Help me accept this.

[NCforthisoneplease]

Pretty hard to write this but as I keep seeing other posts on here from people in similar situations I thought I would have a go too as I really need help.

Back story is very normal. Married for 10+ years and have 2 young kids aged 5 and 2. Life is actually really good, both in good jobs, great house and the kids are lovely. Holidays, cars and fun are not an issue at all.

She is the love of my life, the apple of my eye and the best thing that has ever happened to me.

The issue is that we have differing views on what intimacy levels we would both like. My sex drive is higher, but not at what I would call abnormal levels (I might be wrong though!). We have had heart to hearts about it in the past but I was never really a good listener and didn't take on board what she was saying. Recently (the last year or so) I've upped my "game" and started to be a much better communicator and actually listened to what she was saying. I've realised some things I do/did were not great and I've actively changed and improved no end. Our relationship was never in danger at all so I have no concerns there.

So anyway the last discussion we had it came out that despite me wanting to dtd more, she is very comfortable where we are and does not see that changing and doesn't want to change. At first I was angry, then upset and then went into a spiral of depression. But now I see that it's wrong of me to try and change her views as that's not fair on her. I don't own her or her body and I shouldn't be trying to coerce or force her to do things she doesn't want or enjoy.

I've come to terms with that, but I need some help in getting my head round what I can do to lower my drive and/or accept this position in life and empower myself to "make the most" (horrid wording, sorry) of what we have.

I'm not in anyway thinking of leaving as I love her so much. She is the first thing I think of each day. She is wonderful and the most special thing to me in my life (alongside the kids, of course)

So does anyone have tips on what I can do to manage my own mind here? Couples Counselling isn't an option as when I brought it up it was dismissed as she doesn't feel there is anything to fix as she doesn't feel broken (again, bad wording but you get the drift I hope without wanting to flame me). We talk, have fun and share so many good times, so it's not like anything else is wrong!

Thanks for reading and please be gentle with me!

isn't not is

Earl, no fully understand which was why I knew I had to totally change my attitude to our sexual relationship after being a dick.

Sad to say I can totally identify with that feeling of doing it just to keep someone happy in previous relationships. It's something I guess some women and men experience, whilst others don't. Because it depends on the dynamic of the relationship and personalities.

She needs to get off the pill. Those damn things destroy a woman's sex drive, especially when their older, never mind all the other health risks. Get a vasectomy, asap.

Earl, no fully understand which was why I knew I had to totally change my attitude to our sexual relationship after being a dick.

Continue not being a dick. Give it time. With luck she'll start seeing sex as fun again.

Oh - and investigate other forms of contraception if she is on the pill. When I had an implant my libido was lower than Mother Theresa's.

I haven't been on the pill for 5 years now and still don't get horny very often. Has anyone invented female Viagra yet?

I've never ever faked sex with a partner, I don't understand women who do this, they are only perpetuating the problem by pretending they want sex, fgs, we are adults, if you don't want it, say so, even if it means he goes in a huff like a child.

Such a difficult situation. I've no answers, sorry.

My pledge is to encourage all my children, once they become young adults, to have healthy sex lives. It just wasn't encouraged in my day, quite the reverse, it was forbidden.

How else are you to find out before getting invested in a serious relationship that you are mismatched sexually if you don't try, try and try again?

Emotionally it's of huge importance. It's so much more than the physical act. It's about how you identify with yourself as a sexual being. Whether you feel attractive. It stops the self doubt, increases feelings of worth and the endorphins are great.

I wish you well, it sounds as though the other areas in your life are happy ones, although, I do appreciate the pain of sexual mismatch.

I really hoped someone would say something like "oh, have you tried xxxxx, it helped me when my DP went off sex and allowed me to go about my day without worrying about it". I dunno, mediation, medication

There is medication to lower your libido. Google if you like. It's a bit extreme though, isn't it? But then again, so is "spiralling into depression" because you only have sex twice a month. BTW have you now dealt with this depression? Are you on medication or anything from your GP for it? Or did it disappear after it didn't guilt your wife into having sex with you more, even though now you're trying to be nice instead of rapey/stroppy? Anti-depressants often have the side effect of lowering libido.

If you want help to accept it - which is what you've asked for - then why do you see the suggestion of going to counselling as some kind of insult? Counselling is a bloody good idea if you're struggling with accepting or understanding your feelings on something.

I've never ever faked sex with a partner, I don't understand women who do this, they are only perpetuating the problem by pretending they want sex, fgs, we are adults, if you don't want it, say so, even if it means he goes into a strop like a child

Or maybe men could not try and "apply pressure" to get their wives to have sex when they don't want to?

Absolutely Mumoftwo but giving in to such disrespectful behaviour is only adding to the problem, not solving it and why do women put men before their own wellbeing, I don't get it.

Oh FFS, why does this never ending procession of men think we want to hear them moan about their mean old frigid wives?

