Dealing with being a huge disappointment to my parents

[jk59120]

I'm in my mid 20s. I have no friends and I haven't had any since primary school. I don't even have acquaintances. Spend most of my time alone doing a fair bit of sport and watching films. No friends means that I've never had a relationship and I've accepted that I'm not going to have children. I'm ok with that. I work in completely unskilled job even though I did well at school but I earn enough to support myself so that's fine. I've never wanted to travel or have a flash car or anything that costs a lot of money.

I'm struggling with my parents being disappointed in me and the pressure from them to change my life. They don't do anything horrible but it's the topic of conversation all the time. They're forever sending me messages about clubs and evening classes, buying job guides, forwarding applications, pushing me about changing jobs, getting a career, giving me pep talks, 'when you get married/have kids...' ... It's just the overwhelming message of 'get a life' and 'you're not good enough as you are' even though they never say that. I've told them that I'm happy but they say I'll regret wasting my life one day and I'd be happier with friends and a more fulfilling job.

I completely understand why they're disappointed in how I've turned out. My life isn't something anybody aspires to for their children. But their attempts at helping me to change are affecting my relationship with them. I don't want to see them or answer the phone or reply to messages because it quickly turns to life advice. Also, it's pretty upsetting that they don't just accept me how I am. I know it's because they care about me and I just have to put up with it, don't I?

If you feel they are genuinely loving parents who are on a hobby horse about your life choices consider this:

"I wish someone had pushed me just a little more to use all this potential"

"It's like boiling a frog, I hadn't realised how small my world had become, and because I had deliberatly and systematically isolated myself there was nobody else to tell me either"

And so on.....
These are the kind of things that concerned parents may imagine you could say, in a hundred different ways.
Picture them wondering if you are thinking this. You would need to realise the criticism is not about you, the child, it is about their parenting. The further you are from societal norms the more worried they may be that they 'caused' this.

The point is your parents may not be worried immediately and specifically about you, or even criticising you, but that they have cocked up 'parenting' and the more you resist their ' help' the more they worry. Not less.
If you think this is the case you could try praising them for instances when they have genuinly helped you, or shown real acceptance of your choices.

Or
They may be over controlling and unable to allow you out of the child role into an individuated and empowered adult one.
Either way, no, you don't have to just put up with it.

The only posts that make sense to me on this thread so far are those by ShoutOutToMyEx, Bordersarethebest and Aurynne. The world does not need everyone to head multinational companies, nor does it need everyone to reproduce, and in this interconnected age it is less important than ever before to leave in tight colonies.

OK, maybe they just don't understand, but lying about what you're like and what you're doing to their friends doesn't sound to me as much like concern as self-centredness. They sound like parents who expect their child to reward their investment by being someone they can boast about. Do they actually see you as the person you are? Do they truly wish they'd had someone else as their child, someone more thrusting and outgoing? That's pretty sad, really. Every parent should want the best for their child, of course, but only because it's the best for the child, not because it's best for them. They probably want grandchildren, that's natural enough, but if they wanted to be sure of 'em maybe they should have had more than one child themselves to increase their chances!

I wonder whether your preference for solitude and basic level employment is at least partly a reaction to being pushed into something more than you're ready for. Instead of obeying you have retreated into a comfort zone and are keeping the world at bay more rigorously than you might otherwise because they keep shoving it in your face. Possible?

You're not totally unambitious if you study and set yourself sporting goals, anyway. It just doesn't manifest as a desire to make a big mark in the world, which let's face it, many of us are not going to achieve regardless of intent. You're pretty young yet. Your life could change radically at any time. Probably won't, and that's OK, but the future is a funny thing. Meanwhile your parents should relax and be glad you're healthy, functioning and not engaged in any criminal activity. You can't live your life just to please them.

aurynne humans are built to crave interaction & relationships (if no one wanted children we would be extinct!) So yes the social 'norm' is to want to form some kind of relationship.

I said about going to chat things through with a therapist because the OP used to have friends and want to build relationships (she said she had friends at primary school) so I wondered what changed?

Difficulties in building relationships and also little interest in things can be a sign of ASD.

What is normal anyway? If the OP is happy, if she's content with her life then that's all that matters.
I totally get where she's coming from because I too prefer my own company, get totally pissed off with comments about joining in, signing up to clubs and making more of an effort to make friends.
The truth is, I'd rather be with me than with anyone else! Shocking isn't it? And no, I don't have aspergers or anything remotely connected, but I do have very strong self esteem and know exactly what makes me happy and keeps me contented in my very interesting life.
Which brings me back to 'normal', and what it is. Your normal might be my abnormal and vice versa. Attaching labels to people because they don't conform to the stereotypical view of what is 'normal', in this instance, is just offensive and ignorant.

