Liar liar pants on fire

[Adory]

I know I am being lied to by my OH. It can be lies that make no sense 'I told you that before' when I have no recollection (nor does my sister whom I tell absolutely everything - though he doesn't know that!) to lies about money, where he's going/been etc.

I know the stampede may come to say LEAVE HIM LEAVE HIM... but I won't do that, so please help me deal with it or suggest what to do rather than tell me what an idiot I am and how I could do better.

He has a history of lying according to a close family member who gets very irate when he knows he's lied again.

Help me, I feel like I'm drowning 😰

You will find much happiness in the control and feeling of security that detaching gives you I think, even if you are not ready to leave. You will be one step ahead and not mired in confusion and anxiety.

And if he has sorted it well good! Nothing lost then because you won't have spent loads of time fretting over it for nothing.

If he doesn't sort it you will be emotionally prepared for it and for the excuses and gaslighting he will likely do.

Just get off his emotional rollercoaster. You don't need it, you can't stop it in its tracks and it really isn't your problem!

Maybe find a talking therapist for yourself, to help you get our your frustrations?
I would tell him you're sorting it and maybe ask him if he could let you know about it if anything like it happens again?

And if you like this kind of thing try listening to this meditation thing every night before sleep - on headphones obviously. It worked wonders for me!

It is specific for a verbally abusive partner.

And yy to a therapist too!!

Adory - The chances of your OH changing are slim. And the chances of him changing are next-to-nothing if he doesn't get help.

Knowing that, and given you want to stay with him, the next best step is for you to go into therapy. Because you'll never change him, but you can absolutely change the way you respond to him, which in turn will change the impact he has on your life.

I lived with a compulsive liar for years and had children with him. It was horrendous. I'm reading your stuff and thinking yep yep yep been there and there... I tried to stay... got him mental health support... treated it like an illness... didn't work... I realised 2 things - it wasn't just me he lied to - he lied to EVERYONE about ANYTHING - which meant it was utterly ingrained in him. Secondly I realised that he had probably lied when he told me he loved me, when he said we were soul mates etc etc - that man would say anything anyone wanted to hear... realising that pulled the wool properly from my eyes and I left. 6 years on he hasn't changed...

Constantly playing detective is exhausting when you need all your energy for your baby and yourself. This man is really bad for your mental wellbeing. It's tormenting, forever trying to make sense of the inconsistencies in what he tells you, trying to get things to add up and make sense. And to think he does it deliberately - the reason is immaterial. Someone who is so cruel and unkind as to make you doubt your own perception of what you see and hear does not love you.
For him, information is power. When he lies he becomes the only one who knows the full truth, enabling him to deceive, control, manipulate, humiliate.
Consider that the basis of healthy relationships is respect, honesty, love and kindness. You aren't getting any of these things.
You sound easy-going and tolerant with a high threshold for bad behaviour. Your DH is abusing your good nature. He is making a monkey of you.
One day you will get that lightbulb moment and leave. But for now, while you still have hope that he will change, things will get better, this leopard will change his spots, you can make excuses for him, you will plough on admirably but misguidedly IMO .

People don't change OP. They can adapt behaviours yes with help. But they have to admit the problem first.

But people fundamentally do not change.

I left my abusive narc when I realised the above. (Oh and the therapist trying to work with him told me to run and never look back)

You know he won't change don't you. You are just hoping he will.

My exH was a liar. Often about quite little things. If pulled up on those, he'd either deny lying, or just say, 'Well, it could have been like that'. He called that 'the imaginative truth'.

It was odd/funny/quirky at first, when these were all small matters - embellishing the truth about things that had happened. Later it became so tiring, so exasperating, as he began to lie about bigger things. Though, to be fair, he never lied about being in trouble with the police (as far as I know).

This was a fair few years ago, so no mobile phones. But you'd be amazed at how many times the train he was coming home on was cancelled or delayed! i.e. he was unable to get in touch with me when we'd made arrangements to do something (a bit like your OH and his phone being out of charge).

He was also an alcoholic, so some (many) of his lies were to cover up the time and money he spent down the pub. This may not be the case with your OH, of course.

We didn't have children, which made it easier for me to leave in the end. But it took me several years. I loved him, but I just couldn't live like that.

And it wasn't just me he lied to - the stories I heard from his friends and his family (even people he was really fond of)! He just couldn't help himself.

He was unhappy with himself, frustrated at the fact that what he wanted to be did not match the reality of what he was doing with his life. We both knew that, but he said he couldn't (wouldn't) do anything about it. I guess he was afraid. I tried to help him; I couldn't. He needed to help himself; I'm so sorry for him that he was unable to do that.

Offred has given you some excellent advice here.

