he's been hiding thousands in debt.

[CuppaSarah]

Yesterday I decided to look at a small consolidation loan to clear my overdraft and the 1-2k on our credit card, thinking it would be lower than our surprisingly high minimum payment on the card and would get us back on track.

I went onto my husband's online credit card account, I've always had access to it, but he could never remember the password and would always check it while I wasn't there-obvious red flags I stupidly didn't see. What do you know, the cards almost at its limit! 7000 is on it! I haven't touched it apart from one lot of groceries early this month as we had literally no money.

I have been skipping meals to ensure our kids have enough, money has been so tight. We can't afford the heating to be on much so bundle the kids up. We don't get days out, treats, anything. I had to return to work much sooner than I felt able to as he 'couldn't' find work. But even my work that has been so stressful it makes me physically ill barely covered the basics.

Yet he's been spending thousands on shi for himself. He can't even tell me what it's on, looking at the statements I've managed to find, it's been frittered away on crap. We never even got each other birthday gifts as we couldn't afford to. But he happily bought for himself. I don't even begrudge him the odd treat, if we can manage it I never get funny about it, I accept being so rough financially is really stressful and the odd small splurge can help prevent the odd big one.

I don't know what to do, all the lies he told me. There's so many lies, I can't ever trust him again. I already sort all the bills and financnes and have worked hard to find a new job I'll be starting soon that has better pay and hours. I thought we were back on track. He is so caring and kind and sweet to our faces yet behind our backs he's done this!

I'm sorry this is such a ramble I'm so upsetand confused, I just need advice or someone to talk to. I've started doing the sums of living without him and we can probably manage, but I don't know what I want to do and what's best right now. It's too raw.

all those advising LTB haven't factored in that she's not the primary carer now, he is, and if he went for custody so he could get the tax credits, keep the house, lounge around for a few more years the OP might find herself in an even bigger hole.

He'd go for the kids purely to get the cash- the lazy shit. Keep a diary, get him out to work, doing anything get your mum to start covering childcare etc. now if she will do. Leave it a bit of time to settle, make your plans secretly/password protected and keep your records privately so he can't rumble what you are up to.

DO NOT QUIT YOUR JOB.
It takes like 48 weeks for a claim to go through if you quit compared to the 6 if your sacked/made redundant!! You will be entitled to nothing!

Don't worry I've taken my mums address off the credit card. My goal now is to get him to work and I'll sort my mum and child minder out for my hours. I'm the only one that drives, so I do all preschool runs and appointments. Would I be terrible if I choose a child minder he couldn't get to himself on public transport, to help my case as primary carer once he's working.

He's already agreed if I ask him to, he will leave and let me and the kids stay, but if he does it, or later challenges it or not is another thing.

But with him saying that, is it better to get him to leave now and deal with childcare myself, so I'm doing primary carer stuff. Or biding my time with it and get things more planned out?

As we've already said, you need legal advice on the child residency/contact arrangements.

"Would I be terrible if I choose a child minder he couldn't get to himself on public transport, to help my case as primary carer once he's working."
Personally I think that would short-sighted. Surely it would be more practical to find a child minder that he can get to for drop offs and pick ups if necessary. The decision about child residency/contact arrangements is not going to be made on the basis of the childminder's location!

He's gone to a friends for the night so just me tonight now the kids are in bed.

I'm going to get reading through and try and get some practical stuff done. Child benefit is in my name for both children, going to look into CAP. I've found a local solicitor who offers the free half hour consultation, to get an idea where we stand on legalities. He's told me he's canceled all direct debits that aren't essential, but we shall see when I check tomorrow, I already know he hasn't canceled Netflix and it's hardly an essential. Once kids are in bed tomorrow we're going to go through all his bills and any that are household responsibilities go to me, any that are his personal things we'll either cancel or sort a plan on how he pays them. Credit card and mobile phone are staying as his.

My new job starts at the start of Feb, though it's more hours it's still only 20 a week. it's mornings and evenings. Found a few local child minders with mornings free, then can look at a mixture of mum and dh covering the evenings, or even a child minder for some of the earlier hours. But during the day times I'm going to be free to sort all the things that need sorting at least. It's only 3 evenings a week so majority of evenings will be just me with the children.

