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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What is so wrong I just cant seem to 'make' friends

67 replies

idontknowwhy · 22/02/2007 22:45

I have name changed. i am not a troll. ive been a member for 3yrs.

i have a cpl of friends, one i met from netmums when we were preg with our first and one from postnatal group i went to.

apart form that, all i have is acquiantances (sp?)

what is it about me?

i am friendly, have two kids, (both go to preschool, and i am on the commitee)

i met a lady form netmums a while back, seemed to go really well, mailed each other, but nothing since.

what is it?

please help.

i have just started being a part time (instead of full time) worker, and now with the kids loads and dont seem to have any friends........

thanks

xxx

OP posts:
Original poster
idontknowwhy · 22/02/2007 23:40

thanks everyone.

i appreciate all your tips etc.

thanks m2taf.

i am going to go and pull myself together now and change my name back.

thank you.

xxx

OP posts:
BandofMothers · 23/02/2007 08:59

Herts is a couple of hours from me, but I bet if we organised it we could do a meet up 1/2 way.
And m2t&f, you are not that far from me either.

micegg · 13/04/2007 17:10

The amazing power of mumsnet!

I was sitting here feeling a bit after feeling a bit pushed out by some mummy friends I have made since having DD a year ago. Nice to see I am not the only one to feel this way. Its not just me that find it hard to break the 'friends' barrier. Makes me feel a little less pathetic!

handlemecarefully · 13/04/2007 17:13

Think it takes a good long while to make proper friends (rather than acquaintances) from Pre-School / School etc. Stick with it - it will happen.

micegg · 13/04/2007 17:18

I am just feeling a bit sorry for myself. I wanted to make the point of how useful MN is for things like this. I feel much better seeing how many others feel the same way. It easy to think everyone else is finding it all so easy and having these great friendships whilst you are really struggling. Its reassuring to think that many others struggle with this as well. I have plenty of friends In other areaS of my life (work/pre baby) but for some reason find the 'mum' friends tricky. I am going to try some toddler groups in my local area.

Wotzsaname · 13/04/2007 17:32

When I moved north, I struggled and had very down days, where I tried and just felt like a complete fool. Missed my old mates who had lots of history with.

It has taken some time and I have two new close friends who I feel comfortable with. Another new friend, well we just clicked about 6 months ago and its like we've know each other for years, that doesn't happen often I can tell you.

Put time into it. We have all got together for the cinema, drink after etc. It makes a big difference to do adult things and chat without DH/Dp and children around. Even if that is the common link.

Don't get sad. There is nothing wrong with you.

ska · 13/04/2007 17:34

i think it's really hard as an adult. i am mainly at home (now) and take dd to school most days but am so definitely on the 'edge' of the playground cliques. feels a bit odd, i am a professional well respected in my field and yet stand on the edge being very shy! I am in herts too - PM me and see if we are anywhere near each other!

micegg · 13/04/2007 17:47

'On the edge'... thats exactly how i feel. I think this is because I work PT and the people I have met seem to meet up when I am working (fair enough). I get quite nervous when I meet new people so am probably not showing myself in my best light . A couple of my close friends (non baby friends) have moved away over the last few years and my DH has loads of friends so I am just feeling a tad over sensitive.

Ska - not sure who you were aiming the Herts bit too but I am in Surrey. Otherwise I would love to meet you!

Thanks for your kind words. I am going off to make tea and pull myself together. May even indulge in a glass of wine.

nightowl · 13/04/2007 18:05

oh im absolutely rubbish at making new friends. combination of being really shy and having been stung by previous so called friends. im very wary of people..i dont think i come across as being very friendly at all in real life! i just clam up and end up saying something really stupid mostly. i am quite sarcastic at times too and unless people know me, they tend to think im being bitchy. im one of those people you dont know which way to take apparently (ooh err).

i do have some good friends (not many but thats ok), and every friend ive ever had has admitted they didn't like me at first! i dont worry about it these days as the only new friends i really meet are through people who already know me and that i'm alright really, but i know if i ever moved anywhere new i'd be very lonely for a while!

sexylady · 13/04/2007 19:00

i found when i left work and became a mum i didn't really have any friends as work colleagues visits dwindled and it wasn't until i started going to toddler groups that i started to make new friends, i think it will be the same for you when you join a club with your kiddies, after all it's easy when they're around taking the edge of things!

FluffyMummy123 · 13/04/2007 19:02

Message withdrawn

unpaidcleaner · 13/04/2007 19:27

It's v difficult to make friends when you're older. i'm on 'hello, how are you' terms with various other mums at school but know a lot of them are v friendly together & i dont feel i know them well enough to join in, for instance, if they are chatting in the playground. I work PT, and i find i dont feel I fit in there now either. Most of my colleagues are younger than me, and childless, and they socialise in the pub after work , which i can't do because I have to leave early to pick up children. I would like more friends, but just can't seem to manage it.

chocolateface · 13/04/2007 19:37

Band of mothers............Soft play places are really good places to maek friends....
Personally I think they are such lonely places as everybody seems to be with a friend except me. I went toa large soft play the other afternoon, and knew most of the people there as aquaintances (SP?), but they werre all there with friends. I cried when I came home... DH thought I was a loon. I will come back to this thread when C's are in bed.

tigermoth · 13/04/2007 19:43

Haven't read any of the other replies, but have you considered that unconsciously you don't want more friends in your life for some reason? Or aren't clear what sort of friendships you are aiming for?

