Dealing with being a huge disappointment to my parents

[jk59120]

I'm in my mid 20s. I have no friends and I haven't had any since primary school. I don't even have acquaintances. Spend most of my time alone doing a fair bit of sport and watching films. No friends means that I've never had a relationship and I've accepted that I'm not going to have children. I'm ok with that. I work in completely unskilled job even though I did well at school but I earn enough to support myself so that's fine. I've never wanted to travel or have a flash car or anything that costs a lot of money.

I'm struggling with my parents being disappointed in me and the pressure from them to change my life. They don't do anything horrible but it's the topic of conversation all the time. They're forever sending me messages about clubs and evening classes, buying job guides, forwarding applications, pushing me about changing jobs, getting a career, giving me pep talks, 'when you get married/have kids...' ... It's just the overwhelming message of 'get a life' and 'you're not good enough as you are' even though they never say that. I've told them that I'm happy but they say I'll regret wasting my life one day and I'd be happier with friends and a more fulfilling job.

I completely understand why they're disappointed in how I've turned out. My life isn't something anybody aspires to for their children. But their attempts at helping me to change are affecting my relationship with them. I don't want to see them or answer the phone or reply to messages because it quickly turns to life advice. Also, it's pretty upsetting that they don't just accept me how I am. I know it's because they care about me and I just have to put up with it, don't I?

Your parents' desires on your behalf are not your responsibility. Though you might feel better if you have a one-off discussion about it to make sure they understand you. In case they've confused what they want with your happiness, tell them you're happy. You enjoy your own company, enjoy your pursuits, enjoy the lifestyle you live, have no money problems and that if you felt dissatisfied, you'd have the energy and commitment to make changes. But you don't.

Once they know, clearly, then leave them to it. If you're genuinely happy, keep going. And allow new possibilities in from time to time, as anyone would, so that if the opportunity for friendships or travel or promotion came up and you wanted to, you could. As PPs said, there's no single recipe for happiness. Certainly happiness is never found by pretending to fit in for the sake of others.

I suppose that's the bottom line. I can tell them I'm happy until I'm blue in the face but I can't make them be happy for me. Just makes me feel crappy that I know they're feeling stuff like some people on this thread have said, worried sick, sad that I've turned out how I am, stressing about if I'll be ok when they're gone...

Tell them next thing they suggest 'I don't need to do a course. I'm happy and satisfied with my life.' Just be honest and tell them. Tell them you measure success in terms of happiness and not how much stuff you have/what holiday you take/how many friends you have. You like your life the way it is.

x post! Are they really 'disappointed' though? Or just making assumptions you want things to be different, when you don't? The only way they'll know is if you're straight with them about how you feel your life is. You can drop it into conversation and not be direct about it if you like.

I'm absolutely shocked by some of these replies. Suggesting an introvert has Aspergers and they need to see a therapist? Have you ever considered that not everybody enjoys the same lifestyle as you?

Op as long as you are genuinely happy, that's all that matters. Ignore some of these ignorant replies.

the thing is you are not happy. You are saying you are happy but at the same time the things that you are saying do not sound happy. Does that make sense?

What you do sound is safe.
You are in a situation where you have no risk of being hurt by other people. No awkward friendship issues to negotiate. no risky relationships. No difficult work things to manouvre. All safe.

And if the flipside of being safe is being alone then you see that as a fair exchange.

That is not the same as being happy.

x post! Are they really 'disappointed' though? Or just making assumptions you want things to be different, when you don't? The only way they'll know is if you're straight with them about how you feel your life is. You can drop it into conversation and not be direct about it if you like.

I have talked to them and they seem to think I'm in denial about how happy I am, which leads me to believe it's more about how they feel than how I feel. But it's probably worry as well as disappointment. I don't know.

Op as long as you are genuinely happy, that's all that matters. Ignore some of these ignorant replies.

Thanks :) I do totally understand where they're coming from; the exact same place as my parents! So I'd like to know if any of them could be convinced that I am genuinely happy.

the thing is you are not happy. You are saying you are happy but at the same time the things that you are saying do not sound happy. Does that make sense?

Not at all I feel happy. I don't dread getting out of bed in the morning or going to work. I completely understand that most people wouldn't aspire to my life because they personally would be unhappy with it but I don't want to trade my life for somebody else's either.

instead of focusing on that part of my post think about what else i've said.

