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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help me accept this.

102 replies

NCforthisoneplease · 12/01/2017 10:24

Pretty hard to write this but as I keep seeing other posts on here from people in similar situations I thought I would have a go too as I really need help.

Back story is very normal. Married for 10+ years and have 2 young kids aged 5 and 2. Life is actually really good, both in good jobs, great house and the kids are lovely. Holidays, cars and fun are not an issue at all.

She is the love of my life, the apple of my eye and the best thing that has ever happened to me.

The issue is that we have differing views on what intimacy levels we would both like. My sex drive is higher, but not at what I would call abnormal levels (I might be wrong though!). We have had heart to hearts about it in the past but I was never really a good listener and didn't take on board what she was saying. Recently (the last year or so) I've upped my "game" and started to be a much better communicator and actually listened to what she was saying. I've realised some things I do/did were not great and I've actively changed and improved no end. Our relationship was never in danger at all so I have no concerns there.

So anyway the last discussion we had it came out that despite me wanting to dtd more, she is very comfortable where we are and does not see that changing and doesn't want to change. At first I was angry, then upset and then went into a spiral of depression. But now I see that it's wrong of me to try and change her views as that's not fair on her. I don't own her or her body and I shouldn't be trying to coerce or force her to do things she doesn't want or enjoy.

I've come to terms with that, but I need some help in getting my head round what I can do to lower my drive and/or accept this position in life and empower myself to "make the most" (horrid wording, sorry) of what we have.

I'm not in anyway thinking of leaving as I love her so much. She is the first thing I think of each day. She is wonderful and the most special thing to me in my life (alongside the kids, of course)

So does anyone have tips on what I can do to manage my own mind here? Couples Counselling isn't an option as when I brought it up it was dismissed as she doesn't feel there is anything to fix as she doesn't feel broken (again, bad wording but you get the drift I hope without wanting to flame me). We talk, have fun and share so many good times, so it's not like anything else is wrong!

Thanks for reading and please be gentle with me!

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 12/01/2017 13:36

I think you need to keep in mind that your wife just had a baby two years ago, and for some women, it can take quite a while for their libido to come back.

Original poster
NCforthisoneplease · 12/01/2017 13:37

Oh and if she did turn round and say it's off the cards for ever I would just try to accept it and find a coping mechanism. I love her too much to give up our marriage and relationship over it, no matter how much it means to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
NCforthisoneplease · 12/01/2017 13:38

Fully accept that Aqua!

OP posts:
Huskylover1 · 12/01/2017 13:39

She's got you where she wants you then.....

What she wants, is what goes. What you want is irrelevant. Totally and utterly irrelevant.

jeaux90 · 12/01/2017 13:59

Is she on the pill? That knocked my libido for 6. I would get the snip if she is.

Original poster
NCforthisoneplease · 12/01/2017 14:00

Ha ha Husky, yes but I don't think that is deliberate or done with malice! She's not like that at all!

OP posts:
Original poster
NCforthisoneplease · 12/01/2017 14:01

She is Jeaux and that is on the cards for me but purely as we don't want anymore, not as a method to increase the sex life.

OP posts:
Earlgreywithmilk · 12/01/2017 14:03

Don't understand why some people are her getting het up about my 'women have lower libidos' comment. If you've had kids and are at it every day then good for you but I'm pretty sure if u asked 100 women whether their libido had diminished after kids the majority would answer yes. Or at least it's true of practically every woman I know. If it starts to rocket up again when u reach your 40's well great, I can't wait!

amusedbush · 12/01/2017 14:06

Ooh that could totally be it, OP. When I'm on hormonal contraceptives I'm basically dead inside. They also make me depressed and anxious.

I came off hormones a year ago because we weren't having sex enough to justify feeling crap all the time and it was like a lightswitch. I'm considering going back on them just so I'll stop caring Blush

Adora10 · 12/01/2017 14:10

Twice a month isn't so bad OP but I get what you are saying, perhaps put more romance into the relationship, that may put her in the mood.

I can tell you though that once a woman reaches menopause the libido takes a massive dive, it's bloody awful, I think my partner also has lost his too, I know it's our age and part of life but it's bloody rubbish as we used to be so active that way; we've been together 15 years and manage once every 2 weeks now; if you are not feeling it, you just are not.

Original poster
NCforthisoneplease · 12/01/2017 14:12

Bush, is that true of all pills? I wish there was a male version to kill libido...

Adora, I don't want to "pit her in the mood" though, that's not fair on her.

OP posts:
Huskylover1 · 12/01/2017 14:12

I'm sure there is no malice...although the end result is the same. That said, she is not willing to make any compromise, even when you spiralled in to depression. Selfish, perhaps? I dunno.

