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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

he is gone and I don't really know what to think

79 replies

colditz · 25/02/2007 07:25

I have another thread about him being arrested for debt. Well, dp is now gone kaput not living here any more

I am overwhelmed already.

I suppose I should have posted in lone parents

I have so many things to do - have to get the bills switched and will probably lose broadband but I shall see what I can afford first.

We are amicable now we have agreed he has to live somewhere else. But he was crying last night and I feel bad. I know I shouldn't, he really has deserved this and beyond, but still. I never want to make anyone cry.

I need to grow a shell. I need to pack his stuff. I need to sort out,...crap. Ugh. Am both apathetic and fucking terrified.

OP posts:

Original poster

colditz · 27/02/2007 18:55

He has moved into a bedsit and has been to and fro all day, moving his stuff.

he has also been in tears all day, on and off. God it's so fucking hard making him go when he doesn't want to, I don't really want him to, and ds1 is appalled but this is for the best. But we cannot carry on the way we were, and maybe while we are apart he might grow up a bit.

OP posts:

PersonalClown · 27/02/2007 19:05

Hey Colditz. This is all for the best now.
Given a bit of time, your head will start to clear, things will settle down and you can begin to assess your situation objectively.
This may be the kick up the arse he need to accept his responsibilities.
Everything is emotional now but you must stay strong, remind yourself of why this came about if you feel like backing down.
If in time you feel things have progressed enough then you may consider letting him back. It may not be permenant.
We are all here to offer support or a chat if you need it. Don't forget that.

PersonalClown · 27/02/2007 19:07

Oh forgot to add that I have been there with the crying bloke who didn't want to leave. I'm usually around if you need a chat.
Look after yourself and your LOs. PC x

Dior · 27/02/2007 19:08

Message withdrawn

DimpledThighs · 27/02/2007 19:12

colditz

I remember your other thread and I remember feeling so sad that everything was so stressful and so difficult for you - I also remember admiring you for the way you were dealing with it all - with more calm and panache than I imagine I would have.

I thought that again reading through this thread. It is hard but you are brave.

Okay - these are cliches and I hate cliches but these are good ones.

one day at a time (or when it's bad one hour at a time)

time heals (don't think too far ahead, keep yourself sane for now - the long term stuff can wait.)

life's a bitch (it is - sometimes it so is, but getting through makes you feel alive.)

best wishes - keep posting.

suejonez · 27/02/2007 19:14

I know what its like to walk away from someone you still love but can't live with anymore. Drink and soft drugs problem in my case. Not so complicated as no kids no marriage but its damned difficult to do what you know is the right thing when you still love them. I just got to the point where loving him wasn't enough and I woke up one morning and thought "I don't want my life to be like this".

I didn't live to regret it, I still love him and still prefer my life without him.

I hope in you case it proves to be a wake-up call for him.

sunchowder · 27/02/2007 19:15

Hey Colditz, I remember reading some threads long ago about his financial problems. You know you are doing the right thing in terms of having him be accountable for his behavior. The rest of your feelings are so understandable. He was a huge part of your life along with your dc's...try to be kind to yourself and come up with the support system you need to get through this. If he will come to see the children every day, that sounds like a good plan to keep them emotionally stable for now. I am very proud of you and will continue to be so even if it turns out that you are able to work things out. If he can sort out the finances that is....all the best to you.

zephyrcat · 27/02/2007 19:25

Colditz if this wasn't the right thing to do you wouldn't have even considered doing it. You have done the hardest part and from what you have posted I wouldn't be surprised if this is the kick up the arse that he needs to get a grip and sort himself out.

Original poster

colditz · 27/02/2007 20:32

God i hope so. i don't want this any more than he does, but he has finally stopped blaming me, so it must be doing him some good.

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shimmy21 · 27/02/2007 20:43

So sorry Colditz. But perhaps this way you are helping him more than anything you would have been able to do if he'd stayed. One day perhaps he may thank you as this is the brutal reality he needs to face and one day your children will thank you too.

Miaou · 27/02/2007 20:51

Colditz - you are a star. Be very proud of yourself for staying strong.

(have you stuck your mantra on the fridge yet?? )

mamama · 28/02/2007 04:35

Oh Colditz, I'm so sorry.

It is very scary to imagine life without your DP and, for me, it is the silly things that suddenly overwhelm me, like how I'll change the lightbulbs (I have ridiculously high ceilings so 4 rooms are only half lit because I can't reach to change them, grrr).

It is really hard to do this, especially when it is a necessity rather than what either of you want but you sound very strong.

Please accept any help you need - and take care of yourself. The DC will be ok as long as you are.

{hugs}

ghosty · 28/02/2007 05:39

Colditz ... missed this .... sending hugs from NZ {{{{{}}}}}

Flamesparrow · 28/02/2007 07:47

Colditz - nothing of use to say

Original poster

colditz · 28/02/2007 08:19

He stayed in his flat last night. I am really fucking tired. When he was on lates we used to take it in turns to get up with the kids, and ds2 gets up at 5:30, and still sometimes has a night feed.

I'm sure I'll get used to it - but I am still reallt tired now.

All his stuff is here in boxes.

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Miaou · 28/02/2007 08:28

Colditz - this is the hardest bit - when it's all still new and raw and you are having to make so many adjustments to your life, and it would be so easy to say "I forgive you, come back" - but once you get through this bit, things will get easier, I am sure of it.

DimpledThighs · 28/02/2007 09:24

take small steps - you are doing well.

Dior · 28/02/2007 09:32

Message withdrawn

Original poster

colditz · 28/02/2007 10:54

Stupid little things like - I have lost the electric card and until I find it, I can't buy any more electric! I'm so cross with myself.

OP posts:

DimpledThighs · 28/02/2007 10:59

don't be cross - all you have done is lost the electric card - those kind of things happen all the time.

Look for the card without being all down on yourself and telling yourself you are crap.

You. lost. something.

that is all.

Original poster

colditz · 28/02/2007 11:00

But I knew I would lose it, I said to myself "Must put this somewhere very safe" - so I did. It's so safe I can't find it!!

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anniemac · 28/02/2007 11:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Dior · 28/02/2007 13:15

Message withdrawn

Miaou · 28/02/2007 15:50

colditz - have you put it on top of the meter?

(and if not, do what anniemac says )

Original poster

colditz · 28/02/2007 16:01

No, I know the general area, but am very disorganised and I think it has slips below piles of ... crap!

I have ordered a new one. I still have £5 left on the meter, and some emergancy credit, so should be ok.

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