Will I ever get over this or will it last for ever until the day I die?

[Britannialia]

I have what I understand is a bad case of limerence (to be kind) or obsession (if less kind). Summary is I have felt that I am overwhelmingly in love with a man for many years, I won't say how many, but lets say 5+ years.

I think it started as a result of some trauma bonding. We were dating and he was really vile and orally abusive to me totally out of the blue and very shocking. After that I think I became obsessed with over coming this nasty and cruel rejection and wanting to prove to him I was worthy of his loved (crazy I know). He remained v. on/off using me for sex etc taking advantage of my love/limerence/how much I liked him.

I have tried everything to get over this - no contact, lots of contact, therapy of various kinds; hypnosis; dating others like a tabloid wannabe;, focusing on my own life, and everything in between.

I still feel this all embracing passion for a man I know to be a nasty piece of work.

He triggers something very deep (and unhealthy) in me and I feel he is my soul mate - especially (But not just) my sexual soul mate. This is entirely one sided.

Do I need to resign myself to the fact that it's how I feel and it won't go away ever?
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Can this kind of "love" (limerence really I get it's not proper love) last forever? Am I doomed?

Maybe it's all about your overwhelming desire/need for intimacy and true love, and in absence of it in reality, your need is latching on to him (because he has some qualities of that potential soulmate - but obv nothing like enough, and it's not mutual which is the main thing)? I really empathise, OP, I've had something similar though nothing like of that duration - and I think this explains my feelings.

You need to do some psychological work to find out what in your own mind is causing you to seek comfort in an obsession

venusinscorpio - been there, done that. As I posted originally, I have had various types of therapy including psychotherapy. I know what is the cause of this but it hasn't helped. I've had hypnosis. It hasn't helped. I have tried everything. Understanding the cause of the problem, hasn't rid me of the problem.

Of course he is not worth of this adulation. I KNOW! This is the frustrating thing for me - I totally get it all. I know this is my issue. I know he is a shit. I know he's not worth a minute of my time let alone my love. And so on until the end of time. I know it all. My feelings of adulation or love remain.

What I'm looking for - and why I started this thread - is to consider whether this is a permennant state for me (which it seems it is) or whether I can DO anything (other than everything I've already tried) to change it.

Should I now (having been up and down hills and mountains of the things I've posted above- therapy and so forth) resign myself to the fact there is no solution for me?

I meant to finish my post by saying, that if this is the case, surely the only way to move on is to try dating/meeting others - you didn't say if you've done that - so that something real replaces the fantasy? You don't know whether someone else can feed your emotional needs (in a healthy way) until you give them a chance.

But you've resigned yourself to the idea that this is it and you are incapable of moving on. It's a self fulfilling prophecy, don't you think?

LoveForPG - I have seriously tried dating others (both OLD and real lift) but what would happen was whenever it progressed and I kissed anyone I'd compare them adversely to him. I never felt that zing in my heart and in my soul that I had when he kissed or touched me.

I ended up feeling rather dirty (like I was using the men or something) and depressed about no one ever matching up - so I gave up. I'm summarising here a long period of time and proper effort.

Venus - that is my question really. I don't think I had resigned myself - hence my many different ways to try to deal with this. I'm now just wondering whether this is the bottom line and I just need to face up to it.

hmm interesting - but I wonder if you had been in love or strongly attracted before him? are you really stuck on this one man, or is it that you are very fussy/particular in your tastes and it's just that a very small minority could match up - in which case still worth to date a bit now and then?
In a way he became a habit though, I mean that to get out of it you sort of need to make an effort to try and stick with something else even if it doesn't have an immediate strong effect. So many good relationships start gradually and THEN become deep/passionate. The thing is, any addict feels than nothing is better than their drug, but theoretically they can get addicted to another drug given time and building a new habit. It's not comfortable going off you current drug but you need to build new habits which may attract you differently. I know that this sort of involves experimenting with people to a degree - but you don't have to promise them anything when starting to date and building it up, assuming obv that you like someone to a good extent (rathern than feel passion fast)?

Otherwise you could try to 'resign yourself' - in a way maybe this would relax you and stop fretting/focusing on this so much, and then you might focus on other things. Whereas you fighting it keeps it on your mind too much - I think someone on the thread suggested something similar.

