Dealing with being a huge disappointment to my parents

[jk59120]

I'm in my mid 20s. I have no friends and I haven't had any since primary school. I don't even have acquaintances. Spend most of my time alone doing a fair bit of sport and watching films. No friends means that I've never had a relationship and I've accepted that I'm not going to have children. I'm ok with that. I work in completely unskilled job even though I did well at school but I earn enough to support myself so that's fine. I've never wanted to travel or have a flash car or anything that costs a lot of money.

I'm struggling with my parents being disappointed in me and the pressure from them to change my life. They don't do anything horrible but it's the topic of conversation all the time. They're forever sending me messages about clubs and evening classes, buying job guides, forwarding applications, pushing me about changing jobs, getting a career, giving me pep talks, 'when you get married/have kids...' ... It's just the overwhelming message of 'get a life' and 'you're not good enough as you are' even though they never say that. I've told them that I'm happy but they say I'll regret wasting my life one day and I'd be happier with friends and a more fulfilling job.

I completely understand why they're disappointed in how I've turned out. My life isn't something anybody aspires to for their children. But their attempts at helping me to change are affecting my relationship with them. I don't want to see them or answer the phone or reply to messages because it quickly turns to life advice. Also, it's pretty upsetting that they don't just accept me how I am. I know it's because they care about me and I just have to put up with it, don't I?

OP, I think you are looking at this the wrong way round. It is not up to you to deal with your parent's disappointment, it's up to them. You are a fully functioning, independent adult living a happy life. That should be enough.

Perhaps you could talk to them, tell them how you feel about your life and ask them what they are worried about. Good luck.

I'm sorry you're going through this, op. I too have a parent who I will never be good enough for. Ever.

What has helped me was seeing that it is only my opinion that matters when it comes to my happiness. Clear boundaries were put in place with DM, which she did not respect. For instance, she would continue to say things that I explained were causing me hurt. Ultimately, I now have no contact with her, but she is extremely narcissistic.

Would you feel comfortable telling your parents very clearly how they are making you feel and that you are unwilling to tolerate it anymore?

Would you feel an urge to ramp up the pressure do you think, if you found a partner and had DCs?.

I'm not sure I would. I guess you don't know until you're there but I like being able to do my own thing. That's what always strikes me when people at work talk about their relationships. So much compromise. I think I like the idea of a relationship more than I'd like actually being in one.

There's a big difference with accepting and being content with your life as it is now and having a fulfilling life you'd aspire to.

I guess it's the difference between having dreams and daydreaming! I think that it might be nice to date somebody and maybe we'd go to X or do Y or I could buy her Z... If I really wanted to do it, I could sign up to online dating or check out the scene or reach out to my best friend from primary school who's also a lesbian and very involved with the community/scene. But I don't.

Thank you all for your advice/stories/etc. It's given me some stuff to think about. Appreciate it :)

Would you feel comfortable telling your parents very clearly how they are making you feel and that you are unwilling to tolerate it anymore?

Nah. I know they don't mean any harm and I guess it wouldn't make a difference if they stopped the trying to be helpful suggestions. I'd still know that that's what they're thinking and hoping. Just have to let it wash over me.

jk they don't know how lucky they are.

Between me and my siblings my parents have had teen pregnancy, forced hospitalisation, court, jail, overdoses.

Not all courtesy of me but I could go on.

I think you sound great OP.

But I don't think (to me) that your parents are disappointed in you insomuch as they want "more" for you. From an interpersonal point of view.

They probably see that you're a happy and contented person and want you to share it with someone worthwhile.

So without saying "Hey, I know X, I gave her your number," they're steering you toward these activities.

Being happy with yourself is the most important thing, though. I agree.

Your choices are unusual, OP, but you are very convincing. Good on you.

I've been a bit like your parents. My dd had friends but was never interested in making friends in her activities and I spent my entire time trying to convince her to play with the other children during these activities. I feel like such a fool. I was projecting so much of my own childhood interests onto her without recognising and accepting who she is.

Can anyone here really say, hand on heart that they'd be happy and not try and encourage their DC's to have a better lifestyle than this?

I really hope that when my DC are grown I will know them well enough to know what would make them happy, not me.

