Liar liar pants on fire

[Adory]

I know I am being lied to by my OH. It can be lies that make no sense 'I told you that before' when I have no recollection (nor does my sister whom I tell absolutely everything - though he doesn't know that!) to lies about money, where he's going/been etc.

I know the stampede may come to say LEAVE HIM LEAVE HIM... but I won't do that, so please help me deal with it or suggest what to do rather than tell me what an idiot I am and how I could do better.

He has a history of lying according to a close family member who gets very irate when he knows he's lied again.

Help me, I feel like I'm drowning 😰

[Adory]

Pickle I will remember that. It's so hard when I'm frustrated but I have not tried that technique before so will do that, thank you so much!! It's going to be tricky because he doesn't know that I know the lies he's told. It's never anything as obvious as a missing pie, unfortunately, but thank you

[TheUpsideDown]

My FIL and DSS are both like this. Both DH and I get so frustrated with it. We can't understand why MIL has managed 32 years married to FIL.

And its an EXTREMELY difficult relationship with DSS as 95% of what he speaks is lies - right from really big lies to the most trivial unnecessary lies. No amount of pulling him up and calling him out on his lies stops it... In fact it just seems to spark a chain of even more lies which becomes intolerable and exasperating.

But we have to continue to put up with it as its DHs son and DH hopes one day it will stop (even though DSS has been habitual lying since he was about 9 yrs old and he's now 16, and its gotten substantially worse oiver the last couple of years, and horrendous this last 12 mths).

But if DH was like this too there's not a chance we would have made it to marriage and children. And if we did I couldn't stay with a man I couldn't trust. If they lie about so much to their DP then the marriage, IMO, is a lie too.

With your DH, is it compulsive habitual lying? Or generally just going behind ypour back about things he thinks you may be angry at/stop him from doing?

[NaughtyNiffler]

Oh that's frustrating on top of it all! Have you had a sit down and a chat about how it makes you feel and how he's feeling and whether he thinks there's a problem?

[AnnieAnoniMouse]

Nothing will change him.

What picklemepopcorn said, is a good technique for children, it's a slow process, but it can work.

With an adult, you'll throttle him before it works.

You are about to have a baby, congratulations, babies are lovely 💐 It's unfortunate he's the father, because you'll be tied to him & his lying ways now.

But you NEED to leave him. You will do far better as a single parent, than you will staying with someone who can't tell the truth & gaslights you.

[Adory]

Trolls I have a terrible memory but my sister remembers better. I remember sporadic things and there are things he's said he's told me (that I really would of thought I'd remember!) but can't (nor my sister!) but he doesn't do that very often at all thank goodness

[Offred]

I think if you are about to have his baby then you need to really focus on that right now.

Honestly, tackling this can wait. Unless he does something really stupid.

You need to let yourself off parenting him for a while I think and think about yourself and the baby.

[Offred]

And I agree that what pickle says would work with a traumatised child and a parent but it isn't likely to be manageable or to have much success with an adult man who is getting all the power and control in a relationship by lying.

[Adory]

Theupsidedown it's both, 'The Whopper' was a deal breaker, but though it came close, we didn't break up. Others will be stupid things like where he's going, why there's no money left etc

Naughty he's known from our first meeting that I despise being lied to, I'm totally approachable and will work through just about anything (as you can tell!) but it's so much worse to find out things by catching him out on lies. He's not a man who does well at talking feelings etc unfortunately

[Adory]

Oops sorry!! Left bold on!

[Adory]

Just airing this problem has made me feel masses better tbh! Thank you, I know it's hard when the one piece of sensible advice is rebuffed immediately but I'm a strong character and can use some of the advice and insights to try techniques I'd never thought of.

[TheElephantofSurprise]

Please run for the hills. Or hobble. Just get away.
Don't try to raise a child with this person. It will be bad enough when he's the non-resident parent, lying about why he can't pay this month or about when/if he'll turn up for access, lying about where he'll take the child and who he'll leave the child with, lying about what time he'll have the child back... complete ball-ache. But better than the alternative.

[HopeClearwater]

ex-liars [OP]

You won't get any decent advice from ex-liars, because there aren't any. Sorry.

[NaughtyNiffler]

If it's any consolation, he won't be intentionally gaslighting you or trying to gain power. He's just trying to avoid the fear. I guess it's the shame, as pickle suggested.
He'll prob need to start talking about stuff soon though. You'll need to be on the same page about baby stuff!

[Adory]

Oh dear, that's exactly what his ex sounds like. I fear you are right.

[Adory]

Naughty he literally won't speak if I bring up his lies, or he asks why I'm bringing it up again (he doesn't know I know again) The good news is, I could confidently add 'detective' to my CV

[MsPavlichenko]

Being in a relationship with an abuser (it doesn't matter why he does it) can be nothing other than a disaster with DC/New Baby. However well you think you can " manage him", the unhealthy dynamic will be impacting on your DC from day one.

[Adory]

People who are abusers can become ex-abusers surely? I know it's a cliche for me to hope I will be the one to help him on his journey there. If I leave him, he will just keep doing this to others. I need to do my absolute best to try to stop the cycle with me. And hopefully end up with a decent father of my kids at the end of it!

[category12]

He's the only one who can stop his pattern. He's not even admitting he does this, much less making any effort to change.

[NaughtyNiffler]

Well done detective Adory. Maybe make sure he knows that anything relating to your baby needs to be 100% honest?
Aside from the fibs, is everything else ok with your relationship?

[empirerecordsrocked]

The police don't turn up at 4am for an unpaid speeding fine. I would be worried about why that actually was.

[Adory]

The funniest thing is, he hates being called a liar and is downright indignant if I do say something like 'are you lying to me?'

[category12]

ha ha?

[Adory]

Weirdest then...

[Adory]

Naughty how do I implement that baby honestly thing? From your point of view, what could someone do?

[Adory]

Here's a perfect example - he goes out for 'an hour' 2 hours later I get a text saying his phone is dying but he's staying out for another hour, 2 hours after that I call his phone which rings until answerphone kicks in.