he's been hiding thousands in debt.

[CuppaSarah]

Yesterday I decided to look at a small consolidation loan to clear my overdraft and the 1-2k on our credit card, thinking it would be lower than our surprisingly high minimum payment on the card and would get us back on track.

I went onto my husband's online credit card account, I've always had access to it, but he could never remember the password and would always check it while I wasn't there-obvious red flags I stupidly didn't see. What do you know, the cards almost at its limit! 7000 is on it! I haven't touched it apart from one lot of groceries early this month as we had literally no money.

I have been skipping meals to ensure our kids have enough, money has been so tight. We can't afford the heating to be on much so bundle the kids up. We don't get days out, treats, anything. I had to return to work much sooner than I felt able to as he 'couldn't' find work. But even my work that has been so stressful it makes me physically ill barely covered the basics.

Yet he's been spending thousands on shi for himself. He can't even tell me what it's on, looking at the statements I've managed to find, it's been frittered away on crap. We never even got each other birthday gifts as we couldn't afford to. But he happily bought for himself. I don't even begrudge him the odd treat, if we can manage it I never get funny about it, I accept being so rough financially is really stressful and the odd small splurge can help prevent the odd big one.

I don't know what to do, all the lies he told me. There's so many lies, I can't ever trust him again. I already sort all the bills and financnes and have worked hard to find a new job I'll be starting soon that has better pay and hours. I thought we were back on track. He is so caring and kind and sweet to our faces yet behind our backs he's done this!

I'm sorry this is such a ramble I'm so upsetand confused, I just need advice or someone to talk to. I've started doing the sums of living without him and we can probably manage, but I don't know what I want to do and what's best right now. It's too raw.

It might be wise not to tell him you might leave and get more info out of him.

See a solicitor ASAP about financial severance. Cost me £70 but stopped me being liable for his debts!!

Agree with PP - you are married, so no, you do not have "separate finances"

It is highly likely that if you split now, as a SAHD it would be you who would have to leave, and you would have to pay him maintenance.

I would play the long game here. Get him to go back to work and take it from there. I couldn't get over how he had allowed me and the DC to scrimp and suffer whilst he bought himself shit. Unforgiveable.

Thank you for the practical advice, this is what I need.

What's financial severance? Honestly clueless, never thought if need a divorce. My mum will help with legal costs fortunately.

She's offered to cover the awkward hours of my work so could get a child minder for the regular hours.

I've told him he stops being a snob about what jobsnje applies for and that I'm making a get out plan, I may not use it, but it's there if I feel I need it.

I was starting to become numb but reading your comments I'm fired up again and angry again.

You could ask your local Citizens Advice if they have a list of local solicitors including family law solicitors that offer a free initial consultation. There are a few in my area that offer 30 minutes for free, which would be well worth it to get some initial advice about limiting your liability for his debts.

i would also be really careful that their main carer (him, if he's not working) got the kids and I ended up as NRP paying maintenance.

He's managed to get an interview with an agency about two jobs for Monday, just like that despite having no interviews in the year or two he's been job hunting . I'm going to focus on getting it so I can be sure I'll be the resident parent if we seperate and not act till then. If neither of us were working when we separate, will the fact I was working be used against me? I can easily get another job, my area of work is begging for people at the moment and will continue to for the foreseeable future. I don't want to not work, but if I need a few months not working to get residency I'll do it. I've worked out my entitlement to benefits should I do this and while tight, without his expensies we'd probably be better than now.

He's shown his view on life: you work and pay and scrimp to give, he spends and takes.

This will not miraculously change even if he gets a job.

I think quitting your job is a bad idea. You wouldn't get Jobseeker's Allowance if you deliberately leave your job. You would only get Income Support if you're a single parent with a child under 5.

Please get legal advice before making any decisions!

And also, don't assume he'll look after the kids whilst you work if you split. Factor in your split that he refuses to pay child maintenance and refuses to look after them when you need him to etc - think worse case scenario.

My marriage ended because of something similar op.
I was made redundant while pregnant so money was really tight but in all honesty i didn't mind , after all we were all together, making sacrifices . i thought we could get through anything as we were in this together. But things just seemed to be getting worse no matter where i cut back and i couldn't understand it.
No matter how many months i put off having a haircut, walked around wearing boots with a hole in the sole of, borrowed money from my parents for bread and milk it just never got better.
Then i started really noticing the small stuff.
How i had to borrow £5 for shopping /baby food but he was still 'nipping to the pub for a quick pint after work' Oh i need £40 to repair the bike' ect.
Then i noticed how when he went to the shops and took say £20, and i said have you got the change as need to get nappies, we would have a dramatic patting down of the trousers and oh my god, i must have lost it..
Then i started finding receipts in the bottom of carrier bags, £20 vodafone voucher, crisps, chocolate, baguette, scratchcard, magazines. When i asked about it was told he had went to the shop with a work mate and shared a bag, it was his stuff. In the end i thought i was going mad.

