Division of labour and running a home. AIBU?

[ferrerorocherfiend]

I would really appreciate some opinions as I'm not sure if I'm justified in feeling a bit pissed off right now or not!

DP and I live together. DP works long hours. Normally six days a week and he's normally out from 7am until anytime between 6 and 7pm at night.

I also work, although not as many hours. I have a zero hours paid job and also a voluntary job (which we get a rent free flat through, so it's a pretty vital job)

I'm currently feeling quite fed up by the way the labour is divided at home, but I'm not sure if I should just suck it up due to the fact the DP does work really hard. I easily do 80% (at least) of the housework. If DP is home for the day he will do things like washing up, clean benches etc. He'll also change beds and stuff if I ask. However all the deep cleaning and icky things like bathrooms are always left to me. I also do most of the meal planning/cooking as I'm usually home before DP on a night.

As an example... Yesterday DP was out his normal hours. My day consisted of absolutely blitzing flat from top to bottom as it was filthy. Including taking down the xmas tree and throwing it away. Sorting our overflowing washing basket. Doing a few hours work out of the home for voluntary job. Doing admin tasks that needed doing (ringing bank, chasing council about out knackered boiler) walking our dog, and then going shopping to buy us something nutritious for tea. The food was then cooked and ready for DP coming in. DP came in, ate his tea and then relaxed on sofa for rest of evening. The plates were then taken to kitchen by him, left on the side and not washed up. He hardly ever washes the plates, so even though I cooked the meal I'm left to do them the next morning.

In addition to this it always seems like most of the admin tasks like paying bills etc fall on me. As an example, we are going away for a few days tomorrow and if I hadn't sorted a pet sitter we wouldn't have one coming!

DP isn't an unreasonable person and he would listen if I brought up how I am feeling. Would it be fair for me to say something? He does work really hard and he is usually shattered when he gets in. However I'm also currently feeling like my life is an endless round of cleaning, cooking and organising and we don't even have DC yet!

How do I approach this? I want to nip it in the bud before resentment grows, but at the same time I don't want to be unfair.

Ocelot. I am hoping to increase my paid work hours a bit soon, but I can't take on too many as it will clash with my voluntary work. My voluntary work is if anything more important because it provides us with this flat.

I'm not always as home wating for him. I'm usually busy with my paid/voluntary work. If I am at home I'm busy doing admin for that, walking dog, being proactive about things. I exercise regularly and I horse ride for a hobby.

I coud ask with help cooking cleaning on his days off, but is that fair? This is the dilemma I find myself in.

Yes, if you don't suggest they'll never get done; and if you don't suggest sharing them, they'll never get shared. And you do have that bit more time to both be aware of things that need to be done and to spot them before they crop up. So Sunday night takeaway with a notepad might be a good start.

Also, and I don't mean to be needly about this - I know you have a pet/pets (not sure how many) and that brings a workload - but two adults can't really really create so much mess, especially if one is gone 5/6 days a week x 12 hours, that cleaning and washing dishes could possibly consume very much time. Clearly it is chipping away at you, and you want things to change, but it's hard for me to see this as a very great domestic workload for you or your H.

I agree with a PP that once he gets home from work should should divide the evening chores (washing up) 50/50 so that you can both sit down together. Out of respect and for the sake of harmony.

Yes he should be doing some stuff to contribute to the running of the house on his day off. It would probably only take the two of you 2 hours to blitz the house. Or an hour in the supermarket to do a big shop. Then take the afternoon off.

I worked those kind of hours for many years and still had to clean, shop, cook, pay the bills etc. He'd have to do it if he lived on his own, and many people do. Aside from the physical aspects of being responsible for it all, it's the mental organising of it.

Yanbu. How do single men manage to feed and clothe themselves? I couldn't be with somebody who needed me to wash his pants, regardless of working hours.

I've never in my life heard of a woman who works long hours in addition to sorting herself out domestically, then who abdicates the domestic stuff when she gets a boyfriend.

