Please help me be strong

[bluuue]

I've had to name change because the details will be identifying!
Been with my partner nearly 11 years and have 2 young children together. He suffers with mental health issues and has walked in and out of our lives many times over the past two years while he attempts to sort his life out. I have always forgiven him and let him come home I'm probably a bit of an enabler! Anyway just recently I've seen the warning signs coming again, the silent treatment, can't stand to be in the house really agitated and irritable so I confronted him! We had a blazing row and I said some things I regret such as he's ruined my life with what he's put me through over past couple of years! I didn't mean it, I was just angry of course I don't think that, we've had 2 lovely children together and I honestly genuinely love him.
The next day he moved out a few days on brings us to this morning he has ended our relationship over text message says he can never forgive and forget some of the things that have been said and we are completely done and even though he knows that he is going to regret this that he knows he is doing the right thing!
I guess I just want someone to hold my hand and let me know I'm going to be ok! I'm pretty broken right now! I don't have any friends and moved to a new area about 6 months ago and don't know anyone except my parents. I don't know where to turn or what to do! I'm just so sad!

Adora - that's it -a revolving door. I've spent 16 years, and the last 5 have been agonizing, with my STBXH. He has MH issues and I think a personality disorder. It is just one thing after another and it strips the very core out of you in the end. I am completely exhausted. The love has gone for me so it's 'easier' in that respect.

Strength to you OP. You need to look after yourself first, you deserve it.

Yes it is very damaging adora10 because I'm not half the person I used to be! Every bit of confidence has gone!
I barely recognise myself!

Anewdawn I'm so shocked to hear other people go through it too because I've just felt so alone and isolated for so long!
I've never met anyone who's been in my situation or even someone who knows someone who's been through it so I guess I just accepted this is the way things are and blamed myself for not being more understanding and patient when in reality I couldn't have been more supportive of him!!

Does anyone actually believe he will try come back to me?
He seems pretty adamant he won't and I'm ashamed to say that a big part of him just wants him to come back and say sorry and we'll move on
I hope if he eventually does I have finally got some confidence and a backbone!

I'd bet you my wages he will be back OP, this is his pattern, he likes it.

So if he does come back, you are just going to keep accepting him treating you like crap?

Nobody can make you say or do anything OP, you're your own person, do you really want this man to finish off what self esteem you have left, is he that fucken great, seriously.

Adora10
I want to get strong and confident so that if does come back I can say no but I feel so far away from being that person right now!
I've got in touch with an old friend and she is going to come spend the weekend with me next week so that's something to look forward to!
Just gonna have to take it a day at a time I guess!!!

The children are in bed now and the tears have come! I try not to cry in front of the children!
Maybe I should just go to bed to stop myself texting him!!

You are very vulnerable and fragile right now and that is understandable. What you need to do is something different to the other times.. maybe just one step at a time, don't panic just try and get through this evening not contacting him. Think to yourself that tomorrow YOU are going to decide what kind of day you have, nobody else. You might feel like shit and you might have to just put on a brave face for the dc but It will be under yor control. Every day you do that the FOG will start to lift... you'll start to wonder why you want this headfucking manipulative loser in your life.
You can do this

It's time to put you and your children first. You can't keep going through this. It will drive you crazy and teach your children nothing. Get some counselling if you can, concentrate on making friends and building your own life. Make lists, write down every time he's flounced off and left you sitting on the dust to pick up the pieces. Even when you finally snapped and said things you regret he didn't give you the same respect or leeway. Time to take the reins and not stay dangling on a string.

I hope you sleep and feel strong tomorrow.

Bluuue do the children know what's going on?

I agree with Secretlife0fbees.

"He has started counselling before and been on meds but took himself off of them! " It doesn't sound like he was taking his recovery seriously.

You said " I can't see past the fact that I love him and want to support him!" I wonder if you have both got entrenched in two possitions, he can't cope, and you do all the coping. When home did he cope with the daily life chores, did he help with kids, bring in money, do stuff around the home? As much as you?

I think you will cope better than you can image. I also wonder how your kids feel.

"I feel like I need to start my life from scratch now, I have no friends and no social life! It all feels really scary right now!"

Whose idea was it to move where you are six months ago, and what has stopped you getting to know people in last six months? (Do you work/do things to do with the school your kids go to?)

You could talk to Women's Aid or you could look for assertiveness training on line or in person.

You are worth so much more than this.

Write a list of all the bad stuff. When you're feeling weak, read it.

I too have berated myself for not doing enough, or not being sympathetic enough or xyz. When in reality I've been flogging my guts out. And I realize that he just can't see this

Every birthday and Xmas is a nightmare because he gets 'stressed'. One year he just forgot my birthday, I had to remind him gently at around 5pm - and I felt bad. Me! He leaves everything to the last minute and then buys crap eg candles and bubble bath from Asda or similar. I've realized now it's his way of saying 'look at me, look how stressed I am'. On my last birthday I cried because I felt so rejected. Shortly after I told him it was over.

Hope you got some sleep. How are you feeling this morning?