I wish you the best of luck

what does he lie about ?
An ex of mine sounds similar. It used to drive me bonkers (we did split obvs) but I did understand why he did it. He was not a narc. He had massive insecurities mainly as a result of his poor upbringing, heavily dyslexic and was a terrible procrastinator. He would like no to communicate or to avoid admitting he had not done what he was meant to do. AT the time there wasn't internet banking and got red bills all the time it was down to him.

I could go on, but possibly its not helping. All I wanted to say is that he was twisted but not malicious at all. Still infuriating, but he had amazing other qualities and the best heart. Wonder if relate or family therapy could help

Don't police him OP!
Set up your space and boundaries so he can't impact you and baby, own finances etc. Plan as though you are completely independent of him. Then his mess can't land on your doorstep. If you police him, watch out for him, clear up after him it will drive you potty! He can be round the edges if your life, but not in the middle.

This is only going to end one way. Your posts contain obvious lies he has told you which you clearly believe. I think that's the problem. You have an interest in the truth and the only effective way to manage a relationship like this (not sure why anyone would want to) is to know that he has no truth and anything he says is a lie and no stall should be set by it. But this is not you, because you clearly think that if you handle him the right way, you will get to the truth. Why do you think this is good enough for you?

I stayed with a liar for 8 years. Most of the time it was just silly lies, mainly about things he knew I'd get annoyed about if he told me the truth, so he'd lie to avoid an argument. Had a few major fall outs over the years about his lying, he always promised to change etc. Then I found out he was having an affair... and lying about it obviously. Left him. He still lies and will never change.

My ex used to say he had told me things but I knew he hadn't - still does it now. He's always done it - a development of the "I only had two pints" when in fact he had had six !! It was kind of " tell her what she wants to hear to make her happy " with him and was never a reason to leave him. BUT it did make me question my own sanity over the past few years .

My ex also lied all of the time, even about really small things that didn't matter. He also lied to other people (still does) so at least I didn't feel he was just getting at me. I agree with PPs that if you want to stay, the best way to do it is to try to detach from it. You won't 'cure him' because it's his way of coping with the world. In the end I just ignored it, which seemed to work for a while. Belatedly, I realised that because he'd lied about me and our life together for so long he'd actually done me a lot of damage in the eyes of other people, even though each lie in itself seemed small and insignificant (so much so that it would seem petty pulling him up on it). For example, if he went away on a sports trip with his mates, which he did a lot, he'd decide he didn't want to be there after a couple of days and tell them I'd phoned and insisted he came home (not likely, I was glad to have a week to myself!). If your DP also lies to other people, be aware of the damage he might do long-term, over time even small lies can build up into a problem. If he tells a lot of lies he probably gets confused himself between what is the lie and what is the truth, my ex certainly does, and that can get to be a problem too.

• should add he told a lot of whoppers too, especially around money and our relationship, so we now have nearly 20 years of lies stacked on top of each other.

I know a few people who do that, I've never been able to work out why.

If you won't leave him and he won't stop, join him. Every time he tells you a lie pretend like you believe him, then tell your own lie i.e. his best friend phoned when he was out and asked to meet at [insert unusual place here] wave him off with a smile.

There's a parcel next door for him

Timing is everything , you get the idea ;)

Secondly I realised that he had probably lied when he told me he loved me, when he said we were soul mates etc etc - that man would say anything anyone wanted to hear..

OP, I think you really need to read this again, from a pp. You don't actually know who this bloke really is. If he's so addicted to lying you can't trust anything he says to you.

You can't change him, and it's not your responsibility.

that man would say anything anyone wanted to hear..

You are not responsible for him, or for any of the consequences that his lies drop him into. (And I don't believe a 4am knock from the police will be about an unpaid fine.)

He can still be a parent to the child, but you need to leave and concentrate your energy on the child. It'll be tiring enough once the baby is here, and you don't need the extra hassle of dealing with the lies.

The best thing you can do to make life better for you and your baby is to take yourself out of this situation and create a stable home elsewhere.

😂

Ananke that last bit made me chuckle!

Agree in theory with everything pps have said about detaching, but I know that if my home was at risk I would find it very hard to do.

I think, in this case, I would be inclined to step in and sort it just to get rid of the worry and I would tell him exactly what I'd done.

In the long term, though, I would take steps to end the relationship. I know it's shit timing, but honestly - it's only going to get worse the longer you leave it.

The lies are often omission of truths also, things I should know but he's not told me. Because I have found out this whopper that's going on right now (to do with our home) I'm desperately trying to get him to admit, but when I ask if there's anything I should know, tell him I've got a feeling he's hiding something etc, he blames my hormones (so I guess that's classed as gaslighting?!). Both sets of parents would be devastated if they knew. I think his upbringing was good, though one close family member can be quite critical but it's a vicious circle of lies and then feeling let down. What a mess he's making! I would like to try to detach myself and let it be more like water off a ducks back but I know the s**t is about to hit the fan so very difficult to!