Adults take care of themselves. In a relationship, it's nice to do things for each other too but it has to be equal.

To me, op is living in the 1950s.

The mental organisation is quite exhausting Cricrichan. I've always got a list of things I need to do and I'm never near the bottom of it.

We have a reminder board in the kitchen. His has one thing on it and mine has about 20! Says it all really :0

I've been living with DP for about 15 years and the only division of labour that works for us is fifty fifty, regardless of work commitments.

Who is bringing these men up to think that working full time entitles you to free domestic service from your partner?

Can I just ask about the bigger picture op?

You work pretty much full time- 30 hours plus voluntary work which provides your flat. In addition you do all the housework and wifework , expect for the bins.

Some months you pay the bills as well as he is skint.

He works all the time so you hardly ever see him. When he does come home from work he eats the meal you cooked and watches tv all night while you do more chores.

Is that right ?

I'm struggling to see what's in this for you.

kr1stina. I work about 30 hours a week altogether, including my voluntary job.

I do most of the housework, but he does wash up and tidy if he's in alone. It is the main cleaning jobs that all fall to me though iyswim. He doesn't clean bathrooms, scrub floors etc.

I did pay all the bills last month as he didn't receive a wage.

We do rarely see each other because of his job. We both hate that though!

To be fair we do relax together on the night and spend time together then. The dishes will be put back in the kitchen.

Who is bringing these men up to think that working full time entitles you to free domestic service from your partner?

Apparently quite a few posters on this thread!

He CHOSE a job that involves long hours. He doesn't have any rent to pay so actually he could have picked a job with a better work/home balance.

He's shown that he is capable of washing etc as he does it when he's alone......but when you're there he acts like an entitled arse and just leaves it for you to do!

He isn't stupid OP, he knows full well he should be helping out more.
If he was living alone he'd have to make the time and find the energy to do all the stuff you're doing. So i don't buy the excuse that he's 'tired out'.

Will this be his get-out excuse for the rest of your lives?

30 hours is classed as full time OP, so you're working full time and then doing all the housework.

STOP being the 'little woman'. Don't fall into the trap of doing all the wife work out of some misguided sense of duty and obligation.

I think he should be doing more. How about setting aside an hour on his day off when you can blitz together? One takes the bathroom, the other grabs the hoover, then o e starts dinner whilst the other grabs some towels to wash. Most adults have to do some daily drudge on their days off to keep themselves clean and alive.

Dont you ever say to him, come on let's to the dishes now. Then one washes, the other dries or grabs some more clothes to put in the washer. If you never say anything he will think you are happy with the situation.

I'm struggling to see what either of you are getting from this relationship.

How messy is he OP besides the dishes? Does he pick up after himself or leave trails of stuff in his wake?

Maintaining a flat only you are in most of the time is different to picking up after a hurricane that arrives every evening and if that's the case, you're not being unreasonable.

You should definitely ask him for help with the washing up though - it's not fair if you've tidied the flat and then he comes home, helps in the messing it up and then lounges on the sofa. Cooking a meal and clearing up together is a nice way to catch up and talk. Then you both get to sit down.

If you think with his hours it's unkind to ask him to do more, why don't you do less?
Or get him to swap doing the dishes for doing a bathroom instead.

Maybe get a dishwasher?
Or you could both go halves on a cleaner for an hour a week to come in and blitz the horrible stuff.

He's not messy at all broodybrooder. He picks up after himself and would never just carelessly leave the place in a state.

I probably should get him more involved in the cooking. I've managed to set the status quo of his tea almost being on the table when he gets in (unless he gets in before me of course) Until recently I did actually work a few really late shifts a week, and he would have made me food for when I'd gotten in. It's just the dynamic has now totally shifted and (rightly or wrongly) I'm faintly horrified at the thought of always cooking the evening meal at least six days a week.

I probably should do less in the house tbh. I think I may have become a little bit obsessive over it all. As I mentioned earlier I've got quite bad anxiety and I think obsessing over housework might be it's latest manifestation.

