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Original poster

Something bothered me about new man...

84 replies

Peppalpaca · 13/01/2017 22:25

I have started 'seeing' a man (met online, i've only met up with him in real life once, we speak a lot)

We have a second date arranged soon

While speaking today he called a guilty pleasure of mine 'shit' (admittedly it's not the most intellectual of pursuits but i enjoy it none the less)

This has bothered me, but I have been a little stressed throughout the day so it could be pms coming on as i do get stressed when that comes.

Is it normal to be bothered by that? It has lessened my opinion of him somewhat. I don't go around calling things that he likes shit that I don't like (just met so i'm on my best behaviour). Is there a chance he could be flirting? I just don't know what to think so I'd really appreciate the help before I slow things down with him. I don't think he should be getting some comfy so quickly as to call what I like shit?

Sorry if haven't come across very mature

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 13/01/2017 23:59

I think you're right to be aware of it but I would also think that is lightly teasing rather than actual criticism.

Keep your ears pricked, it doesn't hurt :)

cordeliavorkosigan · 13/01/2017 23:59

Seems presumptuous to me, like claiming some knowledge of what kinds of things you watch, when you don't know each other well. On top of the use of 'shit', I'd be wary.

TeethDrama · 14/01/2017 00:02

I don't know anything except to say stand your ground and start as you mean to go on. If you like that programme, you like it. Don't justify it, try to convert him, explain it, feel guilty about it. It's what you like - nothing more to say. He doesn't have to like it but make sure you don't internalise any negativity from him over a TV programme.

I would have said "How Rude! I'm too much of a lady to tell you that you've totally gone down in my estimation for voicing that... whoops... "

Destinysdaughter · 14/01/2017 00:02

On reflection, I think it's not a good sign as its indicating that either he is an opinionated and contemptuous person or you're just not compatible.

Offred · 14/01/2017 00:05

Go with your gut

TeethDrama · 14/01/2017 00:10

Peppa what's he like (hard to tell I know) otherwise, would you describe him as respectful or teasing generally or has he not had chance to show that yet?

PS I would agree with PP - trust your gut. You wouldn't be posting here if you were sure he was flirting or teasing, and TBH even if he'd have said "That's shit!" jokily then it would be followed up with a laugh or a "only joking" or whatever. If you actually though he said it critically then never mind being on your best behaviour - be on your best alert for control freakery. Seriously. It's how it starts - scorning the things you value.

Original poster
Peppalpaca · 14/01/2017 00:49

TeethDrama It's hard to say, I barely know him. He does speak in a bit of monotonous fashion, so it could be that which confused the matter?

OP posts:
Soozikinzi · 14/01/2017 00:56

I think it's just a case of different backgrounds using different terminology here it's nothing personal or offensive.Your family might not use the word shit as casually as his .I have experienced this when working in a hotel with a lot of girls from Dublin but the world used wasn't shit shall we say !

Cricrichan · 14/01/2017 01:05

I think that a lot of stuff out there is shit but I also like some shit. Not sure I'd tell someone I didn't really know that I thought they were watching crap but I don't think it's enough to ditch. Maybe keep an eye out for criticism but carry on if you otherwise like him.

FastWindow · 14/01/2017 01:11

What were you watching? I personally also have quite a 'professional' education but boy, my reading tastes range from Alexandre Dumas to Jackie Collins. And I love them both, and won't apologise for that.

BelarusianDoll · 14/01/2017 01:37

It might have just been playful banter!

Offred · 14/01/2017 01:45

If you are not comfortable, for any reason, tangible or intangible, in a very new relationship I think you should cut him off.

Offred · 14/01/2017 01:47

Is it the pronouncement 'it is shit' that bothers you?

As if he is the only one party to the objective standards?

Cos I think there is a big difference between 'I don't like it' and 'it is shit'.