I can understand your parents point of view - you sound very similar to my eldest son (20) and I am forever suggesting clubs or groups for him to join. The difference is I dont think he is happy - hes very unconfident socially due to bullying incidents throughout his school life. I am only concerned because I am older and can see that if he doesn't learn to develop friendships now then when he gets to my age he will be lonely and miserable. How do I know? Because I've been there - I didn't need friends at 20 as I was crazy about riding, and worked two jobs to fund this so rarely went out. Now at 47 and divorced I'm lonely and miserable as I never learned to develop friendships!

Have you told your family how they make you feel? They seem to think you'd be happier if you lived a more conventional life with friends, etc. Clearly you are ok for now.

I started reading your post feeling sad for you, and while I think friendships would enhance your life no end, it is your choice.

I would speak to your parents and tell them exactly how you feel with their (well-meant) interfering. In the nicest possible way of course.

Clearly they see you as a reflection on them and they want people to think well of you too, hence the 'bigging you up'.

"aurynne humans are built to crave interaction & relationships (if no one wanted children we would be extinct!)"

Yes, but the fact is, most people DO want children, so having a small proportion who don't want them, or a small proportion of humans who don't crave that interaction, is just part of normal and healthy variation within humans. Same way as a small proportion of people (i.e. the Duggars) want 20 children, but if everyone wanted the same thing the Earth would go to hell in 2 generations. Expecting everyone to want the same (the boring "average") is neither desirable nor healthy.

And yes, there is a chance she is in the autistic spectrum. So what? I probably am too and it doesn't bother me, it just seems to be a problem for other people who expect me to conform.

OP you're fine as you are. As long as you're happy and harming anyone rlse you're fine. I think you're the victim of personality shaming. You sound like a natural introvert. If so, welcome to the club The problem is in western countries the extrovert personality is favoured above every other type of personality. Say you have little need to socialise and you're happy with your own company and people start doing what they do here, pathologising you! They actually get panicked on your behalf. Hilarious! I am very much like you needing lots of alone time. I can stay alone in my house for days and I am a perfect candidate to man a spaceship alone for years while everyone on board is in cryo-sleep. I can happily and often prefer to go to cinema, take walks, tour galleries and shop alone. I have friends, but I can happily not see them for months. What I do find is that my friends are very broad in ages, occupations etc. I'll talk to anyone. But when it comes to fraternising I need less, not more. I have one very extrovert friend who is offended at my introvertedness. She just cannot understand that not everyone needs to be really physically in other peoples spaces all the time to be happy.

As for no ambition. Your main ambition should be to be happy, not ambition for ambitions sake. People who are labelled 'ambitious' are often just people who are not happy where they are and therefore need to push forward in their chosen venture (note their catayst is their discontent). Since you have many persuits, I'd say you are ambitions, but the ambition of intoverts may manifest differently to that of extroverts. You may be ambitious to learn how to nature journal, or grow orchids, or study some aspect of history. In other words solitary activities may be what you feel the need to master. Some people hate group sports but excel at solitary types like archery. I know many highly creative introverted 'tortured soul' types who find it incredibly hard to engage with social media to share their work etc. It goes so against their grain. The world needs a plethora of personality types. I really hate the personality shaming. If you're happy as you are that's ok. Your parents may have good intentions, but they've lived their lives the way they wanted to. Your life is yours. As long as you're not hurting anyone, live it the way you want!

No friends means that I've never had a relationship and I've accepted that I'm not going to have children.

Why do you think this OP? Most people I know met their partners through work, online dating or hobbies, not through friends. If you do want a relationship, you can have one. You might not want one and that's fine.

It's okay to be happy with what you've got.

I have a wide circle of superficial acquaintances (mainly acquired through work and volunteering) and about 2-3 friends who I actually very occasionally socialise with for coffee/drinks/a meal. None of those friends are the type who would expect me to pick up the phone if they have a crisis at 3am, and that's fine with me. This means I don't have to go through all the wedding, baby shower, birthday party bullshit.

I have a limited amount of emotional energy for other people and I find socialising very draining. I prefer to reserve my efforts for networking with other professionals, which can bring material benefits.

I'm in my mid 40s by the way.

I also think you sounds like a happy introvert. And nice one on the handstands, I tried one recently and did myself an injury. Never my forte.

The 'I'd feel sad/worried/etc if you were my kid' makes me sad. I know it's true but that's the problem. They don't need to worry about me. I'm absolutely fine. Thanks everybody who's replied. Didn't expect so many. I have read them all. It's interesting to see the different perspectives on 'normal' and nice to hear there are other people like me.

I'll try to answer some of the questions...

I have two younger siblings who're both away at university. They crash my hobbies when they're home and I get along with them fine but we don't have much in common.

I know I'm not autistic because I was tested in school. Also not shy. I'll talk to anybody at work and get along with everybody.

I don't need a therapist to tell me I am how I am about friendships because of how I was treated through high school but I don't think it's relevant. I'm happy. It doesn't matter how I got here. I can't change the past. I've accepted it.

