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Original poster

Second marriage not working out, what should I do?

59 replies

Henriettatheeighth · 13/01/2017 21:16

Hope someone can offer useful insight as I'm in a bit of a mess. Sorry if it's long.

Got married last year, 2DS from previous marriage/divorce, happily settled with DH /step dad. Lovely kind man, does a lot for us all, we are good friends. However I feel that is all we are.

Marriage totally platonic, only had sex once since honeymoon (almost a year). We've talked through this, had blood tests etc, no problem found, bottom line is he is not that interested and never will be. The cumulative effect of this is now I have completely lost any attraction I had, and I don't think this will change. My confidence is pretty bruised. I'm starting to notice all the annoying things that happen when you live with someone, and really pining for the days when it was just me and the boys. I resent DH for condemning me to a celibate life which is not what I wanted. At least I had hope when I was single. Now there is no hope.

My mind is spelling over with all sorts of questions. Would moving out with the DSs be bad for them? I'm already guilty about the first break up and though that second marriage would be stable for them. if I end it, how on earth can I explain it to all our family and friends? I would be mortified if anyone knew. I will end up looking like I am totally fickle and have simply changed my mind....again.....bringing me onto another thing.....is it really bad being divorced twice? When I'm still in my 30s? Also worried about childcare, have no family nearby and now working full time so worried about managing that (only worked pt when single before).

Feel trapped, can't stay but can't leave either, and it's making me very unhappy. I can't discuss with anyone in real life.

OP posts:
wtf2015 · 13/01/2017 22:34

Married for 15 years to father of dc who was physically and emotionally abusive, few years after divorce moved in with new partner and his dc. Moved out 18 months ago which was the best thing I have done for my children. They could tolerate an unhappy mum when it was their dad she was married to but not someone they had no link with. Besides, do you want your children growing up thinking that life is to be endured and that you can't say 'I'm sorry, I made a mistake, let's start again on our own'... just don't go for dh3!!

inlectorecumbit · 13/01/2017 22:51

Take some time out and learn how to be single again. Explore really what you want in a relationship but don't rush into anything in the near or not so near future,
Spend time building yourself up, spend time with the DC's, learn how to live on your own, get to know yourself again, what you really want in life.
You haven't fd up again, you have just not chosen wisely and you are not suited.
Stuff what anyone else thinks or says- your life, your decision to make, you can settle for a life not quite complete or break free and discover something better.

Original poster
Henriettatheeighth · 13/01/2017 23:05

I want my DSs to have a happy mum that's true wtf
Thanks for the advice inlecto and the kind comments.
Feel better having heard a few different points of view. Was expecting more 'you made your bed' type comments (like the ones in my head!)

OP posts:
TheNaze73 · 13/01/2017 23:31

I know you said bibbity was being harsh but, I totally agree.

I just can't fathom how you can know enough about somebody after 2 years to marry them.

You're in for a sad time, if you do nothing. I'd have to get out. And put the breaks on, next time!

mamakena · 14/01/2017 00:11

"I just can't fathom how you can know enough about somebody after 2 years to marry them."

I disagree, it depends on how much time and openness you share. Plenty of people are happily married after 1 year courtship.

No need to shame OP, what's done is done...she could not predict things. OP, do what you believe is best for you and DCs.

Hermonie2016 · 14/01/2017 08:56

I think 2 years is not long when you have children to consider.However I don't feel you are to blame.I can relate to the decision process as you assumed you had all the good bits of first husband but with kindness of 2nd.

I would pursue counselling as you seem to have given up quite quickly, especially if the issue is only recent.It seems you are seeking validation of attractiveness from your DH through sex, but perhaps he shows you he's attractive to you in other ways?
Could your self esteem be low or are you looking for a way out? if sex was 2x a week would you have posted? I just feel there is something more behind this that needs exploring.Do you feel you have lost more than you gained by marrying? Could that be related to work/house etc.

Ending the relationship isn't the biggest issue but the logistics are more of a factor, such as where will you live, can you afford a place of your own?

Gallavich · 14/01/2017 09:06

You royally cocked up, op.

