Wedding & Out of Work DP....

[stumblymonkey]

I've posted before but things have moved on slightly and would be glad of some objective opinions.

I'm engaged to my DP; he is caring, affectionate, honest, loyal and just a lovely, kind man.

He treats me very well and supports me a great deal when I have MH issues (I have bipolar disorder).

He does most of the work around the house, cooks dinners and even runs me a bath. I don't have to lift a finger.

The one snag is that he isn't working, for various reasons he had to walk away from a gym that he part owned last May (which wasn't giving him a living wage anyway). He has been looking for a job since then.

He is applying for many jobs - mainly in his field as a PT or in sports related work, some outside of his field (car sales for example). I often grammar check his cover letters and see the confirmation emails coming through so he's definitely applying.

He has had two interviews which were both unsuccessful. He has another next week (who knows the outcome).

He's now been out of work for about a third of the time we've been together. We are due to get married on 1st December.

The larger part of me thinks that the job market is hard at the moment and I need to give him some (more) time to get a role in his field since he's still having interviews. He will stay at home when we have DC so it's not a big deal that he's not a big earner (as I am).

A smaller part of me thinks he needs to get a job, any job, so that he is contributing to saving for our shared goals (me to take mat leave, wedding, house deposit) and that I'm not sure I want to continue to progress wedding planning until he is working.

The latter would cause a fair bit of disturbance as everyone already knows what date we were planning and everything is booked.

What would you do if you were me?

You aren't in love with him!

He sounds lovely, lovely. But you have huge reservations. He is supporting your mental health by bringing your breakfast - but leaving the actual responsibilities, the real grown up responsibility, to you.

This will not work long term as he is not able to meet your real long term needs as a couple.

My DH is a SAHD. It works for us. But the difference is that it is a response to the needs of this stage of our lives. You two should both be out working and saving.

Plus, this is not a difficult jobs market.

It's a pet peeve of mine when I hear of fit healthy men who don't earn a living. A friend, with just one DD now at school, has a stay at home husband while she works like a dog. Fine in theory you might say but she often comments on his moodiness and resentment over her spending while making little effort to pay his own way. Off topic slightly but is that what you want to look forward to?

How many men do the same when the women are at home? Is that a pet peeve of yours too or is that OK?

If those roles were reversed there would be all sorts of posters asking questions about whether he has access to the money and if they have equal 'spends'.

I don't think that's true Piglet
They're not married, only been together just over 2 years, no kids, he's 37.

If the roles were reversed, I think the responses would be the same. Mine would be.

If they had a couple of kids, then yeah - I'd be talking about equal access and saying it's an equal contribution.

I ageee with your comment about the PP pet peeve though... fit healthy men not pulling their weight - irrelevant. Fit healthy people should pull their weight.

It's not about £, but attitude.
My fiancé's outgoings will tumble when we live together. And his income will rise as he'll let out his house. It is actually me who has said "why don't you think about a 4 day week?". He's a hard worker who has run his own home and family for many years. His work ethic and attitude to money and spending will be the same, and that's what I love in him - not the pennies into the pot.

OP has a very decent wage. This man's incompatible attitude will sink them before the finances do. She can afford to carry him. But will she respect him?

Piglet there's a few of those crazies around but I don't see any posters on this thread like that.

Op there are tons of people, men and women, in the world who want to be kept. You have to ask yourself if you're okay being with one of them. I haven't seen your previous posts but from what you said I thought he was doing all the house work and life admin. Is he and is it important enough to fund him?

I thought he was doing all the house work and life admin

according to her previous thread, she does all the life admin, they have a cleaner, and he does 'sometimes even more housework than OP'.

I have a few friends with husbands like that. They find it impossible to get a job despite being qualified and experienced. Yet everybody else around them locally have managed to find a job. Yes they apply for jobs but don't really give it their all. You can't just send a CV you have to find out what the prospective employer really wants, phone and maybe start small before progressing. It's time consuming and hiring and you have to swallow your pride but it's got to be done.

I have a few pt friends and they've all got a great client base as well as doing classes for gyms, doing nutrition plans etc. But they've been persistent in their marketing , work really hard and are very enthusiastic and have a loyal following. It is absolutely ridiculous that he hasn't managed to get some private pt work in all this time especially when he has no kids to look after. He could have carried on looking for work at the same time.