I actually think we could manage without him. My old job was much easier to fit around childcare and family life, but I am so unhappy there. Realistically, if all else fails I can occasionally bring my kids to work with me, so I have that advantage. If it really doesn't work I can go back to school hours somewhere else. I mean right now he's kind of just a babysitter isn't he? Costing me money and only doing the dcs basic care. So why not pay someone else to do the same? Anyone can play and turn the washing machine on. He does laundry and washing up, and still needs reminders about towels and bedding needing changing regularly. I do everything else.

I still don't know if I'm strong enough to actually see it through when it comes to it and I'm going to fall apart sooner or later, but right now I'm feeling kind of ok about this. Like I knew it was coming and now it's here, it's almost a release.

Try to keep hold of that feeling of release. You are right, it is a release from a relationship that was dependent on you giving in order for him to do as he liked. Making him leave will show your DC that they don't have to settle for disrespect and total selfishness. He's spent thousands on himself whilst watching you literally starve so that your kids are okay. He's watched you bundle up the DC because you can't afford heating costs then he goes online to piss away the money you're earning. He knows you've struggled to save for presents for the DC and he's done so whilst spending thousands on himself. Nobody should have to put up with that. You and your DC deserve more and you're teaching them to value themselves by refusing to allow someone to continue treating you and them like that.

You sound like you've got a good plan in place. Get him to make his own appointment with CAB or contact a free and impartial debt advice charity (debt line? There's a government one too I think) to sort out his credit card. If he won't or puts it off it is yet more evidence that he's got no intention of changing.

Definitely get him out and working. Organise childcare that doesn't depend on him. When it's time to separate make him leave. As others have said it wouldn't be unusual for a cocklodger like your DH to try for main carer status in order to dodge maintenance. Also be prepared for him to lose whatever job he's started in order to escape maintenance if he has agreed kids stay with you.

Another tip I've learnt from too many of these threads - check out a few solicitors in your local area. Use their free half hour consultation. This achieves three things -

1. You get a feel for who'd do the best job for you.
2. You should get a clear consensus about what you can do and what you should get.

3.If I remember correctly, if a solicitor has seen you - even for a free half hour consultation - they can't / won't see DH due to potential conflict of interest. Therefore you get the pick of the best solicitors and he'll have to bother his lazy arse to check out solicitors further afield.

If your gut response is that it'll be fine (better) without him and you're relieved rather than disappointed then you know you're doing the right thing.

Keep planning, stay focused. Your life is soon going to be much better in so many ways.

It sounds like you've been busy sarah and have a good plan.

One thing I'd add is that my ex used this organisation to help sort him out paying back the debts. Their help is free, and easier to access because CAB are often overburdened. My ex had a lot of different debts so it was particularly helpful for him. It might also be useful for you to speak to them as they could tell you about how much you'd be liable for…the advice my ex got about credit cards was that as they are unsecured they are harder for the company to get back/more open to negotiation. But they can get quite nasty so it was good to have stepchange to help negotiate. They strongly warned against consolidation loans, particularly if they are going to be secured on the house!

Thanks Baking and Dangermouse he's not really done anything, but continue applying for jobs online, which takes no time, effort or energy.

He's not printed off any Cvs and gone to the shops to apply. We were out and a coffee shop had a sign saying immediate help needed and he ignored it. They seemed really desperate too, he would have got it just by being the first to apply. He's said he will leave, so I'm just waiting to see if he gets a job.

I'm probably not going to pursue maintenance at first if he gets working. I've done the numbers and can manage without him even with childcare bills. But while we're together I can't get help with child care costs either, so it's really awkward setting it up, as I can't afford child care till he's gone. But the reason I'm not pursuing maintenance is a show off good will. That I trust him to adequately support the children without a legal agreement in place. I'm hoping showing wiling to negotiate and trust will make him less likely to pursue residency.

I've got to go watch the show DD is putting on, so I'll probably check abck in later when I'm having an emotional wobble

This is my first LTB. He doesn't respect you he sees you are struggling yet getting you into more debt. Don't accept anymore lies and pack his bags and change the locks

The organisations that can help with debt are Citizens Advice (face to face but appointments can be limited and they may only be able to offer them to people with priority debts i.e. rent, Council Tax etc) as well as National Debtline, PayPlan and StepChange (they all have free helplines and offer advice over the phone rather than face to face).