Eventually it all came out, he had been skimming money off us for ages, also he had been doing cash in hand work and getting cash bonuses and not saying anything , all the time watching me skrimp and borrow to buy nappies for our baby.
Then i found a £600 bill for a spare mobile where he had been ringing chatlines, after all i didn't look after myself as well as i once did and he was lonely in the evenings (while i was outworking to scrape some extra money together)
After this is was like a house of cards, all the hundreds of little lies came crashing down. In the end My son and i ended up homeless, but luckily we are in a much better place.
Ex still grumbles about having to pay maintenance, can't afford to take child away for a weekend ..He has however managed to take out a £3.5k loan to buy himself a dirt bike though.
When push came to shove he choose to put his own wants over the needs of his family. He took money that was meant to feed and clothe our son. He chose to lie as he was more concerned about keeping up the appearance of being a loving dad and husband than actually making any sacrifices himself, but he happily watched me scrub floors at night with cardboard in my shoes. Im well rid x

will he really want custody?

Leave The Bastard. What an irresponsible, lying, workshy, lazy, greedy, selfish cocklodger (posing as a husband and father). Why on earth are you with him?
This, a hundred times!! He's letting you struggle to feed your children while he pisses money up the wall! Go and see a solicitor, get advice and don't tell him until you have your head a little straighter about it all.

Please get decent legal advice.

Please also get as many credit card statements as possible and evidence that the debts were not for joint stuff. you are married to him even if they are in his name you can totally get lumbered with them.

Dear God skilled. What an arsehole.

I don't think he'll change if he gets a job, I just think if he's working and I'm carer for the kids ill be resident parent when we split.

I've not factored in maintenance or jobseekers or income support when doing my calculations. I'm only going on tax credits, housing benefit and my earnings, factoring in the childcare I would need. It is assuming my mum makes good on her promise to do the awkward hours though.

Yesterday I was a mess, today I'm trying to be practical.

Tiptoe yes he will. In his mind it'll mean he can justify not working as he would be working, just doing something fun. Because he's never done the stay at home parent thing while doing all the finances and extra stuff.

Whether or not he can actually put the effort in taking it to court I don't know. I think I can secretly see a solicitor and make up a parent plan and make it so easy for him, his laziness makes him sign up to it.

skilled I am so sorry you've had to go through all this. Does it get easier?

Fortunately for me, he had the credit card statements going to my mums so I couldn't see them! So it will be easy to get them. I hadn't thought of that at all. Thank you all so much for the practical help. This is feels very surreal still, two days ago I was planning on a small weekend away because I have gotten so on top of it financially and was getting us back in a good place. But with him I won't ever get there, he's been holding me back.

Yes, it honestly does.
We are not well off by any means, but i have my own home, my own money and savings. If i am cutting back to save for holidays ect i don't mind it, its a massive sense of achievement. I feel secure and in control. And to be perfectly blunt it's easier now i only have one child to look after instead of one and a overgrown petulant man child.
Im perfectly happy going without somethings myself to make sure my child has it, but i was damned if i was going without while someone who was supposed to be an adult and partner was shitting it away on selfish rubbish quicker than i could earn it

Thank you skilled that means a lot to hear.

Before things got really tight, I saved a significant amount of money for a holiday, all by myself. I was so proud it was enough for a deposit, but I didn't put one down just in case. My car then desperately needing replacing and it all went on that. But there he was enjoying whatever he wanted!

It's not a good idea to rely on quitting your job and going on benefits. I'd get him working first and then get some legal advice. He's a cocklodger.

expat that'd exactly what I'm thinking. I'm hoping he'll get something, even cleaning, but a fair few hours. Then seeing a solicitor, to get advice.

I'm dreading my dad finding out. He'll do anything he can to help me and the kids, but he will be so pissed off with dh.

Is it bad I'm hoping dh can pull off some miracle and make it all better magically?

I have been in a similar situation. DH was very happy for me to pay for bills, etc while he spent his wages on having a great time. We managed to turn it around but it took years and the most horrible arguments for DH to grow up. Some men slip into a lifestyle of total financial irresponsibility and can be extremely reluctant to give it up. If I were you I do an internal check if you feel that he can change, if you can trust him in the future and if you are willing to put your kids through the nastiness that result from this. Getting a financial arse to give up being able to spend money how and when they like can be forcing a child to stop eating sweets in a sweetshop - tantrum alert! Start by refusing to pay the credit card bill and make sure you are as financially independent as possible and you know how much he earns and where it is going when he starts work.

You said about the credit card statements going to YOUR Mum's? I would not be happy if I was your Mum because if he defaults on the payments, it will be her address that is blackened and the address to whom the bailiffs will call.