Suddenly single in your 30s - weekend loneliness

[stillsosad101]

Anyone else struggling with this?

H left me for OW and I just feel so desparately lonely. The first whirlwind of emotions has gone (or maybe not; I still cry a lot and well up randomly), but I am still so very sad about the whole thing that I can't seem to pick myself up. Weekends are the worst. All my friends (and I don't have many) are coupled up, most of them have young families and it's hard to get them to do something. No family closeby. I only know two single girls but they are much younger and tend to spend their weekends out drinking, which isn't my scene. Plus, I am their superior at work.

I realise that I relied a lot on h for company. We bought a house together the year we got married and did it up with a lot of hard work, lovely small box room for nursery included. We wanted children and used to talk about all the adventures we would have. And then he left, leaving me utterly floored. I am scared to put myself out there, scared to be on my own and scared never to have my own family. I seem to have forgotten how to be single, how to make friends. So I spend my weekends on my own, with only a bit of company here and there. It's a lot of time to think about why I wasn't good enough for him, whether I will be alone forever. It's driving me mad and I don't know how to turn off the analysing.

The weather is lovely today yet I am scared to just go for a walk on my own. I know this is pathetic, but has anyone got any tips? I am really starting to dread weekends.

I think if you can afford a dog walker then having a dog is a great idea, and as a PP said is great for getting you out of the house and chatting with other dog owners.

If you have to travel for work or anything though, or value the ability to just decide to pop off after work to do something and not go home, a cat might be a better option.

I am in my 40s and am happily single (with a FWB who I see every couple of weeks) but I think if I didn't have my cat, I would feel lonely coming home to nobody. I do travel a lot but cat sitters are relatively cheap and cats are a lot more self sufficient than dogs (I still feel guilty sometimes though! But I can't get a second cat to keep her company as she doesn't like other cats!)

Many thanks to other PPs for those links. Going abroad is something I haven't done as a single except for going to a friend's destination wedding. I'm happy doing stuff like going to the cinema on my own but foreign travel is always more fun as a shared activity, I think. An activity holiday could be just the ticket :)

Hi OP - I'm in a very similar boat!

I'm 30 and I was married just over a year before my OH left me. There was an OW but he didn't end up with her as he realised too late he'd made a mistake.

I struggled a lot - when I think back to myself this time last year I was so depressed on weekends! But I forced myself into new things and I am so glad I did!

I reached out to some acquaintances who became great friends. Went on a city break with one of them. I did a yoga course that was on a Sunday evening. I then joined a fitness group which has been a life saver! I do a class on an evening 6-7 usually which by the time I get home and have my dinner I'm relieved to have some time to sit and watch a bit of TV or read before I go to sleep. It's also made me lots of new friends and I've had some great nights out because of it.

On weekends I do my fitness class on a Saturday morning - then try to keep myself busy with food shop/ housework and try to arrange to meet friends for lunch or visit them and their babies. On Sundays I make myself go to a coffee shop with my book - just to get myself out of my flat!

I do still get lonely on weekends but I'm definitely coping a lot better with it than I did a year ago!

I'm dabbling with online dating again - but I'm much stronger with it than I was last year when I was probably a bit more desperate!

It's rubbish. I was mostly single through my twenties and remember the Saturday morning feeling well. I remember having to bite my tongue when a good friend said she couldn't see me as weekends were for her and her partner.

My strategies for coping were having at least one thing organised even if it was just a coffee with someone and then over time developed my own routine. Even if you aren't a massive runner, most running clubs have some sort of Sat or Sun morning running event and cycling clubs are similar. The other thing I did was learn how to climb and then another girl from my class (also single) and me used to regularly go either on a Friday night or Sunday afternoon. The location was an absolute pain for me, but took about four hours out of my day. Hot yoga was another good one as classes are an hour and a half and where I was, most people went outside for 5 mins to cool off and I chatted to people there.

