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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Second marriage not working out, what should I do?

59 replies

Henriettatheeighth · 13/01/2017 21:16

Hope someone can offer useful insight as I'm in a bit of a mess. Sorry if it's long.

Got married last year, 2DS from previous marriage/divorce, happily settled with DH /step dad. Lovely kind man, does a lot for us all, we are good friends. However I feel that is all we are.

Marriage totally platonic, only had sex once since honeymoon (almost a year). We've talked through this, had blood tests etc, no problem found, bottom line is he is not that interested and never will be. The cumulative effect of this is now I have completely lost any attraction I had, and I don't think this will change. My confidence is pretty bruised. I'm starting to notice all the annoying things that happen when you live with someone, and really pining for the days when it was just me and the boys. I resent DH for condemning me to a celibate life which is not what I wanted. At least I had hope when I was single. Now there is no hope.

My mind is spelling over with all sorts of questions. Would moving out with the DSs be bad for them? I'm already guilty about the first break up and though that second marriage would be stable for them. if I end it, how on earth can I explain it to all our family and friends? I would be mortified if anyone knew. I will end up looking like I am totally fickle and have simply changed my mind....again.....bringing me onto another thing.....is it really bad being divorced twice? When I'm still in my 30s? Also worried about childcare, have no family nearby and now working full time so worried about managing that (only worked pt when single before).

Feel trapped, can't stay but can't leave either, and it's making me very unhappy. I can't discuss with anyone in real life.

OP posts:
Pagwatch · 13/01/2017 21:21

He has had blood tests but what about counselling?

What does he say when you tell him it's making you deep,y unhappy?

Original poster
Henriettatheeighth · 13/01/2017 21:28

Says he didn't realise beforehand (before marriage) it would be a problem.
He is a very private person and found it very difficult even seeing GP so I'm not sure about counselling. Plus I'm not sure it would help me. It's impossible to stay attracted to someone you know isn't that into you. He says I have 'given up'. But it's not that simple.

OP posts:
storynanny · 13/01/2017 21:34

Just to answer one part of your post ( I don't want to make any assumptions about anything else)! I have been divorced twice for much of the same reasons as you. My now adult children are absolutely fine and have made their own separate relationships with their father/stepfather as they have grown up.
I am sometimes embarrassed to admit it to people, but actually it is nobody's business except your own. My closest friends were very supportive as were my parents at the time.
Life is not a dress rehearsal.

Pagwatch · 13/01/2017 21:36

I'm not saying it is simple.

If my DH was no longer interested he would be upset because he would want to be interested.
He would want to explore counselling to try and discover why he felt no desire because he loves me.
And he is a private person but it would matter to him because I matter to him.

My desire to stay in the relationship would be dependent upon how much he wanted me to be happy and what counselling uncovered about his loss of desire.

MaybeDoctor · 13/01/2017 21:40

I don't know. If you only got married last year that would be really very soon to end the marriage - just in my opinion.

I am not the best person to advise on this. I am in a very long marriage with an even longer relationship that has gone through huge peaks and troughs. I tend to think that over a lifespan those look smaller from a distance, iykwim. But I know that isn't a fashionable view, which tends more towards serial monogomy.

But you sound troubled. Flowers Would counselling be worth a go?

MaybeDoctor · 13/01/2017 21:42

lovely, kind man
That isn't to be sniffed at. There are lots of sexy bastards out there!

Original poster
Henriettatheeighth · 13/01/2017 21:42

Thanks storynanny
I do worry a lot about what DH family will think of me. My own family are more laid back so I think they will be surprised but not judgemental.
Good to know your DC were OK with it all. I really want the best for mine, tbh was probably thinking more about them than myself when I got together with now DH!
Do you mind me asking, how did you break the news about the second split? I was thinking "we get on really well but only as friends" might suffice (if it comes to that)

OP posts:
SaltySeaDog72 · 13/01/2017 21:46

How long have you and dh been together altogether?

Original poster
Henriettatheeighth · 13/01/2017 21:50

To answer the other comments, DH is quite a bit older than me, so the issue is unlikely to be addressed by counselling....it's probably a consequence of his age. Didn't want to drip feed but that's quite an identifying piece of info to anyone who knows us.
Would be a different scenario if we'd been together for years and it was a new issue. We would have had a history of good experiences behind us so wouldn't matter as much.
But it does make me wonder whether I my standards are too high. Maybe I should be grateful and make the best of it.
Thanks for all your comments

OP posts:
Original poster
Henriettatheeighth · 13/01/2017 21:51

Been together 2 years

OP posts:
inlectorecumbit · 13/01/2017 21:57

You are young and get only one chance at life--you owe it to yourself and your DC's to be the happiest you can be. This is not the relationship for you.