I just want to add, I'm prone to the same, I so recognise all your emotions/thoughts in myself (it really helps to read your thread) though your situation is unusual as it's so long-standing. I also thought - do you have a friend who is close and you 'd want to run to with your good/bad news? If not maybe you need to cultivate that? so that it would diffuse some of your needs towards him.

What do you think of the suggestions I, for one, have made?

How long did you have therapy? Therapy - long term therapy - is about getting out of our head and into the pain. That takes time. It's simply not enough to know why something is going wrong.

I suspect you may be so enamoured with your impossibly delicious obsession you like to keep returning to it to get the hit. Yet your head knows it is shameful, embarrassing and grubby. So far, so addict. As with any addiction it is action that turns around the ocean liner. Bit by bit.

The first step is an acknowledgement of complete powerlessless over the addiction. (take a look at the 12 steps to familiarise yourself with them). Go to groups that actively address strategies to arrest the addiction - a day at a time.

You can't have it all ways re you can't secretly indulge in the obsession. Or you can, of course, but you'd be flirting with a monster. You know this so don't kid yourself. We addicts are very good at kiddng ourselves. It's second nature.

I asj what you think of the practical suggestions made on your thread bcs I have to wonder: do you want to be well? There's work involved if you do - astonishingly fruitful work but (hard) work none the less. You have to really want it and to be prepared to go to any lengths if you genuinely want to be well.

I recently went NC with my narcissistic personality disordered bf and it was honestly the hardest, most painful thing I ever did (and I'm 50, so lived a bit). I felt addicted to him, have never wanted anyone or found anyone so attractive before (and I know I never will again).

Instinctively I went NC, and ever since I've been devouring all information I can get about NPDs. Learning all about how and why he did all the things he did helped enormously. My shattered heart is mending, and I've forgiven myself for letting it go on so long when I knew it wasn't good for me (I had depression and anxiety)

Maybe it could help you too to know how and why he used you?
The best information I found was watching Dr Craig Malkin on youtube and reading HG Tudor's blog.

Knowledge is power. I wish you well in getting through this.

I also recognise and relate to your experience. It closely mirrors mine. The thing is really getting over someone is as much an elective decision as anything else. Sometime, and preferably now so as not to waste more years, you need to actually think 'enough' and mean it. No contact, and for me shutting the thoughts away in a 'box' were the only way.

I've since realised (after adopting) that my problem is the feeling of rejection.and what that stirs up in me. Therapy has helped with that, but it will probably be an ongoing struggle.

You've had some great advice on this thread, hope it helps.

springydaff's last post has so much depth and insight - thanks, springy!

YY to the fear of rejection. If you avoid that, you can kid yourself for years that something is more than it is.

Great advice so far. One small suggestion in the theme of "going into it and through it". Try writing about him. Fictionalise him into an idealised version, make a plot line where everything happens you ever wanted. The real man won't measure up and you can transfer the obsession to the fictional character instead, who will give fictional you exactly the amount of attention you want. Gives you back control and removes the real person from your focus. Disclaimer: you will end up obsessively writing at 3am on a school night.

I recently watched Close Encounter - that ancient classic of a torrid love affair. In it she talks (in her head) to her husband, who is her dear friend, about her lover. I found that an interesting dynamic re Michaela's post, above.

But ime fully engaging in the obsession is disastrous - like an alcoholic fully going for the booze. It just doesn't work bcs fantasy and reality are impossibly enmeshed when it comes to limerence /obsession.

Also, re Close Encounters, the man in it was predatory imo. She was 'naive', in an innocent way ( iyswim!): she was happily married back in the day when things are very innocent ; she had no protection muscle against predatory male attention.

Brief Encounter not Close Encounter!! Ffs, that how wars are started...

Thanks for your compliment, PG. As you can see, my petard is hoisted.

I heard this on the radio this morning:
(paraphrased) "Don't give anyone else the key to the lock which is your happiness"
Find a different hobby to consume your time and thoughts. It will have to be a conscious decision, it won't just happen.
I expect practising mindfulness has been mentioned already.

I have been in this position. I was in it for over 20 years. And meeting and marrying someone else didn't help. I truly believed he was the love of my life, my soul mate yadda yadda.

