Will I ever get over this or will it last for ever until the day I die?

[Britannialia]

I have what I understand is a bad case of limerence (to be kind) or obsession (if less kind). Summary is I have felt that I am overwhelmingly in love with a man for many years, I won't say how many, but lets say 5+ years.

I think it started as a result of some trauma bonding. We were dating and he was really vile and orally abusive to me totally out of the blue and very shocking. After that I think I became obsessed with over coming this nasty and cruel rejection and wanting to prove to him I was worthy of his loved (crazy I know). He remained v. on/off using me for sex etc taking advantage of my love/limerence/how much I liked him.

I have tried everything to get over this - no contact, lots of contact, therapy of various kinds; hypnosis; dating others like a tabloid wannabe;, focusing on my own life, and everything in between.

I still feel this all embracing passion for a man I know to be a nasty piece of work.

He triggers something very deep (and unhealthy) in me and I feel he is my soul mate - especially (But not just) my sexual soul mate. This is entirely one sided.

Do I need to resign myself to the fact that it's how I feel and it won't go away ever?
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Can this kind of "love" (limerence really I get it's not proper love) last forever? Am I doomed?

I'm sorry to hear that Venus, and I'm sorry that you feel your self esteem has been affected. It has been helpful reading your posts

I'm glad to hear that, thank you.

Yeah, you probably will feel this way for at the least a long long time, but the strength of your feelings can fade. That attraction of someone who makes you feel like shit but feels like your soul mate tears you up something rotten. Keep your distance and perhaps try to get some help to resolve whatever issues made you attracted to him in the first place.

So much of what you all have written rings bells with me:

• Low self estem. Check

(I think also this aggravates the problem in a different way because it also feels more "special". One of the many therapists I have seen in my attempts to deal with this said as much. He said that if you are feeling down/depressed/have little love interest that any kind of relationship feels of more value to you. As in something that in a normal balanced life would score 5/10, in your head scores 10/10 for specialness and importance)

• It feels almost like a dominant/submissive relationship. Yep this too

-bond beyond my comprehension. Check.

• feel lucky to have experienced this intensity of feeling despite the pain. Yes.

• I never initiate contact now but am unable to not respond. Or if I manage it for a bit (and have done for months at a time) eventually weaken.

This is so pathetic but being kissed by him is truly one of the greatest and most special things I've ever experienced. I wish I could do it every day.

It is an addiction. The 12 step program suggestion is interesting. Maybe this kind of obsession is like being an alcoholic. You know how they say an alcoholic is an alcoholic for life; you may give up and be a dry alcoholic but you are always still an alcoholic and can't drink again? Maybe its the same and fact is I will always feel like this about him. Christ that is a grim thought. What an empty life I will have. Emotionally dying inside, longing for a man who doesn't give me a second thought

I've been living like this for years. Half of a life. Constantly unhappy or happy but with a caveat of him. I don't want this to be my future.

If you really want to end it, deep down, think about trying what I suggested. I promise you it will work. Call his bluff. Don't let him treat it casually.

Sorry venusinscorpio I read your suggestion of telling him how I felt and I meant to reply to it.

My fear with this man is that if I did that it would aggravate the situation in this sense : - He is not a nice or kind man. He is highly manipulative and possibly has sociopathic traits although I'm no psychiatrist. I thinkt if I told him how I felt, it's v. realistic that he would use that information to manipulate me more and might actually emotionally destroy me - testing how far he could get me to go.

For example, he is an expert at telling people what they want to hear. It's very seductive. I can imagine him coming out with all kinds of "wow I didn't know you felt like that; why didn't you tell me" (utter crap) but to make me think I had a chance with him. And then really uping the highs/lows of on/off contact and bad treatment.

I read that book by Marion Keyes This Charming Man and there is a scene in that where the abusive man manipulates his gf into having a threesome with a prositute. He takes her away for a romantic weekend in an expensive hotel; wine,dines seduces her and then there is this beautiful prostitute in the bedroom and she goes along with it because she loves him. That is the sort of evil horror I would fear from him if I told him how I feel.

You could be right and he may run a mile - but I think he would treat it as a licence to be more emotionally abusive and treat me like more of a toy. I mean he already has a pretty good idea that I like him alot (hence what he has got away with so far) but I've never told him my true feelings.

I've just read back what I wrote. I mean that just encapsulates the problem. I really believe that he might behave like that to me but I still think he is the most handsome, sexually attractive, charming and perfect man I've ever met.

I'm in a bad place.

Won't you know he's lying if he does that though? My guy used to like fucking with my head but when he no longer had any excuse to "casually" get in touch with me because I'd laid my feelings on the line and there was nothing more to be said if he didn't want more, he didn't. And I knew when I did it that would stop him, but it still really upset me to do it. It was quite cathartic though overall.

I think part of you wants this S/M dynamic in your life, for whatever underlying reason. That's what you're addicted to. I do understand and sympathise, it's very hard to break the cycle. But it's not going to do you any good.

Well I don't know about "knowing he is lying". He's really good at that kind of thing and I just want to believe him. I've been through this with him before - saying he wants me to be his gf and sort of following through for a bit and it all seeming perfect and then he disappears. I would probably hope that this time he meant it.

It's not any kind of controlling dynamic (which is what I meant by S/M above rather than sexual) I'm addicted to. It is him and I think the way he makes me feel. It's up and down -one minute like I'm the most beautiful woman in the world who has all his attention and then nothing - like he's forgotten I exist or cruel comments about him just wanting to be single and how he'd be really pleased if I got a bf because I was lovely and deserved it ( a piece of my heart died when he said that; it really really hurt - I wanted him to want me and to be jealous if I had a bf).

