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Original poster

SAHMs - what do you get from your dps?

116 replies

puffling · 22/02/2007 20:05

Thinking of giving up work to look after dd who's now 11 months. Have read SAHM thread to see if I should or should not be put off the idea.
DP and I have discussed how much he should give me. At the moment, we're saying he'll pay for all bills, car and food and he'll give me £300 a month. Obviously, I will end up paying for things from the chemist, her clothes etc.
Does all this sound reasonable? What arrangements do you have? If you don't mind me asking?

OP posts:
DonnyLass · 23/02/2007 11:18

this is a really interesting thread.

We've had joint accounts on everything for years ... just figured early on that too many couple arguments are about money so if it all goes in and out of one pot that is an attempt to curtail.

We have watched friends bicker, 'I paid for the food last time' etc ... and 'hide' purchases/have secret accounts and secret debts.

Sharing a life = sharing everything?

Having said that, it is so horrid when people split and you hear about bank accounts being cleared, woman and men being 'left' with nothing to show/resources to start over if they were 'home workers' ...

Tricky ...

yaddayah · 23/02/2007 11:21

at "typical" xenia comment !

Please don't rise to her...it'll just degenerate into the usual .. i'm right.. you're all domestic slaves and women are being .. blah blah blah yaddah yah yaddah yah

yaaaaaaaawnnnn

juicychops · 23/02/2007 11:27

me and dp dont live together so he gives me just a little to help cover food/electric/toiletries etc as he uses them when he comes round. I pay the rest from my benefits

kittypants · 23/02/2007 11:32

we have seperate accounts.dh pays all bills etc.i get £70 tax credits for food and everything else a week plus child benefit for 3 children.i do pay 3 bills a month which equal up to about£70 a month.

deaconblue · 23/02/2007 11:40

We just have a joint account. All our money is shared and there is no discussion over what I spend. Of course, I try to make sure I respect this by not being too frivolous. I do have a separate account which we pay a small amount each month into so I can buy gifts for dh without him knowing their price. Can't you just share the money coming in to the household?

LucyJones · 23/02/2007 11:42

I think £300 is a massive amount tbh.
The only money I have is what I earn from a Saturday job. Joint money goes on food, clothes etc but there is no way we could afford £300 to be spent on whatever I liked iyswim

MrsPhilipGlenister · 23/02/2007 11:43

I am a wohm and dh is a sahd. I transfer about £1,300-1,400 pcm to his account but he buys virtually all the groceries and pays the cable and broadband. I pay the mortgage and most of the bills.

foxinsocks · 23/02/2007 11:48

we don't have joint accounts and never will. Dh is so useless with money, like colditz, it would be a short cut to financial hell!

I'm responsible for all the finances, do all the online banking and sort out the credit cards. I have no idea how much money I take out of dh's account each month but he trusts me enough not to worry about it.

Any big expense (other than household stuff) is discussed between the two of us anyway.

divamumplus · 23/02/2007 11:52

why am i not surprise by xenia`s post. she always jumps in and say her typical comments about sahm. its all about life, yes agree with lockets
ppl certainly have different satisfication of their lives.

Ambi · 23/02/2007 17:03

It's an interesting debate huh? Each has their own way, and that is the best way!! Whatever works for each couple should be good enough and not have to apologise or argue their point.

We've had it both ways (with joint and without) But for us it tantamounts to sharing and honesty. Before we married we got paid into separate accounts and both contributed a percentage into the joint a/c dependant on earnings to cover bills/food etc the remainder was left to ourselves to fritter away as we pleased!!! When we married we decided to pay straight into the joint a/c (we work together and I pay the wages so it's easy to pay 1 sum into the joint a/c) I ensure the bills/food spends are cleared then we decide what to do with the rest (savings/spendings)

I actually found it more difficult to move over to the joint system, where I felt I had to justify what I spend rather than freely fritter away, but it helps us save for future.

Summerfruit · 23/02/2007 18:32

Message withdrawn

Gobbledigook · 23/02/2007 18:35

What do I 'get' from my dh?! How bizarre!

I don't 'get' anything. All our money goes into one account and we both spend from it as we like. We don't have to ask permission and I don't get 'an allowance' or any of that daft malarky.

I'm a SAHM but I do work freelance - I therefore contribute financially, albeit a lot less than dh does. However, I contribute a whole lot more in other ways.

I can never understand why women are 'penalised' for making the decision to stay home with children - especially if both parties feel it's important. I've got friends who say 'I'm skint, I'll have to ask dp/dh to pay for it' and I think it's really odd. What a horrible way to live.

Judy1234 · 23/02/2007 20:09

When I was married we always just had joint accounts and nothing was mine or his money. We were lucky that we both had the same attitude to money and neither spent too much and had similar goals. We both worked full time as well always.

