Please help me be strong

[bluuue]

I've had to name change because the details will be identifying!
Been with my partner nearly 11 years and have 2 young children together. He suffers with mental health issues and has walked in and out of our lives many times over the past two years while he attempts to sort his life out. I have always forgiven him and let him come home I'm probably a bit of an enabler! Anyway just recently I've seen the warning signs coming again, the silent treatment, can't stand to be in the house really agitated and irritable so I confronted him! We had a blazing row and I said some things I regret such as he's ruined my life with what he's put me through over past couple of years! I didn't mean it, I was just angry of course I don't think that, we've had 2 lovely children together and I honestly genuinely love him.
The next day he moved out a few days on brings us to this morning he has ended our relationship over text message says he can never forgive and forget some of the things that have been said and we are completely done and even though he knows that he is going to regret this that he knows he is doing the right thing!
I guess I just want someone to hold my hand and let me know I'm going to be ok! I'm pretty broken right now! I don't have any friends and moved to a new area about 6 months ago and don't know anyone except my parents. I don't know where to turn or what to do! I'm just so sad!

Secretlifeofbees
No we haven't sorted any proper arrangements yet but I asked him yesterday when he would want to see the kids again and he said Monday!
I'm going to have to talk with him though because yesterday when he dropped them off he came in and stayed a while kept trying to catch my eye and chit chat and trying to cuddle me and it's made me feel even worse because why is he doing those things if he is adamant that he doesn't want to be together! It's not fair and made me really upset! I still feel upset from it this morning!!!
Cried myself to sleep so my face is all puffy I look terrible so that pamper session is definitely needed!!!

Good news about "Mind". Be proactive in getting help, it will strengthen you.

Yeah I definitely need to follow through with it! Really struggling today I'm really tearful and desperate to text him but I know it won't make me feel any better!!

You're being so strong! Keep thinking about all the shit he's put you through. He's trying to catch your eye and chit chat because he wants control. It's not real, he's manipulating you.

Set some boundaries. Agree when he can see the kids and tell him he can't come in. Or get someone else to be there when he drops them off.

I was kind of hoping he was doing that because what he was actually already regretting his decision but I think you're right it more than likely he's worried about losing control!!
I want to hate him! When I think about texting him I've just been thinking about shitty things he's said and done to me and it's worked so far!!
Must admit I've had to sneak off and take 5 a couple of times today so the kids don't see me cry!!!

Well I made it through another day! I feel like my constant thoughts are physically draining me!
I've managed to not contact him but he hasn't got in touch either which doesn't feel good!!
In bed now upset having a cry and wishing I had someone to talk to but glad I had the strength to not send any crazy ranting text messages!!

You will be drained. It's natural. Make sure you're eating properly and looking after yourself.

Try and do one thing tomorrow as a step in your new direction. Change your room around, make it look different. That helped me when my ex left. I bought a new duvet cover, lamp and CD player, changed the look of the room from "our" room to mine..

You're doing well.

Bluuue you're doing really well. You should read that Lundy Bancroft book (why does he do that) i read it briefly last year but I started it again last week and it really helps u to understand certain behaviours and why they do certain things that before seemed so confusing...
dont let him call all the shots. dont let him in the house or give him the opportunity to put his arms around you the cheeky fucker!!! Knee him in the balls... ok maybe don't do that

Morning, not as tearful this morning I actually feel a bit angry which I suppose is good!!
He text me this morning asking how the children are and told him eldest was upset and not wanting to go to school he wanted to stay with me which is out of character he seems to enjoy school and he text back oh I suppose that's my fault as well
Feel like I can't win!! Trying to keep calm and keep myself busy!!
Thanks for your support

Just a little update today he has told me he is going to Ireland and doesn't know when he will be back! He has some family there and I'm presuming he's just cushioning the blow and is actually moving there!!
I am now left wondering if there is another woman but he is denying but then again he would wouldn't he!!!
I am devastated for my kids!!!

He sounds like such an attention seeker. Try not to react to him or engage in anything that might lure you into a row. I know it's easier said than done though.
If it were me I would be helping him pack! The kids will be fine... they've got a very strong and capable mother.
Keep talking to us....

He's broken me the tears started and just won't stop!! He won't tell me when he is going how long he is planning on being there!! I'm the mother of his kids and I deserve to know when my kids will see their dad!!!
I thought I was rock bottom before but i wasn't I'm here now!!
I hate him I really fucking hate him but I obviously don't because I can't stop crying!!!
How am I ever going to trust anyone ever again!!!

Your kids will be fine, it's probably just more attention seeking, he sounds incredibly self centred; no thought for your feelings at all, just more blame on you; it must be draining living with someone who is so selfish; I think time apart is exactly what you need, I don't think you realise how damaging he is but you will with some rest from him.

He is definitely going because that's where he always runs away to when we fall out!! Once he went there for 2 month and then wanted to come home!! It feels different now though I know it's 100% over and I genuinely believe there's someone else now!! Just wish he was man enough to admit it!!! To be fair he isn't denying it he's just ignoring me!!!!

