Liar liar pants on fire

[Adory]

I know I am being lied to by my OH. It can be lies that make no sense 'I told you that before' when I have no recollection (nor does my sister whom I tell absolutely everything - though he doesn't know that!) to lies about money, where he's going/been etc.

I know the stampede may come to say LEAVE HIM LEAVE HIM... but I won't do that, so please help me deal with it or suggest what to do rather than tell me what an idiot I am and how I could do better.

He has a history of lying according to a close family member who gets very irate when he knows he's lied again.

Help me, I feel like I'm drowning 😰

Honestly op - I'm going to go against the grain here; get the problem right out in the open and if necessary let family members know too. The shit will massively hit the fan but surely that would be better than you tiptoeing around trying to protect him and worrying yourself sick?

I have heard a lot of these scenarios that lead to people growing up as compulsive liars, but I have encountered a couple of people to whom none of this applied. Adory it sounds like a really exhausting way to live.

You are tying yourself up in knots.

Ask yourself one thing.

Does he make you happy?

Well if you really can't detach then I think you should leave.

My post with the three options early in the thread was basically 1. Detach, 2. Challenge and 3. Leave.

You say you can't detach and you definitely should not challenge him while pg/new baby so really you are left with leave.

You seem to be asking if we can offer you any tips to get your partner to stop lying. No, I don't think we can.

Get a new partner, who isn't a compulsive liar.

You have shown him what the consequences of a supposedly deal-breaking lie are: nothing. He now knows you will stay with him however massively he lies, so why on earth would he change his ways? From what ypu have posted, there isn't the slightest hint that he is interested in changing. He just wants to avoid getting caught. You are 100% deluding yourself if you think anything you say is going to change him.

Nobody on here can help you to stop him lying.

If he's refusing any form of therapy (which means he can never change) and you're refusing to leave, then you really must go and see a therapist yourself as you are going to show your child that they have to tread on eggshells around Daddy, and Mummy accepts it, so that is how relationships work (this goes whether it's male or female doing the lying).

I definitely feel like leaving, having seen all this advice, could be the only option to keep my sanity. I just thought that in the beginning and didn't want a lot of posts saying leave when other ideas may be helpful. I'm undecided how to go about things obviously trying to keep stress levels at a manageable level for the sake of my child if not me. I think possibly getting a family member on board (his) may help share the burden of the whopper that will unfold in the next few days (if he hasn't remedied it already that is). Thank you, I know it's frustrating.

Sharing the burden is a very good idea

After nearly 10 years and three kids with my gaslighting ex my advice is to get out now before you end up broken.

Who are you doing this for? You are putting enormous amounts of energy in to making yourself stay with someone who has no respect for you. Why?

So you are saying you have to live with this because you are about to have his baby?
Well, is most of this lying about drinking with the mates, finances, where he's been, jobs he should have done?
You are setting you & your DC for a long miserable future, until he either grows up, or you leave. People who are Passive Agressive rarely change.
& THIS is what you should say to him NOW. You will not accept it, so either he stops being an incompetent deceitful child, or you & your baby are leaving. & btw, you do not have to put his name on the birth cert, which will save a lot of future angst which you can also tell him
All this, whether you are financially dependent on him or not

Having everything out in the open might be painful and embarrassing, but it is the way forward.
Lies, detective work, cover stories - all of this does not lead to a happy family life! I don't think you can ever be in a meaningful relationship with a pathological liar, as you would never be able to trust. There is a baby in the mix, if you don't trust him now, how will you trust him with your baby?

The challenge is to challenge him. I wish I felt I had an allay. I'm worried about sharing this issue with someone, and them taking his side. But the worse that can happen there, I suppose is they both think I'm awful - what does it matter though in the long run.
It feels like a huge step and it's extremely daunting.
I put up with it, well I thought it was over and done until very recently so it's not as though I put up with it really. I know it's wrong of him and not my fault, but i have a good life with him and enjoy our home, family and time together but this is too much to handle at times.