Half the battle is getting enough interaction with others over the weekend even if it's just chatting to someone at the gym or in a shop (the Reiss staff were always up for a good natter). It worked well for them as I always ended up buying more than I expected, but felt like I had spent way more time shopping than I had.

How about www.borrowmydoggy.com/ ?

Do some dog walking (when it's convenient), meet other dog walkers, etc

Depending on the cash flow situation Exodus and Explore do really good group holidays which are a mixture of single people and couples (some couples are mates rather than romantic). I've been on them by myself, with my mum and with a partner and had so much fun. They do specific singles departures too if you prefer, it's not a dating thing, it's just a really interesting and diverse group of people to explore with.

Re being self conscious going out by yourself, as you say it's tempting just to focus on the couples. There are a LOT of single people around. Most people are glued to their phones instead of talking to each other anyway! If you look around you'll be surprised I'm sure.

I looked into Exodus once. Way out of my price bracket.

Hi op. It's a pretty horrible feeling but it does get less lonely
I was in the same situation as you a few years ago and I broke up with someone after he broke my heart. Felt so low, teary,angry, unwanted etc BUT I was "free" from a person who I now know was so not right for me (or good to me)
Oddly when this happened , loads of my friends used to confide in me saying how they wish they could walk away etc as the spark had gone from their relationships but said they didn't have the guts!!!! So sad that people can't be by themselves instead of staying in a dysfunctional relationship!
My point is you never know what goes on behind closed doors and ironically a lot of folk would be envious that you can do whatever the fuck you want right now! Plus if you're happy in your own company it says a lot about you as a person
I did it for a year or so, became a total ice queen round men for fear of getting hurt again and then when I least expected it, met a man who has completely shown me what it should be like to be in a happy and loving relationship .
Take each weekend as it comes, plan some things to look forward to and don't be too hard on yourself xx

I went away on my own with Intrepid travel to Vietnam! I had a great time! I've booked to go away in the summer to a European city on my own, and I'm looking at another Intrepid trip too. I wouldn't have imagined doing this before but it's great to have something to look forward to!

www.gadventures.co.uk/

This is the company I've had a solo holiday with (as part of a group trip)

Around here a few groups go hill walking at weekends. Know people who've done it and find it very sociable as well as fitness. They've made good friends, and some have found partners there.
5 months is very short time so go easy on yourself. I would definitely make a plan for the summer though, travelling, volunteering something new. Mind yourself.

Would a walking group or something similar suit you, Op, even if the group was based a little further afield, you may be able to travel to walks. Most do Sunday walks. Or maybe cycling - DH and I got bikes last year and I am hoping to join a group this year, if I can get some practice in.

I am now in my 50s and been married for 20 yrs, but was single through my 20s, meeting DH just after my 30th, married 3 yrs later, 1st DC a year after that.

I do still remember the loneliness of weekends, although I did join social groups to give me a means of meeting people and having weekend activites. I was in Rotaract (junior Rotary) for a while, plus a YHA local group, which had midweek social meetings and weekend walks. There's also something called ladies circle, which is the ladies version of round table I think, doing charity and social events.

I think someone else had it spot on further up thread, when they said it is the uncertainty that makes it lonelier - if you could see how your life may be in 5yrs, you would probably make more effort. I can certainly resonate with that, and, having now got 2 teenagers, wish I had made more of my single days, particularly to walk and travel!

I have, in the past couple of years, been on a couple of walking holidays in UK run by HF holidays. They also do activity breaks, which may tie in with your musical interests, and holidays abroad. They are a mixture of singles and couples and I have met some lovely people on each break. They have a good website with lots of info.

OP I have a BF and I'm still lonely LOL I live in a new country so only have a few friends. Please don't think you are the only one. As you get older, it's so normal not to have lots on. Before I met my BF I was even lonelier, I love exercise so I'd go for runs during the day. I find planning ahead helps, even if it's not with people. Plan a hair cut, shops, cleaning, gives you a structure so you know why and what you are waking up for. I recently got a dog who is my everything but definitely am very restricted now. I'd hold off if I were you as I think soon you will be wanting to do some travelling etc.

