Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What is so wrong I just cant seem to 'make' friends

67 replies

idontknowwhy · 22/02/2007 22:45

I have name changed. i am not a troll. ive been a member for 3yrs.

i have a cpl of friends, one i met from netmums when we were preg with our first and one from postnatal group i went to.

apart form that, all i have is acquiantances (sp?)

what is it about me?

i am friendly, have two kids, (both go to preschool, and i am on the commitee)

i met a lady form netmums a while back, seemed to go really well, mailed each other, but nothing since.

what is it?

please help.

i have just started being a part time (instead of full time) worker, and now with the kids loads and dont seem to have any friends........

thanks

xxx

OP posts:
scatterbrain · 22/02/2007 22:50

I think it's difficult making real friends as an adult. When we are at school, or university we share quite profound experiences - but as adults that doesn't really happen and a lot of the time our loyalty is elsewhere - partners, children etc.

I have a few newer friends but mainly my friends are from ages back - and although I don't se ethem that often, nor even speak to them that often - they are still my best friends. I think for me I kind of give off a "taken" air - like I have no vacanacies for new friends.

Sorry I am rambling !!! But rest assured it's not just you !

flutterdave · 22/02/2007 22:52

I'm the same.

I have only aqquired 2 friends since I started back at college in September.

Mind you having said that I am pretty happy having no friends, I have DH and a college course and a job not to mention ds to look after so I don't really have time for friends.

Original poster
idontknowwhy · 22/02/2007 22:52

thanks scatterbrain.

i have another friend - who ive had since we were 3, we dont keep in touch regularly, but we know we are always there for each other.

its jsut wierd, i think im a nice friendly person, but feel like a stalker for even wanting to 'talk' to toher mums. there are 3 women on the commitee that are a 'posse' and no one gets a look in.

im 'normal', nice house, clothes, care, 2 kids, sahm (kinda), and it seems im out on a limb.

my ds1 went to a party 2wks ago, said hi to a cpl of mums from pschool, and that was it....

OP posts:
Raggydoll · 22/02/2007 22:54

its not you.

personally I only make friends with a very small persentage of the people i meet. friendships can be really hard work and I only ever manage to maintain a friendship with someone i really click with.

in view of this my advice is to meet as many people as possible. also, you do have to be pretty thick skinned - just keep at it.

Original poster
idontknowwhy · 22/02/2007 22:54

i would just like someone to 'relate' too and have over so the kids could play etc.

believe me, if it werent for my job being so known on m-net i would post under my real name, but no one would believe i feel like this (not that im hugely populare here either, not hated, just one one of the 'in')

xx

OP posts:
BandofMothers · 22/02/2007 22:55

I also have lots of acquaintances. Although I don't see them often I am still in touch with a couple of friends from way back.
And I have a few good friends made in the last few years.
TBH I'd rather have a couple of really good friends than loads of not so good friends.

Original poster
idontknowwhy · 22/02/2007 22:55

was meant to read: NOT one of the 'in'

xx

OP posts:
Original poster
idontknowwhy · 22/02/2007 22:56

theres one who is fab, we really support each other, the other is great, we click so well, but we dont get to meet that often due to her job.

how do i go about this?

OP posts:
BandofMothers · 22/02/2007 23:00

Try going to a couple of dif playgroups. I was lucky enough to find a really nice one, not cliquey at all. Met a few lovely mum's there, one of whom I see outside the group.
If you live near me I'll take you with me!!

scatterbrain · 22/02/2007 23:02

You sound like me - selective !!! I tried the be friends with everyone and see if you click with anyone - gave up after 3 yrs I'm afraid !!!

Although I did make one lovely friend who I now count as one of nmy best friends - but that took quite a long time to develop really !

It's a minefield - be too keen and you look desperate, be cool and people think you're aloof !!!

