Suddenly single in your 30s - weekend loneliness

[stillsosad101]

Anyone else struggling with this?

H left me for OW and I just feel so desparately lonely. The first whirlwind of emotions has gone (or maybe not; I still cry a lot and well up randomly), but I am still so very sad about the whole thing that I can't seem to pick myself up. Weekends are the worst. All my friends (and I don't have many) are coupled up, most of them have young families and it's hard to get them to do something. No family closeby. I only know two single girls but they are much younger and tend to spend their weekends out drinking, which isn't my scene. Plus, I am their superior at work.

I realise that I relied a lot on h for company. We bought a house together the year we got married and did it up with a lot of hard work, lovely small box room for nursery included. We wanted children and used to talk about all the adventures we would have. And then he left, leaving me utterly floored. I am scared to put myself out there, scared to be on my own and scared never to have my own family. I seem to have forgotten how to be single, how to make friends. So I spend my weekends on my own, with only a bit of company here and there. It's a lot of time to think about why I wasn't good enough for him, whether I will be alone forever. It's driving me mad and I don't know how to turn off the analysing.

The weather is lovely today yet I am scared to just go for a walk on my own. I know this is pathetic, but has anyone got any tips? I am really starting to dread weekends.

I booked myself onto a sort of activity/retreat holiday in Greece that was mostly singles and had the most amazing time EVER

CandleWithHair any chance of a link? I'd be really interested in a recommendation.

It's really
Lonely. I'm really
Lonely
It's horrid.

loneliness is just a thought. Are thoughts real?

for those of you that continue to feel lonely after all these years then crack on. What ever you're thinking Its obviously working for you. Personally I decided to change direction and think differently, but each to their own.

shatner oh yes, I do agree with that, I definitely still miss having someone around for the little things sometimes. But I think the principle of accepting yourself and loving yourself as you are can help stop those feelings sending you into a bigger downward tailspin.

What about getting a dog if your situation allows you to with work etc.

Not only would it be company for you (and won't answer back) you can get out and about without feeling weird walking on your own. Not only that I know of someone who met her OH on a dog walk - her dog went up to his and the rest is history! (Same happened to Davina McCall). If your circumstances don't allow then join a walking group or similar.

Hi OP. I found myself in your situation. I split up with a partner of several years, lost the mutual friends in the process- ended up coming home to my flat on a Friday night and often not seeing anyone of note (other than the takeaway delivery driver!!) til Monday morning. I used to really look forward to a Friday evening to unwind, bath, DVD etc and then on a Saturday morning wonder what the hell I was going to for the next 48 hours. Like you, single "friends" tended to be younger and from work and I didn't want to blur those lines.
When I got my head together, I would have Friday night takeaway and DVD time, and then on a Saturday morning do a 9am gym class (sometimes two!) and maybe a spa treatment at the gym and go home after lunchtime feeling good. A walk, out for a coffee, a groupon for a haircut or a bit of shopping and home at 6 or 7. Book and bed. Keep your mind and your body busy. I felt a lot happier in my own skin and with myself with a bit of exercise and fresh air. Eventually I tried online dating and met my husband. A few years down the road and 1DD with another on the way and I'm glad I was able to have that time to myself!! Wouldn't mind a flat on my own some days!!! Good luck OP.

I was single for 5 years from divorce at 27ish to meeting someone new at 32. Married again and had first child at 35. But yes, those years were lonely and uncertain place, wondering if I'd ever have the family life I'd imagined. To be honest, i think it's the not knowing what the future holds that is the worst. I mean, if someone told you that in 5 years you'd be with someone new, with a child or children and totally bogged down with no time to yourself, you'd not waste time wallowing feeling lonely: you'd be squeezing every minute out if your last years of free and independent living!

It's hard to get your head around it though. Like you, weekends were the worst for me, when all my peers were focussed on their families (as I am now).

I did eventually develop some weekend habits though. My favourite was a Sunday morning -gym trip doing only the exercise I genuinely enjoyed, time in the sauna, relaxed with no time pressure, then to the cinema to watch exactly what I fancied on my own (daytime much less intimidating than night time and a few people on their own). Saturdays were usually pottering around doing housework. I also started a book group which, although we met during the week, meant i was usually trying to catch up with reading. If I could live it over again this is what I'd do:

Learn a language
Learn to play an instrument
Go to an adult art class

Uncertainty, procrastinating and just waiting meant I kind of wasted this opportunity.

Op do you have a local Park Run? They run in parks (obv!), on Saturday mornings usually, so it would meet your wish to be more active and they cater for all abilities! And running can be very mood lifting as well.

Also your local gym (can be the local authority one, doesn't have to be super expensive) may run various yoga, dance, fitness classes etc on Saturdays - or have a look for martial arts classes on Saturday afternoons? Or group tennis lessons? (yes I know it's January, but you'd be surprised...)

I know you say music groups rehearse mainly weekday evenings but the performances may be Saturday evenings with all day rehearsals? Or, more and more places seem to be doing 'come and sing' things where you rehearse during the day and then perform on the Saturday evening.

So sorry you're having a difficult time - I know 'getting out and doing things' isn't the whole answer but once you are out and out things can sometimes grow from there.

trills sure! It's called Skyros

It's exactly as much, or as little, of an activity holiday as you want it to be. The cross section of guests when I was there was fantastic, from 22 right up to late 60s. Because of the kind of holiday it is, it obviously only attracts like minded people so I guarantee that if you like the sound of it you WILL have a blast and make some fab new friends! I'm still in touch with many of them :)

Sorry you're feeling like this OP

I know you said crocheting isn't that sociable but there's loads of 'knit & natter' type groups about, what about looking near you?

If having a dog is a bit tricky you could volunteer as a dog walker for Cinamon Trust, they're always looking for volunteers! They support elderly & disabled people who can't get out to walk their dogs, it's a great organisation :)

Pets can be good company. They give love unconditionally and don't judge. Maybe a pair of kittens or a rescue dog (an older dog who would not mind being left whilst you are at work).

Another suggestion - have you thought of getting a lodger, maybe just for a short time? Not with a view to making a friend of them, but just having someone else around might make the weekends less quiet?

Feel you - loneliness is hard. One trick that can help is to make a plan for the weekend during the week while you are busy and around people. Then when you wake up on Saturday morning you just put it into action, rather than have to make decisions and motivate yourself.

And definitely don't feel bad about doing things on your own - I sometimes prefer to go to the cinema on my own, or to art galleries or whatever if I want to really concentrate. People don't know if you have a partner at home or not, even if they are thinking about it, which they mainly aren't.

About what noego said, don't knock it if you ain't tried it.

I spend a lot of time on my own too and it can be v hard. What about joining or hosting a book club or a supper club if you like cooking? Join an amateur dramatics society, they tend to be good fun, a choir ( you could volunteer to play music for them if they needed that? )

There's also a place I go to regularly with lots of single pp your age, it's down in Dorset and is a 'spiritual community' ( but not religious ), May not be your own thing but check out their website it's a lot of fun and v friendly!

( Will post a link )

I'm single and thirties, divorced 5 years ago, and absolutely not lonely. After 3 years spent dancing nearly every night, from the sheer joy and relief of having my own life back, and then a year travelling the world (alone, not an issue at all), I actually relish the fact that I have my evenings and weekends to myself, to putter around as I please.

Of course, I have built up enough of a social network so that I don't go loopy: we are, after all, social beings. But I just wanted to say that it's not being alone at home on evenings and weekends, or alone going to the cinema or to the ends of the earth, that is the killer. That is actually super easy, if you know how to use your own time to do stuff that you truly like. As long as you have enough good friends and time spent with good people who like you for who you are, you will not be lonely.