Time to apologise hugely to everyone, own your mistake, move on.

And don't rush up the aisle next time.

Harsh but fair. You were married after less than 2 years which considering you have children was very risky. You had a disappointing sex life but you ignored that fact despite knowing that sex was important to you and hoping it would get better (why?) without seemingly having a conversation about it (your husband didn't think it mattered to you?)
There is no point in staying in a marriage that doesn't make you happy. But you also need to learn that you don't need a man/marriage to be a family with your kids.
I made a decision a while ago not to have a live in partner until ds is old enough not to 'notice' too much. Late teens probably. I want to raise him and I don't need help with that, unless it's from his family (dad, GPs, aunts and uncles). His life is him and me, it's not fair to introduce a new person imo.
I know step families can work really well but for me it's not worth the risk. I think you should decide something similar.

Sayhellopolly · 14/01/2017 09:13

I have to agree with the comments really but what's done is done and you just need to be brave and admit it was a mistake and move on. Don't waste any more time on what was probably a mistake in the first place.

SandyY2K · 14/01/2017 09:16

What I don't understand is how he thinks this is fair and acceptable to you.

If the sex isn't good premarriage, it only gets worse afterwards.

You need to tell him the effect it's having on you and that you're leaning towards ending the marriage.

I know we are where we are, but especially when kids are involved, you really need to know the person is what you want as you find them, with no expectation of change.

It would be different if the sex was great before marriage.

Another option is an open relationship, but I don't think you'll want that even if he agrees to it.

Raaaaaah · 14/01/2017 09:22

Did you have a good or any sex life before you married? What happened to alter that? Or did you go into marriage knowing that it was not going to happen?
Honestly it sounds like your mind is made up and if that is the case then you do need to do a bibbety. You don't need us to give you permission.

TheElephantofSurprise · 14/01/2017 09:31

Stop wasting your time.
Get out, get your children out.
Don't move in with any other men, or marry them. Let your children grow up without a succession of 'fathers'. Be their stability.
Good luck with finding appropriate lovers and having a decent life. No-one deserves enforced celibacy.

BakeOffBiscuits · 14/01/2017 09:52

I think life is too short to put up with this situation. You're unhappy after a year of marriage, if you stayed long term you're unhappiness will only get worse- that isn't fair in you or your sons.
Please don't worry about what others will think or say. I think your ex and your relatives may well be worried you'll rush into marriage again, they have a right to worry because of the DC. So you reassured them that you won't be doing that and will be going for counselling.

BakeOffBiscuits · 14/01/2017 09:53

Excuse typos!

Cricrichan · 14/01/2017 10:01

I understand why you fell for all the good bits of your dh2 after all you went through with your ex, but now reality is setting in and you're just not attracted to him. He might not be either. You like each other, enjoy being with each other but nothing more. That's a friendship and not a relationship and just because you've been married before doesn't mean that in your 30s you're condemned to being with someone for the rest of your life because you've used up your chances.

Aside from the fact that you'll end up resenting him (you already are) which will descend into treating each other not very nicely and the kids will pick up on that. Also, you're more likely to fall for someone else.

So finish this now before it gets nasty or before it gets complicated by OM.

I don't think anyone here needs to tell you to take it slowly next time. All the best xx

Original poster
Henriettatheeighth · 14/01/2017 10:01

To answer some questions/comments:
I went into the marriage thinking that one aspect wasn't perfect but everything else was, so was happy with that. Was not prepared for sex life to completely end shortly after. and the problem is more the effects of this on the whole relationship not the sex per se.
As for logistics, have been on my own before in much worse circumstances so I know it is possible. The fact that DH is supportive materially makes me feel worse. If we're in a platonic relationship then I'm only with him for what I get. Not true of course and I'd rather be poor and independent than well off and unhappy.
As for comments about 'successions of fathers' etc, I guess it is precisely that reaction that worries me. That a second divorce will be sterotyped in that manner.
For the record I knew DH for years before we got together, and haven't had any other relationships since first divorce, I am about as far from being a slapper/bad mum as you can get. An open relationship would be completely abhorrent to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Henriettatheeighth · 14/01/2017 10:09

Thanks for comments bakeoff and cric
I am worried about what other people will think/say and know that shouldn't stop me from doing the right thing.