It's unlikely he'll change and will probably get worse and you'll end up doing and financing everything.

How old are you op? If you're in your 30s then I think you should split up, otherwise you may forgo your chances of having a family (like 3 of my friends). If you're younger then postpone the wedding until he finds a stable job and has been in it for a while and see how things go.

My ex was very enthusiastic and great at starting new things and new jobs and he was very good. But he was lazy and didn't enjoy the boring hard work bits of the jobs so would frequently change. Absolutely exhausting being with someone like that (he would also spend more than we had and end up paying 100s every month in overdraft and late fees) and being scared of the post every day.

I don't agree with that either piglet. And in real life I don't know a single sahm, as in every woman I know went back to work after maternity leave. Only in mumsnet world do I know about Sahm for any period of time.

Having said that I can think of three men who don't work but their wives do.

Just saw on another post that you like in the Home Counties.
Frankly, bollocks is the job market that tough!

Interesting that you think he is trying because you've corrected his applications and he's even applied for car sales despite not doing well and it when he did it before and not being a natural sales person.

So, he applied for a job he'd have pretty little chance of getting then?!

I'd be rubbish at sales. I had a sales interview once. They loved me. Not for sales. Asked me to come back next week to meet the head of

He picked something there that he knew he wouldn't get, didn't he? He's not daft

Or, he applied for something he doesn't like but has experience in, because he really does want a job?

Nine moths is a long time, he could have signed up to a temp agency or gone SE as most PT are.

I'd be putting the wedding plans on hold as I would want to see a work ethic and him contributing half towards living expenses. I wouldn't care what he earned or what his job was as long as he was happy and could meet his share of bills. Likewise, I don't expect a partner to support me so ensure the same. I want a partnership in a relationship that's equal not one sided either way.

On top of all of that it is utter bollocks that a PT/strength coach can't get good work and earn good money. Especially these days.

I am fat and 50, unfit as all go to hell and I have just dusted off my certs, got myself insured very cheaply and advertised a Baggy T shirt / old style weekly session - strap line "Join me in overcoming the Fifties Flab"

I have been inundated with unfit, fat, older men and women who want an understanding instructor.

There is a niche for everyone! Fat and Fit has always been mine... I have just decided that Fat and UnFit could have potential.

Your OH is a lazy, selfish manchild who is abusing your love for him!

i don't think he wants a job, and whilst you enable him / admire his refusal to do something that doesn't fit with his ethics/desires he has no need to get one.

You wouldn't see me for dust. He sounds utterly useless, and I suspect you would become very very bitter about this man- I used to read threads on here from another poster (catgirl?Catwoman?) see if you can find those- similar situation but a few years down the line with her cocklodger.

thebaker you think so? When he likes fitness work, and is qualified and experienced and in the Home Counties and doesn't have to hold out for the perfect position to fit his circumstances? (e.g. Kids...)

Nope. I don't think he wants to work. 9 months?!!!

I suspect he has been brought up wrapped in a bit of middle class cotton wool and so is much more idealistic about getting a job in his field (rather than just cleaning toilets to bring money in....IYSWIM)

So, basically, he was a perpetual student until one of his mates set up a business and gave him a job?
The only other jobs he's done have been on an ad hoc basis and he's never lasted long.
Now he's been out of work for almost a year....he'll probably keep fucking up his interviews until he's found the job he wants.
Despite all this spare time on his hands - you're the one who's keeping everything afloat - you're even having to pay for a cleaner!
Guess that job is beneath him as well?

I can't believe you want to marry, have a dc with him AND let him be a SAHD based on his track record, and especially as he hasn't actually proved to you in any way that he can take on adult responsibility.

What would happen if you couldn't work anymore due to health/accident etc?
Would he be supportive and get any/job cleaning toilets to provide for his family?

I think you're in denial OP.
You're choosing to see only what you want to see and creating a fantasy around that.