It's an investment, and it will take a little bit of time, as you transition from "coupled up" to "rocking the awesome friendships with people you aren't currently sleeping with". I started by throwing Sunday brunches for everyone I could think of who seemed friendly, and speaking to everyone I met at the dog park, and it just grew from there.

You can totally do it. You will get there. It will be fine.

xxx

Here you go!

osholeela.uk

I would suggest looking at your local meet ups online. There are different groups in different areas. My local clubs include a social group that organise walks, nights out at the pub, going to pub quizzes, see bands in pubs, meals out. Another group is a book club that meets once a month.

I joined a cycling club, which lead me to another cycling club, which means a social ride x2 and a tea stop for chat, I live the gym but find the club more socially active.

I've made friends at the book club, which means more friends for social coffees at weekends

I very made single friends my own age at the social club and again either can go to events or meet friends for drinks.

It has taken time and effort but it's nice to have friends to meet up with and arrange things, if I want.

I second looking for groups to join, OP. Maybe a walking group or a book group? It seems to be more common these days to find some of the above aimed at younger people too (though there's obviously nothing wrong with older people). Do you have friends who live further away from you? Go for the odd weekend away to spread out the lonelier weekends. When I was reluctantly single I used to go out to places on my own, but sometimes ring someone when I was walking (usually, ahem, my lovely father, now departed) - again, it made me feel a bit like I wasn't on my own and broke up the time when I was.

I've been on my own for 5 years now. It does take time to plan lots of activities which you like, but the end result is really worth it. Remember you can do whatever you like now with no restrictions. Going out on your own is really not an issue - never occurred to me that it would be.

FWIW neither I nor my several friends who have been long term single, would ever choose to live with anyone else again. You're only lonely if you think that way. The flip side is you can relish your freedom and peace and quiet and I do!

Wow, I didn't expect so many replies. It's lovely to read so many encouraging stories too. Will try to reply to some suggestions:

pets - I would love love love a dog. I look after a friend's every now and again. Is it really managable with work though? I usually leave the house by 6.45am and, most days, I am not back til about 5pm. I grew up with cats and like them too. Will look into Cinnamon Trust.

clubs - I play in an orchestra and learn a language. Both during the week and I love it. Will look into something active for the weekend. Or maybe a bookclub? MeetUp around here is a little dead...I live on the Devon/Cornwall border. Maybe I should start something?

weekends - I will start planning them better I think. I am absolutely fine with lazy Friday nights at the moment. If I am still awake by 10pm, I am doing well. Work is tiring. I would like to find something regular for a Saturday to meet people and broaden my social circle. I go to church on Sundays. Lovely community but mostly oldies. Maybe I could take myself off to the local pub afterwards for some lunch. With a nice magazine or book.

trips - a group trip sounds lovely. Will definitely look into it for the summer holidays.

I don't actually mind being on my own in the evenings that much if I had a full day. It's just that Saturday morning feeling of having to fill the weekend that I don't cope with very well at the moment.

I will work harder to instill some fun back into my life :)

Anything in your area here op, if you could envisage running that is? (I'm not an expert in south west geography!)

www.parkrun.org.uk/events/events/

I would love love love a dog. Is it really managable with work though?

Yes.
Although it is a good idea to budget for a dog-walker who can walk your dog midday while you are still at work.

Honestly, if my experience is anything to go by, your social life with explode with options once you have a dog. Because you will meet every single other person in your neighbourhood who also has a dog, some of these people will be just your kind of person, and nothing bonds people together quite like braving the cold and dark together every day, twice a day!

I realised before Christmas I needed to sort out my social life as I was bored of being lonely at the weekends.

I joined a local meet up group in December. Since then I have been to weekly pub quizzes, met up for board games evenings, and now have a couple of acquaintances/friends that I text during the day and have met up with 1 on 1 at the weekends for brunch/drinks.

I already feel happier/less lonely :)

Set up your own club and then it can be whenever you want. Our book club has an evening meet and a Saturday morning coffee morning.