I feel you OP. Being introverted is seen as an undesirable trait in our society and people who like their own company are seen as being a bit odd by others. I like my own company, but as I got older I became incredibly socially anxious as people do judge very introverted people. It's great that you don't have this problem.

Also, there's a huge pressure to be 'apsirational'. I couldn't give a toss. I own a house in a cheap area of the country and don't have a mortgage and have inexpensive tastes. I'm happy with that, but the pressure and judgment from others and pitying head tilts about the fact that I'm not ambitious and don't have a great career make me feel anxious because I don't want to explain myself. Frankly, why should I? It's really rude of them and none of their business.

Btw, my parents used to be ashamed of me and finally got over it once they accepted that my bipolar has made it very difficult to get a decent career. No emplyer wants someone who ends up in hospital ever couple of years and then needs months to recover and get back to normal.

Being highly introverted is really pathologised and I ended up being diagnosed with Avoidant Personality Disorder. However, I'm sure I wouldn't have if nobody thought my behaviour and attitude was 'normal'.

I haven't read all the posts OP, but some of them sound just like your parents .

I think it might be worth having a nice, mature chat about it to them, not unlike the way you have spoken on this thread. They might even be shocked to realise that their suggestions and attitude is having this impact on you. Most parents do want their children to be happy. And some parents (maybe quite a few) struggle to see that what they think would make their child happy is not the same for the child!

Once my teenage son said to me "Are you disappointed in me?" I felt momentarily v upset. I remember I just replied no, not disappointed but worried. However, it really brought home to me that I needed to be mindful not to put too many of my expectations on him when he was his own person.

I think if more of us did what genuinely made us happy, rather than what society, or our parents think, we'd all be happier!

Well, you've convinced me..... I think!
I guess it's just not the norm so people presume you must be lonely.
Most of my close friends who are single are not at peace with it and fill their time with friends.
Maybe your parents feel guilty as they fear you're not happy/lonely and blame themselves for it? Or is that being too generous?

instead of focusing on that part of my post think about what else i've said.

Sorry, didn't mean to ignore the rest of it. I don't really see a problem with a 'safe' life. I think it's perfectly possible to be happy and safe. To be happy with being safe. However you want to put it. I know that by risking being hurt, you potentially get the good parts of having people but if you don't want those things? If you're happy without, it's not necessary. I guess it's just down to whether you believe it's possible to be happy without companionship and challenge in your life.

Maybe your parents feel guilty as they fear you're not happy/lonely and blame themselves for it? Or is that being too generous?

Probably true. It just all comes down to the fact that I can't change how they feel.

You sound a lot like me, NightTerrier, glad you managed to get some understanding from your parents :)

but you said yourself that you would like a partner . You would like a partner but accept it won't happen.
The only reason it won't happen is because you are scared to make it happen.
In order to make it happen you would have to step outside your safe bubble and you don't think it's worth the risk despite the enormous advantages that you would gain from it.

It's fine to be an introvert-absolutely fine.

It's fine to enjoy your own company.

but I get the feeling that you have adopted this approach to life because you have had difficulties in the past and this way avoids those difficulties.

Your parent's job is to care for you. They can probably see that despite your protestations of happiness, that things aren't quite right and no matter how much you tell them you are happy they will continue to worry.

I don't see anything wrong in feeling safe and secure.

I don't get out much and my parents made my life miserable about my pfb by implying I was damaging him by not 'socialising' him enough. In reality? He's fine. I'm fine. Our family is fine!!

There is no one way to be happy. I'm sure it used to be much more accepted to not travel, not be particularly ambitious at work, just plod along enjoying the little things. Have no advice about how to handle your parents, sorry. But try not to let them get to you.

I'm not great at expressing myself. To me, it's like I wonder what sort of women would actually want to date me? Of course, I wonder what it's like to be intimate with somebody. Do I want to die a virgin? Not really. It's not that I'm lonely or want companionship or that it deeply bothers me that I've never had a relationship. More curiosity about what it's all like than anything.

This thread is ample explanation for how racism and intolerance exists. People are fucking terrified of people being different. If you are, you must need "fixing".

