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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

he is gone and I don't really know what to think

79 replies

colditz · 25/02/2007 07:25

I have another thread about him being arrested for debt. Well, dp is now gone kaput not living here any more

I am overwhelmed already.

I suppose I should have posted in lone parents

I have so many things to do - have to get the bills switched and will probably lose broadband but I shall see what I can afford first.

We are amicable now we have agreed he has to live somewhere else. But he was crying last night and I feel bad. I know I shouldn't, he really has deserved this and beyond, but still. I never want to make anyone cry.

I need to grow a shell. I need to pack his stuff. I need to sort out,...crap. Ugh. Am both apathetic and fucking terrified.

OP posts:
NuttyMuffins · 25/02/2007 10:15

Colditz, you're thinking too much, hard not to do mind you.

It doesn't matter about the attic or the wheely bin, whatever happens you will deal with it, it will be fine and you will never give it a second thought again.

You will tire yourself out thinking of things that you can't do anymore or what needs doing that you don't normally have to do etc, just try and think about you and the kids for now. So long as you are all fed and warm nothing else really matters.

My xp went ages ago and I still haven't sorted my house out, but it's not a priority at the end of the day.

Oh and I know exactly what you mean about the lie ins, and stuff and it's not selfish to fell like that, it's perfectly normal.

You will be absolutly fine on your own, and fwiw i think you have done the right thing too.

Rhian101 · 25/02/2007 10:56

Just wanted to offer my support too. Really sorry it has come to this, but it does sound like the right decision. Just take things a day at a time, a job at a time, and things will get better.

Whether or not there is hope for the two of you down the line, he definitely needs this kick up the backside: You couldn't carry on as you were.

frenchconnection · 25/02/2007 11:12

Know what you mean, we are selling our house as splitting which means i will have to rent a house on benefits....
im not trying to belittle your problems but i wish i could just worry about the wheelybin! i have to sell this house by myself, find a rented one in a no doubt shitty area, arrange benefits and pack up a whole house by myself too. And i am only mid twenties, i feel too young for all of this!
But i am looking forward to being alone!

hope all goes ok for you.

BandofMothers · 25/02/2007 12:44

I had a friend in a similar sit, FC, and she couldn't get any benefits until she'd used all of the nest egg she got from selling her house!!!
Shit, but just thought I should warn you.
Colditz, you'll be fine.
Less mess to clean up.

fortyplus · 25/02/2007 12:50

You'll be fine, colditz. You feel bad at the moment because it seems to you that you've forced the issue, but it sounds as though he had plenty of opportunities in the past to mend his ways.

PeachyClair · 25/02/2007 12:51

Ah Colditz, sorry to hear this (shakes hand and avoids eye contact is a stoic fashion). Of course its terrifying- new things are, especially those you would never have chosen. Seems to me thogh you're more than strong enough, if you just give yourself time and space to adapt.

No idea about maggots- terrifed of them- thin layer of bleach or jeyes fluid in the bottom of the bin'd stop them surely??????

Give yourself time, space and lots of leeway hun, you'll cope. Somehow.

wannaBeWhateverIWannaBe · 25/02/2007 12:56

Colditz, am so sorry to hear it?s come to this.

You are not mad for still loving him after all this. When we love someone, we love them not only because of who they are, but in spite of who they are. Your dp isn?t all bad, it?s just that the bad things are overtaking the good at the moment.

If you don?t want it to be the end it doesn?t have to be. If you still love each other then this could be the wake up call he needs to realize what he has to lose if he doesn?t change his ways. If you want things to work between you then sit down and have a discussion about where you want things to be, that you want him to seak help for his money management problems, to prove to you how hard he is prepared to work to get you back. If he loves you, he will do whatever it takes not to lose his family.

If you keep communicating, things can work out for the best for you all.

Stay strong x

Sakura · 25/02/2007 13:03

Colditz, youre going to be fine. Like nuttymuffins said, just as long as your kids have a meal on the table, everything in the house can be put on hold. Just take every job step by step, perhaps make a list. I dont usually reply to threads that I know nothing about, but just want to offer my support.

