Wedding & Out of Work DP....

[stumblymonkey]

I've posted before but things have moved on slightly and would be glad of some objective opinions.

I'm engaged to my DP; he is caring, affectionate, honest, loyal and just a lovely, kind man.

He treats me very well and supports me a great deal when I have MH issues (I have bipolar disorder).

He does most of the work around the house, cooks dinners and even runs me a bath. I don't have to lift a finger.

The one snag is that he isn't working, for various reasons he had to walk away from a gym that he part owned last May (which wasn't giving him a living wage anyway). He has been looking for a job since then.

He is applying for many jobs - mainly in his field as a PT or in sports related work, some outside of his field (car sales for example). I often grammar check his cover letters and see the confirmation emails coming through so he's definitely applying.

He has had two interviews which were both unsuccessful. He has another next week (who knows the outcome).

He's now been out of work for about a third of the time we've been together. We are due to get married on 1st December.

The larger part of me thinks that the job market is hard at the moment and I need to give him some (more) time to get a role in his field since he's still having interviews. He will stay at home when we have DC so it's not a big deal that he's not a big earner (as I am).

A smaller part of me thinks he needs to get a job, any job, so that he is contributing to saving for our shared goals (me to take mat leave, wedding, house deposit) and that I'm not sure I want to continue to progress wedding planning until he is working.

The latter would cause a fair bit of disturbance as everyone already knows what date we were planning and everything is booked.

What would you do if you were me?

I think i would struggle with the idea of a partner who was comfortable not working, tbh. If I didn't have a lot of savings to live off, I would be doing some kind of work whilst looking - bar work, care work, cleaning, delivering leaflets, waiting in a cafe or pub, shop work, etc. There are always openings in those sorts of areas. As a young, fit, healthy adult it seems odd to me that he's been comfortable doing nothingnbut housework for so many months.

So he is academically capable, postgrad qualified but He prioritises doing something he enjoys and finds meaningful over money and I can't blame him TBH so I accept I'll always be breadwinner but not working at all when we don't have children isn't fair..

So he gets to choose his priorities, wasting an education most would give their eye teeth for, meanwhile you have to do the hard graft.

I couldn't care if someone bought me breakfast in bed, and all the frills, if they aren't in the real world as regards "putting bread on the table", it would put me right off.

I would have a problem with this, and, more importantly, it's clear that you do. You mention that he's very nice, but are you in love with him?

How long has he been living with you/ how long have you been funding him? How long were you seeing him before he (conveniently) moved into your house? how was he living when the gym paid him £600 pcm.

sounds a bit like a man child tbh - wouldn't be my cup of tea.
Do you earn significant amount to fund both of you?
I'd want to be with a grown up - honestly he really doesn't much sound like one.

If he is a PT he could easily get a couple of private clients, even without being linked to a gym..he would only need a couple of bit of equipment to set up, can train people at their house or in park..

I couldn't do this... from the history you've given, I would actually say that rather than being out of work for 9 months, he has actually never had a real career or job. That would be a big red flag for me, not because I am a money grabber as I can support myself, but because I find ambition and drive very attractive.

However our opinions don't really matter. If you're asking for them it suggests to me that you do have a problem with it and therefore you need to think about why it bothers you and if you could put up with it for the long haul.

I think I remember your earlier thread. Answer is no.

What happens when the children are older and don't need a SAHP? I can't see him rushing back to work then.

If you married and had children, and then got divorced he would likely have residence of the children and you would be paying maintenance.

Ultimately if you have doubts or are unhappy now, this will grow into massive resentment over time.

Don't worry about having to cancel a wedding, people are generally very understanding.

How much support do you need for your MH issues? You complain about him not working but what's your excuse for being a '1950's husband'? I don't think your expectations of him with regards to finding work aren't unreasonable but are you pulling your weight (not just financially) in this relationship?

You really do need to sit down and talk about your shared goals and how you plan on achieving them. If he found his dream job, would he really be willing to give it up to be a SAHD? At present you're basing your future plans on a situation (him not working) you don't like.

so thisman finds himself in a similar situation to me. despite post grad qualifications he is unable to find work.

It pretty much destroyed my self esteem and xaused me mh issues of my own which in turn made finding employment really hard.

Thankfully my DP didn't give up on me though.

Maybe its different because I'm a woman?