Have you tried visusaling exactly what sort of friendships you want, what you'd like to do with your new friends and what you'd expect from them? (and what sort of friends you don't want, as well)

ie do you want to meet them for adult only evening meals to have a few laughs and a chat about life/have someone local you can phone on the spur of the moment for a meet up with kids in the park/have someone who will be there to listen to your innermost thoughts over a cup of coffee. Do you want one true best friend who you confide in or a group of like minded people for some light company and practical help with kids?

If you think about what type friendships you want, you can work backwards from that, which might help you formulate ideas on how to create these friendships.

Sorry if that is what you have done already, but just a thought. It's something I have done myself sometimes.

chocolateface · 13/04/2007 21:08

If I could just be bold and invite people around for a coffee, I think I'd have more friends.How well do you have to know someone before you invite them round for a coffee?

karabiner · 13/04/2007 21:20

chocolateface,

i regularly go to parks and soft play places where everyone else is with someone else and I am on my own. I realyl know the feeling of wanting to go home and cry.

I have asked one mum i know a little bit round for a coffee and have met her with her children 3 times now so maybe can get to be friends with her. Did quake before I asked her round, but glad I did so. I did not know her atall except to say hello before I asked her.

I have asked some of DS peers mums from playgroup round but it has not been reciprocated.

You just have to try and not feel depressed when it doesnt work out. Hard I know, I try to feel this.

DaphneHarvey · 13/04/2007 21:21

When hoping to make new friends - try and look out for other people who may be feeling like you. Don't hover on the edges of established groups, looking for a way in (cos they are sorted, thanks v much), strike up a conversation with someone who looks slightly apart.

Also, it takes a long time, sometimes. Keep being smiley and friendly. Make friends with the mums of your children's friends. That's an easy way in.

I have loads of friends. And just one, two, three, maybe four REALLY good friends. You don't need more than that. If you were close friends with everyone you wanted to be friends with you'd have no time left for your DH, DCs or family, imho.

ChasingRabbits · 13/04/2007 21:23

if they are already at preschool then there are a whole heap of mums already there waiting to be met, ok most of them won't be best pals, but some of them could be people you will get on with.
smile, say hi, ask your kids who they play with and get them to point out the kids, then say something nice to the mums about the kids playing together, etc, suggest them coming round to play, or meeting in the park.
It takes effort, you want the friends, you make the running, takes me a while to work upto it - but ime people appreciate it cos they are often in the same boat.

EHM · 13/04/2007 21:24

dontknowwhy I am in Herts if you want to meet for a cuppa?

chocolateface · 13/04/2007 21:37

Thankyou Karabiner. I'm making a resolution to make a proper effort starting Monday morning.

DaphneHarvey · 13/04/2007 21:49

Sorry if I missed this but are you the OP chocolateface? I just wondered why you said thank you to one respondee and not the others? Not being unfriendly, just confused!

Pinkcherub · 13/04/2007 22:09

I have always been the kind of person who does not need other people. I think it is difficult as you get older to make and maintain friendships.

People have busy lives and generally don't have much time for other people. In time, being to close to anyone can sometimes bring its problems too as privicy can then feel like it is being invaded and when a bit of distance is put between or something mentioned does cause offense.

I have friends who i see occasionaly but i respect their homelife and lives but meet up and have a blowout every now and then.

I know not all people live or are able to live this way but i think it is healthy to have your own space and try to maintain friendships on a casual basis.

If you have other things you can fill your life with, perhaps try a course of some sort and then it may lead to a more fulfilling job which leads to more friends.

Join a club or school pta?

EHM · 14/04/2007 13:14

a take it thats a no then worth a try.

MARGOsBeenPlayingWithMyNooNoo · 14/04/2007 13:19

there is nothing wrong with you idontknowwhy.

it was like that for me with my first. Ive stopped putting obstacles in the way and said yes a lot more to days out

ive been very lucky and met up with someone fron mn and she has invited me to a few things which i will be erternally grateful for

good luck

Kaz33 · 14/04/2007 13:26

You are me EX city worker now SAHM, failed in London over a year to make any mates but doing better in leafy Surrey.

But there is light at the end of the tunnel...

Invite children from preschool but without mum - your child will love it, their mum will love it. AND you will get return playdates for your kids, you will start to chat to their mums at pick off and drop off. You don't seem desperate and it will do your confidence no end of good.

When you hit reception, September?? volunteer on the PTA, you will meet loads of mums throughout the school who will you talk to about things other than kids. As an ex city worker you will have lots to offer the school. Other people will want to be you mate as you are so well connected and super confident.

You will make lots of acquaintances and some if you are lucky will become friends.

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