But I bet no one would hope for this kind of lifestyle for their children?

Why not?

What's wrong with it?

That's what I always think, UnbornMortificado. I was a pain in the arse at infant school but I haven't given them a minute of trouble since.

Can anyone here really say, hand on heart that they'd be happy and not try and encourage their DC's to have a better lifestyle than this?

But for how long? I dropped out of university at 18 after six months and I understood their suggestions then because I didn't know what I was going to do. Now I've been in my job for six years. Surely sooner or later you just accept that actually, she probably is happy or she would've changed something by now?

They say I'll regret it but having no friends throughout my teenage years, I didn't do a lot of the standard teenage stuff, school trips, parties, gigs, proms, award evenings, holidays, theme parks, days out in town ... I was enrolled at university for six months but didn't really attend or do any of the social stuff. Obviously I can't get any of that back but that's fine with me.

I meant to say that I don't regret not doing any of the teenage stuff. Maybe I'll wake up 30 years from now and say 'I wish I'd gone to prom' but I feel like I can't waste my life worrying that maybe one day in the distant future I'll regret my decisions. Right now, I'm happy with them.

If you're happy with where you are in life then that's a truly marvellous thing, OP. We're all conditioned to want more, chase more, look forward to when we have x, y and z.
Nothing at all wrong with leading a solitary life if you are content and secure. Your parents need to accept that their happiness measuring stick is not the same as yours.

My parents are a bit like this op. I just repeat like a broken record the same phrases "I'm happy at work", "that hobby isn't for me", "my home is fine" etc etc. It's hurtful though isn't it? My dm is always telling people I work in fashion when all I do is work in the clothing department of a supermarket. I also have siblings who are professionals with big houses and cars I think my parents are baffled that you can be happy without these things.

I suppose parents worry for when they're not around for their children anymore. I imagine it makes the prospect much easier to handle if they know their offspring are settled with their own partners, children or have a network of close friends.
I can see why your parents try to encourage you to be sociable whilst understanding that you can't see any personal benefit as you are happy as you are.
You are unlikely to convince them that you are content as you are. I think you're probably going to have to it up with it.

jk you sound lovely.

I have a 12 year old DD and I would be over the moon if she grew up into someone like you

All I want for my DD's is for them to be happy, I realise losing a child might put it into perspective a bit more in my case. A life I possibly don't understand but filled with content is better then no life.

Hope that last bit made some sense.

I'm not such an extreme introvert as you jk59120 but not that far off. I'd rather stay home than go out and "socialise" any day.

The world finds it very hard to accept that some people are happy and content with their own company and a modest lifestyle. We are conditioned to think there is something wrong with us if we don't seek constant external stimulation.

It took me a long time to allow myself to not go along with societies expectations an allow myself to be happy just being me.

Carnaby it's odd to worry that for a daughter though when you think of it. I know the OP is lesbian but on the whole women tend to enter long term relationships with men their own age or older. So statistically the man is most likely to deteriorate first. So hoping for your daughter to marry, for when you're not there for her is basically hoping that when she is older and more fragile she'll be taking on caring responsibilities for someone heavier and stronger, probably without decent state support.

My gran cared for my grandad way beyond the age when she should have been lifting anyone into bed. Same for my best friends grandparents, same for DH's. Honestly, they would have been better off physically and often mentally without their husbands once past 70 or so. And the kids are often not local or just not inclined to help.

The OP is in her 20s. If she wants someone for companionship in old age she'd be better off (selfishly) leaving it for at least a decade and then hunting for someone a decade or two younger.

There's a book called 'Quiet - the power of introverts in a world that can't stop talking.' Might be worth reading.

For work the other day I had to look up some personality profiles. There was one aimed at school children and it classified being quiet and preferring your own company to being unpleasant and untrustworthy. I was shocked. Loads of really negative and incorrect assumptions were being made on character stemming from someone being withdrawn. It must be hard work having to reassure people and explain that you're fine all the time.

I know how you feel op. I just dont buy this concept that we need a partner or well paying job to be happy. Sometimes the best things in life are like mastering a hand stand

And fwiw.. u love my own company too. After friends have let me down i feel very happy in my skin.