Help me accept this.

[NCforthisoneplease]

Pretty hard to write this but as I keep seeing other posts on here from people in similar situations I thought I would have a go too as I really need help.

Back story is very normal. Married for 10+ years and have 2 young kids aged 5 and 2. Life is actually really good, both in good jobs, great house and the kids are lovely. Holidays, cars and fun are not an issue at all.

She is the love of my life, the apple of my eye and the best thing that has ever happened to me.

The issue is that we have differing views on what intimacy levels we would both like. My sex drive is higher, but not at what I would call abnormal levels (I might be wrong though!). We have had heart to hearts about it in the past but I was never really a good listener and didn't take on board what she was saying. Recently (the last year or so) I've upped my "game" and started to be a much better communicator and actually listened to what she was saying. I've realised some things I do/did were not great and I've actively changed and improved no end. Our relationship was never in danger at all so I have no concerns there.

So anyway the last discussion we had it came out that despite me wanting to dtd more, she is very comfortable where we are and does not see that changing and doesn't want to change. At first I was angry, then upset and then went into a spiral of depression. But now I see that it's wrong of me to try and change her views as that's not fair on her. I don't own her or her body and I shouldn't be trying to coerce or force her to do things she doesn't want or enjoy.

I've come to terms with that, but I need some help in getting my head round what I can do to lower my drive and/or accept this position in life and empower myself to "make the most" (horrid wording, sorry) of what we have.

I'm not in anyway thinking of leaving as I love her so much. She is the first thing I think of each day. She is wonderful and the most special thing to me in my life (alongside the kids, of course)

So does anyone have tips on what I can do to manage my own mind here? Couples Counselling isn't an option as when I brought it up it was dismissed as she doesn't feel there is anything to fix as she doesn't feel broken (again, bad wording but you get the drift I hope without wanting to flame me). We talk, have fun and share so many good times, so it's not like anything else is wrong!

Thanks for reading and please be gentle with me!

What Cricrichan says! Nothing is sexier than a man 'pulling their weight' it makes me actually want to DTD when I don't feel resentful about how much I have to do.

Yes I was generalizing infofreako - but having discussed this very thing probably thousands of times with friends/looked at things in the media I think you would find, in general, it is true. Women, in general, do not have as high a sex drive as men and it is especially true in women who have had children

Maybe when u reach 40+ the sex hormones kick in again, I am not that old yet but I sincerely hope (for dh's sake) that it is true!

I think the reason why women's sex drives diminish after kids is because they're so bloody busy/touched out and constantly tending to others. That's the reason why historically women's sex drives increase when the kids are older .

Thanks again all. To Cric etc, without wanting to stealth boast (picked that up from here, life the expression) we do basically have a really good split. I cook, clean, look after the kids, as does she! We make sure each other has time and space for activities and interests, both socialise with others and spend time together. I do those things because I want to and enjoy doing them, not because I'm using it as some sort of bargaining tool.

We don't really have time together for dates or things like that though. Maybe that's something I'm feeling like I'm missing (funny how talking it through makes you think of things like that)

As I said from the start (and it's looks like not very well) I don't want to change her mind any more or force her. I'm at a point of accepting her position on it and was looking for advice from people in the same situation on what mechanisms they use for coping or support.

And Earl, I don't think I could do the old "mean" routine. I'm not the most masculine man, not a lad or anything like that so it wouldn't be my personality and I feel I would be lieing to myself and to her which breaks the trust we have in each other! If anything it would probably be a red flag to her that I was up to something and then she would be on here asking for help to see what I was up to!

Women, in general, do not have as high a sex drive as men and it is especially true in women who have had children

What? I can't believe I just read that !

Most women have an increase in libido around late 30's. There have been dozens of studies and articles on this, but here is one.....

content.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,2007422,00.html

My libido is through the roof, has been since about age 37....am now 47 and no change yet. Thankfully, DH is almost the same.

I'm not the most masculine man

Might this be something to address?

In what way Husky?

Not sure.......you don't say if you need to bulk up at the gym or whether you are referring to your approach to life (by being shy for eg.) Have you changed massively since you met? How old is she?

That's good. What was your sex life like pre kids? Was her libido closer to yours?

Why would the OP need to change his masculine levels husky?!? He is who he is, if it was a woman you wouldn't be saying she needs to be more feminine for her husband would you!

I feel for you OP. It can be hell to have differing drives. You sound very understanding but it really doesn't seem fair! I think I would go mad if we only dtd twice a month. Coping wise, I don't know. Masturbation is really the only thing you can do.

Ha, interesting, i see. No, not like that. I don't think physical appearance defines a mans masculinity. Fwiw I'm a normal looking fellow, not fat, not thin just bang average. As for my approach to life, yeah I guess I mean that. I can be very shy and. It the most assertive but I have always been like that so hopefully that isn't an issue.