The group I am soret of in with at school are all SAHMs who do lunch, text each other and meet up several tiems a week - I can't do that - I have a full time job - and actually I don't want to. I feel they are kinda just filling their days iykwim ??

I have settled for my few good friends ! I don't have time to see them - so why spread myself too thin I think ?

Original poster
idontknowwhy · 22/02/2007 23:03

both my boys go to preschool 3 mornings a week, i take them swimming loads and sometimes see one of my friends, but i dont know where else to go? i see my sis and sil sporadiclly (sp)

there is a 'messy play' thing near us, and some soft play centres, perhaps i should just get out more. i do go to the park, but its v quiet.

OP posts:
Original poster
idontknowwhy · 22/02/2007 23:05

maybe as i have just given up a Ft city job, i am now in SAHM land and its wierd.

i do work PT but its for myself and fit it in around kids and when dh is home.

i live in hertfordshire.

xx

OP posts:
BandofMothers · 22/02/2007 23:09

Soft play places are great for meeting other mum's.
I find the people who have become my really good friends are those that I immediately click with. Scatterbrain gives good advice. Be open and friendly and see who stays to talk.
I sat pretty much on my own for about 3 weeks at playgroup talking a little bit to some of the mum's. Eventually I had a few longer conversations with some of them. Now I'm a regular and know several quite well.
Making friends is so much harder when you're older with more inhibitions.
My dd1 (3) just walks in, hi everyone-I'm here, so funny.

songbirdforever · 22/02/2007 23:09

Friendships take time.

BandofMothers · 22/02/2007 23:09

Geography is crap. Is that near Leicestershire?
Don't think it is, is it?

scatterbrain · 22/02/2007 23:13

When your children start school you'll get moer opportunity !

Even now you could ask one of their friends round to tea - but check out the mum first - does she look like someone you might get on with ? If so - just ask - she would probably be delighted - and if you don't click move on to the next one !

It is much easier to do it through the children !

songbirdforever · 22/02/2007 23:17

There's nothing wrong with you. Just keep in mind that you need to find people that you click with. That will happen. It just sometimes takes time.

Original poster
idontknowwhy · 22/02/2007 23:23

thanks everyone. there are a cpl of mums at preschool, perhaps i should approach them (one at a time!) next week.

OP posts:
songbirdforever · 22/02/2007 23:24

PS What does it mean to be a "troll"? Not been on the site for very long and don't really understand ...

scatterbrain · 22/02/2007 23:26

Yes do - but keep it light ! Ask a question - like "how long ahs your little one been here ?" and hopefully they will chat with you !! Flattery always useful too - I used to say "Oh you're x's mum - my dd is always talking about "x" - perhsps you'd like to bring her round for lunch after preschool one day next week - I know dd would love it !"

Good luck x

scatterbrain · 22/02/2007 23:27

A troll is a non genuine person who has just come on here to stir things up - usually they ask whacky or sexual questions - often they are 14 yr olds or hairy truckers !!!

When a new name turns up with a strange first post we all smell a rat !!

songbirdforever · 22/02/2007 23:32

Wow ... I'll be aware ... thanks! Kind of thought it was one mumsnetter with an "advanced" sense of humour

simplycontrolfreaky · 22/02/2007 23:33

if you've just given up ft work that is a big change to your lifestyle idkw... give yourself time to adjust and be less hard on yourself.... the summer is easier with small children... more opportunities to meet kindred spirits if you spend lots of time in the park etc... the advice about making approaches through the children is good, less painful and difficult as less "personal" somehow.

Mummy2TandF · 22/02/2007 23:36

I am in Essex - so not that far from you - I would be happy to chat and maybe meet up if we "click" LOL! Seriously though - feel free to CAT me, I am not a stalker or a nutter - I promise

songbirdforever · 22/02/2007 23:39

Second that ... I've just realised today that a mum I've been seeing from my NCT group has become a really good friend. It's taken about two years - wasn't planned ... just the way it worked out.