I really understand that I need to break the cycle. That was the point of my OP - I have tried as I said pretty much everything.

But you do know he'd be lying or you wouldn't be posting this. That's some severe cognitive dissonance. I know it's hard, but you have to at least try to get out of the mindset that you're so privileged to have experienced this amazing thing that other people can't possibly understand. When actually you've just met a fairly ordinary shitty man. It's not helping you.

Isn't there anything that's a bit ridiculous about him? Focus on that. Try to laugh at him, in your head.

He's not going to be jealous OP. He's not that into you. If he values you at all, it's because you keep feeding his narcissistic supply. Who wouldn't want someone constantly available to bolster their ego?

Do you think he's evil? Evil comes in many forms, including charm etc. "Out of the blue" shocking verbal abuse can be a way to 'trauma bond' by the perpetrator. I think it can also be a challenge to "good". Finally, is your "anger" and "fear" antennae working properly, or are they suppressed for some reason?

Recommend book "People of the Lie".

p.s. Don't tell him how you really feel. As you already know he will not use it for good. He doesn't deserve the truth anyway. In the end, its up to you whether you want to continue this macabre dance, or leave it.

I wonder why he had the intense reaction? I wonder if he thinks he is not capable of having a long term relationship due to his anger. I doubt that he is evil. I would think he has a controlling personality and anxiety issues.

I would say that if you want to continue - you need to have strong self esteem. He won't be able to give you the emotional support and reassurance you need, so you will have to give that to yourself. He can't. He is too wrapped up in himself. He needs space. He can't deal with emotions
If you don't want this to continue - if you want a nice, easy, uncomplicated relationship then you need go non-contact. I actually think honesty is the best policy and I wouldn't be afraid to tell him exactly how you feel - and that he needs to leave you alone.

Venus - I admire you for breaking the cycle. I'm reading your posts with interest. I think you should feel very empowered.

People like that have a tremendous magnetism. I mean really right up there.

What I'm saying is it's not just is and our low self esteem etc. There's something very specific coming from then too.

Perhaps have a look at Melanie Tonia Evans re healing from narcissistic abuse.

Re being a 'dry drunk'. The 12-step programme very specifically addresses - very successfully too imo - a while life programme: you don't stay a dry drunk for long if you work the programme. I've done every therapy, read every book, done all the support groups and the training... and the 12-step programme knocks them into the shade imo. (not that there isn't a place for all the above but I, for one, didn't actually get the crucial healing /peace I was increasingly desperately seeking until I worked a 12-step programme.)

Thank you worm. It is a good feeling and I don't want anyone else to waste their life as long as I did

The solution to this doesn´t lie in this man and your feelings towards him. The solution lies in building up a contentment and interest in other areas in your life. I realize that sounds odd and unlikely, but it is what will bring this to an end.

It's an obsession really, isn't it. I'm currently obsessing about someone but it has, thankfully, not got me quite by the throat in the way previous obsessions have.

I've been talking to others who obsess (as a kind of default) and here are some of the suggestions:

• Go with it. Allow yourself to obsess. In a meditative context, go under it and under it, to see what's there. It's usually need.

• Bring yourself exactly as you are, no judgement or shame or embarrassment. Look inside, see what's there.

• Allow the process. It will pass if you let it.

• It's a kind of grieving. Be patient [with yourself as well as the process], let it roll through. Allow your mind, body and spirit to regulate.

Conversely, sometimes it is just as appropriate to pull your mind back to real things, real relationships/interests that are wholesome and nurturing. I was recently in a meeting and must have pulled myself back 50 times, away from obsessing, into what was happening there and then. It's good training.

KINDLY pulled myself back, mind. It is what it is, I obsess. I don't want it, it's annoying, this is who I am at the mo. No chiding.

sonjadog I agree to a certain extent - when I am fully occupied at work and socially I think about him less - but it's still not a cure. So when something great happens, he is the first person I want to run to and tell (obviously I don't).

It's like my mind believes/wants him to be my bf and to care about me. I want to impress him and for him to be proud of me. It like he provides the backdrop to my life mentally - even though he isn't in it at all.

Same when something bad happens and I feel sad, I want to call him for comfort. I fantasise about him giving me a cuddle and making me feel better.

I agree springydaffs it's an obsessive addiction. I can't see a way out. It is like a dry drunk thing I think as I posted above. I haven't had any contact with him for ages -but he's still in my mind and heart and has been for years.

You'd think my mind would be bored of it by now but no such joy.

You've created a complete fantasy figure in your mind. I sincerely doubt that he is in any way worthy of this adulation.

You have try to stop thinking that is the natural order of things and that you are helpless in the face of his overwhelming charm. He doesn't want you OP. He's not secretly concealing his feelings and will come around to you in the end. He doesn't care about you enough. This is not about him, he's an object you've projected your issues, whatever they are, upon. You need to do some psychological work to find out what in your own mind is causing you to seek comfort in an obsession. You are suffering a delusion.

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but I think you need to hear it. It may come across as judgemental but I assure you I have done exactly the same as you and it is not healthy. Which you know but you keep trying to justify it.

When you are busy at work and something happens and you get the urge to run and tell him, what do you then do? Do you go tell someone else, go do something else or do you stop up and think about him and how you shouldn't be thinking about him? Because resistance to the thoughts is also emotion investment. Instead try for: I want to go see him, oh well, now on to that xxx (whatever you enjoy doing). Just let it wash over you.

Btw, there isn't a cure. It happens gradually over time and you will forget him whenever whatever you are missing in your life or in yourself is fufilled. He's a symptom not the cause.