Bluuue you cannot see this right now but this is the best thing that could happen to you. You can get some space, hopefully to find that anger somewhere that will stop you from taking the little weasel back when he decides he's indulged himself enough and punished you at the same time.
You have a chance here to start building a life for you and the kids that is not controlled and dictated to by some selfish little prick. You cannot see this now but you will. You feel desperate now because he has treated you like dirt, like you don't matter and like your kids don't matter... what kind of father does that??! Can you imagine just fucking off and leaving your kids for months? I can't even comprehend that tbh.
He has hurt you massively and you are totally justified in being devastated.... I wish you had some support in real life.. can you talk to anyone at all? On the phone even?
The point is though that you ARE so much better off without him, he HAS ruined years of your life and guess what... you can decide now whether to let him ruin any more. Some people are stuck with their dickhead DHs, desperately trying to find a way out (like me!) and you're ahead of me now all you have to do is be patient and give your heart a chance to catch up. I think you need to think of ways to make your life without him better... did you go to that toddler group?

Thank you so much for the kind words they made me cry but I really needed some kindness!! I can talk to my mum but sometimes you just don't want to put it all on your mum and only so much you can say to them! I am texting my cousin but she is pregnant and got her hands full and I feel bad for putting on her too!!! I didn't make it to toddler group I just couldn't face it today I've literally cried all day!! I have made one small step though and joined a website called meet up and they have loads of activities and nights out to tag along to and hopefully make some friends when I am feeling a little more together!!! I am waiting to here back from mind as well because I feel like I need a bit of extra help! Need to get myself strong for my boys they are going to need me all the more if their daddy isn't going to be around!! Just keep telling myself surely this is rock bottom now so I can start to claw my way back up!!! Thanks for taking the time to reply especially when I know you have your own stuff going on! It means a lot to me that I'm not alone

That is fantastic.. honestly the support I've had on this board has given me so much strength. There are so many people who have been through the same and even worse.
Have you tried the freedom programme too? You can do it online (it costs a tenner) and there is also a course you can do in person. It's not just for women who have suffered physical violence, it's all about ways in which men have used verbal and psychological methods to control and diminish your power. I did the online course and it has really helped me understand some things. Go on the website and have a look you might recognise yourself in some of the situations... won't do any harm anyway...
Hang in there, accept that you're gonna feel shit for a while but things will get better and you will claw your way out of this. You have to for your boys. They are gonna have such a great role model in you!! Not a woman who is downtrodden and accepting of someone else's shit all the time at the expense of her own happiness.
That meet up website sounds really good.

Thank you I will definitely check that website out because I have had a few people tell me that they feel like I'm in an abusive relationship not physically but mentally and I was offended at the time but starting to think they could be right so maybe it could be good for me!
I used to be so confident, bubbly and outgoing and to be honest I don't recognise myself anymore!!!
Had an awful day today but tomorrow is another day and a chance to take another step forward!
You are right though it will hurt for a while but my life isn't going to get any better unless I start doing something about it!!
Need to get that positive mental attitude back!!!!

Good for you Bluue

You are doing so well despite not feeling like it.It is like a bereavement so treat it as such, you will need time to grieve.

I know it's so hard to let someone you still love go but it's for tge best

He is not capable of a relationship which over time you will realise.I wish there was a magic pill to make it all better but the only cure is hard work on his part and he's just not ready for it now.
Over time the love you feel will decline once you build up confidence in yourself.

Hermonie2016 that's exactly how it feels like a bereavement!
I'm glad you're saying he's not capable of a relationship right now because one of the things that upsets me the most if that he is going to quickly move on meet someone else and suddenly that person will be worth getting well for because obviously I wasn't!!
It's so frustrating I don't want to love him I want to switch off from him because I don't want to hurt like this!
I do need to work on myself and build my confidence up because I want to be me again!!

See I think he will be back OP, this is his pattern, will be good if you make it clear there's no more coming and going anymore, you're done with that, you are doing really well, keep going.

Hi Bluuue, just caught up on this. Sorry you're feeling so upset. Try and see it as another reason why you've got to move yours and the children's lives on, away from him, and onto your own feet, so he can't keep coming back and doing this. Don't let him dangle you while he decides how long he's going to be away. Take some steps. Go and see a solicitor about how to seperate financially and how to make some set regulations re contact and how he treats the kids. Because it's not fair that he picks up and puts down them either.

And re there being someone else, it's easy for me to say, but it doesn't even really matter. It's not a case of you not being enough, it's a case of him not being good enough, or strong enough for you. If there's someone else they're just the easy option for him. If someone else wants to live with all his drama and flouncing, good luck to them. You deserve someone who has your back when you're upset, who walks over hot coals for you, not someone who causes the upset and leaves you alone with it.

Great post above.

Thank you so much for the reply! They are giving me so much strength and really keeping me going! Just feeling a bit ashamed of myself at the moment because I'm breaking my heart over someone who can't love me the same way or they wouldn't treat me so cruelly!!

Point is OP, he seems incapable of staying in a LTR and it's not fair to expect you or your family to live the life he is choosing - back and forth when the feeling takes him - no more open door for him, he goes, he stays away.