Second marriage not working out, what should I do?

[Henriettatheeighth]

Hope someone can offer useful insight as I'm in a bit of a mess. Sorry if it's long.

Got married last year, 2DS from previous marriage/divorce, happily settled with DH /step dad. Lovely kind man, does a lot for us all, we are good friends. However I feel that is all we are.

Marriage totally platonic, only had sex once since honeymoon (almost a year). We've talked through this, had blood tests etc, no problem found, bottom line is he is not that interested and never will be. The cumulative effect of this is now I have completely lost any attraction I had, and I don't think this will change. My confidence is pretty bruised. I'm starting to notice all the annoying things that happen when you live with someone, and really pining for the days when it was just me and the boys. I resent DH for condemning me to a celibate life which is not what I wanted. At least I had hope when I was single. Now there is no hope.

My mind is spelling over with all sorts of questions. Would moving out with the DSs be bad for them? I'm already guilty about the first break up and though that second marriage would be stable for them. if I end it, how on earth can I explain it to all our family and friends? I would be mortified if anyone knew. I will end up looking like I am totally fickle and have simply changed my mind....again.....bringing me onto another thing.....is it really bad being divorced twice? When I'm still in my 30s? Also worried about childcare, have no family nearby and now working full time so worried about managing that (only worked pt when single before).

Feel trapped, can't stay but can't leave either, and it's making me very unhappy. I can't discuss with anyone in real life.

Thanks everyone.

I've deliberately not said much about DH history, don't want too much info on here for fear of recognition in real life.

Definitely would not want to be coupling up again soon if it does not work out! As many people have said, this would be a really bad idea. I do need to talk to someone about my history of poor choices in men. It's strange as I feel like I can make sensible decisions in other aspects of my life but relationships is a real gap. I'd be quite happy as a single mum.

I agree that more discussion is needed, I need to know that whatever happens is the right thing to do.

Given he's kind to you, he's taken on another man's kids and he's told you he's attracted to you, I would be inclined to fight a bit harder for this marriage.

What exactly is the issue? Is it low sex drive and/or is it ED? He's been to see his GP and that must have been an excruciatingly embarrassing appointment for him if he's a private person, so it sounds like he may be willing to fight to save your marriage too.

How much physical intimacy do you have? I'm not talking about sex, I'm talking about touching - hand on the back, a quick cuddle, kissing (from the very chaste to a full on snog), sharing the same bed. If he's attracted to you, it shouldn't be a hardship to make more of an effort to be closer to you in those ways. It's important that you have share those intimate gestures to reinforce you aren't just two friends co-parenting, you're more than that.

If you can regain the intimacy, the lack of sex may well become a problem that you both want to solve.

Of course, if you find that you don't love him anymore and you can't get that connection back, walking away is what you have to do. I think you should fight for your marriage, but if you truly can't save it, don't stay trapped.

Does he know you're at the point of divorce or does he just think you're a bit unhappy?

Its very harsh of posters to make some of these comments if they havent lived through these situations themselves.
I met my partner of 11 years after my second divorce and it has reiterated how it simply is impossible to have good mental health if you are in an unhappy marriage. He is my absolute soulmate and my adult children have fully accepted him in our extended family.

Was not prepared for sex life to completely end shortly after. and the problem is more the effects of this on the whole relationship not the sex per se

He sold you an illusion.

What's going on his head that he thinks this is acceptable?
He should have brought it up with you ages ago, not strung you along.

Makes me wonder what his real motive was for getting married - a companion to look after him when he gets old?

^^ this couldn't is absolutely right his true colours are showing

What I would say is that it's your life to live and sod anyone else look after your children n yourself you don't have to do anything you don't want to ever again

It sounds a bit op like you have no self-confidence, OP, rather than being impulsive and rash. So, you settled for your current dh even though you knew he was not quite right, almost as if you didn't think you deserved anything better.

You're allowed to make mistakes. Some people make catastrophic mistakes in their professional life, in their friendships, etc. You just made yours in your most intimate relationships. How was your parents relationship? I'd bet my bottom dollar it wasn't totally healthy.

What has he said about it though?

Is it really as hopeless as you think?

Is it a low sex drive he has/impotence or did he specifically say he didn't find you attractive???

Is he watching porn?

Don't beat yourself up OP. He moved the goalposts AFTER you were married, it seems. Might be worth considering some counselling, as a couple, before throwing the towel in, or on your own, if he is resistant to it. On your own, you could explore the choices you have made, and would be less likely to make the wrong choice. He could put this right for you, if he chooses not to, he is not valuing the marriage. Doesn't matter what other people think. Walk a mile in someone else's shoes and all that.

Great to hear a happy ending after two divorces so thank you storynanny

Good point about other people making mistakes in other areas too shurley not that I should feel better about other people's mistakes but I hadn't thought of it that way. I probably am lacking in confidence, was never that confident, and 3 years of being a single mum on benefits sent it to an all time low I think. You're also totally right about my parents. They hated each other throughout my whole childhood, don't have a single memory of them being other than contemptuous towards each other, they finally separated when I was 15. I was glad. My siblings both have good marriages though, I'm the only one it seems to have affected.

I think the problem is low libido quite likely I know this is not the same as ED as the desire is there with ED and he has no desire. There is simply no way he would be interested in porn. He does seem to have moved the goalposts since marriage, there was effort before which masked the issue so I didn't realise it would be this bad.

Love your comment paddlenorapaddle thanks.