Liar liar pants on fire

[Adory]

I know I am being lied to by my OH. It can be lies that make no sense 'I told you that before' when I have no recollection (nor does my sister whom I tell absolutely everything - though he doesn't know that!) to lies about money, where he's going/been etc.

I know the stampede may come to say LEAVE HIM LEAVE HIM... but I won't do that, so please help me deal with it or suggest what to do rather than tell me what an idiot I am and how I could do better.

He has a history of lying according to a close family member who gets very irate when he knows he's lied again.

Help me, I feel like I'm drowning 😰

[Offred]

Often men who lie like this are insecure and sexist. They feel they need a relationship with a woman but they feel women are inherently untrustworthy and manipulative and that they will stop them doing things they like if they are honest.

It is a way of avoiding being vulnerable.

But I'll say again you are not responsible for getting to the bottom of his issues. In fact it will not be helpful for you to get involved with trying to help him. He is positioning you into an 'enemy' position in your relationship - someone he needs to protect himself from and someone he feels compelled to lie to. Nothing you can do can help him with this.

All you can do is protect yourself from it and hope that the consequences of the lying (him losing you) will give him a wake up call to get therapy.

[Offred]

Or actually sometimes that who they really are and what they like to do is unacceptable and that the only way they can carry on doing it is by lying...

That's not better though, it is still a sign of not being secure as a person or a mature adult capable of a respectful relationship.

[Adory]

After I thought it was over, thought this silliness and lies had stopped and he had changed we planned a baby. So the timescale is out the window a bit now!

I'm being rather sneaky myself, this is how I get proof so I can't really call him up on the lies unless I decide it's over, or he makes a slip up (like he did with the police incident!)

[Offred]

I find it hard to relate to on anything other than an intellectual level that...

If I thought I was doing something my partner would be upset by or that was generally unacceptable I wouldn't do it (within reason obvs) but I KNOW and have been in relationships several times with men like this. They just don't want to grow up and be responsible adults, they somewhat of a thrill from 'getting away with it' they don't connect emotionally with any of the women they get into relationships with because then they'd feel the consequences of lying and they have all kinds of warped hidden beliefs about why lying and gaslighting is ok.

[43percentburnt]

I know someone who lies regularly. Even contradicting himself over the course of the evening. I find it really strange. Apparently he has done it for years, since he was a child. He lies about really random stuff 'I always go to the gym and weightlift, I'm getting really good - can lift x weight'. 2 hours later 'I never get to go to the gym now, haven't got time, it's not my thing anymore'.

I think his partner is crazy to tolerate it. He must drive her mad. I don't care enough to say anything, I only see him occasionally. I have no idea if it's delibrate and he thinks we are stupid or if he believes what he is saying. It's not to aid the flow of conversation.

[NaughtyNiffler]

I lie a bit sometimes. It's fear driven. I was in an abusive relationship where he'd fly off the handle at little things so I'd lie to hide the truth. It usually backfired. I still have that fear of negative emotions from who I'm lying to. Anger, disappointment, sadness, I'm scared of letting the other person down...

[NaughtyNiffler]

Perhaps he is scared too

[ExpatTrailingSpouse]

I'm reading "when your lover is a liar" by Susan forward. Haven't got to the section on how to deal or cope yet but the first parts I've read are really good.

[NaughtyNiffler]

A fear of how they would react to the truth, that is

[Offred]

But yes, I think the work you need to do really is on yourself. Getting your head straight and disconnecting from him emotionally.

If you have young children it will be emotionally challenging to even think of leaving him... and then there is the whole sunken costs fallacy...

In relationships like this I have found emotional detachment led to me feeling much better about challenging them, less traumatised by the whole thing and eventually led to me being able to make the step to leave.

[43percentburnt]

Adory, why are you still with him?

[Adory]

Naughty he was in an abusive relationship before, about 2 years before we met.
The whopper of a lie I found out about was (I believed) a turning point because we almost ended. He knew he'd done wrong, he was devastated and promised he'd never make me feel like that again. Another lie, it turned out to be unfortunately. If that is the reason, like you, what can I do, in your opinion?