However I think it's more important for the OP to get legal advice about her liability for the debt and the child residency/contact arrangements - it's not up to her to help her twatbag STBXH sort out his debts. She needs to protect her and her children's interests.

OP I can see that there's no point trying to get child maintenance out of him when he has no income anyway, but as soon as he gets a job you should make a claim. He is never going to pay it willingly! You're kidding yourself if you think he is.

I'm not kidding myself, I know he won't. As manipulative as it is, I want him off guard. I don't want him fighting for residency or to share the debt. Now I'm open to his selfishness and laziness, I'm fairly confident I know how to handle him.

I'm having a wobbly day today. Off to work at 11 though so that should be distracting. I felt so strong most of the weekend I feel like a miserable mess now.

Keep going Sarah ..you have been so positive and organised so far...a wobble is to be expected.

You can clearly see there is no future here, but that does not make it less horrible.

Tomorrow is another day (and munsnetters are a fab bunch of cheerleaders for encouragement and good advice)

Hang in there...hope today gets better

Work was awful as usual! But only a few weeks till my lovely new job starts. My supervisor was literally begging me to stay today, which was nice for my self esteem. I wouldn't stay for anything though! It's ruining me!

I'm so done right now. It's hard, we act normal around the kids and we talk amicably in the evening. So on own hand nothing has changed, yet everything has. Its weird. I don't like it at all, but I do want a good non romantic relationship with him as he's the kids dad no matter what. I don'twant to go weak and let him worm his way in

Sarah you're doing brilliantly.

If you feel yourself wavering, think of these two things:

1. How would you feel if your adult DC's partner was spending thousands on themselves and letting your adult DC starve to feed their kids?

1. He thinks he's far superior to you and your DC or he wouldn't piss away thousands while you starve and DC are cold. He's let you scrimp to get DC Xmas presents while every day is Xmas for him buying eBay crap.

Keep going, a bright future awaits.

Baking I'm going to re-read everything you've said lots tonight.

I spoke to my boss at the current job and asked if I can stay, she was thrilled. I can join ds up to work in the baby room during my hours whenever I need and Dr isnakways allowed to do her hours plus coming in when I work and she's not in session.

So childcare is sorted. Now I ideally need to give dh a few weeks to find any job, so he can move out without having to move back in with his parents miles away. Because firstly fuck driving four hours for contact and secondly there'd that tiny part of me hoping he'll magically get his shot together and parent up and everything can go back to normal . but that's my weak side.

I feel like I'm making a big mistake and that I'm getting it all wrong and blowing it out of proportion! I know I'm not but I'm so scared. Is this normal?

Totally normal Sarah, change is scary so we try to make excuses so we can avoid making the big scary change. You'd tell your DC to get rid of a so-called partner who treated them or their children this way. The main way to avoid them ending up in same situation is to show them what self-respect and consideration look like by removing his selfish, "fuck-you" attitude from their daily lives. He can still be a dad, he just doesn't get to be a shit husband making your DC think that in a relationship the woman sacrifices and the man does whatever the fuck he wants.

You've made huge decisions in a short space of time, it's going to feel scary and you'll wish it wasn't happening but you're doing the right thing and you know it. Well done and keep going xx

My typing has gone to pot. I'm exhausted and both kids and myself have a cough. Miserable times all round! I'm on autopilot, doingn everything but not very well.

Another parent at work is going through similar, so we've been talking each other up today, its nice to have someone who gets it! I can't wait for kids bedtime and to go to sleep.

Thank you for the pep talk Baking I'm going to do this and everything will be bla bit better!

He's being so lovely and caring tonight, it's horrible, I prefer the awkwardness

Off work today, so off to see my dads ex partner, she doesn't know whats happening. But she works in the same field as me and divorced when her children were similar ages to mine. I'm feeling weak and wavering and I need some of her headstrong strength to help me out! I think she'll have valuable advice about what to expect doing it on my own.

Talked to dh last night about what he thought needed doing, all he could really say was that he needed to get a job. After all the other things I've told him about he only recognizes that aspect of things! We mostly talk as normal to the moment, as we keep up the act round the children. Just no kissing or love yous or holding hands.

he's got an interviews with an agency about a couple jobs today, so that's something. I just want limbo to be over.

You will get through this .

He recognises he needs to get a job and soon, thats something.

I guess you have to try and keep things normal until you are clear what you are going to do.