Oh i am working now by the way, although im totally overqualified and underpaid so i probably wouldn't be good enough for the OP!

unlike the Op my dp has never been a high earner and is self employed , it wasn't like i wasn't TRYING to find work though. Although it may not have appeared so from the outside.

You don't have children now. What if you never do?

Are you near a town or city? I am sure he could get a job in a pub or bar or restaurant tomorrow. Or other kinds of evening work e.g. Security? But it doesn't sound like he would do that anyway.

A pp mentioned the word resentment. My exh hated working in the traditional sense e.g. 9-5 paid by an employer and I hated the pressure of having to support the family when I wanted to spend more time with my children and it did cause massive resentment.

It also bit me on the backside when we divorced as he was entitled to my earnings and my pension and he came out of it very well considering he was a lazy arse.

So In your position I would wait. Postpone the wedding a bit longer and see how the next year pans out. I don't see how your plans for him to be a sahd even apply at the moment.

He is obviously not a grafter and that will always frustrate you.

Would you marry a very, very nice guy who is (possibly) always going to be out of work?

In a word .... NO.

I also believe that one should be able to support themselves financially.

It can place a huge strain and pressure on the one person earning and I see women, who years in want to end the marriage but because their spouse is dependant on them, they continue to stay.

It's all well and good him prioritising the type of work over money, but not at your expense.

I wouldn't want that burden personally.

He's been out of work for 9 months, and that's a third of the time you've been together. So you've been together not much more than 2 years, and you always have a wedding planned and a date everyone knows about. So you were engaged before you'd even known him 2 years.

Now, 2 years isn't 5 minutes. I got engaged second time round after 3 months but we're waiting another 2.5 years to marry. So I'm in no position to say you're rushing it, and I don't think it is really rushing. But you know... less than 2 years of knowing him, to commit to marriage. It's OK to have doubts.

I'm actually impressed that he started his own gym. I think it might show a certain drive and that's exciting and would attract me. The fact he didn't make much money from it wouldn't concern me too much. But...

You say it was jointly owned. Did he actually have the drive or was it actually the other person who did all the work and he just worked there, and was only a partner because his parents put up the cash because they just want him to stick st something?

You say he had to leave... why? You don't have to answer that! But it would influence me as to whether I saw him positively from the gym time or not. When he left the gym, you'd been together 18 months and would have been in new boyfriend bubble. Did he get fed up with the long hours, start not pulling his weight and get pushed out?

Because then I'd think about his character and what that means for being a SAHD. I don't want the SAHP in my relationship to be chosen simply for financial reasons. Does he actually WANT to be at home with children? And if he seems to, is he the kind of man who has only short bursts of interest?

Compare it to the gym... is he going to throw himself into it for a year (or not at all?) and then just sit around playing Xbox when you had imagined him taking 3 kids to the park every day?

I find it hard to believe that he can't find work, to be honest. Easy to believe that he can't find the full time perfect job. But as he's not under pressure for that, he has the luxury of not needing full time. He hasn't had the drive to take on personal clients. My gym (small city in Midlands, not an employment hotspot!) is always advertising for front of house staff, albeit part time.

It's not about does he work, but does he have drive. I don't care about low earning and choosing what he loves over cash.

But in that case, what he'd have to love is being a SAHD.

Do you really think he would?

Forget the convenience of it.

You know that if he's not interested in something, he doesn't do it. Getting up in the night, nappy changing, endless fucking singing of the wheels on the bus, yet another Peppa Pig conversation, toddler tantrums... lots of full time parenting really isn't that much fun.

If he applied to be your male nanny, with his CV and what you know of him - would you recruit him? Honestly?

I think you need more time to see the patterns in his working behaviour. You met him during a positive own-his-own-business phase. Is it possible that after 10 years together you'd now see a pattern of never sticking to anything for more than 18 months?

I think you should wait more time to get to know him better, and never choose a SAHP because they're convenient - choose them because they are right for the "job".

Running a bath ain't all that!

There are many families where one person works, in many cases in a job they don't enjoy, and the other one takes care of kids and maybe has a little part time fun job on the side. Of course, the genders are usually reversed.

However, it's not really about other people. You would not be happy with this. You believe people should be able to take care of themselves and earn money even if is not their absolute dream job. I do think you will resent him when you have to be the one worrying about the bills and doing a job that you might not be totally crazy about; while he has the luxury of doing whatever the hell he wants.