OP posts:
HeWoreAGirlsCardigan · 14/01/2017 10:28

Don't worry about what others in RL may think or say. You don't have to tell anyone the reason. Come up with something like, "It just didn't work out", and leave it at that. No one has the right to know the reasons why.
I don't agree with the two year thing. Two years is plenty of time to get to know someone. It depends how much time you spend together. I met my DH in the November and we got married the following summer. We are still together 18 years later. Was it a bit of a punt? Maybe? We agreed to give it a shot and split with our own worldly good intact if it didn't.
My previous DP did what you are experiencing. Great sex life until we bought a house together and then he totally shut up shop and it wasn't up for discussion either. I felt weird leaving because I wanted sex! I didn't tell anyone why or allude to it. It was complicated to get out of for several reasons but there was zero intimacy or affection and therefore the rest suffered too. If I had wanted a friend I would have moved in with a friend!
Get the ball rolling and don't feel bad. I don't think you made a mistake. I think you were mis-sold.

Hermonie2016 · 14/01/2017 10:38

Get some solo counselling before ending this marriage, at least you will know you have tried all avenues.It could be that this is totally wrong but it would help you to know in future what got you here.Did you ignore your instincts? Are you missing your old life.I relate to this, as being a single mum is often very enjoyable, especially when you have a partner.It's all the benefits without the responsibilities.

Do you and him express any physical affection to each other?

slipslidingaway88 · 14/01/2017 10:53

I think before you make any more drastic changes you owe it to yourself and your DC to go counselling and sort yourself out. To be blunt, as it stands, there is no reason to believe you would choose better next time. You need to figure out what's driving your poor choices in men and if indeed DH2 is a bad choice.

DorindaJ · 14/01/2017 10:58

Are you entirely sure that there is no way that the marriage can be salvaged?

I am usually an LTB poster, however I think that you may be bolting from this relationship rather than attempting to resolve difficulties. Do you have the skill set to resolve difficulties? He sounds like a good guy, are you two affection, warm and kind to each other? Do you feel like a team/a couple? Were you ever like that? What's (really) happened?

Perhaps it might be worth taking your time to look at this relationship, with and without your husband before you get ready to leave.

Imfree · 14/01/2017 11:07

What would your plans be if you did end it? Would you be wanting to couple up with another man as soon as you could? I agree some counselling would help clarify things for you, probably before you end it for good, having only given it a year.

SaltySeaDog72 · 14/01/2017 11:10

Why do you say 'the bottom line is he isn't interested, and never will be'

Is that what he said?

DianaT1969 · 14/01/2017 11:16

When he says that 'you have given up' what do you think he means? Does he mean you've given up on your appearance since marrying?
On anothet note, as it will affect your future if you stay together, do you get the feeling he might be gay or bisexual?
Has he said that he enjoyed sex with other female partners in the past, or that he's always had a low libido?

DozyDorissimo · 14/01/2017 11:19

We don't know anything about his relationship before you....was he divorced and what was behind that?

My feelings on your cirs are :
You are only a year into the marriage so he owes it to you to seek help and understand his loss of desire. If he knows what this is already but isn't being honest with you, that's not fair.

I think you both need to work out what attracted you to each other. if there is a big age gap ( 15-20 years?) was he looking to 'father and protect' someone, and has a low sex drive anyway, and were you - subconsciously- looking for a kind, father figure?

Understanding the dynamics will help both of you either mend this or walk away and not repeat the same thing again.

growapear · 14/01/2017 11:27

You are only a year into the marriage so he owes it to you to seek help and understand his loss of desire

It doesn't really sound like he ever had the desire in the first place which is the problem. It's for this reason that I find the decision to marry surprising, but some people don't seem that bothered about sex, there seem to be plenty women on here who think that anyone that expects sex in a marriage is being totally unreasonable.

Agree with PP you don't have to tell anyone why you are leaving and life's too short to stick around hoping things will magically get better. That said - the fact he went to see the GP does count in his favour.