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 14/01/2017 08:09

Saying "you do watch some shit" when he barely knows you and should be on his best behaviour sounds rude and condescending. If it was said by a long term partner in the context of a loving relationship that might be different. He's trying to put you down, I wouldn't like it and I'd be on my guard from now on.

Qwertie · 14/01/2017 08:21

I don't think you're being precious, OP. It's a good gauge for other more important things. I've noticed a lot of men I know do this with TV programmes; the "this is sooo beneath me" routine and it is a not so subtle way of saying "you are so beneath me"

Cooroo · 14/01/2017 08:24

Don't you turn off TV when talking on the phone? Sorry, that's no the point but that seems rude to me.

Fluffybrain · 14/01/2017 08:33

Dump

Naicehamshop · 14/01/2017 08:43

Surely all the people saying "my dh and I often say things like that to each other" are missing the point! It's one thing to make a jokey(?) criticism to someone you know very well, but a bit odd to say it to someone you've only just met?

My guess is that he is socially rather inept, but - as a pp said - keep your twat radar turned up!

MiscellaneousAssortment · 14/01/2017 08:49

There is no threshold that you/he has to reach in order to allow you to stop seeing him.

From your posts it sounds like your gut is prickling about this (do guts prickle?!). Something isn't sitting right about what he said, but because you've been upset about other things you don't know if your gut/spidey senses are a bit too heightened right now.

All of which is completely fine & not immature at all!

Do you want to give it another go and see what your gut picks up? Or do you want to decide that you need to Behring very kind to yourself right now and not to put yourself in a situation that your not entirely comfortable with?

Either way is fine. You really don't owe him any more interaction if it's not exactly what you want.

cherrytime · 14/01/2017 08:59

I will admit I watch some shit but cultural snobs are the worst so if it was something he meant in a really condescending way rather than an affectionate playful way then I'd not really see a future with him.

Ellisandra · 14/01/2017 09:11

What did you say though?

  • oh you do watch some shit
  • yep, it's trashy but I love it!
  • your choice, would drive me mental - so, fancy a drink?

Or

  • oh you do watch some shit
  • yep, it's trashy but I love it!
  • but it's rubbish, why do you waste your time? You shouldn't watch it

Did you own your choices, or apologise for them? Did he respect your right to your own opinion?

It's fine for him to state an opinion. I'd just take it as a throwaway (and true!) comment.

Original poster
Peppalpaca · 14/01/2017 12:41

Thank you for all your replies, I love how I can ask a question on here and get so many different points of view, i'm useless at doing this stuff in real life.

I definitely picked up a note of condescension, but again if I asked him he might have been trying to be playful. 10 years ago I would have agreed these sorts of shows were shit but as I've gotten older I myself have become less judgemental and more accepting and understanding of all different sorts of humour shown in society. To be honest I thought it made him sound very immature and he's 10 years older than me! We spoke again last night over skype (while playing a game) that's when I realised he may just have a monotonous voice and my understanding of what he said is skewed. I'll see him again but if anything else crops up i'll be sure to cut my losses. I always seem to get used by people as my boundaries aren't firmly intact - they're still being built up.

OP posts:
Whisky2014 · 14/01/2017 12:45

My partner did this when i was watxhjng en episode of real housewices of OC. Ok inhardly ever watch stuff like this and never read gossi0 mags etc. He got up and told me in a nasty way he wouldnt be watching this "brain rot" and walked away making me feel humiliated and embarrassed.
But months later he watched something equally bad and i called it brain rot. He agreed but said he enjoyed it...

Whisky2014 · 14/01/2017 12:46

Oh and my partner is nice. I think it was just a mix of the way he said it while leaving the room.

Optimist1 · 14/01/2017 13:16

You're being a little bit precious, IMO, because by describing the programme as a "guilty pleasure" you're acknowledging that it is a bit shit aren't you? But you being a bit precious doesn't mean that he isn't judgmental, so keep your radar on for future comments!

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