Not changed much since we met apart from getting older, gaining and then losing weight (nothing major, the odd stone here and there). Personality still pretty much the same but with improvements on outlook, communication and understanding.

We are both 36.

And anyway, I'm not trying to get her to change her mind about it. Not sure how many times I can point that out to be honest.

Orlando I wondered if he had changed at all? Maybe he was once a gym bunny, and now he's fat. Grasping at straws really.....trying to figure out why she wanted him once, but not now. I think it's most likely the small children and all that entails, tbh.

Pre kids we were like rabbits Cric. But then again, from what I've read and spoken to people about, that's normal?

Cross post, sorry. Well, there should be compromise, imo. She is simply telling you to "put up and shut up".

I think it just takes time tbh.

I also don't think it's unreasonable to ask her to compromise and DTD a little more frequently especially as your youngest gets older. Although having read your posts I think you would both gain from having some intimate evenings out together to reconnect as a couple the two of you out of the house. You have said you miss the intimacy and connection - a lot of that is emotional and can be regained through chatting about hopes and dreams and what you love about each other and your family - an easy habit to get out of.

I honestly think some of how often an established couple DTD becomes habit. I think I would be upset if my partner refused counselling because they didn't consider it an issue! Do you think she genuinely understands how you are feeling and if so is she sympathetic?

Cheers Husky, but would only be relevant if I wanted to "change" her and I love her too much to expect her to do something she doesn't want to do just to suit me!

I really think that if you were at it like rabbits then it's because of the kids and once they're a bit older and her hormones settle back down and it's not so exhausting then she will go back to what she was like.

My libido goes from very horny to 0 depending on what's going on with my life. Hormones also have a big effect - ovulation time is when women tend to have higher libidos.

But yes, try and find some fun stuff to do together as a couple. It's very easy once you have kids to consider yourselves as cogs in the endless kids/work/house machine .

Im wth your wife on this , and have a DH who feels exactly as you do, except hes maybe a bit less understanding at times. In my case Im 55 and have 10 years "experience" ahead of himto be frank, Im just not that interested anymore that way, I cant say whythe brain is a funny thing. One thing my councillor told me though is that women with kids get a lot of "touching" and mauling around from the children, usually more so than most men and particularly with younger children and many (not all of coursemumsnet is proof of that) therefore feel less need for the constant touching/intimacy of another adult.

Itsmine. Yeah was a bad title, I couldn't work out one that would grab people and get the read it, so sorry!

And yes I think she really does genuinely understand my feelings on this and as I said I was out out when she said no to talking it through with a professional, but looking at it now I can see her point of view. There is. Thing wrong with her, just just likes it less than I do. Same would go for holidays. If she wanted to have 3 per year but I only wanted 1, I wouldn't expect her to suggest counselling about it or get in a strop! You have to accept the view of the person that would be put out if forced to do something they didn't want to.

Looks like it's wanking and ignoring it for me then. Shame as I really hoped someone would say something like "oh, have you tried xxxxx, it helped me when my DP went off sex and allowed me to go about my day without worrying about it". I dunno, mediation, medication. Maybe I need to develop some kind of Pavlov reaction to when I think about sex too much, I picture something that takes my mind off it.

Yes User, I get all that. All the touched out stuff and all the aparenting buts. I really do, I think I have said so a lot! I'm ok with her perspective and don't want her to change her mind just to fulfill my selfish needs.

So anyway the last discussion we had it came out that despite me wanting to dtd more, she is very comfortable where we are and does not see that changing and doesn't want to change

then went into a spiral of depression

Couples Counselling isn't an option as when I brought it up it was dismissed

You have made it clear how this upsets you. She isn't willing to budge one bit. She has watched you spiral into depression, and still won't make any effort to change. Your whole sex life is based around what she wants. She may decide next year that sex is off the cards forever. What then?

It's clear that you adore her, but I am not sure that she adores you, quite so much.

You are questioning how to suppress your desires (I think)? But I'm not sure that you can. So you will spend the next 40 years constantly feeling frustrated and unfulfilled in that area of your life. I'm not sure that is sustainable or very good for you.

I love her too much to expect her to do something she doesn't want to do just to suit me!

How do you know that she actually wants to DTD, when you do? Does she initiate? If not, maybe she doesn't even want the sex that you do have.

See, she's doing it (and apparently enjoying it) 1-2 times a month.

So it's not like she's off sex. Far from it.

If that was me, and I knew my much loved husband was feeling crap as a result, I would try to compromise. Maybe once a week.

She may be happy with once a month, but there are two people in the marriage and they both matter.

Husky, it is always at her initiation, when she is in the mood. Last time we dtd after my imitation was between kids. Constant rejection and fear of pushing her further away has made me stop asking. But I'm ok with that.