My dh has bipolar. He was diagnosed in his 40s. Had a very high powered job and at times l was a sahm but gradually as he got older he found hos job more and more stressful. His medication interfered with his concentration. First he went part time, now he is fully out of work. This all happened when our dc were ready for college. Luckily through his previous hard work our mortgage was paid and we had some savings but it was very fortunate l had a job and could continue to support the family. He needs to get a job. Remember one job leads to another and the longer he is out the less attractive as an employee he is. As already said he needs to take private clients right away and do lots of volunteering. Young kids, parolympics youth everything. Otherwise he is a lazy guy and you will grow very resentful.

I was in a similar situation - living with DP for nearly a decade - he was and is self-employed but just about break evens if that, and I was in effect enabling him to continue. He too is a nice, lovely guy. We separated a while back now, - what happened to me is that resentment built up gradually over the years, and I lost respect and love for him. Just so slowly chipped away. DC involved now too, which is why I tried to hang on and make it work. he was always positive about everything, things will pick up, my plan is this x, y and z, but he refused to ever get a salaried job, didn't want to work for anyone else and let me carry everything on my shoulders (including 95% of housework). At times I just got on with it, at times I was in tears and so stressed. But he was always so 'nice', was just exasperating. I still doubt myself , but I always felt like a single mum, never felt like a team. (By the way when we met and he first moved in the impression he gave was of someone with a solvent business, doing ok, and that he could afford to pay rent etc but this was a smoke-screen, he never lied but just saw things differently I suppose). I'm still very sad. But my advice OP is if you feel like this now, you know it's wrong, and you have no DCs so easier to part ways before you do.

OP will you come back to your thread? You have had some good advice x

Why hasn't he set himself up as a self employed personal trainer? This is the ideal time of year to do it!

My friend married someone like this except he was a renovator instead of a PT. The kids went to nursery full time as he was too busy rennovating their house. He has been rennovating their house for 6 years and it will never finish. It didn't even need rennovating in the first place. He pootles about doing dribs and drabs and she does all the earning and all the childcare at weekends. I have no idea why she is still married to him. I would have run a mile. Don't assume he will do childcare even if he is willing to be a SAHP. My friends husband does none.

My other half works in the sport & leisure industry. I've been sole provider frequently in past 4 years. Only in 2016 did luck fall his way & we're now 60:40 on bills. I've bailed him out when his car insurance insisted on 1 lump payment & when he need to renew his personal liability insurance.

If he's applying at least he's trying & every Tom Dick & Harry is PT/ life coach or similar nowadays which makes it even harder.

If he is a kind person (sounds like is) then he's worth it. Plenty of arsehole blokes with 'good jobs' IMO.

Retired recruiter here, and what stands out for me is that he seems a bit too old to be carrying on like this. I don't know if the sport and leisure industry would look favourably on his record - though his lack of success so far suggests not - but I'm pretty sure few others would

As a PP said it's more about attitude than actual money, and at his age most employers would expect to see a bit more stability, rigour and forward planning in his work history. Time, perhaps, for him to wake up a little if he expects you to marry him?

I think he does need to step up even if it just means going down to the agencies and picking up some work at NMW whilst he finds something else. Realistically he needs to be working - what happens if you get made redundant, lose your job, what if you can't have DC?

Unless you are already very financially comfortable you tend to need 2 working partners if you want to have DC.

I would worry if you couldn't suddenly work or take time after having DC to get your meds right again you could end up penniless as he will continue to put his ideals over brining in some money so you can eat!

He's 37, has a masters degree and a raft of other qualifications, and hasn't found work in nine months? If you were happy with that and you had discussed and agreed it, then that's fine, but if not then he's mooching off you.

I would struggle to date, much less marry, a man who didn't work. It wouldn't matter if the work was poorly paid, but I'd like him to be doing something to keep him engaged in society and to have something to talk about beyond Jeremy Kyle and tea bags.

Sorry, dropped off the thread for a few days...

I'll try to answer some points raised..

Isetan...my excuse for being a '1950s husband' is that I get up at 5/6am and do a full day plus four hour commute while he isn't working. To me, it seems fair that if he isn't working then he does all of the household chores and cooking (since we don't have any DC). I wouldn't expect this to be the case if he went back to work.

It does suit me in a way though as I'm out of the house from 6/7am until 7.30pm at the earliest every day which is tough on my MH; it is nice to come home and be taken care of. I don't know how my MH will be impacted (if at all) if/when I have to come home and start cooking/chores as well if DP were to start work.