[Adory]

Expat I'm going to look that up on audiobooks thank you.

[CocktailQueen]

Are you sure he's telling the truth about the police calling at 4am about a speeding ticket?!

Not sure what advice you're looking for here... He sounds irredeemable.

[Adory]

Offred I would probably take those steps if I wasn't about to have his baby. I think I need some sort of counsellor though to help me deal with the damning effects to my mental wellbeing

[Adory]

43 I love him and he's the father of the family

[Adory]

Cocktail he's the liar, not me 😂 yes, the had a warrant or his arrest due to the fine being ignored. Or at least, that's what he told me!

[NaughtyNiffler]

I don't know. I kick myself every time a lie comes out and tell myself there is no need to buy can't help it. It's almost instinctual, a knee jerk reaction to a perceived possible negative outcome... I would probably steer him towards talking therapy or something similar. Has he admitted the is a problem?

[picklemepopcorn]

Lying is a shame reaction. Somewhere along the line, being wrong in anyway became so painful and dangerous that lying became the first resort. This happens if parents punish too severely, or if child can't meet parents expectations or doesn't know what they are. It's a survival mechanism, and very hard to change.
The more you pin him down and prove he was wrong, the harder he has to cling to his lie. You mustn't catch him out or make him feel bad about it, as it puts him in an impossible situation.

So, he lies about eating the pie, you say: I bet you enjoyed that pie. Next time try and remember to check with me first.
If he says he didn't, just say 'that's ok, it doesn't matter.' It may take a while, but he will gradually start to believe it is safe to be honest with you.

There is a little scared child inside him, that is terrified you'll think badly of him.

There are other kinds of lying too, but what you describe reminds me of the lying mu foster children did and it stems from trauma.

[trollspoopglitter]

I have a great memory for remembering conversations. I'll remember your face and how you told me when you were ten you had a grey poodle named strawberry which is really bizarre because you're allergic to strawberries but not raspberries which are your favourite fruit oh but you hate the colour red or pink or variation of especially when your first boyfriend got you the ugliest pink top on the world for your 23rd birthday.... But I will have no idea what your name was. None. I go blank at names.

I can shut down gas lighting attempts because I can recall the details of the conversation better than person who's attempting to gaslight.

If you can't recall, can you bluff?

[Lotsofponies]

My oldest daughters father was a liar, he lied about everything, I think it was insecurity, wanting to sound cool, interesting etc. He would say whatever the present company wanted to hear him say, then he would lie to try and keep out of trouble. He was in his early 20s. We split up and he fizzled out of my daughters life. 18 years later he turns up like a bad penny, gets in contact with my DP, after a few weeks she tells me what a liar he is. He also got into a relationship with one of my old school friends, she took me aside one night, worried because she thinks he might be lying to her.

For him it seems a leopard will never change its spots. A long term relationship has enough hardships without being with a big fat liar. Best of luck to you OP.

[NaughtyNiffler]

Maybe couples therapy? Help you both with strategies to deal with it?

[Lotsofponies]

Gets in contact with DDAY, not DP

[Adory]

Naughty I have said about therapy - not a chance in hell! Not that kind of man at all unfortunately. He really has some issues too so it's a shame!

[TalkingofMichaelAngel0]

There was a thread some time ago about the passive aggressive husband and the screaming banshees who marry them. Because thats what you become. He lies because he is a liar. Liars lie. About everything. Yes i fed the cat to yes i paid the mortgage. Yes i bought milk. Yes im paying into my pension. No i didnt move the tape measure. No i didnt phone that person. No i didnt move your watch that youve spent three weeks looking for. No i didnt pawn the camcorder. They lie to avoid any sort of conversation / confrontation. Even ones a normal person wouldnt even consider an issue. Ive had this. It is exhausting. It is draining and it is completely unnecessary. You end up wanting to punch them in the face for lying about such trivial bs because it means you cannot rely on them in any way. You can never trust them.

They wont change. The only option if you want to put up with it is to never to give them any responsibility. So family life is all down to you. And never ask then any questions. whats the point as it will be lies?