What worked for me in the end was realising that he is a narcissist. I read a lot about it, and learnt what he was doing to me from his point of view, rather than why I was responding to him. In therapy, I talked about him, why he was they way he is. I knew why I was feeling what I felt. But why was he seeking me out?

My therapist was a nihilistic psychotherapist and I saw him for 2 years. It took 2 years for me to realise it was all pointless and ridiculous, and then my feelings went off like a switch.

I then told him about my obsession, and we had a very long talk about it all- the whole 20 year on off relationship thing. He did contact me twice after that, but all my feelings had gone and I was able to resist.

I am much happier now. I do still think about him sometimes, but it's not like before.

Interesting thread, not sure I can add to it but I liked the comment re not giving away your own happiness to someone else, or the gist of that.
WHat is a nihilistic psychotherapist hoolio?

No idea why you would let this man who is abusive to you use you for sex??? Why on earth are you obsessed with an arsehole? You quite clearly 'obviously haven't met a top bloke yet or a gentlemen and believe me they are out there!

Maybe you need to see this bloke for what he really is!
Tbh I don't actually think he's in to you as much as your in to him.
If he was in to you he wouldn't be horrible or use you.
He probably only wants sex with you and that's it, he doesn't want a relationship with you, honour you, treat you well, just pure unemotional sex with a woman he classes as a stranger. To him you are nothing just another ride and quick and easy!
Blokes don't actually like bikes who full to the knees obsessed with them, blokes like the chase and a intelligent, caring woman but is also Indepenent! He just doesn't sound at all interested in you and your feelings are a bit strange tbh.. Maybe you want more but he will never give you more, he will never want you as much as you want him, he will never love you and be devoted to you. As you and him are having this sex on/off using method - cannot call it a relationship! He's not thinking anything of it it's just sex. I think if he knew your feelings he would run a mile! Your quite over the top of wanting to prove yourself to a bloke who is totally not interested in you and doesn't care whether you want to prove to him or not. He's interested in what he can get or what he's looking for.. There will come a time when he's found the love of his life and stop having sex with you because he will want to settle down with her and your be totally forgotten and he will never think of you again so maybe get a grip of yourself and start to realise this isn't going to happen and I don't think it's healthy for you to be obsessed with someone who treats you like that but then your letting him so it's obviously all on you and try and sort yourself out and your head!

This is exactly how I feel about the man in my life. He can be vile but I'm unnaturally obsessed with him. We have broken up countless times over 12 years, have never lived together as we are both living with children. He always contacts me after a few months saying he's missing me and instead of acting on my thoughts.. he's only after sex ....I wonder who he's been with etc etc I just let him back without any post mortem so all the issues get brushed under the carpet. Last night we were shopping and I picked up shampoo and I said is this ok and he turned on me saying I had shouted out this is the cheapest, he has a funny sense that I think he's cheap. I do have the better job so he often makes snide remarks about money and how I've got no worrys so if I moan about cost of anything he berates me. He has a good job as well but he thinks I should pay for meals etc. It would be nice if he treated me. So I can see he's using me but how do you separate when you have such strong feelings? I also agree that it must be trauma bonding. He's lovely to everyone he works with , charming if anything. He always returns even when i feel I'm coping and feel ok.I think he has psychopath disorder and I find 'psychopath free' website helpful as he has all the traits.
Anyway I know how you feel and it's a horrid predicament

Omg just read your entry and I could have written it for myself. I'm 50 in a few weeks too! I too have a NPD partner and I too have devoured every blog, book on YouTube and kindle. I found psychopath free really helpful. My problem is he always comes back after no contact which can last months. Last year I got really strong after a silly argument over a flirty text he received. I had the audacity to say I didn't like this work colleague texting him, well that was it I was a psych bunny and he gave me the silent treatment. I gave up contacting him and went no contact which lasted 5 months . I was bereft for a month but then started dating after 4 and met a nice guy but stilled missed my ex. My ex then emailed me to say he missed me. It's all a game to him. I stupidly let him back in. He's started making digs again and means about everything I do. Starting to feel anxious and depressed but it's just like an addiction as everyone says. Keep strong with NC. It's never worth going back x

Tbh I don't actually think he's in to you as much as your in to him.
If he was in to you he wouldn't be horrible or use you.
He probably only wants sex with you and that's it,

Dinnerout I have no idea why you preface this with "tbh" like this was news to me.