Leave while you are still young and find the happiness and relationship that is right for you.

SaltySeaDog72 · 13/01/2017 22:02

Do you and dh get sufficient alone-time now that you're married? Do you think there is a chance dh could have been a rebound relationship? Two years isn't very long, something must have changed rather rapidly..

Could you go to counselling on your own?

Original poster
Henriettatheeighth · 13/01/2017 22:06

Thanks inlecto
That's kind of how I feel deep down. Makes me sad that I have f**d up again though.

OP posts:
AshesandDust · 13/01/2017 22:09

'You are young and get only one chance at life--you owe it to yourself and your DC's to be the happiest you can be. This is not the relationship for you.

Leave while you are still young and find the happiness and relationship that is right for you.'

This ^^

AshesandDust · 13/01/2017 22:09

*This ^^

LindyHemming · 13/01/2017 22:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

storynanny · 13/01/2017 22:10

Well, the eldest 2 were university age and they are the sons from my first marriage ( emotionally and financially abusive, ended when they were 2 and 4, rushed into marriage with safe lovely man) and I talked to them about how their stepfather was a really lovely man, but we were living together as friends and I couldn't live like that for the rest of my of. They were very supportive and said they wanted me to be happy. Youngest was 15, son from second marriage. He was perfectly OK as his dad and I are still really good friends and live one street away from each other. We talked to him in a similar way to the eldest but together. We have continued to do some things together as a family.
I appreciate that it will not necessarily be the same experience for you though.
One of my fears was that they wouldn't choose to form permanent relationships themselves due to seeing it all going wrong twice. My eldest is just married this year, middle married ten years.

Original poster
Henriettatheeighth · 13/01/2017 22:10

Was on my own for 3 years after separated from DC dad. But first relationship since. Don't know if that counts as rebound.....have wondered though.....first husband was quite nasty so it felt reassuring that DH was so safe and nice in comparison.

I'm not great at relationships though. History of lurching from one disaster to the next in teens/twenties. I have considered solo counselling, I might be able to access it through work, thanks for the suggestion salty

OP posts:
QueenyLaverne · 13/01/2017 22:14

What was your sex life like before you got married?

Original poster
Henriettatheeighth · 13/01/2017 22:14

Oh storynanny first two lines of your post really resonate with me.
interesting to see the similarities. Thanks for replying.

euphemia was better before, not great but thought would improve but instead got worse.

OP posts:
Isadora2007 · 13/01/2017 22:15

It's not necessarily due to his age unless he is late 70s! That's a cop out and so is his feelings of privacy etc.
You need to talk- he needs to tell you whether he is attracted to you or not as you deserve to be with someone who is attracted to you. Even if he didn't feel particularly sexual feelings he should still be able to and want to pleasure you. Even people with ED issues are able to have fulfilling sexual relationships if they are considerate.
If he isn't attracted then there is your answer. Can you live with someone who is nice and caring and kind? Can you have that partnership without passion?

I would definitely pursue counselling as he surely cannot be happy that this is it for him too? You have only been married a short while and felt strongly enough to make that step so it seems odd neither of you want to fight for it now.

SaltySeaDog72 · 13/01/2017 22:18

Hmmm similar here, I was in an emotionally abusive relationship with a miserable man. My first relationship after that, was with someone lovely and nurturing and attentive and safe (like an emotional 'spa break') but I outgrew him, emotionally (I was in therapy at the time) he was wrong for me. I think that's a rebound thing..

Perhaps you have more growing and healing to do.. And that's Ok?

I do think work on your relationship with yourself (with a good therapist) and take it from there?

bibbitybobbityyhat · 13/01/2017 22:22

You royally cocked up, op.

Time to apologise hugely to everyone, own your mistake, move on.

And don't rush up the aisle next time.

Original poster
Henriettatheeighth · 13/01/2017 22:25

No not late 70s!
Says he is attracted, but doesn't act like he is, and actions speak louder than words In my opinion.
Not sure if I want a 'fight'. I had enough of that with my first H.
I agree with people about the time period though. I can't believe how quickly things have changed (or to be more exact, nothing has actually changed, but my feelings about it have).
Plus as I mentioned, it's not much of a turn on, being with someone you know is only doing it for you, and not them self as well.

OP posts:
Original poster
Henriettatheeighth · 13/01/2017 22:30

Harsh but fair bibbity ! Are you Karen off the Apprentice?!

I think solo therapy would be useful. I had some after my first divorce but didn't keep it up. Maybe I should have.
Thanks for all the comments

OP posts: