Wedding & Out of Work DP....

[stumblymonkey]

I've posted before but things have moved on slightly and would be glad of some objective opinions.

I'm engaged to my DP; he is caring, affectionate, honest, loyal and just a lovely, kind man.

He treats me very well and supports me a great deal when I have MH issues (I have bipolar disorder).

He does most of the work around the house, cooks dinners and even runs me a bath. I don't have to lift a finger.

The one snag is that he isn't working, for various reasons he had to walk away from a gym that he part owned last May (which wasn't giving him a living wage anyway). He has been looking for a job since then.

He is applying for many jobs - mainly in his field as a PT or in sports related work, some outside of his field (car sales for example). I often grammar check his cover letters and see the confirmation emails coming through so he's definitely applying.

He has had two interviews which were both unsuccessful. He has another next week (who knows the outcome).

He's now been out of work for about a third of the time we've been together. We are due to get married on 1st December.

The larger part of me thinks that the job market is hard at the moment and I need to give him some (more) time to get a role in his field since he's still having interviews. He will stay at home when we have DC so it's not a big deal that he's not a big earner (as I am).

A smaller part of me thinks he needs to get a job, any job, so that he is contributing to saving for our shared goals (me to take mat leave, wedding, house deposit) and that I'm not sure I want to continue to progress wedding planning until he is working.

The latter would cause a fair bit of disturbance as everyone already knows what date we were planning and everything is booked.

What would you do if you were me?

Random & others: I absolutely get the point about 'what if you lose your job'....that point is slightly complicated by the fact that even as a full time PT he wouldn't earn enough to cover our monthly outgoings. I have to be in work whether he is working or not as I earn quite a lot (top 1% earnings).

So in a way whether he works or not actually doesn't make a massive amount of difference to us financially. It's more the principle, and also that his earnings could go straight into savings for mat leave/etc.

May....I get where you're coming from; the difference being that DP does pull his weight around the house (he does absolutely everything...cleaning, cat care, cooking, laundry). I would definitely have left if that wasn't the case.

But yes...the eternal optimism! When we met he had his gym and talked about his plans to set up more branches in the future and retire by 50. In reality it wasn't even paying him a proper salary; he managed to rent a one bedroom flat as his salary was boosted by a housing subsidy from the council due to being a low earner. Otherwise he only spent money on groceries and petrol and didnt buy clothes/go out/etc.

Ellisandra....

It was his idea to start the gym, the drive came from him and he put the business plan together and set it all up. It was his dream and he loved it but...yes....his initial £10K came from his parents (they said they had planned to help him with a house deposit but would help him with the gym instead).

He worked very hard at the gym, never complained about the long hours, etc. Unfortunately he was bullied out of it by someone - genuinely not his fault, the other guy was an arsehole.

He was completely devastated and broken by it and it's really impacted his self esteem. We've talked about the work issue a few times and he hates not working and feels like a failure/like he's letting me down however I believe his lack of self esteem means he also doesn't push hard enough as he is afraid of the rejection so gets himself stuck in a vicious circle.

This was in May 16. In June 16 he started as a self employed PT at a local small gym however it didn't take off as the gym only had 80 clients and those that wanted PT were already doing it with the owner. He tried for a couple of months to get people interested by advertising at the gym and also trying to drum up interest on FB but didn't get anyone interested.

He's been for two interviews since then...both at gyms for PTs. One wanted someone with the ability to do aerobics type classes (which he has no experience of/doesn't do) so he wasn't the right fit. The second he was unsuccessful.

He's been to all the other local gyms (in 20 mile radius) and no positons were open even for self employed PTs (there are lots of PTs around here).

Eventually he found one and we hoped he'd start in January but he's having issues getting the relevant body to certify him (which is a pre-requisite of working at a large commercial gym) because they want very, very detailed info about which modules he studied at uni and since his degree was 15 years ago neither he nor the uni have that level of information any more. He's working that through at the moment so we don't know the outcome...

He has an interview tomorrow too.

Hopefully one of the two options on the go at the moment will work out.

If not (after another talk) we have agreed he will look at a career change however he is very lacking in confidence in terms of work and unsure what he is now otherwise suitable for....

Sorry, long post, but that's where we are up to now...

And final thought...

I feel like I can't bear the thought of walking away since I love him and he's very good for me...I'm nearly 35 and my relationship history is strewn with men that were very driven and successful but emotionally abusive/married/arseholes (and sometimes all three).

I can't bear to think about leaving DP just to end up:

• Still paying all of the bills alone anyway (so no change, DP himself spends hardly anything so I would not really benefit much financially)
• Not have the love, emotional support and companionship I have now for at least some time
• Have to navigate the dating world again with aforementioned married men/arseholes/etc
• Maybe miss out on having a family as I was single for six years before DP, that sort of timeframe could count me out of children

So while the situation is annoying...and I am definitely considering postponing the wedding until he's in employement...there seems little to be gained from walking away...

My DP started his own business last year and it hasn't done brilliantly. In December, despite me telling him to give it a bit longer, he went out and got a job. This job is working outside in the cold doing manual labour, something I never thought my slightly geeky, post-grad educated DP would do. He drives two hours each way and works at heights, which he's also afraid of. He's also still trying to get his business off the ground at the same time.

I'm not a particularly high earner but I was managing fine and could have carried us a bit longer. He wasn't able to contribute for a couple of months and he couldn't stand it any more.

You sound like you are losing respect OP. I would too. I can't imagine ever being happy to be fully financially supported by someone else where there are no DC.

Is the support he gives you with your MH a red herring? With you both working you could afford a lot of cleaning hours. Him getting a job doesn't mean his support has to stop. He'd treat you to breakfast in bed and look out for you just because he loves you wouldn't he? You shouldn't need to carry him to pay for that

OP you sound really, really lovely. But I think your lifestyle is crazy, especially if you have MH issues and you are thinking of having children.

A four hour commute every day is not sustainable. Can you move closer to work or have a weekday crash pad?

Would you consider a change of career to facilitate a better life balance?

I don't know how you can make any big decisions with your current pressures.

Your partner sounds very caring but I still think he's fundamentally lazy rather than having a run of bad luck.

It's hard to tell the difference between a genuine run of bad luck, and someone who always has an excuse for everything, isn't it?

The gym situation sounds really tough - but - this didn't happen ages 27, he is 37. So he has many years of no continuous single employment for any length of time. So you see why I'm leaning towards thinking he's in the any excuse camp?

I'm a bit about the uni not having module records from only 15 years ago. That surprises me.

And when he found out that aerobics was essential for one gym (and as a complete lay person, I can see that might be common) why hasn't he done anything in the last 9 months about that? What does he actually do? Doesn't take that long to run you a bath (which takes... 5 seconds to turn a tap yourself? Sorry, but I've never understood why running a bath is so often touted on here as the ultimate in a man taking care of a woman!)

Anyway, all that by the by...
I stick to my first point: don't marry him.

I'm a little bit "raised antennae" when you say you've had so many shit relationships before. It can mean that you're more likely to settle for some just better, but not right. It can also mean you're bad at walking away from bad situations and this man is a user.

You are getting married very quickly, and you started to TTC very quickly. You need to slow down on all counts.

As to unsure what he's suitable for... why hasn't he been working front of house in a gym during this time?

What I hear is that he does not seem to have too much drive and ambition, kind of sounds like he would rather sit there, do minimal efforts and wait for the perfect job.

Like your example that one gym wanted someone who can do aerobics classes. His reaction - doesnt' do, oh well, too bad.

What most other people would have heard: you need someone who can do group fitness as well, let me see how I can be what you need. Why doens't he get into group fitness, if this is what the market is looking for? I'm a group fitness instructor and honestly, it generally takes about a weekend to get qualified to teach another class. There are plenty available that do not require any dancing, if that's not his thing - Bodypump, spinning, various HIIT/military/bootcamp etc. Of course gyms are more interested in employees they can in more areas than just one - people at my gym generally do it all - front desk, PT, group fitness, some have also added massage and similar. And it's also easy to get a hand in, if you're available to do substitute group fitness classes, and progress from there.

It kind of sounds like he's the type who would give up the minute things don't go exactly his way. I know the type very well. They are generally nice people indeed, happy with their share in life and whatever falls in their lap, not eager to change anything.

Question is, can you live with this? Because you didn't just sit at home waiting for the perfect job, did you? Imagine your life in the future, where you basically have to organise his life, constantly poke and encourage him, look for other opportunities for him, suggest this and that, nag to get him moving..

Oh and yes, is the 4 hour commute permanent? Then considering he is not working, you really should consider moving closer to work, that's not sustainable.

How did he get forced out of his own business?

stumblymonkey - it's difficult to know what to do - I still doubt myself as my ex DP was so 'nice and lovely' personality-wise, but then it's easy to be nice and lovely and chilled all the time when you have no worries or financial responsibilities and have a mother (me) doing everything for you. The problem is though that you are doubting this already, at this stage - when I was first with DP I was happy and positive that all would be ok etc - it was only in the latter years that the resentment built up. I did ask myself - is it my problem - can I live with the situation, and work on myself to not be bothered, but eventually I reached a point where the resentment had eroded the love. I felt used I suppose. Given your respective situations you are in I agree that you should definitely not get married, unless things change.

It's all very well accepting that we are have different levels of drive, and he may make up for it in other ways. Fine to be the higher earner and get to enjoy him being taxi to the station, picking up the household stuff - though for 2 adults it's not that onerous.

You need to confuse though:

• if life changes and you can't earn as much, can you continue to carry him? Not just financially. Or is he the type to pitch equally on house and work if you're both earning £16K?

• children. You want them. I said it before - is he actually going to be a good SAHD? Or are you going to resent that you're missing out on being at home because he is, and he's not even that bothered or doing it well?

Broken record: don't marry him. It's too soon anyway.

"He was completely devastated and broken by it and it's really impacted his self esteem. We've talked about the work issue a few times and he hates not working and feels like a failure/like he's letting me down however I believe his lack of self esteem means he also doesn't push hard enough as he is afraid of the rejection so gets himself stuck in a vicious circle."

I suggest that he contacts the Richmond Fellowship, it's a charity that supports people with mental health issues to find and stay in suitable employment. Although he may not have a long-term mental health issue, if he is struggling with low confidence and self-esteem that's obviously going to affect his ability to find a job. In my experience the Richmond Fellowship are extremely supportive and helpful.

He has been applying for jobs and getting interviews so I think he understands that he needs to work - but I suggest he considers other career options sooner rather than later. As he's been unemployed for 9 months he can't really afford to be too picky. He might find another job that he enjoys more than being a personal trainer.

FWIW I can see both sides. On the one hand it's important for a partner to be able to work and contribute financially (even if earnings are unequal) and if he wasn't even trying then I would certainly advise caution when it comes to getting married and having children. On the other hand I don't think career is everything, and as long as you are able and happy to be the main earner, and he contributes in other ways (which he clearly does) I think that's ok too.

He can always stock shelves until he figures out what is 'suitable' enough for him?

Do cleaning work, reception, admin, bar work, cashier in a shop......there's loads of things he could be doing while he 'finds' himself.

He isn't arsed and isn't making the proper effort because YOU are paying for everything, so he's not feeling the consequences of his lack of action.
He's counting on you to always be the breadwinner so he doesn't have any real motivation to actually get serious about work