My conviction that I won't have a relationship is partly because I'm a lesbian. Less of us so less chance of meeting somebody even if I was different.

I'm not opposed to trying new things. I do new things all the time just usually on my own. I work funny hours so the club/class suggestions are usually based on when I work rather than my interests. There's not a lot going on where I live at all so once you take out everything that's happening when I'm at work, it's really random suggestions. I did do an art class once. Only one other person turned up and the teacher looked crushed. That was awkward.

It is unusual, particularly at such a young age and with so many decades ahead of you, to have decided that all you want from your one life is a menial job and enough money to exist.

Probably phrased that badly in my OP. I live in a cheap part of the country. I've got a house and a car. Never struggle to afford my hobbies. I've got everything I want. It's not just existing. I just don't have expensive wants.

They sound like parents who expect their child to reward their investment by being someone they can boast about. Do they actually see you as the person you are? Do they truly wish they'd had someone else as their child, someone more thrusting and outgoing?

This is definitely the case. Probably makes it worse that my siblings are doing well because they can't talk about them doing well without the silence making it clear that, in their eyes, I'm not.

You sound happy, and confident that you will always be content with this lifestyle.

I think you need to initiate a proper conversation with your parents to explain that, and make them understand that the only thing making you unhappy is their disappointment.

I think they'll be horrified that they've made you feel that way. Good luck op, you sound lovely.

Probably makes it worse that my siblings are doing well because they can't talk about them doing well without the silence making it clear that, in their eyes, I'm not

Oh dear - that's got to sting You'd hope they could be a bit more positive really. Two children doing things the way you want them to and one doing differently but ok is a pretty good strike rate. You're nothing to lie about.

Brilliant, just brilliant. An introvert comes along and is instantly diagnosed as autistic/Aspergers. I'm going to report those posts as it really pisses me off.

Do your parents know you are gay?

Are you sure you will always earn enough to afford your house and car? Are you secure, should you have ill health? Generally, people like to earn a level above what they need so they can drop down a notch if necessary. It offers some security.

Do you recognise your parents here?
See particularly the heading 3) Goal Driven Control

It's interesting you were tested for autism at school. As this has never been standard practice I assume there were concerns and at the time (and probably now) you were displaying concerning ASD traits?

I wonder if they are disappointed or if they just feel they have to say things to fit social norms with their friends. Do you live at home?

Did you experience conditional parenting growing up or only recently?
Unconditional parenting is usually seen as emotionally healthiest, accepting a child just the way s/he is.

You've given up on forming a relationship because you are gay and that does seem very sad. We live in a world where hopefully it is easier than ever to connect with other people and prejudice is becoming less common.

You don't sound so much happy as safe in the small world you have created for yourself and reluctant to risk that safety even if it means being alone forever. Would you consider making friends with other women online and taking small steps to expand your world?

Your parents probably are worried.

OP I live in Brighton. Every day when I walk through the city I see same sex couples of all shapes, sizes and ages strolling through the streets holding hands.

I know you are in a small place so there is likely not the population nearby that would allow you to date easily, but there is someone for everyone, and you sound clever, self aware and interesting. if you decide you want a relationship I'm 99% sure you can have one. Don't discount it if you would like it.

Do your parents know you are gay?

Yep

Are you sure you will always earn enough to afford your house and car? Are you secure, should you have ill health?

I'd hope so. Only about half of my wages is spent on essential stuff so in theory, I could drop two days at work and still be fine financially. I'm also in band 2 so I could drop the tiny responsibility I do have and go down to band 1.

It's interesting you were tested for autism at school. As this has never been standard practice I assume there were concerns and at the time (and probably now) you were displaying concerning ASD traits?

Essentially, I liked stacking things into towers and then I hit anybody who messed with my towers. Seen as reasonably normal when I was in nursery but an Issue by the time I was 6 or 7. Also didn't talk much except to myself. Outcome was that I was very, very immature but smarter than anybody realised so I was probably bored. I grew out of it.

Do you recognise your parents here?

Nah. They're not narcissistic. They don't much care what I do. They don't want me to have a certain standard of friend or anything. They just wish I'd be less alone and move on from a job that I could do with both arms tied behind my back and my eyes closed. They're not asking for much really.

I wonder if they are disappointed or if they just feel they have to say things to fit social norms with their friends. Do you live at home?

Nope. Actually got a mortgage. I live in a very cheap part of the country.

I haven't given up on a relationship because I'm a lesbian. I don't think it'll happen because I don't meet people. I was just saying that being same sex attracted reduces your chances of bumping into a partner at work or the gym or whatever because most people are straight.

I know you are in a small place so there is likely not the population nearby that would allow you to date easily, but there is someone for everyone, and you sound clever, self aware and interesting. if you decide you want a relationship I'm 99% sure you can have one. Don't discount it if you would like it.

Thank you :)