Liar liar pants on fire

[Adory]

I know I am being lied to by my OH. It can be lies that make no sense 'I told you that before' when I have no recollection (nor does my sister whom I tell absolutely everything - though he doesn't know that!) to lies about money, where he's going/been etc.

I know the stampede may come to say LEAVE HIM LEAVE HIM... but I won't do that, so please help me deal with it or suggest what to do rather than tell me what an idiot I am and how I could do better.

He has a history of lying according to a close family member who gets very irate when he knows he's lied again.

Help me, I feel like I'm drowning 😰

[TalkingofMichaelAngel0]

Absolutely bloody nothing. You cannot do anything. He wont decide to not just lie about somethings.

[Adory]

Sorry his phone is about to die so won't get any texts etc

[parklives]

My dad is a liar.
You can't have a relationship with a liar, you don't know who they are and they don't want you to know.
Walk away.

[NaughtyNiffler]

I'd hate to be called a liar too despite it.

I'm a mother and would definitely never be untruthful about anything relating to my DC at all. I'm not sure how different it would be for men. Have you chatted much about how things will be after the LO arrives? Maybe approach it in a 'we should make sure we always have X in the bank accounts as spare, just in case' kind of way, maybe chat about the routines and stuff, make lists, checklists so you 'both' (he) know what's expected of eachother (him). I wouldn't say 'we need to be honest/truthful' or anything like that... Iyswim?

[Adory]

Naughty there hasn't been much discussion. The pregnancy, though planned, was a lot earlier than expected (straight after ending contraception) even though we were told it'd be unlikely until the hormones were out of the system. Anyway. It sounds awful but I try not to enter too many future discussions because I'm afraid of the disappointment and anger when I discover the conversation was lies. It's almost like it's got worse since being pregnant. I feel very, very alone. Briefly I feel better, then he will do something that makes me plummet again.

I definitely need help!

[Duckstar]

There was a thread about a lying DH recently. The lies were "white lies", I think feeding the children breakfast ("he said he had when he hadn't) was example".

One of the things came up threaf was about childhood. What were his parents like? Consensus was that often people who lie a lot had parents who use to get incredibly cross if they did something wrong - so they learnt to lie to protect themselves, and then it almost became second nature.

Also culture was brought up. My DH is from a culture where saving face is far more important then truth - lying just isn't frowned upon like it is in UK.

Just flag this up because if there's maybe a reason behind the lying that maybe might be a starting point to work out how he can stop.

[Offred]

This thinking of 'I need to be the one who stops him abusing others' is so seductive (and so admirable in spirit) but so completely wrong I'm afraid.

People don't become ex abusers with a partner they have abused - there is so much temptation to fall into the old pattern of abusing to get power and control.

If it helps at all my ex who is the dad of my eldest two massively improved his behaviour as a result of us splitting up and me insisting on expecting him to behave responsibly with his dc.

He is still a liar though and selfish and he lies to the dc which is sad but I think he doesn't abuse his wife now as far as I can tell, though he abused the GF in between me and the wife.

It isn't your responsibility and it isn't within your power to save either him or any future partners from his choice to behave the way he does.

Let go of the feeling of being responsible for him. Focus on the baby and on separating yourself emotionally, practically and financially from him as much as you can and for heaven's sake absolutely do not start 'project change him' while you are heavily pregnant.

[Offred]

I try not to enter too many future discussions because I'm afraid of the disappointment and anger when I discover the conversation was lies.

This is not awful. This is exactly right.

Do not attempt to rely on him.

Pull back.

He has heard your feelings, repeatedly!

Just look after yourself and the baby.

Him getting worse with pregnancy is to be expected unfortunately, it is very common for abuse to get worse once a woman is 'trapped' by pregnancy or marriage.

[Offred]

Your responsibility is you.

Your responsibility is making sure you have support through the pregnancy and early days.

He is not likely to be much help. Do you have family and friends close?

I think just allowing yourself to let go of the feeling you need to be responsible for sorting him out will massively reduce the emotional burden on you and I'm not surprised you are getting worried about it as the birth looms closer but you can't do anything about him right now (or likely ever) and you'll never get these days back with your bump/baby. That is more important.

Get a support structure around you that doesn't depend on him, free yourself from feeling responsible for getting him sorted and put it to the back of your mind for now. Try to become a casual observer of him rather than a rescuer.

[Adory]

The trouble is that some of the time he ignores a problem that could be sorted - like the police thing- the lie I know about now is along those lines. Soon the problem will get much worse, but I shouldn't know about it. I do though, due to my detective skills! Do I put myself (and thus also out my detective method) or go behind his back and sort it out (which will benefit me by it not escalating)

[Offred]

or even better leave now before the baby is born

[Offred]

How much difficulty will the problem cause for you and the baby?

[Adory]

It will be extremely stressful if it escalates to full potential. He may of sortedit, I don't know, but obviously I doubt he has sorted it. If family members find out there will be an uproar also so the stress now is bad enough

[Offred]

But the stress is happening because you are feeling responsible for him I think. For his feelings and his behaviour.

If it just cause stress and no consequences for you I would think the best thing to do would be wait for it to escalate and make sure you don't get involved with any of the fallout.

[AnnieAnoniMouse]

What you do, is wise up.

You cannot change him, you cannot rescue him, you cannot be the one to save mankind from him.

What you have to do us protect your baby from the way he chooses to live his life. Put yourself & your baby in a more stable environment & let him go.

You cannot change him.

[Adory]

It affects our home so I will be involved either way I'm afraid

[Offred]

He has to have consequences for his failure to sort things out and his lies.

Consequences like you being distant or leaving and him having to deal with things he could have sorted out easily escalating.

[Offred]

Hmm... depending on how it affects the home I would either sort it for him or decide that if he let it escalate I would leave.

You leaving because he had allowed it to escalate and affect you should not be a surprise or a thing you should have to warn him about.

[Adory]

Yes that's true. And when the lies come about him not knowing it was that bad and he never got reminder letters etc. I will have my proof. I hope he sorts himself out, and fast!!

[Offred]

Him letting something affect the home and you is good grounds to divorce for unreasonable behaviour (combined with the lies and gaslighting).

If you are married that is.

If you aren't there really isn't as much to worry about - legally you are not as financially tied.

[Offred]

You just need to stop worrying so much about it though.

[Offred]

The proof is not so important. What is important is how the lies affect you. It is possible to just let go of the feeling that this reflects on you and you are responsible for sorting him out but it is difficult to detach emotionally.

I do think all things considered you would be much better off going before the baby is born but feelings don't work that way often so what you need to do is damage (to your emotions) control by detaching.

[cordeliavorkosigan]

Tell him, and tell him you're sorting it. If you're too afraid of his response to be able to do that, he has no business being around you or your precious new baby! You shouldn't have to be a detective, and you don't want your lovely baby growing up thinking this is OK from a father or a partner. . Does he work? Does he do this at work?

[Offred]

Try to stop worrying and checking up on this problem. Just let it be if you have decided the consequences are acceptable enough to just let him mess up.

Wait to see what happens. Plan for the worst and expect the best.

[cordeliavorkosigan]

Actually I agree with offred - better if you can detach and not sort the new thing... Depends what it is and how it would impact on you