It is gross understatement to say that you don't think he's as into me as I am in to him. OF COURSE NOT! He doesn't even like me very much. I know he is using me for sex. I know he doesn't love me. I know he doesn't care about me. I know he doesn't treat me with care or consideration. I KNOW.

I think the post above that suggested the problem is to do with rejection is right. It's like I can't cope with someone this amazing not wanting me/rejecting me so I want to win him round to prove to myself I am worthy of his love.

I get all of this and the underlying reasons.

The problem is I can't seem to get past it. I am stuck despite the therapy and knowing the horror of it all.

OP can you remind us why would he be classed as 'amazing'?? In your original post you said he was a nasty piece of work. You mean just sexually? But then he's not rejecting you sexually, so you can see that as a win - everything else he's not amazing at, from what I could gather here.

LoveforPG its difficult for me to answer that without lapsing into excesssiveness. I'm so adoring of him.

To me (to nick a line from Love Actually) he is perfect. He makes me laugh, makes me feel totally femine and adored when we are together, we have lots in common - from education, work, social interests, main stream hobbies, obscure hobbies. He is charming - would charm anyone from your miserable granny to the difficult CEO. I also feel very safe with him hes very physically protective when I'm with him.

Apart from all that - on paper he is anyones perfect bf. He's tall, very handsome - ridiculously so to be honest - superfit 6 pack etc, gorgeous mesmerising eyes. Educated, intelligent, well travelled, street wise as well. Close to his family and protective of his sisters. Very artistically talented. And if that wasn't enough he is mega-rich - and I mean seriously rich. He lives in an amazing place in central London. I couldn't even afford to buy a cupboard where he lives. He's very successful at his job and a bit pseudo-famous (well known in his field). He really could (and does) have his pick of any woman. It still shocks me that he ever wanted to sleep with me at all. I'm no model type and have nothing really to offer him. I expect he'll end up married to someone who matches him like Angelina Jolie or Emma Watson.

He's the best I'd ever come any where near to. I guess I just have to accept I'm not good enough for him and that's that. Having just read all that back, it's probably not surprising I feel the way I do. I've never met anyone like him. No one I've ever met has dated or had a partner like him or approaching his level. It's like dating Brad Pitt or Barak Obama or something. I think it's probably right when I feel inside "I'll never meet anyone this good again - leave alone date them."

hmm OP but you also call him a nasty piece of work all the same, so it follows that you think he knows he's hurting you by using you, he's coldly manipulative - if he didn't realise/wasn't, you wouldn't call him nasty.

As for why was he interested in you as a lover, I can see the reason now - because you offer total unconditional adoration of course! You can't resist hiom despite his behavoiur, whle most women would pull out by now. Women who are his 'equal' or just not that attarcted to him, would be more critical/calmer about it. Lots of people need that hit of pure adoration (from someone nice/attractive like yourself even if you are not some sort of super woman) and that''s not easy to come by even for someone with all the qualities. If he is hugely egotistical, then doubly so.
It could also as simple as him having a very high sex drive and wanting variety, not just one partner however perfect she was.

It could also as simple as him having a very high sex drive and wanting variety, not just one partner however perfect she was.

There is an element of this I'm sure. He is also an avoider of intimacy. My deep down fear ( I call it a fear but it's probably more a case of my deep down shame that I am avoiding facing up to) is that I am just not worthy of him in any way - I'm not attractive enough, wealthy enough, charming enough etc. So it should be a surprise to me that
(i) he uses me for sex because anyone would do for him; and
(ii) he is not interested in me as a gf because I'm not good enough.

I won't meet anyone as amazing as him ever again. It's just not real life to meet people like that. And even if I meet a nice mythical man in future who cares about me and wants me for me, he won't be as objectively good overall as this man - not as compatible interest wise plus as good looking plus as wealthy plus as charming etc.

Fact is I'm not his "type" because his "type" is his level and that's not me. I think it is inevitable - looking at my original question in my post - that I will never get over this because the bottom line is he is the best I could ever aspire to. Anyone else will inevitably be a compromise compared to his perfection.