If tbe situation was reversed how would you like to be treated?

I remember your earlier threads and still don't think it'd be sensible to marry him, or for you to plan for him to be a SAHD just because he can't/won't find paid work.

Also, you don't have DC at present so are financially supporting another adult for no reason

The losing custody of you children to this man ( any man no matter how wonderful) if you split would be a deal breaker for me and you would end up financially supporting.

Absolutely not. He should be stepping up and bringing in an income, however small it may be. It's a pet peeve of mine when I hear of fit healthy men who don't earn a living. A friend, with just one DD now at school, has a stay at home husband while she works like a dog. Fine in theory you might say but she often comments on his moodiness and resentment over her spending while making little effort to pay his own way. Off topic slightly but is that what you want to look forward to?

Really good post from ellisandra re him being a sahd.

I know it's frowned upon but OP I found your previous thread. If you marry this man, you will be solely responsible for earning the money and you will still be doing all of the 'wifework'. He will be sitting at home, doing the bare minimum with the children (and probably convince you that you also need a nanny to give him a break).
It's quite interesting what you consider fair and equal, I personally woudn't think a partner who is not working, has a cleaner, partner doing all the admin and planning and probably more than half the housework, and whose contribution is to sometimes cook and do dishes, is pulling his weight.

Surely January is a perfect time to start advertising his PT services? Unable to find work but has skills in something he enjoys and can make money from seems ideal, I must be missing something!

I wouldn't be happy marrying him. My ex was like this. Except his parents handed him things on a plate and had a few businesses so he's never had to do hard graft. He's floated along, taken 6 years to do a 3 year degree etc. I am not compatible with that attitude. I would expect your DP to get a job in a supermarket and bring something in. We earn reasonable salaries but where we live there's no way we could live off mine or DH's alone right now. Mortgaged to our eyeballs etc.

OP, I've also looked at your previous posts, I wondered if I was being too harsh. (I earn 3-4x my fiancé and though we don't want to start a second family, think he'd be an amazing SAHD - based on fact, the tales and photos and peer reports from how hands on he was with his now adult kids - although both he and his late wife worked)

What strikes me is the timeline. If 9 months out of work is a third of your relationship, you've been together 27 months. So you met him around Sep 2014? 15 months later and you're on the conception boards. And a year on you're not pregnant ( that can be hard)

I'm going to throw this out there, and if you want to tell me to stop being so patronising, fine

I started TTC aged 30 and married at 32 whilst still TTC. It look a long time and my daughter was born when I was 34. I'm divorced now. And have a lot of hindsight. I thought he was a nice man. Actually he wasn't, but even if he had been nice, just nice wasn't enough. We weren't suited. I was too focused on getting pregnant after a loss and after trouble conceiving (IVF in the end)

Had I met him when I was 25 not 30 and children wasn't on my mind, we would have split up after 2 years.

I'm embarrassed about it now, but I can see it for what it was.

I'm projecting, but I wonder if you're subconsciously accepting far less than ideal because you have found someone to TTC with, and you're in this deep now. As I said - tell me to fuck off being patronising if you like!

You know your feelings - stay with him, accept who he is (you decide if who he is = care free or lazy) have children.

But really, seriously think twice about this wedding.

If all goes well and he's a fab SAHD and finds his passion and works later too - well, marvellous.

If he turns out to be lazy at parenting and you're paying for nursery "for the social side" anyway, or you just find he isn't for you... then you get to walk away without losing half or more of your pension and house.

Before I get flamed... yeah, a SAHP who sacrifices their earning potential should have protection from the law. And that's why if he were posting I'd say "no wedding no TTC".

But he's not sacrifice his earnings at all.

Think on. Many initially great marriages end in divorce. Statistically, it could be yours.

As the SAHP he might get more access and maintenance from you. OK. Do you really want him to have a chunk of your pension, your savings, your house...?

Don't marry him yet.

When are you planning to have children? How does that fit with your wedding plans?

It's not his inability to get a job now but the fact that at 37 he just doesn't seem like he has ever had a proper career or steady job. As a pp put he's a man-child, I don't know how much you earn and if you have a mortgage but 2 incomes are practically a necessity now even if one of those incomes is PT. It just gives the main income earner a bit of breathing space and allows for things like days out and holidays.

I couldn't marry this man as he just doesn't seem like financially he's in the real world. Does have any concept of finances or do you deal with that side of things?