I do think having small kids takes its toll. Let's hope things improve in a few years. There will be no excuses then, at least.

Original poster
NCforthisoneplease · 12/01/2017 14:14

Sorry that came out wrong. I am romantic, but not to get her in the mood, it's just how I am. I buy flowers, treats, foot rubs, get her the glass of wine so we can relax in the evening etc. Just, you know, because I love her Blush

OP posts:
Original poster
NCforthisoneplease · 12/01/2017 14:15

Am I too nice?

OP posts:
toptoe · 12/01/2017 14:15

For me kids = knackered = mood killer

I think op you are linking less sex with her not 'wanting' you - which would explain your initial anger. Try thinking in terms of her not being able to do it much at the moment, rather than not wanting to do it.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 12/01/2017 14:15

Hi Purple. Yes probably due to my "old self" thinking that a bit of pressure would eventually break her down! It was actually from reading this forum that helped me get out of that habit before we started to try and conceive our second! I used to be a right dick about it and get stroppy if/when she turned up down and would badger her. I guess she could still feel resentful about that, will try to talk about that but to be honest I don't think any amount of talking will change her mind on it, hence my desire for copying ideas rather than a list saying "why won't she sleep with me

So basically (until you found Mumsnet and it saved your soul) you spent years push and pushing and pressurising her into having sex with you and stropping when she wouldn't have sex? Whilst she had a very young child? And now you are wondering why she no longer sees sex as a fun activity that she wants to have lots of?

Uh duh?!?

Because you have ruined it for her you idiot! There will have been times when your "pressure" and "stropping" worked and she lay there with you humping away at her whilst she just longed for it to be over as she was exhausted and just wanted to go to sleep.

broodybrooder · 12/01/2017 14:18

I'm not sure if I've missed this, but what was it like before kids?

With a 5 year old and a 2 year old, I think a couple of times a month is unsurprising. I've a 5 year old, just started school, I work and DP works and it's amazing how quickly the weeks go by ATM. Sometimes, it's all a blur and I realise somehow a week or a fortnight has gone and there's been no action!

I'm not being flippant about the frustration of living with someone who has a lower drive. I have a higher drive then DP and at time it can really do my head in.

But these things go in cycles don't they? For example at the moment I am pretty happy with the status quo of a couple of times a month as I'm not having chance to miss it much myself.

But equally, there are times when life is more chilled, we get closer and the regularity increases for a bit.

I'm definitely a more I have it the more I want it type.

Anyway, what I'm saying is, your wife probably IS happy with things now. But that doesn't mean to say, it'll be like this forever?

Sounds like she has a lot on her plate but in a couple of years it could go back to how it was before kids (if it was more frequent then)

Original poster
NCforthisoneplease · 12/01/2017 14:24

I think you might have some issues there MumOf2. Sorry, can't see the need for that kind of reply but thanks for taking the time to reply. Nothing I don't already know though.

OP posts:
Earlgreywithmilk · 12/01/2017 14:31

And she lay there with you humping away at her whilst she longed for it to be over as she was exhausted and wanted to go to sleep GrinGrinGrin

Sorry op - I think only a woman would understand!

Huskylover1 · 12/01/2017 14:32

Mumof2 Very harsh post. There is nothing wrong with wanting intimacy with your partner. And feeling grumpy if you are rejected.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 12/01/2017 14:32

No issues personally. Right now I'm the frustrated one in my marriage (last shag was on NYD - am practically climbing the walls!) However am very aware from talking to friends that once sex becomes something you "should" do rather than something you choose to do then it just becomes another chore on the very very long list of chores.

And once it has gone that way it is very hard to get it back to "fun bouncy cuddles" again.

Obviously the biology is different as my Dh can only shag me if he (at least vaguely) wants to but it is something that I am very aware of.

Huskylover1 · 12/01/2017 14:32

I can't identify with that (and I am a woman)

itsmine · 12/01/2017 14:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Huskylover1 · 12/01/2017 14:35

However am very aware from talking to friends that once sex becomes something you "should" do rather than something you choose to do then it just becomes another chore on the very very long list of chores.

Most women I know, don't view it that way, at all. I certainly don't. Still fancy DH very much and would much rather DTD than household chores.

toptoe · 12/01/2017 14:36

Trouble is we all have a complicated relationship with sex, based on previous experiences and also our view of our bodies/hormones/lack of sleep. You can't take it personally when someone has a different sex drive to you. It's their body, their sex drive. When you have low drive you can't do much to kick start it yourself, so your partner is going to be able to.

There is no harm in having non sexual contact like a cuddle, or holding hands, to bridge the gap if you're missing the contact. But you need to separate this from sex imo.

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