LowFatMilkshake · 23/02/2007 20:22

Am a sort of SAHM - well maternity leave until I have to make a decision. But I echo what others have said. It's a partnership there's no mine and yours it "ours".

duchesse · 23/02/2007 21:04

Once you become a serious unit, with very stark division of tasks, as exemplified in one partner working for money, one looking after the children and home, I think that joint finances are the only way to prevent the SAH one from feeling like hired help. I know some families where this handing over of allowance thing is in operation, and it seems to breed only resentment and the feeling that because one does not earn, then she or he is subordinate to the earning one. It must be difficult to be happy feeling that you are "paid" by your spouse.

If you do go ahead and do this (and I can heartily recommend it, personally), you should always take into account that replacement cost of what you will be doing (childcare, housework, bill management, shopping etc...) will add up to at least 20,000 pounds pa, which should necessarily be taken into account when calculating household income. You are not going to be slave labour just because you are not paid. What your husband earns is household income, not his income. It's an entirely different mindset.

milge · 23/02/2007 21:18

I do get paid by my dh - he is self employed and pays me. This reduces his 40% tax liability and brings me up to the most I can earn at basic rate. I do work for him, so its legit and improves our overall tax position. I recently joined a gym and under Employer and Job Title, I put "My husband" and "wife". . This goes into the joint account to pay our bills. I also have a credit card that is cleared each month from his sole account. My salary goes into my sole account and is used to pay for my commitments, eg nanny, school fees, mortgage, phone etc. When I was a SAHM, DH paid these and "paid" me more to cover. Joint expenditure such as holidays, food, kids stuff gets paid for by dh as it is much more than I earn!
Finances are horses for courses and there is no right or wrong. Didn't Carla start a similar thread that kicked off??

lotty34 · 23/02/2007 21:24

We don't have a joint account and I get a set amount each month. No extra and I would never dream of asking for more. It just about covers food shopping and petrol and maybe a bit left over, but not much. He pays for extras like school lunch money and out of school things by cheque. I buy clothes and things with family allowance. I am happy with our set up and glad we don't have a joint account.

duchesse · 23/02/2007 21:33

Milge- cool setup! And you keep money out of Gordy's clutches... It's got everything going for it.

FrannyandZooey · 23/02/2007 21:38

We don't have a joint account. We have a food budget which I try to stick to, I get child benefit to spend on things for ds, dp and I both get an amount of personal money each week with which to buy clothes and stuff, and anything else left over after bills, going out etc, we discuss what to do with it. The fact that there very seldom is anything left over after bills helps simplify matters.

Oh I also work and I keep 2/3 of the profits. This is because we reckon I have more day to day expenses than dh. It could also be because 2/3 of my profits are bugger all

FrannyandZooey · 23/02/2007 21:42

Oh yes I meant to say, I much prefer having an "allowance" because I prefer having my own money to spend as I wish, without having to consult another person or feel guilty that I am maybe spending too much. This way it is very transparent where the money is going. I personally would find it hard to justify spending the amount of money I like to on clothes etc if it was coming out of a shared acc. I would feel I need to ask permission or check it was ok - or I simply wouldn't spend the money because I felt inhibited by the fact it was "ours" not mine. Am I very strange?

dingdongjustforyoufg · 23/02/2007 22:07

we have had a joint account since moving in together, I do all the admin on this, like someone else's DH mine doesn't even know his password to log in to our account he is happy this way, we have been through various combinations - me earning more than him, me on mat leave, me working 0.6 then back to f/t then SAHM for a few months adn back to 0.6...having a joint account has made these changes easier to deal with. We have also had our own 'spending' accounts which we used to buy clothes, presents for each other etc which I really liked but can't afford at the moment

genlay · 23/02/2007 22:20

We have a joint account for saving and DH has his own account (I used to have one but closed it as there was no point) but his is used like a joint one anyway. I am the budget nazi (DH not far behind) and have his card in my wallet as it's just easier like that. he loves not having to go and pay "stupid bills" and we both trust each other not to over spend.

Although there has been the odd occasion where DH has come to me and sheepishly asked if he could borrow some of my pocket money as "I already spent mine" Priceless

The only time I have ever had separate accounts is with ex because I couldn't trust that he wouldn't spend everything I hated this and found it to be more of a parent child relationship. Maybe it works for others???

genlay · 23/02/2007 22:27

although sounds as though milge has got everything sorted, maybe I could get some lessons on organization?

Gobbledigook · 23/02/2007 23:25

Feel guilty about spending too much?! Er, nope, not familiar with that emotion!

Sakura · 23/02/2007 23:38

I totally disagree with this statement duchesse: "It must be difficult to be happy feeling that your "paid" by your spouse."

I have the situation you describe, where Im paid kind of a wage. In our family, I have much more spending power than my DH, and we dont have a joint account. Couple that with the fact that if I was to work, that would also be unquestionably my money (because we see my main role as homemaker). It makes sense for me to have the upper hand in the spending, to balance out the fact that I am dependant on him financially. A joint account would make it more "equal".

It would appear that I have a lot more financial freedom than somebody who pays their wages in to a joint account, to be shared with their DH.
But I`m not criticising people with a joint account. Each to their own.

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