Suddenly single in your 30s - weekend loneliness

[stillsosad101]

Anyone else struggling with this?

H left me for OW and I just feel so desparately lonely. The first whirlwind of emotions has gone (or maybe not; I still cry a lot and well up randomly), but I am still so very sad about the whole thing that I can't seem to pick myself up. Weekends are the worst. All my friends (and I don't have many) are coupled up, most of them have young families and it's hard to get them to do something. No family closeby. I only know two single girls but they are much younger and tend to spend their weekends out drinking, which isn't my scene. Plus, I am their superior at work.

I realise that I relied a lot on h for company. We bought a house together the year we got married and did it up with a lot of hard work, lovely small box room for nursery included. We wanted children and used to talk about all the adventures we would have. And then he left, leaving me utterly floored. I am scared to put myself out there, scared to be on my own and scared never to have my own family. I seem to have forgotten how to be single, how to make friends. So I spend my weekends on my own, with only a bit of company here and there. It's a lot of time to think about why I wasn't good enough for him, whether I will be alone forever. It's driving me mad and I don't know how to turn off the analysing.

The weather is lovely today yet I am scared to just go for a walk on my own. I know this is pathetic, but has anyone got any tips? I am really starting to dread weekends.

I think pets are good as they force a routine too. I might not want to get out of bed but my cat will tell me otherwise on a Saturday morning.

I rescued two old cats and they are just chilled indoor cats who don't (seem to) judge me whether I'm having a good or bad day!

Dogs are lovely, but I could see a dog meaning that you had to spend a lot of time at home, when it would be nice for you to get out more. A cat, or better still a pair of cats, are very low maintenance. You can even go away for the weekend and leave them food and water out.

I think hill walking would be a good way to meet people and it sounds like you are well placed for finding a hill walking club

Check out a Beginners Running Club. There are a lot around at the moment based on the Couch to 5k (C25K) running programme. A brilliant sociable way to get into running. They are often on mid week but you tend ( talking from experience) to end up chatting to like minded local people and arrange to meet up for further runs in smaller groups at the weekend, grab a coffee afterwards etc. Can thoroughly recommend it.
And like a PP said, check out borrowmydoggy.com, lots of the benefits of having a dog without the commitment. Borrowers even end up having the dog to stay while the owner family go on holiday, away for weekends etc. Good luck! X

Progress so far:

Have created borrowmydoggy profile and there are indeed a few potential dogs to be borrowed near me.

Have joined two meet up groups near me. One is a very big general 'young professionals' socialising one, which I find a little daunting at the moment. The second one is a 'girls only' one connected to a hobby of mine. It's only 20 members at the moment but they seem very active. There are Sunday walks with lunch once a month and a regular midweek slot to work on the project. I think I'll pop along to their next meeting.

Yay me

Beginner's running club sounds great too.

You are brilliant x

Brilliant!

Excellent!!

Make sure you let us know how you get on!

Wow. You don't mess around! That is really inspiring.

How's your weekend going? x

Not read the whole thread yet, but I have been there. Have you thought of going to church on a Sunday morning? You don't have to be religious to go but it is quite good to be with other people, have a bit of singing and meditation. At the one I (sometimes - ok I've lapsed) there is a cuppa and biscuit afterwards. I thought I was mad to go to start with but it really helped me.

Other things you could do are join a book club, running club, etc. Something where you have something to do while interacting with others.

I am ok going to the cinema or theatre or on holiday on my own.

Good luck, and all the best.

Wow! Great advice here - mine doesn't seem quite so naff now. And so good to read such positive posts especially from OP.

I hope you are feeling better now. I'm just about to go through this and lose my home and most of our friends are mutual. I'm in a really bad way. How long did it take you to come
Out of the fog? X

Another one to endorse the doing stuff in a group approach, partly because a relationship ended just as all my friends were settling down and having kids, and partly because I am an introvert and too keen in my own company - the amount of time I was spending on my own probably wasn't healthy.

I had a bit of a false start - joined a photography class in the hope of meeting a bloke. So did the other ten women and one gay man in the group! Got over myself, made some new friends and learnt a new skill and stopped trying to orchestrate meetings with men and concentrated on me. Cycling has been a lifesaver for me - I originally bought a bike when I moved back to my hometown with poor public transport and no car. There are so many groups to choose from - British Cycling do social rides for women (called Breeze) or mixed groups, of all abilities, from a pootle along a canal path for a couple of miles, to a 50 mile run through the hills, and they are free! Decided I needed to know a bit more about them after a mechanical (although was able to jump on the train thankfully!) so did a maintenance course, and then another. It gets you out, other cyclists give you "the nod", and being able to fix a problem gives me so much confidence. Now I like them so much I go on group cycling holidays and work in the cycling industry!

I've also recently started lessons at a climbing wall, which I liked a lot more than I thought I would! It's pretty inclusive - you can self-belay but most people prefer a belay partner, even advertising for them on climbing forums, so plenty of chances to meet new people. There are also great outdoor courses at Plas y Brenin in Wales and Glenmore Lodge in Scotland which are perfect for single people - climbing, kayaking, hiking, mountaineering etc, and loads for beginners, with all food and equipment included if you need it (and awesome cake at PyB
!).

My point is, everything you do that takes you out of your comfort zone gives you a massive boost of confidence when you actually do it. When I was 28 I sat in an airport crying because I was about to go to Greece for a week with Explore and I was scared. I had the most amazing time, had a room mate I'm still in touch with, and have been away with Explore and Exodus several times now. Last year I ate in restaurants on my own for the first time (and rocked, if I say so myself). Take it all one step at a time, you'll gain confidence in leaps and bounds, and you won't recognise yourself. Now, I like my single life enough, that even though it would be nice to have someone, and have kids (although now a bit too old at 45), if none of that happens, there isn't a gaping chasm in my life, and I'm pretty happy.

Maybe consider AirBnB at weekends in your home.

I have friends who sail and that seems very sociable. Where I live groups do a daily or weekly sea swim and they seem to bond well. I keep meaning to do it. They say it has a really good effect on your life by making yourself brave to take on such a challenge. It would be a challenge where I live, it's usually cold.

For some people who like children maybe become a supporter for a child in care or do cover for foster carers once or twice a month.

Well done OP. I think it's time to change your user name.

stillsosad you sound amazing! You've thought of things and done them. Your life actually sounds really full, though I get that it doesn't feel like it.
I've been on my own just over a year. Initially I struggled with days by myself -now I crave them. I still see my closest friends with young children but it does mean I have to go to soft play etc! I was going to suggest church - so you always see people that love you. Is it worth looking for somewhere livelier even if its just for occasional Sunday nights? I have 2 cats that have really saved my mental health. I have complex chronic health needs affecting mobility and stamina so there's not much more I can manage but I have been to the theatre, to church conferences, and travelled on my own.
There are bad nights, of course there are, but as the months go by you will feel loads happier.

My DP was single for 10 years and really got into music. He attended open mic nights and then weekends were taken up either performing or watching his friend's bands. It's usually pub based so lots of interaction with others as well though the main group is lovely, friendly and welcoming and happy to share their skills. He attended open mic sessions on Sunday afternoons as well, so enough to fill up an entire weekend if he wanted.

ZOMBIE THREAD - a year old