I find this whole site useful, but maybe this article will help:

outofthefog.website/top-100-trait-blog/2015/11/4/pathological-lying?rq=lying

Please do not under-estimate the damage to your well-being, your life and your baby, even in utero, living with this tension. Stressful experiences in the first 3 years of life affect children's brain development in areas such as emotions, stress response.
As Mix says, consider whether to put his name on the birth certificate. To do so would give him decision-making and financial responsibilities as a parent. To not name him would give you autonomy over baby's upbringing e.g. where you live, schools, access visits.
I really doubt he will change. You would be flogging a dead horse to think he will. He's laughing at you on the other side of his face, thinking you are an idiot for putting up with him and not finding out about the lies you don't know about. He even trampled all over your "deal breaker" and you took him back.
It can be very difficult to stick by your boundaries but you instinctively set them to protect yourself. Have courage to follow through.

Is there any point challenging him? He'll just lie won't he?
I would have thought if you are going to leave, it would be easier and kinder to do it before your baby is born when not only you will need to detach emotionally, but your baby as well.

Maybe there are other DCs?

The thing is there is a classic scenario. Once you challenge, he will deny, lie & deflect, or finally play the "remorse card", & give you a shed load of apologies, & promises to never do it again, in between blaming it , at least partially, on you, because, you nag, don't listen, get things mixed up, (this is the PA classic) & accuse you of meddling & snooping...
at which point you will feel obliged to defend your actions & get embroiled defending yourself.
You need to be ready for this trap.

If you challenge, could you get a family member present ?

1).You tell him you know that, say as an example: the mortgage hasn't been paid, & you are living in fear of losing your home. He has been lying about paying
2.), He will deflect, that he hasn't recieved the reminders, then attack re snooping.
3) You defend yourself, he throws a tantrum, & you end up doubting yourself.
alternative 3) *This is not working for me, living with a pathological liar & the continual lack of respect is not an option. You are leaving.

detach, & do NOT defend or justify, Don't get drawn in, Just say NO,
as you know, "NO" is a whole sentence.

What is the whopper?

Please get real and leave him. He tells lies all the time, the dangerous bit is he probably actually believes them himself.

My ex dp had a habit of bending the truth and exaggerating, he would say I had said things that I hadn't said, his stories got worse and worse and less believable, the last few weeks I was with him the lies got really stupid and it was as if he was trying to make out that I had seen things that were not there. Anyway, turned out he had been telling much bigger lies and I caught him out, I looked on his phone and found he had met up with several women for sex, when I confronted him he chucked a load of lies at me, none which made any sense as the evidence was there right in front of me ( they had sent each other naked photos and arranged to meet up ), at this point I knew I could never have him back and I chucked him out. Looking back I can see how bloody stupid I had been staying with him, things are so much easier now he's gone and I don't have to play his games.

Call him out on his lies. Point out he is a liar and make him feel caught out and ashamed of his behaviour. Tell him you will not stand for it and to stop it. No niceties, just be firm and look him in the eye to let him know how serious his lying is.

My ex to a T. I wanted to keep everything together and make sure a future was secure. I have found, to my cost, that you cannot do this with a liar. A liar is someone you cannot trust. It really is as basic as that. Would you buy a car from a liar? A house from a liar? Why risk your future with a liar.

If I leave him, he will just keep doing this to others. I need to do my absolute best to try to stop the cycle with me.

Why is it your responsibility and why is it your problem what lies he tells a new partner?

Your making excuses to stay with him. Stay if you want, but that's just an excuse.

The reason he continues to lie to you and others, is because you've tolerated it. By staying with him, you accept it.

The red flags were there and yet you pushed through (hoping for a change), but compulsive liars can't help themselves, without professional help or unless they loose people they love as a result of the lies.

He refuses professional help like counselling and he hasn't lost anyone he loves through the lies. On the contrary, you've stayed after a devastating lie and become even more committed by having a baby, which gives you more reasons to want to stay.

He has no motivation to stop lying, because everything carries on as normal for him once the dust has settled. He knows you're not going anywhere.

My ex is with a new partner and they have children together. She is the trusting sort, despite being his affair partner, and he hers. I bet now she has children, she is getting lies daily. It's exhausting. And quite frankly not worth all the simultaneous orgasms this world has to offer.