Hi OP. I really feel for you. The exact same thing happened to my brother a few years ago and he said the worst thing was suddenly realizing how much he relied on ex wife's company.

My advice

1. Get a cat. Changed my life when I was lonely living far from home. Love the creature more than most people. Low maintenance.
2. Join the gym or start some kind of physical activity like running or swimming or even a tram sport. It helps focus your brain,gives you time to think and gets you out of the house. Good for your health as an added bonus.
3. Join Facebook and look for social groups in your local area. They always have listings of local activities and events, I.e local book groups, etc.
4. Treat yourself to some nice new things, be they clothes or household things. It will make you feel better to have new things without the attachment of your husband's memory.
5. Do some low key volunteer work at s local food bank. This one may not be for everyone but it helped my brother feel like he could get some perspective as well as making him feel genuinely good about helping people who really need it.

Best of luck to you. You sound like a lovely person.

Carrying on the volunteering theme, if you are interested in dogs (or other animals?) could you help at a rescue centre, maybe walking the dogs, or helping out generally. Or even a private kennels might need dog walking volunteers?

My DS volunteered at an RSPCA centre when he was interested in being a vet. They particularly wanted help at weekends and he did a Sunday morning.

Offer to babysit your friends kids for a couple of hours in the daytime. They will love you for it.

Why would she want to do that, Meandyou72? That's the last thing most people would want to do. It's adult company she wants, isn't it?

Was about to say the same Blether. And I know many single women for whom that would just be rubbing salt into the wound.

This may sound bonkers to others but for me, joining a choir saved my sanity when I was in a similar position.

I ended up joining a church choir of a high standard, so that we had long rehearsals, Sunday services and lots of additional concerts throughout the year. Certainly kept me busy from outset! As a former professional musician I needed something that was fairly high octane with a high turnover of music and this was perfect.

The other choir members were SO welcoming and we always go out for drinks after rehearsals. The older ladies in particular were wonderful and all made such an effort to include me and look after me. When you're feeling fragile & unsure of yourself, having a gaggle of 'bonus mums' is brilliant.

They also have sons that they'll desperately want to fix you up with

It's been 3 years, and this weekend I'll be childless and on my own, which is a rarity... And I'm dreading it. No idea what I'll do to drown out the silence!

I have been in your situation OP.
I got a Saturday (and sometimes Sunday) lunchtime job in my local pub. I told people I was saving up the extra money to go on a special holiday (which was sort of true - but mainly I just didn't want time hanging on my hands at the weekend.) I enjoyed it and I met a new man through one of the pub regulars.

Same position but just one month in. I've been very happily single before, travelled on my own all round the world.

But this time I just don't want to, I feel I've been there done that and not I'm back at square one with no choice.

I'm 35 and just wanted a relationship and kids now. I took myself shopping on Saturday and Sunday and dragged myself to the pub but I find nothing is bringing me any joy. Oh except my cats, they help a lot

Thanks, everyone, taking note. I totally understand the singing - I love my choir!

I am not sure about the babysitting though. I think it would just show me what I haven't got at the moment.

There seems to be a general cat theme going on . I am seriously considering it.

Looking outside yourself to make you happy will not work. It will satisfy you temporarily. To deal with this state of mind you need to understand what the mind is doing to you.
You need to understand that loneliness is only a thought. This loneliness thought can be seen, observed and not believed in.
Slow down, look and see this loneliness thought, is just that a thought. It is unreal.

I don't imagine babysitting would be especially fun, unless you really enjoy the company of small children.

Echoing what an earlier poster said, I got a weekend job in a shop as I couldn't stand being alone after a breakup , Sunday's were the worst. Kept me busy but was different from normal work to be refreshing in a way , and stopped me moping and feeling wretched .
good luck ... .'This too will pass '