested. 10. Him asking me out again -go back to number 1.

So yes -you are right. It's not like he hasn't been occassionnally dripping me bits of hope. The same time he has been cruel and manipulative. I honestly feel deep down emotionally that he is my soul mate and we are a match - if only he could see it. The sane part of my mind sees this is wrong headed.

All of this is of no matter - because its off the point of my OP which is - can I get over this or am I just going to have to ride it out - which may mean forever?

well it's on off point because we are trying to see what (if anything) can get you over this. If nothing can, then yes you may feel like this forever. We aer trying to give you different angles or to show a confused thinking which still persists - meaning once you see this, maybe you'll be able to go off him. E.g. 'cruel and manipulative' is a fact so should have you see him as less than amazing - yet you don't. If you change your thinking to logical, instead of mixing thoughts with feelings, it may help. I think if you saw him as no so amazing and a commitment-phobe or possibly promiscuous AND cruel for dangling you on the string - now we know that you told him you want /need more contact - so he's hugely egotistical/selfish. How is that 'amazing'?
Maybe you need to redefine what you see as valuable in a man - i.e. someone may appear less glossy or has much less money but he's amazing at being thoughtful and loyal. I think CBT (rather than hypnosis) should be really helpful - if it wasn't, maybe you were not lucky with a therapist? it does challenge wrong beliefs. I suppose it's like trying to get an alcoholic lose taste for alcohol and see it as something damaging - when for others it's obvious. Some manage, some don't. You'll have to try more ways to shake it off, what else can you do really..

*not off point

OP are you aware of the idealise/devalue/discard cycle? Google it? I know you know that you need to break free of this. yes it's tough, but it's an addiction/obsession, not love.

I went through something v similar.

Agree, he's not at all perfect, he's an arsehole. Kindness has to be a better quality than everything he's displayed (and one he's clearly lacking).

Just wanted to come back to this post because I ended it - this evening. I feel a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. I feel free. Yes - he was incredible and the best sex I've had. But - the negative feelings. Even though I think I have good self esteem. He was making me examine myself. Why am I not good enough? How can I do better? It's utter bullshit. I have no reason to doubt myself. I am a good person, I'm unique, I'm 'me'. I do not exist for someone else's 'approval'.

OP - your post has really helped me - and the people who have posted on here.

Sorry. My final thought!! We have one chance on this planet!!! If we are going to let our happiness/emotions be controlled be someone who is completely unworthy - for years....it's our fault!!! We've GOT to let go and find things that make us happy.

All of this is of no matter - because its off the point of my OP which is - can I get over this or am I just going to have to ride it out - which may mean forever?

I think it will stay with you forever, but it's up to you how much you let it control your life. I have a 'one that got away' from about 15 years ago who I've had a few encounters with over the years, but it's always been very on/off and he's never treated me very well.

For a long time I couldn't stop thinking about him. I was in a very unhappy relationship with someone else and I think he came to represent this other life that I'd somehow missed out on. Even though I know that he treated me like shit and would have most likely made a terrible partner long-term, that didn't stop me constructing this fantasy where he would reappear and sweep me off my feet. I hated myself for it and wanted nothing more than to just erase him from my mind.

Now I'm out of that unhappy relationship and finally very happy with someone else, but that doesn't stop this guy from still popping into my dreams from time to time. I don't think I'll ever be able to forget him. But now that I'm much happier in myself, I can see it for what it is. It's just a fantasy, and the thing about fantasies is that they can never disappoint you if they never become a reality.

I now accept that this guy had a big impact on me and my life and that he'll always be in my thoughts, and that there's nothing wrong with that. But he and I are not 'meant to be' together, or we would be together.

When I met my current partner, who I really believe is the love of my life, I realised just how uncomplicated love can be. All that 'Does he/doesn't he? Will we/won't we?' crap might be exciting for a while, but it's also exhausting and there are people out there who will treat you how you deserve to be treated.

I think it'll be with you always, Brittanialia, but try to cut out #5 and #6 from your list here above, those are unnecessary steps.