You sound great, OP. Your life wouldn't necessarily work for me but it does for you so more power to you. Have a lovely time and don't worry about your parents.

jk59120, I met DH at work and we've been together for about 9 years. He's also an introvert, but more outgoing than I am and in many ways that's good for me. He accepts the way I am, but also encourages me to be more sociable.

I find that people come along when you least expect them and aren't interested in relationships.

You're a lot younger than I am (I'm 40). So, there's plenty of time for your parents to accept you. Fwiw I don't see anything wrong with the way you are.

Some people seem to derive self esteem from being able to one-up people based on their children's acheivements. It's a reflection on them as people and as parents. It seems very shallow to me.

OP, I think you sound happy. Contented. You've created a life that suits you. Which is a lot more than many people can or do. But one thing that bothers me is that you make statements in defeatist terms: 'I've accepted that I'm not going to have children' (despite being only in your twenties) and unable to have a relationship because you're in a small place, a lesbian and can't imagine what sort of woman would be attracted to you.

Well, lesbians can and do find love even in small villages and towns, and have children. Who'd be attracted to you? Someone who likes your warm, laid back, intelligent quirkiness, who loves that you find pleasure in perfecting handstands and other small goals.

I think there's a massive gap between being happy (which you clearly are) and allowing yourself to explore all that you might want to have in your life (which it appears you don't.) If you'd quite like a girlfriend or are open to the possibility of having children, you can be happy and relatively passive and still make small explorations into these aspects of your potential life.

And people spitting teeth that some posters mentioned Aspergers - please bear in mind being Aspergic is just another way of being. It's not a criticism or a slur. OP sounds a little like my husband and one of my sons, both of whom are Aspergic. Having been tested in childhood means little as female Aspergers can present very differently and the tests have been until recently fairly male biased. Whether or not OP has Aspergers - suggesting it's a possibility isn't insulting. It's insulting to highly intelligent, capable, lovely Aspergic people who just happen to be differently wired, to react as if it's a terrible thing to say.

Sounds like you have things worked out nicely then. That security thing is what drives my DP. He always needs more, not so that we can live a wildly exciting lifestyle, but so that if the bottom drops out of our world, then we will be ok. That and his hobby is money, so collecting it, playing with it, moving it around etc... Great fun, apparently. Oh and he is a lot like you in other ways. He says if he didn't have us to provide for he would probably live very much as you do.
Would you feel an urge to ramp up the pressure do you think, if you found a partner and had DCs? Maybe your parents would feel reassured if you told them that when/if that happens, you will make adjustments accordingly.

But that is entirely up to you, of course.

OP, you are absolutely fine and there is no reason why you wouldn't be later in life, too. I'm in my late 40s, I have friends and have had relationships (luckily no children), and I wish I hadn't bothered so much and wasted so much time, because I'm much happier in my own company. Pls don't listen to those who want to push you into the frames of their own view of "normalcy" (relationship, children, social activities).

I know a good number of lesbians who would think a woman who had a self-possessed life and was content and working hard and had a mortgage was a major catch. If you ever do put yourself out there on dating sites, I don't think you'll have much trouble.

I'm a disappointment to my parents. Their friends have children who are much more interesting. I gave up my job to look after my two disabled children and wasted my decent degree. I understand how you feel.

No friends means that I've never had a relationship and I've accepted that I'm not going to have children

This was what stood out for me.

There's a big difference with accepting and being content with your life as it is now and having a fulfilling life you'd aspire to.

As an example, I accept I'm fat at times and have been more accepting of that so I don't feel bad. I wouldn't chose to be like this though as it's not my dream. To chase my dream requires me being outside if my comfort zone and not so happy in the short and medium term, but is the only way I can get the dream.

Msqueen33 - that's not wasting your degree..... The degree is merely further education and you are using that education to (presumably successfully) look after and bring up two disabled children; if I were your parent I'd be very proud of you indeed, and rightly so.

I also agree you sound content which is great. Some people strive their whole lives to try and get to contentment but never get there.

In this day and age people should just do whatever makes them happy. This talk of deep down you must be unhappy reminds me of an age when we looked at women who were childless by choice with pity and told them they'd regret it in the future.

Personally I am satisfied with my position in my career. Yet I still get comments about how I surely want to get to the next level. Nope. I'm genuinely happy with where I am at. It takes all sorts and we should celebrate that.