Original poster
colditz · 25/02/2007 16:12

Have told him he is going to find somewhere else to live, and he can come and see the kids whenever he likes as long as I get a phonecall first, but they are not staying with him at all until he has a suitable place for them to sleep - ie his own flat.

His stuff is still here because he is homeless - he is scrapping round his mates looking for somewhere to stay for the night. I still want to maintain some sort of relationship with him - but not one where he lives in my house.

OP posts:
Original poster
colditz · 25/02/2007 16:15

cod, he was using fruit machines last year, but his income outgoing seems to have been quite balanced this past 6 months. But these aren't gambling debts, these are old driving offences that have escelated to the point where he owed over £1000 for them, then he got a ccj, and he didn't pay it, so they gave him and attachment to earnings, and he didn't pay that because he changed job, and so he was arrested on friday.

OP posts:
Original poster
colditz · 25/02/2007 16:16

he has been here since 10 am because it is his day off, but I have been out and been for a nap. He wants to come back to see the kids into bed.. is this a good idea, bad idea, what?

OP posts:
Original poster
colditz · 25/02/2007 16:17

Thank you for all the stoic regards

OP posts:
Dior · 25/02/2007 16:17

Message withdrawn

Original poster
colditz · 25/02/2007 16:22

No, they will be pleased. It is normal if he is here for him to help.

It honestly doesn't bother me if he wants to be here - but once they are in bed, we are having a chat about what is happening, then he is going.

OP posts:
fortyplus · 25/02/2007 16:58

Maggots in the wheelie bin...

If you wrap all your waste in plastic bags you shouldn't get them, but if you do just squirt them with fly spray.

Original poster
colditz · 25/02/2007 19:58

This is breaking my fucking heart and knowing it is for the best doesn't make it any easier. I hate this.

Over and out.

OP posts:
iris66 · 25/02/2007 20:32

colditz - breaking you heart it may be honey, but in the long term you will be stronger and your LOs will know what's what and have a better understanding of what constitiutes a proper relationship.. You are doing what you are for them as well as for yourself. There will come a point where you just have to get on with it irrespective of what you feel. You are more than capable of starting that process now. You can do it. you CAN. deep breath - do

Original poster
colditz · 25/02/2007 21:51

Have calmed myself a little now

We will still see him

I hate to see him in such a mess

But it's of his own making, and he must sort it himself.

OP posts:
PeachyClair · 25/02/2007 23:36

You know it MIGHT come right, if you still love him.

DH didnt leave the hosue when we were having problems, but I tried to make him often enough and I came close to having an affair. he had depression, but his financial mismanagement lost us our house and we have been in rented ever since- and will be always. But 4 or more years later we're OK again, I still have trust issues about the finances (though he's getting better fingers crossed) and other things that were depression related- like storming out suddenly, or walking off when we were out. But it CAN owrk out, and I think had DH left itn would have sorted itself much quicker, ybh- we needed space.

Aloha · 25/02/2007 23:39

I'm so sorry Colditz. It sounds really hard.

Original poster
colditz · 27/02/2007 07:41

Well, he went on Saturday

And now it's Tuesday

He's staying at his Aunty's, looking for a flat.

So I was strong and didn't let him come back

I am proud.

Even though I did walk around muttering 'He's brought this on himself, he's brought this on himself' all day.

OP posts:
iris66 · 27/02/2007 07:46

Well done you!! just keep holding onto that "he's brought it on himself" thought. Sounds like he's got a lot to make up for and prove to you (I haven't read your other thread) Hopefully he'll be man enough to put things right in time.
You sound like you're in a much better place now - and very strong. Have a good day

whiffywarthog · 27/02/2007 09:55

well done! i'm sorry, it is so hard isn't it?

Dior · 27/02/2007 16:34

Message withdrawn

Piffle · 27/02/2007 16:36

colditz so sorry it has come to this I know you have struggled on and off with dp for so long
Good luck honey xx

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