It's one a day now. This one has gone to great efforts to show how reasonable and amazing he is, yes, but it's still the same old same old 'my wife won't put even though in SO lovely, how will I ever LIVE?'

is that true of all pills?

Not that you need my medical history () but in the last 12 years I've tried four different combined pills, two mini pills, the implant, the injection, the nuvaring and had a failed attempt at a coil.

All any of them achieved was making me fatter and spotty, depressed, made my hair fall out, sent TOTM haywire and killed my libido. In fact, I didn't know I had a libido until I came off hormones at 26!

Or maybe men could not try and "apply pressure" to get their wives to have sex when they don't want to?

Yeah, because women never try to apply pressure on their husbands to have sex when they don't want to? There was a thread on AIBU only last week (rushes to see if he kind find it to do the link) where a woman was (for the most part) handed her arse on a plate for pestering her husband for sex when he didn't want it.

Are you set in your ways re dtd? That can be a problem. Maybe she would be more interested in the daytime rather than at night when she has finally made it to bed/got some alone time? Maybe she'd be happy with a quickie, without orgasm. The performance expectation of a 'proper session' can put you off starting at all!
There was a thread on here a while ago where some people said you can't possibly do it in 10mins, and others were saying how on earth can you keep going for that long, don't you get bored?

No-one should pressure anyone for sex... that is sexually abusive behaviour...

Why on earth would anyone feel angry about the lack of sex when having sex 1 - 2 times per month with small children? In fact, if you are getting angry with a partner about lack of sex the only sane or kind thing to do is leave.

If I had two small children, was taking hormonal contraception and had a partner who was a sexual bully and who had a history of not listening to me and the sex needing to be worked on because it wasn't mutually beneficial then I would be massively turned off as well as out of the door.

As one very wise poster said on another thread there are two keys to a ltr one is kindness and the other is a similar libido.

OP go get the snip, that way she gives her body a break from the hormones and it might help, besides that it would be a lovely thing for you to do for her. Takes the burden off her.

Good luck

Hmm.

Twice a month is OK IMO. Try once every 6 weeks . Except now the last time was August of last year and it will probably never happen again for me as H and I should once i can drum up the courage get divorced. Am 47 so this may well be it for me relationship wise.

I suggest treasuring your relationship and enjoying the sex you have.

(And never going back to pestering your wife for sex).

When I think about it now, I think my H lost interest in sex with me ages ago.

Looking back on it I would have stopped trying to initiate anything (it was 99% of the time me who initiated) a long time ago.

I do think general affection (completely lacking in my relationship - I have given up now but for a long time I yearned for it while H withheld it) and communication (another thing my H doesn't do at all) are very important.

If you have affection, communication and some sex, I would say you are lucky.

So, about time for an update I guess.

Its not gone well. After reading all the advise and stuff on here I decided that Friday night I would ask her some questions about "us" outright as I needed some answers. Both kids were in bed, glass of white on the go and dinner cooked. Over dinner I casually asked her if she still fancied me as I was feeling a little under wanted. The reply was "oh, i was hoping this wouldnt happen for a while". 2 hours later and we are both still sitting at the table over an uneaten dinner and she has told me that there is no "spark" anymore and she just doednt feel like that. She has been feeling this way for a few months and has just been trying to keep it together and see what happens. But now she doesnt want us to be together like that and see me as her best friend, not a lover or partner.

I'm still in shock I think and shaking at work as I type this. The weekend was terrible, didnt speak to each other and I slept on the sofa. Staying away tonight at a hotel near work so I can think and get my head around what has happened to my life. She says its not anything I have done, she has just lost whatever we had at the start and it's not going to come back.

So, there you go. Ive asked her to take her time before she confirms what she wants to do but feel that this is actually the end, I'm so knocked for 6 that the fight has gone out of me.

For a moment reading this I thought you were my DH lol. But no, you aren't he has a higher sex drive than me! We have sex at least 2-3 times a week and it still isn't enough. If I don't feel like having actual sex I usually just give him a hand job. But there's nothing you can do to take your libido away. Could you maybe talk.to her and tell her you find her incredibly attractive and would love it if you could be more intimate in the bedroom? Or ask her if there's anything you could do to help get her in the mood? Massage etc?

Oh, god, I'm so sorry. I hadn't seen your last post before I posted. How awful. I suppose now at least you know the truth. So sorry you're hurting.

I'm sorry OP.
It must be a real shock for you.
But now you have an explanation.
I wouldn't be surprised if she's had her head turned by someone but equally she could just be telling you like it is for her now.
Get some space away.
Get some legal advice.
Be there for your DC when ever you can.
This will be a really shit time for you.
So look after yourself.
You are probably is shock so ensure you are hydrated.
Nothing we say now can make you feel better.
But you will get past this in time.
It's a bereavement so allow yourself time to grieve.

Sorry to hear that.

It is good to have time apart just now even though it must feel awful.

And it is better for both of you to have this out in the open, even though it is never going to feel that way right now.