Thank you everyone for replying. I keep reading the responses but they aren't going in I can't concentrate and feel a bit weird and numb!
He has taken the kids out and asked me if I wanted to go along and I was strong enough to say no!

Secretlifeofbees
Thanks for the support, I am going to try take it a day at a time and I'm just going to have to accept there's no quick fix and that it's going to hurt for a while! No tears so far today and keeping my happy face on for the children!

Honeyroar
You are so right that's what's annoyed me the most he has had so many outbursts and said and done horrible things and I have to accept it! I have an outburst and he thinks that I am a terrible person and he won't forgive me! I don't feel strong at the moment but hoping it will come in time!

Fallenempires
No they don't I'm actually ashamed to say they have gotten that used to daddy coming and going that it doesn't faze them anymore!!

Italiangreyhound
He starts treatment or meds and within a few weeks starts to feel better and thinks he can then stop everything and ends up back at square one but he doesn't seem to notice this pattern!
We moved where I am now to be closer to my parents but besides them I don't know anyone!
I am really very shy and suffer with anxiety and although I do really want to socialise I struggle with it! I am going to take baby steps and start by going along to stay and play with my toddler next week!!

Anewdawn
I had the same issues regarding birthdays, I would make so much effort for his and on my last birthday he spent most of the day in bed and I spent most of the day crying and feeling guilty for wanting him to try make a bit of fuss of me for a change!! I really should make a list of all the times he's done something awful or name called or accused me of things and look back at that!!
Last year I went out one morning and when I came home he had packed everything he owned posted the keys through the door and gone!!

It's a horrible feeling it's like suffering a bereavement.Please be kind to yourself.

He has treated you incredibly cruelly bluuue, this has had a major effect on your selfesteem and feelings of security. I mean how could you ever relax and feel safe knowing that every time you go anywhere he could be gone when you get back!!! You must be a shadow of your former self.
But it's not too late for you... little by little you will start to see clearly what a bag of shit this was for you.... maybe you'll start to feel angry and outraged by the way he's treated you... that will be good for you. He's got you exactly where he wants you now... scared, desperate for the scraps he might throw you.. fuck that. You are worth so much more.

Well ladies I have made it through another day but I don't feel any stronger I am a wreck now the kids are in bed it's all coming out!
I just wish I had a friend or someone to just give me a hug and tell me it's all going to be ok because at the moment I can't see a way up!
I have spent my whole adult life with him and he is my best friend I know that sounds stupid after everything I've wrote but it hasn't all been that way!!!
I just feel so down so alone so broken! I don't know how I'm going to get myself through this!

bluue I am so sorry this is so hard.

"I am really very shy and suffer with anxiety and although I do really want to socialise I struggle with it! I am going to take baby steps and start by going along to stay and play with my toddler next week!!"

I had anxiety almost 20 years ago, it was awful. I had counselling on the NHS for it (GP referral) and it really helped and cured me. I hope you can get some counselling via GP or relate that can help you to move on and be able to make new friends etc.

Are there people you were friendly with in your last location?

Thinking of you.

Hey Bluuue we're still here, lean on us. You will go through ups and downs, more downs than ups initially, but you will slowly get there and feel better than ever in the end. Sounds a cliche now, I know, but it's true, I've been there.

Give yourself a goal, try and find a class you fancy, perhaps learning a language or a gym class, and enroll yourself, see if you can forge out a social life for yourself? Do the children have any clubs or hobbies? Is it possible to get involved with helping and meet people that way?

PS, sorry just noticed the bit about your social anxiety, so don't know how useful my advice was. You do come across as a nice person though, I'm sure if you took that scary first step you'd make friends, especially if you're helping at something with other people. I hope that you find that you get stronger and more confident as you spend more time on your own feet and path in life, I wouldn't be surprised if this man and his issues has caused a lot of yours..

You made it through the day though! So what if it's all coming out now, you still did it. I understand, it feels so conflicting right now but I promise you it will get better.
Set yourself a goal for tomorrow maybe? Take the kids somewhere.. lunch or just the park..? Slap some make up on and fake it til you make it!

Thank you for being there!
I do have ups and downs with my anxiety but obviously what's going on in my life affects it!
I have actually posted on my local board looking for friends in my area! I know this isn't a big deal for some people but it's a huge step in the right direction for me! What everyone is saying is right I do need to focus on me and the boys and stop putting my energy into him!!
He brought the boys back earlier and tried to cuddle me and I told him no and he was annoyed saying I had made him feel uncomfortable!
I just feel like it's all a big mind game to him! I'm not going to let him lead me on anymore it's not fair and just makes me feel worse!!

Secretlifeofbees
I've made plans to give myself a pamper in the morning and then I'm going to mums with the boys for a roast so should be a more positive day for me thankfully!!

Italiangreyhound
I forgot to say I have contacted the charity Mind and they were great! Someone is going to call me and tell me what they can do to help with my anxiety issues!!

Good for you. Have you sorted out any specific contact arrangements, only saying this as it sounds like he's coming and going as he pleases and fucking with your head in the process. Maybe you'd benefit from a few days of not seeing him and he would start getting the idea that you're in control...?