Definitely going to look into a cleaner when we have the funds for it. The sheer prospect of it sounds like bliss

A cleaner sounds great but to be honest, I would imagine that for as long as your dp is working 6 days a week and is out from 7 til 7 then life is going to be shit. He is going to be exhausted from his work and you are going to be exhausted from your work and the home drudge.

You have mentioned that he only has one say off a week and wondered whether its fair to ask him to 'do' stuff on that day. How many days do you get off entirely free of chores? Thought not.

Our rule is no one sits down until it's all done. That way if he's at work, you crack on. When he's sitting down, so are you. Simple.

That is my fear SeaCabbage. There's just no work/life balance at all

FinallyHere. I don't have any chore free days. There's always something to be done. Then again I am incapable of leaving things, so it could be partly my fault.

I think your DP does enough due to work hours .. i am a stay at home new mum and was while pregnant too DP works full time i do all the cleaning cooking making sure he has a meal ready for when hes home washing and now looking after baby too i think its completely fair as he's the bread winner

I'm a single parent with one child (and all the school admin that brings! Bloody costume making...!) and I work full time, including being away every other week for 4 nights. That's great for not creating mess, but I still have washing accumulating, and significantly less time to do all the life admin jobs.

I really don't want this to sound all "what's the fuss about?" but it does always make me think on threads like this, there are two issues:

• the obvious one of who is doing what
• the maybe less obvious one of WHY does it feel there is so much to do?

Two people who are both tidy (you say he is) should not create so much housework that long "blitzes" are necessary.

I think you've got good insight there that this might be related to your current anxiety. Even just 2 things on a to do list can drag you down if it seems like a never ending list, and there are always 2. Depends whether your mindset is you're looking for the zero list which is never going to happen, so it distresses you to see 2 - or your mindset is that life means always having a couple of things to do.

There may be some things that you need to compromise on. Can you make it not matter that he leaves dishes until the next day? Pick your battles!

I think you might gain by addressing what you describe as your need to be doing something. If you're a bit of a one woman job creation scheme, then no - it's not fair he has to do 50% of the jobs you invent!
But he's not being fair if he shirks basics.

I would look for whether you're creating work, and if you're handling things efficiently as a couple. For example, when people talk about paying bills... my child's clubs are a bit old fashioned with cheques - but if I think about all other payments - house, car, insurances, pension - I haven't paid a single bill since I moved in 4 years ago - it's all direct debit.

Sounds like shopping / cooking is time consuming. Pick 7 meals that you like, are healthy enough, cheap enough, and that you can cook. That's it. You never have to think about nutrition and cooking again. Monday night is pasta night!

There are lots of ways to reduce jobs.

Make that part of the fair division.

He isn't the "breadwinner" though PrincessPinkGirl. We split bills 50/50 and get our flat rent free through my voluntary job.

Breadwinner is a ridiculous concept.
I earn over 3x my fiancé, we both work full time. He's going to move into my house, so I'll be the one provided by accommodation too.

I hope he dumps my arse immediately if I ever pul some shit that I get to do less housework because the employment market values what I do monetarily higher than what he does.

It's about leisure time, not about earnings.

Fine, PrincessPinkGirl, to choose to do more at home because in your case being a SAHM gives you more free time. But don't do it because he's "The Breadwinner"!

Brilliant post Ellisandra. You are spot on about me always feeling my list isn't done because there are still things on it. I've been thinking about that a lot lately. It's almost as if I feel I can't relax until every last task is complete, which of course is utterly unrealistic...there will always be something else to do! I'm terrible at relaxing. DP is always imploring me to chill out more. Even on holiday I struggle to just go with the flow.

I possibly am creating work, but the flat does accumulate dirt and grime terrifyingly easy. We are in process of redecorating and it's quite worn and grubby. Everything picks up dirt so easily!

I'm going to have a good think about how I can make things like food shopping etc easier. The meal planner is a good idea. I'm a terrible cook and I'm running out of recipe ideas at the minute!